Chapter 4

‘Parenting is a constant battle
between going to bed to catch up on
some sleep, or staying awake to
finally get some alone time.’

Dr Reetta says…

Getting to know your baby When there’s a baby in the house the days may seem chaotic and unpredictable, and you may feel you are ‘doing nothing’. However, ‘doing nothing’ is part of getting to know each other and although it may be hard to put into words what you are doing all day, you are certainly not ‘doing nothing’. Your senses are on high alert and you are responsible for a baby who you are learning to understand. You are working out what your baby seems to want and need – apart from fulfilling their basic requirements of feeding, sleeping and nappy changes – and they will mainly want to be in your company. You are developing as a parent and working out what parenting method or style works for you and your baby. You will probably find yourself thinking whether you are being a ‘good mother’ or ‘good father’ and making choices according to what you believe a ‘good’ parent would do.

What this ‘goodness’ looks like for each family will vary. It sounds like Anna was following her baby’s lead with feeding and sleeping rather than being parent-led and imposing strict routines. This means she was responding to her baby’s needs, which would have helped him to feel secure. Anna was also looking after her own well-being. After ensuring the safety and other basic needs of your baby have been met, the most important things to offer to a baby are your love and attention. In the early months, this is largely about non-verbal communication of empathy, warmth and understanding through tone of voice, facial expressions and touch. Later on it also includes talking about feelings and how to express and manage them. A parent who is looking after themselves and is able to manage their own emotions, is more able to look after their baby.

Top tips for getting to know your baby and dealing with sleep

1. Every day, spend some time just watching your baby. Babies are very social and have an innate need and capacity to communicate. Give eye contact. Learn about what state of alertness (sleep, drowsy, alert, crying/fussy) they are in and watch for signs that they about to change their behaviour. See if you can work out what clues your baby gives you for wanting to play, or when they want some quiet time, so you learn when they are in the mood for communicating and/or playing. Over time, you’ll learn to ‘read’ your baby and how to comfort them. Most importantly, these moments are ideal for bonding and just being together.

2. As Anna describes, sleep deprivation is a common trigger for anxiety. When you are anxious, it is even more difficult to get a good night’s sleep. Whichever came first, do have a think about whether there is a way to get a little more sleep and rest. During the day when your baby sleeps, if you can’t or don’t want to sleep, then give yourself permission to rest occasionally – value and prioritise that time. If you can nap, just a 30-minute snooze is thought to have a positive impact on your health and well-being. Ask for help with getting sleep – what Anna and her husband did with the ‘milk shifts’ is a good example of how a partner can really make a big impact on how much sleep you can get.

3. You have probably heard a lot of conflicting advice about how to get your baby to sleep. Rather than going for a one-size-fits-all approach, as all families and babies are different, first educate yourself about baby sleep, including sleep cycles – see a summary article on ‘understanding your baby’s sleep’ here: https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a558727/understanding-your-babys-sleep. You will learn that an adult sleep cycle lasts about 90 minutes, whereas a baby’s sleep cycle lasts around 45-50 minutes, and that it’s normal for babies to wake as they transition between sleep cycles (every hour or so!). Second, think about your baby, you and your circumstances – what would work best for you as an individual family? Third, over some weeks or months (rather than days), there are gentle principles that can help you to teach your baby to fall asleep, without your help, and without traumatising them, or you!

Working on ‘falling asleep’ is important because when your baby wakes at night, they are likely to need whatever you did to get them to sleep in the first place (sleep associations) to help them settle down again. If this is you, and a breast, then this may be a problem further down the line. If you instead help your baby to go to sleep in a situation that is the same as the one they will find themselves in when they wake up between sleep cycles, they should be able to go back to sleep without you. Here are three ideas – if any of these sound like something you want to learn more about, go to www.ahaparenting.com for further reading (the editor of the website, Dr Laura Markham, is a clinical psychologist and a mum – I often use her articles when working with parents).

The three ideas are:

1 Wake your baby slightly before you put them down to sleep;

2 Gradually work on breaking the association between feeding and sleep;

3 Gradually support your baby to fall asleep in their cot or while still in your arms, rather than while being rocked.

If you do decide to work on your baby’s sleep, whatever you do, it will require energy and commitment – and it may be sleep depriving and demanding. No approach will produce quick results (or if it does, it may not last or is less than ideal for your baby’s well-being). The topic of baby sleep is a tough one and sometimes it is about adapting your expectations and going with a ‘this too shall pass’ attitude. Parents do often report that they get better at coping with the sleepless nights (in the early weeks and months it can feel impossible). And even the experts have difficulty – it’s important to share with you that I am writing this as a clinical psychologist and someone who gives clients advice on sleep – and a mum to two little girls who kept us awake in the nights until they were toddlers!