The ‘sit, smile and nod through gritted teeth’ feeling
‘Everybody knows how to raise
children, except the people
that have them.’
P.J. O’Rourke
Baby steps…
PRACTISE selective hearing. Some people have no filter and will say whatever they want regardless of how it might come across. If someone says something that upsets or annoys you, take a deep breath, pretend not to have heard, and swiftly change the subject.
DON’T FEEL the need to justify your parenting technique and preferences. Your baby is your child, and everyone is entitled to make whatever choices they like.
TAKE SOCIAL MEDIA with a pinch of salt. Competitive parenting is a ‘thing’ but look through (or even better ignore) the perfect-parent posts, and remind yourself that you know your baby better than anyone.
Public property
There’s no doubt about it, the second you get pregnant everyone has an opinion. Family, friends, random strangers in the street… the minute a baby is on the horizon, pretty much everyone will a) suddenly think they’re experts, and b) give you bucket-loads of ‘advice’, whether you want to hear it or not.
Family members will bang on about how you should do this, shouldn’t do that, and how ‘in my day blah blah…’, friends will encourage you to follow their lead and ‘take this supplement’ or ‘sign up for that class’, and I distinctly remember a rather over-zealous fellow mum-to-be next to me in the antenatal clinic (whom I’d never met before!) telling me that I ‘needed to give myself a perineum massage otherwise I’d have a damaged vagina forever!’ Great. I really could have done without the pressure and anxiety this one comment induced in my 38-week-pregnant self. I was already pretty sure my nethers were going to take a bit of a pummelling in any case – I certainly didn’t need ‘smug mother of four’ to unnecessarily highlight it, even though doing this most unglamorous of massage can help prevent tearing.
It genuinely never fails to amaze me that people think it is acceptable to comment and heap advice on new parents – as if it isn’t enough of a headf**k as it is. Fair enough if the advice has been asked for but it seems that parenting opens the floodgates to a free-for-all advice deluge. Us Brits might be known for being over-polite and reserved, but for new mums and dads this doesn’t seem to apply.
So many of us parents feel daily guilt and pressure about whether we’re doing it right, and the last thing we need is some Know It All preaching about how and what we should be doing. From day one of pregnancy I felt the heat… Already suffering an unhealthy dose of prenatal anxiety, I just couldn’t rationally deal with the Know It All brigade. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I realise a lot of my anxiety was down to the sheer insecurity about the unknown I was dealing with on a day-to-day basis. To say I was ‘snippy’ at any unwanted advice would be an understatement… I positively prickled with annoyance at some of it.
One scenario in particular comes to mind. A family friend knew I wasn’t enjoying parts of my pregnancy, and their superbly unhelpful advice (passed on via my mum – I think she thought it might have been helpful in that ‘we’ve all been there’ kind of way – it wasn’t) was ‘just tell her to get over it and get on with it’.
Now, I know this comment was intended as a light-hearted quip, designed to give to me some helpful perspective, but to my hormonal frazzled mind, all I heard was ‘Anna, you’re being a hypochondriac, no one cares how you’re feeling and basically (wo)man up’. This only served to fuel my anxiety even more – ‘if other mums can get on with it and deal with their feelings, then I must be a struggling failure!’ – is all I got out of that exchange.
Once my baby arrived the advice giving ramped up even more. I had to adopt an invisible shield to fend off the onslaught.
Activity alert 
Let it go
I’m a big fan of using effective breathing to keep anxiety at bay. It sounds so simple, yet isn’t it often the simplest of things we find the hardest to do? This activity is so easy, but a really effective way of letting any pangs of panic or anxiety go.
Unwanted opinions or conflicting advice causing you stress? We’re going to breathe it out bit by bit until it’s gone.
Take a nice slow and gentle deep breath through your nose ensuring you fill your tummy with ‘air’ so it bulges out… then as you exhale through your mouth slowly, allowing your tummy to deflate gradually with each number, you’re going to quietly say, or think, the numbers 1–10.
These numbers each represent any niggles, negativity, pent-up frustration or unwanted advice you want to rid your mind of.
Keep the outward breath continuous, and with each passing number visualise and imagine each of them floating away on a cloud into obscurity and irrelevance.
