Rowan and I still hadn’t spoken. But the girls and I were in near-constant communication. There were three separate occasions when I’d even been moved to mute the group chat; something I’d never done before and would never admit to having done if any of them asked. The days stretched out, though, and while everything felt brittle around the edges, everything somehow felt a bit more normal as well. Rowan and I had spent so little time together in the weeks before the break-up talk, not seeing him for a full week after didn’t feel that strange. What did feel strange, though, was the need to avoid Fred. She’d been texting intermittently, too, but not to check up on me, or to check in with me. Worse, she was texting to share her excitement.
The gallery space for her upcoming show was piecing together before her eyes, and she was thrilled. Deservedly so, too, because, from the pictures she’d sent, the place looked beautiful. The walls, instead of the typical gallery white, were blocked black instead. Fred explained that they wouldn’t let her paint them, so she’d roped artist friends in to help her construct screens that would lean against the walls themselves. Here’s hoping no one is pissed enough to fall into one xx, she said, then sent another message immediately afterwards: Balls. I hope I haven’t just jinxed it.
Whenever she asked how things were – What’s going on your end? xx – I did my best to skirt around the bright pink elephant in the room – Fine! Nothing quite as exciting here xx. She never pushed for more, although she did text once – late at night, and I wondered whether a glass (or two) of wine had been the prelude – Edi, I know we don’t know-know each other. But I hope you know we can talk. xx night xx. I’d brushed it off with a polite thank you and said I’d catch her soon. Instead of sleeping after, though, I spent a full hour staring at the ceiling, thinking about how strange it was to hear ‘I know we don’t know each other’ from someone I’d slept with upwards of twenty times.
‘You know it’s weird that you’ve kept track, right?’ Faith answered when I relayed the same worries to her. ‘I know each of those twenty-plus times has probably been genuinely mind-blowing but still, it’s weird. Don’t be a boy.’
I laughed. ‘Boys keep tallies?’ No sooner had I said it and the stab of a memory hit …
‘No, no you’re right.’ She sounded pensive, then. ‘Boys keep tallies of the number of women they’ve slept with, not the number of times they’ve slept with them.’
‘Bollocks.’
‘I didn’t realise you were with Lily.’
Faith laughed. ‘What gave it away?’
‘I’m just saying it’s bollocks and Edi can count whatever she wants. And that women can—’
‘Beautiful Lily,’ I interrupted her, ‘I know whatever one can do the other can do, but, before we get into a chorus about it, could we deal with the reason I actually called?’
‘Yes, beautiful Lily, can we?’ Faith parroted. ‘Edi, what’s your worry? That you’re not being straight with her?’
Lily snorted and then apologised. ‘Sorry, caught me off guard.’
‘But I’m not being straight with her, am I?’
‘You’re right. In my experience with women, they hate to know the people they’re sleeping with aren’t sleeping with other people. Worse still, they hate-hate it when the people they’re sleeping with aren’t in a relationship with someone else, that’s a real kick in the proverbial.’ Faith’s tone was deadpan. ‘In case my tone didn’t give it away—’
‘Oh, it gave it away,’ I said.
‘Are you worried she’ll want a relationship now?’ Lily asked.
‘I think so?’ I guessed. ‘I think that’s a worry. But I’m also worried that she’ll think I’ll want a relationship, and then she’ll freak out.’
‘Which you don’t?’ she clarified.
‘No. No, I don’t think … I mean, I just had one. A big one. And Fred is amazing but …’ I half-laughed; it was more like letting out a puff of air. ‘Everyone is in the beginning, aren’t they? I think I just want time to enjoy being … Edi.’
‘Okay, so if you don’t want a relationship, and you tell her that you don’t want a relationship …’ Faith chimed in again. ‘What is there for anyone to freak out about?’
‘But …’ I paused. There was a thump in my forehead knocking at regular intervals.
‘Babe, but nothing. Fred isn’t Rowan.’
A long silence followed her announcement. The thump in my temple stopped being a thump and became a constant pain, so I took myself to the kitchen and rifled through drawers until I found paracetamol. ‘Give me a second,’ I said, but I was already setting the phone down. I picked Faith (and Lily) up again when I’d thrown two tablets down my throat.
‘Are you okay?’ Lily asked.
‘I don’t know.’ I’d called for gentle reassurance, or so I thought. But as I leaned back against the fridge and took a deep belly breath, I started to wonder whether that’s what I needed from them. Or do I just want you to tell me what to do … ‘I’m used to having to make decisions for two people,’ I admitted, and that was the problem. I didn’t have to decide what Fred wanted or needed from me; I only had to decide what I was ready to give.
‘Which I imagine is super hard in itself,’ Lily answered, and her voice was soft. ‘Harder still, though, babe, when the other person you’re making decisions for is the person who’s actually making the decisions, do you know what I mean?’
I took a second to untangle the sentence. ‘I think so?’
‘Lovely, she means Rowan didn’t really give you a choice on things.’ Faith’s tone was harder than Lily’s. ‘She’s trying to find a nice way of saying that making decisions for two people is hard, but what you’re actually used to doing is making decisions for Rowan, disguised like they’re decisions for you, even though they’re not.’
‘Fucking hell, Faith.’ There was a kerfuffle where I imagined Lily backhanding Faith’s arm, leg, arse; whatever was closest. ‘But yes, that’s what I mean.’
I nearly laughed. ‘Okay, so … So, what do I do?’
I imagined them again, then, swapping a worried glance before Faith asked, ‘What do you want to do, babe?’
I sighed. How am I meant to know that …
*
I unmuted the group chat that evening.
Edi: Ladies, assemble
Edi: Flowers or chocolates?
Molly: what’s the occasion?
Betty: Chocolates
Lily: Chocolates
Faith: Flowers
Faith: Pah! Kidding. Gimme chocolates
Cora: what Molly said
Molly: I was literally just checking whether the message even sent
Molly: @Edi. Occasion?
Faith: Date night?
Betty: Non-date night? *wink*
Lily: Gallery opening
Edi: We have a winner!!!
Lily: Do I win whatever you don’t send?
Edi: Seems fair
Betty: wait. What do the rest of us get?
Edi: a hug
Lily: send her both
Edi: I’ll send you chocs anyway
Lily: love you beaut
Betty: wait WHAT!
Faith: this is where sarcasm gets you
Molly: well I’m nice what does that get me?
Edi: Moll, you can have flowers
Betty: WHAT!