The ‘first day of school’ feeling
‘Friendship ... is born at the moment
when one man says to another
“What! You too? I thought that
no one but myself . . .”’
C.S Lewis, The Four Loves, 1960
Baby steps…
ADJUSTING to life as a parent can feel lonely one moment, and then overwhelming with well-wishers and ‘helpers’ the next. Take each day as it comes and only do what you feel like doing, and when you want to.
AVOID CLIQUES. For every snooty mum clique, you’ll find 10 normal and down-to-earth groups of mums. Never feel you have to compare yourself to any other parent, and do surround yourself with like-minded fellow mums and dads.
A PROBLEM SHARED is a problem halved. Don’t bottle up any negative feelings, or let worries and insecurities fester. Be brave and talk about how you feel – you will not be alone in your thoughts and concerns.
New kid on the block
I’ve always been extremely lucky in that I’ve had a lot of the same friends since school, and as the only girl in my family (and I used to feel really hard done by not having a sister to nick clothes and make-up from), I’m blessed that along the way and into my early adulthood, I made some very close friends and confidantes who I consider my ‘sisters’ still today. True friends are worth their weight in gold and I’m blessed to have some of the very best.
So, when faced with my new pregnancy at the grand old age of 35, in my mind, the last thing I thought I needed were any new friends. With the sporadic work life I lead it’s often hard enough to keep up with the ones I already have, and yet, faced with the reality that I was going to be a mum, I suddenly felt this intense need to meet and talk to other women in my situation, and compare notes. Lots of my pals have children – in fact I’m one of the last to get sprogged up, but as a new mum to a now 10-month-old I can totally appreciate how even a few months of a baby age gap can make a huge difference between feeling like someone is on your exact wavelength, or not.
I’d always wished I could somehow time it to ensure I had a baby around the same time as one of my friends, someone to hang out with in Mothercare shopping for disgustingly over-priced buggies, and sniggering over breast pumps in John Lewis as we scoffed cake to our hearts’ content under the guise of ‘needing the energy’ (the law for any expecting mum), but of course, things don’t quite work that way. I found out I was pregnant in the first week of January 2016 by a bit of a fluke really – I only did the test out of habit and to use up the last one in the box.
So, here I was, in the baby way and I didn’t know anyone else who was in the same situation as me – typical. Umpteen godchildren, loads of friends’ kids, but nobody pregnant. I was literally the only person I knew having a baby and I craved a ‘friend’ I could whinge to and get excited and compare growing bumps with. Don’t get me wrong, all my friends were incredible and so excited for me, but I don’t think there can be a substitute for someone going through such a momentous life change as you at the same time. Having not delved into the ‘making new friends’ minefield since school some 20 years before, I had no clue where to start – I felt like a right novice. And so I decided to take my other ‘already mum’ friends’ advice, and join the NCT (National Childbirth Trust).
‘Another big adjustment for me was the slowing in the pace of life and the lack of friends in a similar position. I was the first among our friends to have a baby, we’d moved to the countryside two years before I got pregnant, but we had very few local friends as our social lives and jobs were still in London. Everyone told me that you meet people when you’ve got a baby, and they were right.’
Laura – mum to Saffy, aged 10 months
Making mum mates
It’s weird, you do this incredibly grown-up thing by becoming a parent, and yet, for me, I’d never felt more like a kid on the first day of school in my life! It’s a surreal feeling knowing that life as you’ve previously known it is about to become a whirlwind of weigh-in clinics, baby classes and kids’ tea parties, and it was one I resisted at first. I think it was a lot to do with being scared about losing my independent working woman status and feeling ‘done’ in that respect – working in broadcasting and media, never an inviting prospect!
I wanted to meet people embarking on a similar journey to me but, in my narrow-minded head, I didn’t want to become one of ‘those’ people whose day revolved around kids’ activities, competing with other mums for acceptance, and consuming vats of caffeine. I had such a weird, misplaced judgement surrounding it and have never liked cliques, so I really worried that this is what I’d be faced with. It turns out I wasn’t alone in my apprehension about meeting other mums – pretty much all the women I’ve spoken to talked of their fears about having to step out of their comfort zone and set foot into the daunting world of new parents.
A lot of mums find joining mum groups, such as coffee mornings, mums and babies groups, buggy fit etc, a really positive experience, but I totally appreciate that there are some who unfortunately don’t have quite such an easy transition or feel comfortable mixing with new people. I get it, it’s not just about you any more, it’s you WITH a baby in tow and that can cause so much extra anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, worries about being judged, and self-consciousness, and all it takes is the wrong comment at the wrong time to knock an already nervous mum right off her stride.