Once you’ve reached 10… all your breath calmly exhaled… as you breathe back in imagine all you’re breathing in is fresh, crisp, clean air – a wonderfully clear blank canvas in your mind, full of positivity and calming clarity.
Any time someone says something that bugs you, or you feel yourself doubting your own ability, allow yourself to breathe out all the negative thoughts and feelings, leaving you feeling calm and back in control.
Boob or bottle – that is the question?
I can see you now, readying yourself for the battleground of this age-old, and often highly subjective, debate. Since the dawn of time (well, since formula and bottle feeding were invented) never has there been a more emotive topic of debate among new parents. And it isn’t just a woman thing either, it’s a BIG deal for dads, too, with many of them having extremely strong feelings about what they do/don’t feel is appropriate for their child.
Usually, then, because men obviously can’t breastfeed they simply have to accept whatever a mother is or isn’t capable of doing or simply how they choose to feed their child. This fact can breed a heck of a lot of hidden parenting anxiety, and a feeling of a lack of control, in new dads (more of this in chapter 8) and lead to discord.
For many, though, it’s ultimately down to the mother to decide how best to feed her child – whether through personal preference or for medical reasons that make breastfeeding impossible, such as the baby having a tongue tie, being unable to latch on, being seriously underweight, or one of multiples that the mother can’t keep up with, or the mother having issues with milk supply, chronic mastitis or other physical issues, or having to take medication – and the men are more than happy to go along with it. I know plenty of women who have adamantly refused to breastfeed their children, preferring to opt for formula from day one, and I equally know lots of ladies who have exclusively breastfed their babies for years, having never grappled with a steriliser or silicone teat in their lives. For what my lowly little opinion is worth, I believe it is nobody’s business other than those involved – ie the mum, dad (if applicable) and baby.
It’s good to talk
One mum told me that her partner was extremely keen on their daughter being breastfed. The mum really struggled to make it work for her, but she kept going because of the (unintentional) pressure the dad put on her. With the benefit of hindsight she says she wishes she had spoken up at the time and conveyed HER wishes more – after all it was her body – but she felt guilty that it was his desire and he was unable to do it himself. Next time round she has vowed she is going straight to formula and the bottle and, after a proper discussion and airing of feelings, her partner has understood her choice.
Feeding your baby is a highly personal and emotional experience. No matter which option you end up with, both have their benefits and challenges. And remember, it’s your body and baby. Although sometimes you wouldn’t think it: I have lost count of how many times I have been made to feel like crap and the worst mum in the world ever after some cretin’s ill-thought-out opinion on how I should feed my baby has touched a nerve.
‘As soon as I decided to formula feed it was like a major weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Even though there are a lot of health care professionals who remain positive about formula feeding there are a few that are quite judgemental, which is really hard.’
Farrah – mum to Luca
The main reason I chose to give up breastfeeding and instead opted for the bottle and formula was because of my medication. I say I ‘chose’, but to be honest it was a choice I had to make, but not one I really wanted to – it had to happen to stabilise my tattered new mummy mental health.
I recognised the black cloud of depression and anxiety just days after having Enzo, and I knew I needed to do something about my mental health quick smart before I went even further down an unpleasant route. Studies are ongoing, but in general doctors warn against taking certain anti-depressants while breastfeeding as the medication can be transferred, albeit in small doses, to the baby via the breast milk. Some anti-depressants are deemed ‘safer’ than others, such as Sertraline and Paroxetine, which allegedly carry less dosage through the milk, but other medications such as Citalopram and Fluoxetine carry a much higher level, which some studies suggest can lead to irritability, decreased feeding and sleep problems for the baby. Always chat through the options with your doctor, so you can make an informed decision on whether medication is a route for you or not.
‘I’d been feeling so emotional for weeks after giving birth, and just felt so resentful towards my son for making me feel like this. When my GP prescribed me anti- depressants I was at my lowest ebb and I really felt I needed something to help. After a couple of weeks things started to feel less rubbish and I gradually started to enjoy the rewarding parts of motherhood.’
