Cora danced around my kitchen to ‘Don’t Kill My Vibe’ by Sigrid while I ate peanut butter straight from the jar. She kept taking strategic pauses to glance at the pregnancy test on the table between us. When she started to dance again each time, I knew it mustn’t be quite cooked. Meanwhile, I couldn’t bring myself to look at the test window for fear that there would be one too many lines waiting there. I swallowed another mouthful of butter and caught Cora’s eye.
‘How are you dancing while this is happening?’
She paused, panted, and dipped her finger into the open jar. ‘Don’t mind me.’ She licked her finger clean and then landed hard in the seat opposite me. ‘How do you want me to be acting?’
‘I don’t know, like you’re worried?’ I snatched the jar back and picked up where I’d left off. ‘Besides, isn’t this more a job that you should call Molly for?’
Cora spluttered a laugh. ‘Can you imagine Molly on a pregnancy scare? If you weren’t free, it would have been Betty or Lily.’
‘Pah, why them? They’re the least matern— Oh.’
She clicked her fingers. ‘Got it in one. Freedom to choose what you do with your own body? Those pair live for this shit.’ The song came to a natural close and suddenly Cora’s bolshie attitude fizzled out, too. She exhaled hard. ‘Fucking hell, now I have to look.’
I put my hand over the test. ‘Does Hamish know this is happening?’
‘No.’
‘Do you know what you’ll do if – you know?’
‘No.’ She pulled in a long belly breath. ‘You’re touching something that I’ve peed on.’
I took my hand away. ‘That’s what friends do.’ I grabbed her hand, then, and leaned forward to look at the test before she could. ‘We have a winner!’ I held the dry end and flashed her a single line in the small window. With my other hand, I held up the paperwork with a clear picture of a negative result printed at the top.
‘Oh fuck.’ She dropped her forehead to the table. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, thank fuck.’
I laughed. ‘I thought you weren’t nervous?’
‘Oh, sod off and give me the peanut butter.’ She yanked the jar away from me. ‘And wash your hands, you filthy—’ The sound of my doorbell cut across her. ‘You’re expecting someone?’ she asked, a coated finger midway to her mouth.
I wasn’t. But when I opened the front door there was Monty. There was something uncanny about the figure of him hovering outside; I realised he’d probably only ever been here with Rowan before then. And that brought to the forefront a quiet panic.
‘Is Rowan okay?’
‘Completely. Nothing has happened; everyone is safe.’ But he hesitated. ‘Can we talk?’
‘Come in.’ I stepped back. ‘Cora’s here.’
Saying her name must have summoned her; she arrived in the hallway, already shrugging her cardigan back on. ‘Cora was here, now she’s going.’ She flashed Monty a sympathetic smile; it somehow said: Sorry your friend’s an arsehole. ‘Monty, always a pleasure.’
‘Likewise, madam, likewise.’
There was red creeping up his cheeks that made me think things weren’t quite as okay as he’d said. Still, he held himself together and stepped aside for Cora, who wandered down the corridor humming Sigrid on her way. Minutes ago her relief had been contagious. But now …
‘Can I get you a drink?’ I asked, leading him into the kitchen. ‘Tea?’
‘Milky, one sugar,’ he said, and then rushed to add, ‘but only if you’re having one.’
I filled the kettle in quiet and flicked it on to boil. ‘Can’t have a serious talk without tea.’ When he didn’t say anything to contradict my assumption, I realised I’d be needing a strong tea myself – maybe even a black coffee. I rubbed hard at my forehead and then set about finding cups, grabbing a spoon, pulling milk from the fridge. ‘What’s he done?’ I turned to face Monty, then, because we couldn’t avoid it any longer. I couldn’t hurry the water along.
‘I really don’t know what I’m doing here, Edi.’ His voice broke halfway through the comment, and I worried for a second that a tear or two was about to loosen. Christ, how bad things must be … ‘I’m worried about him. How much he’s drinking, how much he seems to be abusing this …’ He hesitated. ‘This situation. He’s like a virgin on death row.’
I laughed, but then a wave of sadness hit straight after. ‘I see.’ The kettle whistled to a boil behind me and I was glad of the call. ‘He and I aren’t seeing each other much.’