One mum friend spoke of feeling like a bit of a loner and as though she’d missed out on the new friend thing as she’d moved house just weeks before her baby was born. Faced with a new town and new people, she spoke of the nerves she felt at mum and baby clubs and as though everyone was already friends and in groups, so she just wasn’t sure where or how she could fit in. Thankfully, she wasn’t put off by feeling left out, and with brilliant bravery and insight signed up for a six-week baby massage course at her local Children’s Centre – the repetition of going every week with the same parents and babies really helped her confidence to grow, and for her to get to know them, and them her, and by the end of the course she’d got a few fellow mums’ phone numbers with plans to meet for coffee.
Breaking Point
DON’T STRESS! Just because you’re a new parent doesn’t mean you are alone – there will most certainly be others feeling the same as you and wanting a friend. The trick is to find each other.
NEWPALS don’t just fall in your lap, you have to go and find them… Be brave and reach out to other parents. Local Sure Start Children’s Centres (which offer free or subsidised classes, such as feeding talks, baby massage, baby sensory) and baby drop-in clinics (which each town offers as part of NHS post-natal care) are great places to meet new mums and dads, and your health visitor will be able to recommend local groups, talks and classes you might like to attend too. Also, libraries, churches, doctors’ surgeries, schools, gyms, leisure centres etc all often advertise and run mum (and dad) baby groups and coffee mornings, so it’s well worth having a look around your local area to see what’s on offer, and there are umpteen Facebook groups, too.
LIKE ATTRACTS like so have a think about the type of new parents you might have things in common with – ie culture, hobbies, location – and seek the places and people that interest you.
THE MAIN thing is, DO get out and join something, no matter how small… it really helps in easing any anxiety or blues, and evokes a sense of accomplishment, I promise.
Ten months on from giving birth, I am happy to eat my words and any apprehension I had at leaping into the mum mates’ no-man’s-land has been pretty much unfounded. On non-work days, I really do enjoy meeting up with the mums, dads and babies for a gossip, moan, sleep-deprivation empathy, and most importantly a good laugh!
‘I signed up to NCT classes where you get to mix with other pregnant mums-to-be, experiencing the same fears and emotions. You see, you are not alone. I kept reminding myself that thousands of women give birth every day and then go back for baby number two, so it can’t be that bad? Surely? Looking back now, I recognise that my fears were of the unknown.’
Jenni Falconer – TV presenter and mum to Ella
So, keen to meet some parent pals, halfway through my pregnancy, unsure of what to expect, I signed up for NCT antenatal classes, as that seemed like a good start, and something a lot of people seemed to do. Four weeks before our EDD (the estimated due date that all expectant parents become completely obsessed with) my husband (who was dragged) and I rocked up to the local town hall to embark on the course.
Turning up late (of course we did), I don’t think we did ourselves any favours in discreetly fitting in – the hubby had come straight from work as a personal trainer and was in sweaty gym gear, and I was caked in glittery telly make-up with a full-on glamour hairdo, fresh from appearing on Big Brother’s Bit on the Side show – compared to the respectably dressed and well turned-out other parents-to-be.
If you’ve never had the joy of antenatal, or parentcraft, classes it’s worth just signing up to one for a laugh so you can fully appreciate what it entails. It doesn’t have to be NCT, which you have to pay for (costs vary depending on location and the type of course), the NHS offer a free one if you prefer (these do tend to get booked up quickly), and there are other options such as hypnobirthing, and private and online antenatal sessions if you prefer to go down a more individual one-to-one route.
However, like so many others, we chose NCT classes. They are extremely popular, and a great way to meet other soon-to-be-parents from your local area. Ours consisted of a dozen or so expectant parents sitting around in a circle, all looking equally as awkward as their neighbouring stranger, clutching cups of tea in those bogey-green cups and saucers from the 1970s that all village halls seem to have, as we were encouraged to share our innermost private thoughts on breasts, vaginas and bodily fluids. It’s just so phenomenally surreal, and the genius of it all is that you tend to instantly bond and stick to each other for dear life in mutual fear, horror and hysterical-with-laughter empathy (and awkwardness).
‘The Children’s Centre activities, baby sensory, swimming etc have been an amazing way of meeting new people in the same boat. I have made a lovely group of friends through various classes. I’m not a very outgoing person but I made myself go to classes and meet up with new people otherwise I would have just been at home going crazy with cabin fever.’
Bronwen – mum to Georgia
My NCT group, many of whom have kindly contributed their experiences to this book, are without a shadow of a doubt the most fabulously witty and empathetic bunch of new mum friends I could ever have wished for. Along with the other lovely mum pals I’ve picked up along the way through meeting in the labour ward, pregnancy yoga, baby swimming, baby sensory, baby Italian club… (you get the idea), I genuinely never thought I would welcome another bunch of friends into my life so easily and readily. And in those early days of newborn night feeding and post-birth healing, I would have been completely lost without the WhatsApp groups that merrily pinged away every hour of the day (and night) serving as reassurance, empathy and contact with others going through exactly the same thing, at exactly the same time.