Catrina – mum to Sonny, aged 12 months
I started on Sertraline. When it wasn’t working and I changed to Citalopram and also took a slightly higher dose – I erred on the side of caution (of course I did, I was an anxious guilt-ridden mess) – I decided the best option, for me, was not to risk any ‘bad stuff’ reaching my baby at all. So after nine days of feeding Enzo myself, I packed up my boobs, said goodbye to the breastfeeding circus, and cracked open the formula. A very emotional decision, and one I was pretty tetchy about as I felt the need to explain to everyone why I wasn’t feeding my son myself any more – and that meant fessing up to the fact I was on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. If that wasn’t a hot topic of gossip among other mums I don’t know what was! The question ‘are you breastfeeding?’ used to fill me with dread.
It didn’t help that my husband was a bit miffed that his son wasn’t going to be getting any more of the ‘good stuff’ from mum – yet another bone of contention and an anxiety-fuelling issue, and we had many a conversation about how this might work going forwards. I’m so pleased and proud that my husband agrees now that it was absolutely the right decision for us all, especially the baby as he needed a well mother. But at the time I know my other half felt very disappointed that, in his opinion, his precious son wasn’t going to be getting all the nutrients and nourishment from my milk (he is a nutrition specialist after all, so the more natural the food source the better!) – and that made me feel so guilty. Although he initially would have preferred breast milk, he now agrees that overall health and bonding for mother and baby is what is key, and the milk source is not always the be all and end all. It also helped him bond with the baby as he got to join in with feeds, so all in all bottle feeding has been a positive experience for us.
‘I struggled to breastfeed and the pressure from others (including family) was quite overwhelming. Eventually after four days of trying my sympathetic partner said “why don’t we try her on formula” – the fact that I knew he was supporting me, even though formula wasn’t the original plan, was a major relief.’
Bronwen – mum to a little girl
A lot of new mums also find it bloody hard to breastfeed at all! Even if it’s their decision to give breastfeeding a go, it annoyingly doesn’t always work out. I’ve lost count of the number of friends who have really struggled to breastfeed and regard it as ‘the hardest thing they have ever endured’ … and believe me, these women aren’t little princesses scared of breaking a nail – they’re hardcore.
What with cracked nipples, slow and painful let-down/milk flow, tongue-tied babies, other latching-on issues, the dreaded mastitis, and the general paraphernalia that breastfeeding can involve, it’s no wonder the pushy Know It Alls who insist ‘breast is best’ have a lot to answer for when it comes to evoking anxiety!
The majority of midwives, health visitors and maternity professionals are very pro breastfeeding, and hey, I’m fully in favour of it too, IF that’s what a woman wants to do. But there is a borderline bullying culture that surrounds breastfeeding, even when religious and cultural factors aren’t in play, with any mum of a newborn daring to shun or failing to thrive the ‘natural way’ made to feel uncomfortable and worried they have to justify their choice.
‘The big issue in those first few weeks was breastfeeding. Not the actual feeding – which, as mums will tell you but none of the professionals seem to, hurts so so much in such an intimate way – but the feeling of utter failure I felt because of the health visitor’s comment: "it will not hurt if you are doing it right."’
Holly – mum to Jack, aged 12 months
I’ve tried breastfeeding, it’s wonderful (sometimes) and feels as though you’ve hit the jackpot when it goes well and you see your baby’s gorgeous little face looking up at you, among the stack of pillows and muslin paraphernalia, as they feed, but it’s also messy, fiddly and can be painful to establish, and it’s no wonder so many of us find it a huge challenge.
I also found it a very weird thing to suddenly comprehend that my funbags which had up until the point of motherhood served no other purpose than to aid the pleasure of a night of ‘sexy time’, were now stripped of all sexual status, and were instead solely a feeding machine.
It was more than a little mind-blowing to comprehend to be honest, and it was a slightly terrifying, but weirdly cool and surreal moment when they started leaking milk. And yet the moment the milk is ‘in’ (again, often not until a day after you give birth, by which point your baby is often fractious and starving hungry – just when you’re trying to get the hang of how to feed them), everyone seems to want to have a prod, poke and squeeze. How many times have you heard from new mums, ‘my boobs are not my own anymore’ … and it’s so true. It seems everyone wants to have a go at yanking your mammaries around in order to get baby latched on and feeding. Everyone has an opinion on how to do it, what they did, how ‘so and so’ was a natural... the Know It Alls really do go batshit about boobs.