There was such a long pause that I was about to turn around and check Monty hadn’t passed out from panic. But as milk collided with tea, I heard him faintly repeat, ‘I see.’ I wondered what Rowan had been telling them all. Monty’s delay made me wonder whether we were all hearing the same stories – or whether Rowan and I were now on a six-month-to-forever-long hall pass at the never-end of which we’d ride off into the sunset in a carriage pulled by unicorns. I smirked. But maybe even Rowan has a limit when it comes to lies, I thought as I set a cup in front of my guest. ‘Thank you.’ He wrapped his hands around it. ‘This is really hard because I don’t know how much you know.’
‘It’s fine.’ I took a seat opposite him. ‘I know how much I know, but I don’t know how much of what I know is the truth.’ I half-laughed. ‘Does that make sense?’
He nodded. ‘I think so.’
‘Monty, whatever you tell me, I’m not going to tell him that you’ve told me.’
His shoulders dropped. ‘He’ll know one of us has told you.’
‘He won’t. Rowan is a terrible liar, even now. Which is probably part of why he doesn’t want to see me. No poker face.’ I fact-checked myself, though, because he did have a face for lying when he needed one. ‘Actually, he does have a poker face. But he’s clumsy, and that’s kind of enough.’ I sipped my tea. ‘Fred and I saw him out a few nights ago.’
‘You both saw each other is my understanding of it.’
Here we go. I sucked in a breath. ‘I wondered whether he’d tell you.’
‘Only me,’ he rushed to add; Monty obviously thought it still mattered who knew. ‘He hasn’t told any of the others.’
‘I’m actually not all that worried about people knowing. Unlike Rowan, I’ve only slept with the one other woman and that seems a lot more decent than however many he’s brought home to you and Ian.’
Monty flashed a tight smile then stared into his mug. He pushed out a long breath before he spoke. ‘Remember Leonard? He was at your engagement shindig and, I don’t know, friendships reconnect and all that, so he’s been spending the odd night out with us since then. But Rowan … he slept with Leonard’s girlfriend.’ I didn’t – couldn’t – answer. So he carried on, ‘The night he saw you out with Fred.’
So it’s probably my fault, I thought as I sipped my tea to buy myself a second. ‘Wait, he was out with someone when I saw him. Was that her?’
He shook his head. ‘He left you, bumped into her, saw an opportunity.’ I swallowed another mouthful of tea and winced at the heat; it was a good enough distraction for a second, though. ‘Edi, I’m sorry, I don’t know – Christ, should I even be telling you this?’ I only shrugged; I didn’t have words yet. ‘Apparently he’d got a bet going with Patrick. Leonard and this girl, they’re not serious, not really, and rumour had it she was about to bin him anyway so Rowan and Pat decided—’
‘I’m cutting you off.’ I gazed into my mug as I spoke. If I look at you I’ll cry. ‘I think it’s better for everyone that I don’t know the end of that story, Mont.’
‘Understood.’ He took a sip of his drink and when he lowered the mug I could see a slight tremor of nerves that made me feel sorry for him.
‘Look.’ I reached over and grabbed his free hand. ‘I know blokes don’t really do the caring thing, but there’s genuinely nothing wrong with it.’ I squeezed. ‘I know you’re not doing this – I mean, I know you’re not here in malice or competitiveness. You haven’t whipped a ruler out. You’re here because you’re worried. I don’t know what they tell you at boy school, but you’re doing okay.’ I tried to sound light rather than accusatory, but all the while I could hear Lily chanting statistics on toxic masculinity in the background. I pulled my hand back then and added, ‘Say whatever more you’re comfortable saying. But if you’re uncomfortable because of a “should”, then power through with it.’
‘Why?’
‘Should is a guilt word.’ I sipped my tea, and quietly gave myself a point for growth. I needed to remember the moment as one to share in counselling.
He smiled. ‘You’re kind of brilliant, Edi.’
I tried to channel my inner Fred, Lily, Betty. ‘I’ve been told.’
‘I don’t know how many women he’s slept with now.’ I held my breath – more shots fired. ‘I don’t think he knows how many women he’s slept with.’ Second round. ‘But this with Leonard, this is a final straw, really it is. I understand why this was a good idea and, Christ, all of us thought it was amazing that you were even into it, but, providing you’re ready for it to stop because, I don’t know, you might be doing just fine with it all, in which case shoot me down …’ He looked up from his mug and stared straight at me like he was waiting for an answer. ‘If you’re ready for it to stop then I think you need to tell him that, and tell him it has to, because, Christ, this whole fucking thing has brought out an ugly shade in him, Edi. He needs you to be the sensible one.’
It all sat between us for what felt like a long time before I answered. ‘But doesn’t he always?’
Monty gave me a sad smile and reached across the table to take my hand. We finished our teas in quiet.