None us of knew each other prior to pregnancy and giving birth (I still struggle to remember their surnames now) yet I can list with complete confidence each of their birth stories, babies’ habits, and Friday night tipple preferences. I will never forget the refreshing honesty in those early weeks and months that these ladies offered up, a snapshot into their own lives and daily experiences that often mirrored mine, and they helped me feel not quite so alone and incompetent as they offered support, advice (if asked for), and a well-needed giggle at 2am! There are eight girls in my NCT group and there were many times when we were all on the same group message at some ungodly hour with babies attached to our boobs or the bottle, watching the Jeremy Kyle Show sign-language version (which denotes how ruddy late it is) and moaning about how ‘boring new babies actually are’.
‘I’d be secretly glad when people would message to say they’d had a bad night, as it made me feel not quite so bad.’
Katy – mum to Charlie
I realised that the anxiety I had about making new friends was unfounded. No one wants to be judged or not liked, we are ALL children at heart and fear rejection, but I’m so fortunate that meeting fellow mums has not only been an extremely positive experience for me, but it’s also been the absolute icing on the cake in helping me adjust to becoming a mum myself, and I’m very proud and lucky to call these ladies (with their gorgeous babies) my friends too.
‘The group has been a huge source of sympathy, encouragement and helpful advice. It’s not at all cliquey and probably one of the most positive experiences of female friendship I’ve ever had. Being able to raise worries and concerns and be listened to by non-judgemental women who “have your back” as it were has been such a massive source of support.’
Sarah – mum to James, aged 12 months
Activity alert 
Fake it til you make it
How we hold ourselves physically makes a huge difference to how we feel inside. It also helps in how others perceive us. A person who is feeling sad won’t feel or look it so much if they hold their head up, stand tall and smile. It sounds simple, and it is.
Making new friends can be nerve-wracking for anyone and it’s important to remember you won’t be alone in feeling anxious or nervous at new baby clubs or coffee hang outs. The key is to look confident, even if you’re not quite feeling it, to help get you out of the house and socialising with other parents – you might be surprised at how much it helps.
Take a deep breath and as you slowly breathe out feel the calmness wash over you.
Stand up nice and tall, shoulders back, head up and walk into whatever room or gathering you might be joining with confidence (even if it feels a bit faked, you’ll look like you want to be there).
Hold eye contact with others. It can be hard to do when feeling nervous, but pick out one or two people you like the look of and be sure to talk while looking them in the eye – it gives off warmth and sincerity.
Smile! You might not be feeling particularly chirpy, and you’ll have slept less than you’ve ever done in your life, but mustering up the best smile you can will help you feel better, and others also will naturally warm to you more than if you were down in the dumps. A smile is infectious – try it out.
Keep both feet planted on the floor (if appropriate) – it helps you to stop fidgeting with nerves and unease.
Ask a question. Remember, there’s every chance that other new parents have and are going through similar experiences to you, so break the ice and ask a question such as ‘how old is your little one?’ or simply saying ‘hello’, or ‘what’s your baby’s name?’
Put your phone away for a bit. A smart phone is most parent’s lifeline (I know), but when you’re out meeting people, enjoy the fact you have face-to-face company and conversation. Hiding behind a phone can make you seem disinterested and unapproachable.
Getting out and about
What a lot of parents don’t fess up to is how damn scary it is to venture outside of the safe confines of your home with a newborn. For lots of us leaving the house with the ticking time bomb of an unpredictable baby that can go off at any minute can cause some serious anxiety issues. It can feel like such a mission for any parent, whether fledgling or not, and what with the screaming, untimely ‘poonami’ poo explosions, and leaky nipple wet patches on your top (damn those flimsy breast pads!) – it can be bloody embarrassing!
‘I found motherhood very lonely at first, as the first one in my group of girlfriends, I felt under pressure to still be “me” and act like it hadn’t changed me.’
Beth – mum to Jacoby and Carys
I’ve always been a traveller, someone who enjoys exploring the world. From the age of 16 (when I cut my teeth in showbiz as part of a girlband – blush, ahh those were the days) I have been fortunate to travel the globe. I’ve filmed kids’ TV shows in the Australian outback, I’ve walked through the favelas of Brazil, and I’ve eaten all kinds of interesting things in rural China (pig lung soup anyone?). My mother calls me ‘worldly’. I just consider myself damn lucky to have had all these wonderful opportunities, and to have seen some incredible places.