And my goodness if you decide to breastfeed in public… More Know It All opinions! I’m sure you have your own thoughts on the breastfeeding-in-public debate, and here are mine: anyone who gives a mother stick for feeding her child wherever she damn well likes needs to quietly sod off back under the prehistoric rock they’ve crawled out from. It’s hard enough trying to sate a screaming baby under a flannel-sized ‘privacy’ muslin, with one nipple sprouting a misdirected leak and the other soaking a wet patch into your T-shirt without unwanted opinions, thank you very much.
My advice? Well of course, I’m not going to be a Know It All and infuriate you by giving you any – but all I will do is casually remind you that you are entitled to do what the heck you like regarding your body. If you want to breastfeed, great, if you want to but can’t breastfeed, don’t worry about it, and if you physically balk at the idea of having your tit sucked like a toddler demolishing an ice pop on a hot summer’s day, then totally make that call to crack open the formula-and-bottle meal deal for one. Your body, your baby, your choice – and you are doing brilliantly!
‘I overheard a conversation between my in-laws which pretty much questioned why I breastfed. I felt very upset and angry at the lack of understanding and support. I wanted to be congratulated for the hard work I was doing.’
Eliza – mum of two
When all is not so well
Some parents, who in my eyes are Super Heroes, have extra challenges to face such as coping with a child who is unwell, or perhaps dealing with a disability. This can be incredibly worrying and challenging and, in particular, the Know It Alls’ sensitivity radar needs to be cranked right up to the ‘wind your neck in’ setting.
We’ve all no doubt faced the new-parent anxiety over our baby’s first sniffles and fever. It’s a highly stressful time as, let’s be honest, few of us have a clue what to do or how best to make our child well. My phone bill should just be linked as a permanent direct debit to the NHS 111 service given the amount of times we call for advice! (and FYI these Know It Alls are extremely welcome in our household – the people on the end of the phone are an anxious parent’s lifeline).
The first time my son got a fever, which coincided with his first lot of jabs (gosh isn’t that an un-fun experience), I was terrified that he was going to die. Irrational, probably… but a very real fear, absolutely. Obviously, in my head, he had meningitis (he didn’t) – every parent’s worst nightmare – so each hour I would be shoving the thermometer under his tiny clammy armpit and obsessing over what the temperature reading ‘beeps’ signified. Fortunately Dr Calpol saved the day (doesn’t it always!) and within hours my little boy was back to his normal self.
I’m well aware that baby coughs and colds really are trivial stuff when it comes to what some parents have to endure – in fact I’m sure many would welcome such an easy-fix problem. Babies born with birth defects or disabilities can understandably cause a lot of distress and worry to parents. Nearly a million children in the UK come under the disability category, and this can include physical and mental disabilities, learning disabilities, and disorders on the spectrum such as autism. Sometimes it can take a while to notice all is not as you ‘expect’ in your child, and in other cases it’s apparent from birth that little one has a few challenges ahead.
Mothers and fathers of babies with more complex requirements really do not need unwanted or insensitive ‘well-meaning’ advice. And it is perfectly natural and understandable for them to withdraw from other parents who seemingly have a ‘normal’ child – all it takes is one thoughtless comment to completely crush an already struggling parent. But it’s vitally important that these parents and children in particular get all the support and empathy they need. Isolating yourself isn’t going to help anyone in the long run.
If you’re a parent who has a baby or child who is perhaps not well, has complex needs or is facing a challenging road ahead, trust your instincts and get whatever help you feel is appropriate. Support and help is there. The NHS Early Support Programme, the NCT and Mencap all offer support and advice from those specifically trained to know how to help you on the road ahead.
‘Watching the other babies at playgroup just highlighted how different my daughter was. She didn’t do the normal things the others her age did, like sit up on her own or reach out for toys. It made me feel angry… “why did I have to have a baby that was different?” It’s tough and there’s a long road ahead, but her smiles remind me that I’m her mummy, and I love her. That’s all that matters.’
Sally – mum to Ruby
Health anxiety
In addition to naturally feeling worried about your child’s health and well-being, there is a related condition that seems to be getting more common. Health anxiety, or the more old-fashioned, outmoded term, hypochondria, is no laughing matter. For those experiencing it, it is a very real fear of, and/or belief that they are seriously ill, and the day-to-day stress and anxiety it can cause for sufferers is often extremely life restricting. It simply doesn’t help the sufferer if someone tells them ‘pull yourself together’.
Some people are managing a health condition, which they worry about excessively, others have medically unexplained symptoms such as aches and pains, which they are concerned might be a serious illness. Despite doctors’ reassurances people experiencing health anxiety are convinced there is something more sinister lurking, and worries about future health such as ‘will I get cancer?’ also feel very real.
Health anxiety can be experienced for a number of reasons. You might be a worrier in general, have a pre-disposed anxiety or depressive disorder, or you may have experienced a stressful event that happened to someone close to you, involving illness, or even death. All parents can experience health anxiety due to a number of reasons or triggers – a traumatic birth, coping with a sickly or unwell baby, having experienced a stillbirth in the past, or feelings that they might one day be too ill to look after their child – and therefore irrationally obsess over keeping well.
It’s always advisable to pop and see your GP to chat over how you’re feeling and any fears you may have relating to you or your baby’s health to ensure you get any help or talking therapy support you might benefit from. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and you’re certainly not alone. With the right intervention it’s perfectly possible to get any unhelpful feelings of anxiety around your health sorted.
‘My father-in-law said, “so what steps are we going to do to stop her from using the comforter?” – erm how about “we” are not going to do anything and “you” need to stop giving your opinion.’
Sam – dad to Charlie, aged 15 months
Breaking Point
STOP FUELLING any anxiety further by actively avoiding any unhelpful triggers. Do NOT Google or research symptoms as it can just unnecessarily ramp up anxiety even more.
INSTEAD OF focusing on things that might seem wrong, turn your attention to what feels good… ie instead of dwelling on aches and pains, take your attention to how good it feels when you breathe in some fresh air, allowing your mind and body to relax.
DISTRACT YOURSELF from any negative thoughts. Negativity will just keep breeding if you don’t change the course. Look for, and think of all the positive things in your and your family’s lives, and practise being thankful for what IS good.
IF YOU are genuinely concerned about something, go and see your doctor. They will be able to either confirm it is an ailment, and can treat it, or they can reassure you that all is well. Either way, doing this will remove the uncertainty and you may well find that just speaking out loud what’s on your mind will make the symptoms disappear!
You say, I say
Differing parenting styles are always going to be an interesting talking point. No one parents the same way – each child and parent and family dynamic is unique, so the chances are that the way we choose to parent will be different to someone else’s. And it starts within the home: us mums and dads can each have differing ideals and parenting styles, often influenced by our own childhoods and culture, which can sometimes throw up conflict in an otherwise harmonious relationship, and takes some compromise for it to be resolved.
And oh how the multitude of books, magazines, apps and websites will tell you that ‘their’ way is best! Some of them have some pretty fab ideas, tips and suggestions, and being the bookworm I am, I scoured pretty much every piece of parenting literature on offer, whereas other friends deliberately ignored everything, preferring to stay in their ignorant bliss (their words not mine). The end result, though, was that I was more confused than I’d been when I started!
There’s never a simple answer
A random sample of contradictory advice I remember coming across:
Q Should I swaddle my newborn baby?
A Some advisors say yes – others say let them be free to wriggle.
Q At what age should my baby be in his own room?
A Some resources suggest putting them in their own nursery from six weeks but others such as the NHS guidelines fly the ‘only after six months’ flag.
Q Do I need a baby movement sensor monitor?
A Some say yes so you can tell if baby stops breathing (!) – others say it’ll drive you mad with paranoia.
Q Should I use a special baby bath?
A Some suggest the perfect contraption with built-in water thermometer etc – others say don’t bother and just use the actual bath.
Q Should you introduce bottle while breastfeeding early on?
A Some say yes, so the baby gets used to combination feeding, others say don’t do it for fear of confusing the baby!
Q When do I start weaning? Should it be baby led or should I do purée?
A Some advice says wait until six months when they can hold their own food and feed themselves, others say if baby seems hungry/interested in food, or if they have very bad reflux and/or colic, you could start at four months by introducing spoon-fed baby rice/purée.
Q Dummies – yes or no?
A Lots agree they’re great to pacify a crying/sucky child, others warn it can damage speech or teeth!
Arghhhhh! Is it any wonder we’re all running around like headless chickens and panic buying anything and everything from Amazon Prime! And of course the advice changes all the time, too, so what goes for your first baby may not apply the second time round – which just goes to show that sometimes even the experts can get it wrong.