So imagine my horror upon leaving the maternity hospital with my precious new addition and realising I was terrified of getting in the car, let alone the prospect of going back out into the big wide world with a new baby. My anxiety was sky high as we made the journey that every parent remembers – ‘taking baby home’. Even the most accomplished of drivers it seems pootle along at 15mph, causing tailbacks, while stressing that you might suddenly have a head-on collision. The precious cargo snoozes, totally oblivious, trussed up in the little white hat/babygro combo. Getting into the car, I remember thinking ‘I can’t do this!’ After the confines of the maternity unit, suddenly everything seemed so big and busy, noisy and bright, and it was surreal that everyone else was just going about their daily business.
After a couple of days of being at home in our new little family unit, my husband suggested we pop out for Saturday brunch. What?! Actually leave my safe haven of home comforts, baby paraphernalia and a toilet on tap for when my pelvic floor had an untimely release? To say I was anxious about going out was an understatement, I can’t overstate quite how scared I was just to venture a few miles down the road for an eggs benedict.
‘The crying in public is still a worry as people expect as the mother for you to have the magic touch and to stop them crying – sometimes that is not the case!’
Amira – mum to Davood
A few weeks later still, husband was back at work at this point, I made the brave decision to meet a fellow new mum friend for a coffee. Is there anything more anxiety inducing than driving solo with a newborn strapped in the back? It didn’t help that just a few weeks earlier the news had been full of a newborn fatality due to sitting in a car seat for too long, so as I drove at granny speed along the lanes I was anxiously checking my boy in the mirror for signs of distress at every safe moment. I only went two miles to the nearest town, but to my anxious and sleep-deprived self it was such an achievement! I felt nervous, flustered and overwhelmed about where to park, how to get the pushchair out, remembering the baby bag – and of course the baby* – that by the time I arrived at the coffee shop to meet my pal, I was in a bit of a frazzled state.
*I’ll fess up here, I once left the baby in the car in the supermarket car park (only for a minute or so thankfully). I’d just totally forgotten for a moment that I was no longer solo in my day-to-day activities – a guilt-ridden, gut-wrenching act that I know I’m far from alone in committing!
Thankfully I soon calmed down and, armed with a much-needed cup of coffee and helped by a friendly face, I soon relaxed a bit and allowed myself to enjoy some grown-up human company for an hour or so. What I didn’t realise at the time was that my new friend was equally as nervous as me about being ‘out’. I’ll never forget getting back home that day and being so proud of myself for managing to accomplish a seemingly small thing for most, but a huge one for me – and her.
Gradually, over time, I experimented with driving a bit further afield, sometimes to a baby massage class at the local council-run Children’s Centre, or the weigh-in clinic, and each time I ventured out, I just got that little bit more confident. Having a baby really can take you back to square one in so many ways, it’s like learning how to ride a bike from scratch again and having to work out how to peddle, steer and look ahead all at the same time. The feeling of responsibility was a huge challenge.
‘Early on, I avoided other mums as I was worried I wouldn’t know the answer to questions (such as, “how much did your baby weigh when he was born?”) – I felt like people could see my son didn’t have an attachment to me, so to compensate for this I felt an overwhelming need to tell everyone I met that he was adopted, as a way of explaining that I wasn’t a terrible mother.’
Erin – adopted mum of Zach
If you’re feeling the wobbles about getting out and about with your baby, just remember it’s all new, or at least daunting and stressful all over again, so it’s completely normal to feel a bit anxious about it. One journey and task at a time, one day at time, don’t feel any pressure to do anything you don’t feel ready to do, but equally see if you can push yourself just that tiny bit to ensure you’re not just stuck at home all the time, especially if you have other children as they’ll be keen to get out and about – feeling isolated and lonely isn’t going to help that pesky mental health, and let’s be honest, being a parent can be really boring too! Maybe you could pop to the supermarket (getting to know how the baby trollies work is another new thing to fathom and master), or head out to the park to meet a friend – anything to help grow your confidence and break up the boredom. You can do it my friend, just go at your pace.
Breaking Point
Breaking up the boredom
Pick one or more of these things to try, and feel free to add any of your own and give them a go. You could either time this for when your baby is down for a nap or you might want to consider getting your partner/a babysitter/friend/mum to give you some time off:
PLAN A PAMPER hour – lock yourself in your bathroom, light a candle, buy a relaxing bath oil (such as lavender), a face pack and a body scrub and just give yourself some time to have a jolly good soak and relax.
PLAN SOMETHING for you. It might be a nail appointment (check out Groupon or Wowcher for local offers), perhaps sitting in a local cafe enjoying some peace and quiet reading a new book, or perhaps having your hair done. Choose something within your budget just for you.
PLAN A COFFEE date – human interaction is so helpful in lifting our mood, even better when it means you have to get out of your house (which can sometimes feel like a baby prison) and physically meet up somewhere. Plan it for a day that suits you and look forward to keeping that date.