‘I could certainly have done without the unsolicited opinions from well-meaning fools such as one health visitor who said that bringing the children up bilingually would confuse them. And all that running around the garden would be bad for their joints. What utter nonsense!’
Dr Hilary Jones – TV doctor and dad
So that’s the madness online. And then there’s the conflicting health professionals’ advice. Some suggest weaning at four months, others are adamant that six months is best for baby. Health visitors and midwives, it seems, are a little inconsistent with their advice… I’m sure a lot of this is down to their own individual preferences, but it can be a total and utter head wreck! Particularly for a knackered parent at their wits’ end. I lost count of the amount of opinions I had over my son’s cradle cap. ‘Try massaging in olive oil’ said one midwife, ‘Don’t use oil whatever you do, try brushing it’, said another. Essentially, like a lot of advice in life, when it comes to being a parent, you take it with a pinch of salt and basically make up your own mind (incidentally it was a combination of the oil/brushing that actually did the trick on my little dude’s flakey scalp).
And then we have The Grandparents – cue dramatic thunder and lightning strike! Good lord, is there anything more wearing that the constant barrage of advice the proud new grannies and grandpas want to offer up? Now, I’m lucky, I have a very lovely and unintrusive mother-in-law, and my folks are brilliant and pretty laid back when it comes to their new grandson, too. However, it hasn’t stopped my mother in particular trotting out the wretched phrases ‘well in MY day…’, and ‘WE didn’t have this new-fangled technology’, and ‘you lot don’t know you’re even BORN!’… honestly, the way my mother harps on about rearing children in the 1970s and 1980s (in middle-class rural England) makes it sound as though they were living in a primitive wartime coal bunker!
‘Visiting the in-laws has been so difficult, as it really grates me when they think they always know best. I appreciate the fact that they’ve been through it all before, but we also know our baby the best.’
Hannah – mum to Liliana
Now, not for one minute am I being an arse about my parents, or indeed anyone else’s parents – I genuinely have the best folks in the world, I love them to pieces, and would be screwed without their constant love, support and help. They are also incredible with our son… However, I think we are all agreed that The Grandparents, and family members in general really do often come into their own Know It All glory the moment a new baby joins the clan.
But before we get too ratty and annoyed with our loved ones, let’s remind ourselves that it’s usually because they care. I often find the best approach is to choose your battles. He’s my baby so ultimately I will decide how I rear him, but if my mum insists on trussing my boy up in umpteen cardigans in August – ‘in case he catches a chill!’ – or smothers his post-bath body in a heady mix of nappy cream and talcum powder, I’m not going to give her stick for it. She did it with us, and you know what, my brothers and I have turned out pretty well, so as far as I’m concerned, if it makes her happy then go for your life ma! (just please keep the ‘you modern mothers want it all’ comments to a minimum if you will).
‘When I’m with certain members of the family, I have to always remind myself that I’m her mum and try and believe in myself and my ability a bit more. Maybe at times the hormones have made me feel upset, but you are very sensitive to your ability so early on.’
Lauren – IVF mum to Dolly
Activity alert
Right back atcha
This activity is all about standing up for yourself and your feelings, and allowing that inner confidence and self-esteem to grow.
Having a few tried-and-tested responses can be really helpful in politely yet firmly warding off any unwanted opinions, and can really aid in boosting your parenting self-confidence.
Imagine you’re standing opposite someone who’s about to give you some uninvited advice – perhaps you can imagine a scenario that has already happened, such as someone telling you how best to feed your baby, or how you should be tackling sleep time…
Now, remind yourself of the kind of fabulous parent you are, how you want to bring up your child, what’s important to you as a parent, and why you are confident in the choices you make – really go through each point and create an answer.
Take a nice deep breath, hold your head up high, shoulders back. In your mind’s eye I want you to imagine looking directly at this person and responding to their comments confidently, knowing and believing in your parenting skills.
Imagine their response and, better still, get some further perspective by removing yourself from the situation to a short distance away from the scene so you can view what’s going on from afar – as though you’ve stepped out of your shoes and are looking back at you, and you’re noticing what the conversation looks and sounds like from this disassociated position.