TAKE SOME EXERCISE. It might be doing a home exercise DVD or YouTube workout, going for a walk in the local park with a pal, joining a gym, signing up to a yoga class, having a swim and sauna at the local pool. Find something you enjoy – exercise is so important and proven to lift mood and alleviate anxiety.
Out with the old
There’s no doubt about it, having a baby puts pressure on all the relationships in your life, your partner (if you have one), your family, and your friendships. I’m going to be talking about the changes that occur within a relationship shortly, but for now, I want to shine the spotlight on friendships.
Friendships are like seasons, they come and go, but true friendships stand the test of time whatever the circumstances. However, it’s pretty fair to say that friendships can be tested when you chuck a baby into the mix. Now, in an ideal world, your close pals have children around the same time as you so you all evolve from drinking til you puke to changing nappies, together. It never quite works out like this though, and babies can cause cracks and strains in even the most watertight of kinships.
It’s a tough course to navigate and many parents feel torn between keeping up with their old lifestyle and friendship groups, or embracing the sofa and take-away for the umpteenth Saturday night in. It takes time to find your groove and work out how to operate as a mum or dad who now can’t go out as often as perhaps you once did, and even if you do, that taking a little one along is going to be a whole different experience.
‘It was like being back at school again – making new friends and hoping I was part of the cool gang… another point for anxiety. Non-baby friend relationships are now very different. I don’t want to be the person who became boring since having a baby but I often feel like I only have that to talk about. I no longer have time for my hobbies or interests because of the baby so I feel like I have nothing interesting to say.’
Cat – mum to Jack, aged two years
We toyed with trying to have it all and attempted to keep up with friends’ gatherings and drinks down the pub on a Friday night – and the upshot was it just made me feel crap. A crap friend for not being able to fully commit to a night out, and a crap mum for not just staying in staring at the baby monitor. Day events seemed a good solution. We decided to take our teething six-month-old to a (baby-free) friends’ BBQ and spent the majority of the day wheeling him around in the pram, in the garden, in the rain (classic Britain!), to ease his crying, not really speaking to anyone at all and feeling like we had the grumpiest baby in the world ever. In the end we regrettably left having barely eaten a sausage – and of course the minute we did, little man decided to turn off the waterworks and smile adoringly at us for the rest of the evening.
‘My best mate had a baby three months after me. She lives half an hour from me yet we barely see each other. It feels so strange... surely we should be seeing each other weekly?! Her baby is on a strict routine and she is so frightened of breaking it that she doesn’t try and make plans or want to do anything that is further than five minutes away. It makes me mad inside.’
Pia – mum to Mathilda
Friendships can be tested when you become a parent. You most probably won’t be able to respond to messages as quickly, or at all, let alone get round to ringing someone back for a chat as any such spare time may be spent frantically trying to do a wash, cook dinner etc. Like a lot of us, you might also just not give a flying toss and be too exhausted to even have anything to say to anyone anyway, other than reflect on how many feeds your baby is managing, and how much you’d give for a few hours of unbroken sleep. So many mums say they feel so cut off from civilised chat in those first few weeks that they barely know how to, or care about trying to, keep up with the daily news and gossip.
Friends who don’t have kids can be tricky to reassure at first as you suddenly disappear off the face of the earth into a baby vortex, and pals who do have kids are dealing with their own issues and adjusting with their own children, and might not have time to invest in friendships of old either.
There’s also the awkward and sensitive issue of friends who might be trying for a baby themselves, perhaps they’re already pregnant and won’t want to hear your moans and groans, some friends may have experienced difficulties such as losing a baby, and others might be going through the undoubtedly stressful experience of having fertility help to conceive, such as IUI or IVF. There are of course also friends who might not be able to have children, yet desperately want them, and some who have actively chosen not to become parents. There are so many circumstances and situations that absolutely might need some very careful handling, but it’s important to remember that this doesn’t in any way mean you have to feel guilty and pretend all is well, if it’s not. Being empathetic, tactful and considerate is important, but it’s key not to feel silenced if you need to offload any feelings – perhaps just be sensible in who you confide in.
One new mum-to-be I know feels in a very awkward situation as she’s 20 weeks pregnant and feeling awful with sickness and birth anxiety, and yet her friend has tragically just lost her baby at 39 weeks – obviously the most upsetting possible situation, and one that has unfortunately had a big emotional impact on both women and their friendship. Time and space will hopefully enable their friendship to recover, but understandably, the pregnant mum-to-be has taken a back seat to, in her words, ‘not flaunt’ her growing bump, while her friend grieves. A desperately unjust situation, and a good reminder that there is often a lot of give and take in a friendship.