From this vantage point you are able to remove some of the emotion involved in such a conversation, and gain some valuable perspective on how you might handle such a situation in the future.
Perhaps you could arm yourself with even more positivity and think of a few general responses such as ‘thank you for your input, but I’ve made the right choice for me and my baby’ or ‘it’s important that I work out how to do things my way’ or ‘please respect my decisions’ – make sure you believe in what you are saying, and have them ready to use as and when you might need them.
Well done. You know what you’re doing – well… we all make it up as we go along I reckon – but it’s important that your parenting journey goes the way you choose it to.
‘If I can offer any advice I would say never compare yourself to any other parent or feel you are not doing as good a job. You are doing the best you possibly can because you care so much. You are unique and brilliant.’
Una Healy – pop star and mum of two
The proud parent
Hopefully there are times when you’re able to peek through the monotony of routine and the relentless grizzling, bat off the Know It All advice givers, and notice that actually you’re doing something incredible – you’re caring for your very own little person. Among all the practical stuff that it requires to care for a child, and dealing with any feelings of insecurity and ‘am I doing it right?’ concerns, it can be so difficult to just be ‘in the moment’ and enjoy your baby for what s/he is… yours.
So many mums tell me that they are often so busy keeping up with the day-to-day demands of being a parent, putting the washing on, sorting feeds out etc, making endless bolognese to shovel down the necks of older siblings… that they forget to actually take notice of their baby, and on reflection, wish they had put more of the trivial stuff to one side, ignored a lot of the opinions, and just enjoyed their little one more. There really is nothing more stress-busting for me than hearing my son giggle, or copying me blowing a raspberry while giving me a massive grin. Choose a moment each day to just ‘be’ with your baby and allow yourself some time away from the mundane slog and Know It Alls to chill and appreciate each other.
How to... appreciate your baby
BEING CLOSE physically can be a really good bonding experience – perhaps try a baby carrier or sling and go for a walk with your little one close to your body. Just sniffing their head and feeling their warmth can trigger the feel-good hormones.
READ A STORY – it doesn’t really matter how old your baby is, the act of snuggling up together reading a story helps in enjoying the moment together. It’s a great way to just focus on your quality time together.
PLAY COPY-CAT faces – even from a fairly young age of a few weeks, babies love to copy facial expressions – smiling, sticking your tongue out, closing your eyes… whatever your baby’s age, give it a try and enjoy the eye-to-eye contact it brings. Show older children how to do this too, so that they can join in and feel involved and really bond with the new kid on the block who is diverting a lot of your attention away from them (how dare it!).
Each day is different. Some days are good, perhaps even thoroughly enjoyable, others are anything but. Recognise what you’ve achieved, even if that’s just changing out of one pair of PJs and into another fresh pair! Appreciate what you enjoy, and what you don’t, and embrace the good days and allow the shit ones to come and go… give yourself permission to be OK with that.
Frenemies
And finally in the world of Know It Alls, we have other parents. Now, I have to say that I’ve been REALLY blessed with my mum friends, new ones and ‘already’ mum mates. I have been met with minimal Know It All parenting advice and forced opinions, in fact I’ve had bucket loads of helpful suggestions. You’re always going to get one or two eyebrow-raising comments, but hey, that’s life.
I was also very lucky to have met a cracking bunch of girls through my NCT and baby clubs’ groups. Before I became a mum I was a bit snobby about these sorts of coffee-and-cake gangs since I thought all anyone did at them was prattle on about ‘how wonderful little Lily was’ and ‘isn’t Harry handsome’ blah blah, and basically made you feel like a bit of an incompetent fool.
Now, I know there are plenty of these types of mums, and that’s totally fine with me, I think every parent has the right to gush over their offspring and show off to all and sundry, but I’m a big believer in ‘like attracts like’, and for me, these keeping up with the Jones’-type parents are just not for me. I’ve met a few in certain one-off circles and quite frankly the last thing I need is another mother making me feel like crap and comparing and judging my parenting choices. Sod. That.
It really naffs me off when I hear from some mums that they’ve been met with competitive, judgey behaviour from fellow mums. One lady told me how she felt so rubbish after another mum unhelpfully commented that her son ‘seemed a bit behind as he wasn’t sitting up yet, and her own son had been doing it for weeks!’ – where’s the sisterhood there?!