Generally speaking, empathy for others can really help you to manage any feelings of upset, annoyance or worry regarding a tested friendship. Talk to your friends about any concerns you might have – even a weekly text message can show you they care, and vice versa – and also remember that sometimes people do just move on. There is nothing wrong with that. Ask yourself ‘what does this friendship give me?’ and the answer can help you decide what you’d like to do going forwards – whichever way, and with whomever you choose.
Cutting loose – the first night OUT out
If you’ve managed to ease yourself out of the house with your baby, eventually, sooner rather than later for some, the time might come for you to venture out of the house without your baby. It might be a night with your old mates, an evening with your new mummy mates – whatever the soirée of choice, the first time is undoubtedly one of the most momentous and conversely over-hyped escapes you will make. It’s an outing fraught with emotion… nerves, excitement, anxiety, dread, delirium, and will often take a shed load of planning*.
* This last point is especially true if you are breastfeeding as you’ll need to work out how the baby can be fed in your absence (whether this is milk you express just before going out, to avoid upsetting your production cycle and leaking everywhere, or formula). What’s more, you’ll also need to try to get your baby to accept a bottle well in advance of your night out – and this can be more difficult than you might imagine. Once you are out, you really do need to be careful about how much alcohol you drink as it will affect your milk – in all likelihood you’ll have to express and throw away the tainted milk you produce while you are out and shortly afterwards, which means you’ll need an alternative to give the baby. No wonder mums often can’t be bothered and opt to stay in!
Months of abstinence during pregnancy, the early weeks of breastfeeding and general birth recovery has meant you haven’t sipped anything other than cordial for yonks, and the prospect of a few glasses of something stronger is, quite frankly, bloody exciting. Added to that, getting out of your vomit-stained tracky bs, popping some actual heels on (steady with this, I fell over straight away having worn nothing but flip-flops for 12 months), and perhaps a smidge of make-up, the first night out after having your baby is a HUGE deal.
So many mums I asked laughed fondly at the memory of their version of ‘wetting the baby’s head’, and you can see why. Us mums can get up to here with the incessant demands of our new babies, angry beyond belief at the constant crying (OMG the ear-splitting CRYING!), and just need a jolly good release with a like-minded crowd. One mum told me that she was once so stressed and fed up with her baby’s crying that she stood in her kitchen with the cooker extractor fan on full pelt so it drowned out the screams, while she angrily yelled into a cushion to relieve some of her exasperation! Once her baby finally settled she promptly texted a new mum mate and demanded that a night out was to be planned IMMEDIATELY.
My first night out was pretty much on a par with that of many other mums I speak to. The NCT lot decided on a drink and some food at a local establishment. Turning up at 7pm sharp, the palpable feeling of excitement at a) bagging a babysitter/getting the dad to take a shift b) being out and c) in like-minded company was off the scale. It was almost as if we were under starters’ orders as we packed in whatever we could consume in the two-hour window we’d all been afforded by hopefully sleeping babies. Freshers students had nothing on us… the over-excitement versus the fact we hadn’t drunk in forever just meant that all the pent-up stress, anxiety, cabin fever and general ‘hello again life’ just came spilling out of knackered new mums buoyed by the finest sauvignon blanc.
I can’t actually remember how the night concluded, but let’s just say mums were being picked off one at a time by stressed dads texting frantically, unable to settle fractious four-month-olds, and after a couple of hours I, too, bundled myself into a cab home. I’m not proud of the following scene but much to my husband’s annoyance, I arrived home, staggered through the door ‘steaming’, and spent the next six hours with my head down the loo. My penance was being made to do the 5am feed. OMG worst moment ever.
I wasn’t alone in my state… most of the other girls reported similar scenes back at their homes, and the point is this: we NEEDED a night to cut loose. OK, getting drunk accidentally on three drinks isn’t the coolest thing I’ve ever done, but for a new mother, fizzing with stress and desperate to let it out and have some fun, it was just what I needed.
I’m not for one minute suggesting you go out and follow my irresponsible actions (and the hangover was brutal) but the need to have some time off, even for a few hours, is essential for a parent of a young baby. A chance to remember who you are, and an opportunity to regain a bit of the old you. It’s also super important to hang out with your other half too, it can be a bit of a mission organising babysitters but it’s really worth making the effort to make it happen, after yonks of ‘shift eating’, having a meal together where you’re not rushing, bolting it down in two minutes, can be a relationship game changer! Couple time is key in regrouping and communicating with each other, without your little one interrupting.
‘It was our wedding anniversary four weeks after the birth of our son so my parents offered to babysit for a few hours so we could go out for a meal. OMG, it was surreal being out without the baby, we felt giddy with excitement yet nervous about leaving him. After weeks of feeling like crap, it was just nice to be out, together, and wearing decent clothes!’
Meryl – mum of Sonny, aged four months
How to… enjoy your first day or night out
ENLIST the help of someone you trust to care for the baby – your other half, a parent, in-law, friend or highly trained and vetted professional.
IF YOU CAN, make sure you feed your baby just before you leave to give you peace of mind that you have at least a few hours until the next one is due.
IF YOU WANT TO, experiment with expressing breast milk or trying a bottle at least a few days before you’re due out so someone else can feed the baby if they need to while you’re away.
ARRANGE to go somewhere fairly near home so you can feel reassured you can get back quickly if necessary.
CHOOSE to go out with some like-minded pals – who get how much you need it and any time constraints you might be under.
TAKE IT EASY! Enjoy your few hours of ‘you time’, but remember to be safe and sensible (ish) … so you can enjoy the nice after-effects of your time off too.
The heat is on
Let’s turn our attention to the ‘significant other’ in your life, if you have one. The person you hopefully chose to embark on this crazy baby-mummy-and-daddy journey with.
Anyone who says ‘let’s have a baby, it’ll be the most romantic experience ever’ needs to have their head flushed down a loo! Having a baby and ‘romance’ is a pipe dream best saved for the Hollywood movies. In our case, the most romance either of us has seen in the 10 months since Enzo was born is an early night wearing a clean pair of PJs (we genuinely get excited about this). Now, I know plenty of people DO feel smoochy cutesy and overcome with love and lust for their other half the minute they become a parent – and that’s lovely, truly – but for us, the moment our little boy joined us, I don’t mind admitting, was the moment we were seriously tested as a couple.
In the first few weeks after our son’s arrival, we had two of the most almighty rows ever. And I mean those real screamy, shouty, slightly foaming at the mouth, ones. The cause? Who bloody knows eh? … but lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed, insecurity, anxiety and hormones didn’t help. Having never endured successive broken nights of sleep in our lives, the competitive tiredness between us was almost worthy of an Oscar. Obviously I won each time as we growled and grunted at each other, I blatantly (and probably unfairly) pulled the ‘I’ve JUST given birth out of my VAGINA’ card every time, which kind of made most of his mutterings null and void. Looking back now, we can have a good laugh (almost) and reminisce about the ‘dark days’ when all we wanted to do was stab each other in the eye, and curse the other for getting more sleep. It was pathetic how we’d try and score points with the ‘well YOU got 15 minutes more than me last week…’-type arguments.
Based on research carried out by the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, USA, parenting advice mecca Babble reports that almost one in six relationships break up after the birth of a baby. My belief is that if we understand and accept why relationships feel so tested at this time in life, and do something to keep things on an even keel, more people will be able to salvage their love and keep the flame alive until easier times arrive – for they almost certainly will.
‘We set up two camps… one in the bedroom, and one in the sitting room. We’d take turns to get up for feeds and bed swap – baby feeding took place on the sofa surrounded by pillows, rugs and DVD boxsets, the off-duty parent got to go back to sleep in the actual bed. Essential survival yes, romantic it was not.’
Robin – surrogate dad to Lily, aged 18 months
Relationships take a heck of a shake when a baby joins as the third wheel. Suddenly there is a permanent distraction, and this is only exacerbated by having further children. We run the risk of showering all our love on to the baby, with little left for the other half, especially if other children are jealous and being very demanding of what love and attention we have to spare. A baby needs so much attention, love and care that it really can be all too much to even consider sharing your affection. And I was that person – I didn’t feel I had enough love for even my son initially, let alone my husband! Parents can feel rejected or sidelined by their other half, now that a gurgling baby takes the lion’s share of cuddles. Add in a knackered, recovering mum, a stressed dad, a baby who feeds on demand every few hours, chores needing doing, potential post-birth body hang ups, and of course, the dreaded discussion of… S – E – X…
The very activity that got every parent in this situation in the first place, post birth this can become a major elephant in the room, the one act that, let’s face it, neither side particularly wants to do.
I’m going to be delving more into post-birth sex anxiety, and the different perspectives from men and women, in later chapters.
We need to remember who we have chosen to join us on this adventure, and allow them to grow and adapt with us. Change doesn’t happen overnight (although the baby’s arrival probably did!), so give things time to settle as you all adjust, and keep bickering to a minimum by trying to notice the nicer things, not the irritating ones.
‘I actually hated my husband… I’d gone from loving him more than anything, to seething with resentment as he slept soundly next to me as I grappled with nipple cream and a hungry baby. How dare he get more sleep than me!’
Sandi – mum to Thomas, aged six months
Activity alert
Notice the nice stuff
In those moments of all-consuming baby tyranny, it can be tricky to focus on the other important people in your life. Tiredness, soreness, worry, anxiety, stress… can all affect a relationship, so catch yourself before you feel resentment or negativity and try to remind yourself of your partner’s good points. It’ll do wonders for your bonding, but also ease any tension between you.