I prefer to stick to what, and who, I know and that is being open, honest, all-inclusive and, above all, friendly to any fellow parent who fancies muddling through this parenting malarkey with me over a glass of wine and no-holds-barred natter. I’ll be going into the nerve-wracking business of making new mum friends in the next chapter, but with regards to the Know It Alls, never feel you have to measure yourself against anyone else, or justify your choices. Anyone who questions why you did this? and shouldn’t you do that? or just makes you feel a bit rubbish, perhaps just needs to be avoided altogether. No one needs that kind of crap, let alone a new mum.
‘A lot of people want to give you advice, and I think my problem was that I took it all to heart and personally. When a friend said I shouldn’t have the baby in bed with me and he should be sleeping in his cot by himself, I felt awful. I also felt enormous guilt, as I had been very critical of others before I’d become a mum.’
Katie – mum to Charlie, aged 11 months
Dr Reetta says…
Trusting yourself and listening to advice Parenting can be a very personal and emotive topic. The reaction many of us have to advice may be partly because we are reacting to the pressures and unrealistic expectations of today’s parenthood, where it often feels impossible to get it ‘right’. Modern mothers and fathers tend to want to make their own decisions rather than automatically following family traditions, which sometimes causes tensions. Theories and advice on baby care keep changing, too, so those advice-giving conversations could sometimes be seen as interesting comparisons, rather than anything more. As Anna says, take it as one way to view the situation, then make up your own mind. Sometimes other people are keen to give advice because they feel they have learned from their own ‘mistakes’ and they want to pass this knowledge on to others. Everyone goes through challenges slightly differently, and as they learned from their ‘mistakes’, you will learn from yours.
I want to say a few words about being ‘good enough’ (a concept originating from the work of paediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott) as a parent – something I talk about with all the parents I see in my clinic. This may be a concept you want to think back to when you feel overwhelmed with advice and others’ opinions. A ‘good enough’ parent adapts and responds to the needs of their baby, and is sensitive and empathetic towards them. As the baby grows, the parent allows that there will inevitably be some frustration and experiences that may not be quite what they would wish. Babies will go through times when no matter what you do, you can’t settle them. If you can encourage and tolerate all their feelings without becoming too overwhelmed (it is normal to find these times upsetting and overwhelming!), you are giving your baby experiences of being soothed and held (emotionally and literally), which will help them self soothe when they are a little older. Being ‘good enough’ teaches your child that it’s OK to feel frustrated and sad at times.
Top tips for dealing with advice from others and trusting your own style
1. If you do want advice from people around you, say so. Some people assume they know what type of help new parents would like, and although it may feel slightly awkward for you to be specific, it could be helpful for everyone involved. Most family and friends who give advice probably mean well and want to help, but perhaps need to be guided to the right direction. Are they engaging in advice giving because they don’t know how else to contribute? Similarly, when the roles are reversed, instead of offering advice or opinions to fellow parents, offer a listening ear instead. Be there to think and problem solve with them. Perhaps don’t offer advice at all if it hasn’t been asked for.
2. After you have done Anna’s Activity Alert in chapter 3, ‘Who do you think you are’, and thought about your values, then think, what would your days look like if you were living by these values? You may have an idealistic image of what you would like life with a baby to look like. What would ‘good enough’ parenting look like for you? Once you have your ‘good enough’ image of you as a parent, it is about aiming for all of this a ‘good enough’ amount of time, rather than all the time (this will allow for the unavoidable bad days without you feeling like you are failing). Then trust yourself, especially in those moments when you are receiving unwanted advice.
3. You will find yourself comparing yourself against someone else who is doing ‘more’ or ‘better’ sooner than you. This is normal, everyone does it – human beings all compare themselves to others. When you notice this happening, are you only seeing a partial image of this other person? The good and positive aspects of them? Could it be that this person is doing well in this area, but struggling in another? Are you noticing what is going well for you, rather than just what aspects you are struggling with? Asking yourself these questions encourages flexible, balanced thinking – a handy tool in any parenting anxiety-management toolkit.
‘I’m a strong woman and have my own opinions. I nod politely when given advice, and some has been useful, but I make my own decisions and am not swayed or feel inadequate – I know I can make the best choices for my children.’
Mel – mum of twins