Have a think about your partner and what qualities, acts of kindness or support you are grateful for. This is an example of my list, so just a template, but do make up your own:
He makes me endless cups of tea.
When I see him smile at the baby it makes my heart melt.
He runs me a bath without me having to ask, makes me eat when I forget, and remembers to feed the cat.
I get a big cuddle and kiss when I need it the most.
I get told I look beautiful even though I don’t feel it at the moment.
He sometimes agrees to do a full night of feeds so I can catch up on sleep.
I love it when we go for a family walk – just the three of us.
Devise your own lists, and keep reminding each other what you like most about the other. Let the appreciation outweigh the criticism. Happy couple, happy baby.
Dr Reetta says…
Getting used to the new you We all know that relationships are central to our functioning, well-being and moods. We also know that a new baby will lead to changes in all our relationships. What we often don’t realise is how the transition to parenthood impacts on these – for many parents it can be quite unexpected.
But it makes sense – there’s so much changing – whether it’s our shifting identities (you might wonder whether you’ll ever be ‘you’ again), new roles and how they are divided (and can cause conflict if there’s a lack of understanding of each other’s lives if one is at work and the other at home). Add to that an often new burden of financial responsibility if one of you is on maternity or paternity leave. Over time your new identity will develop and adapt to absorb your new parenting role, but there will be bits of your old identities that you might miss – in you or in your partner. Try to be patient – most parents will manage to find some time for their relationships once they settle into parenthood.
If you have a partner, you should anticipate and allow for changes in your relationship. The transition to parenthood can be stressful, even in a very well-functioning relationship, and there may be feelings of frustration and rejection. Expect the first year to be tough, as you are each finding your place in the family, negotiating a balance between family time and individual time. Having a baby can bring up difficult feelings from your own childhood or about your own family relationships – perhaps you don’t have a close bond with your parents, or they have died – becoming a parent can really bring feelings of sadness about these to the fore. You will each have had your own different experiences of being parented that you will bring to parenting your baby together. It may be that you want to be very different to your parents, or pick aspects of their parenting that you like and not adopt ones that you don’t like. Similarly, your partner will bring their experiences and views.
Anna describes a lovely-sounding group of friends, old and new, in her life. Making and keeping friends isn’t easy for everyone, however. I wonder whether it is Anna’s honesty and openness to talking about difficult aspects of life that have enabled all these friendships to flourish?
Tops tips for dealing with friendships and relationships
1. If you have a partner, keep communicating and working together as much as possible. Have realistic expectations of each other and regularly schedule in some time together. Accept that most of the time there isn’t a quick or easy solution to anything that is to do with relationships. Talk together about your thoughts about parenting and where they come from – could that help to explain why an aspect of being a parent is tricky for you or your partner?
If you are worried about your relationship or feel you might be on the verge of separating, have a look at www.relate.org.uk and their ‘new parents’ section. You can also try a free online chat with a Relate counsellor through their website. Speak to your health visitor or GP to find out about local support for parents, including couples’ counselling.
2. Changing how you behave towards other people is often the easiest way to change how they relate to you. What are your personal triggers for feeling frustrated or upset with people? For new parents, such as Anna and her husband, a common trigger is sleep deprivation. When you’re tired, it is difficult to regulate your emotions. Are there unhelpful patterns that seem to keep repeating with friends or partners? Do you need to develop new ways of coping with these situations?
3. How would you like to come across when you meet and get to know other parents and potential friends? Anna’s Activity Alert ‘Fake it til you make it’ is a great place to get some ideas for those interactions. Facing your fears, gradually, is a useful principle to keep in mind if you are feeling anxious about the social aspects of parenthood. You will learn that those situations tend to get easier the more you expose yourself to them. Any negative self-talk you notice, replace it with something more helpful and balanced.
Tackling negative self-talk
This is important because negative self-talk can make you feel bad and behave in self-defeating ways. Firstly, you need to become aware and start spotting your negative self-talk. Secondly, you need to challenge those thoughts and look at alternative ways to view the situation. What is the evidence for and against what you are thinking? Is this a thought or a fact? What alternative perspectives are there: what would you think about this situation if you were having a good day or were feeling more confident, what would you say to a friend with this thought? Is thinking this way fair or helpful to you? The ultimate goal is to speak to yourself as you would to someone you care for, by being fair, kind and not expecting perfection.
Breaking unhelpful patterns in behaviour
What are your unhelpful patterns in behaviour that keep repeating in your relationships with family and friends? It may be around pleasing people, not being able to say ‘no’, not being able to be yourself or feeling you have failed when something goes less than perfectly. It’s important to think of unhelpful behaviours as these are linked to feelings, including anxiety. Becoming aware and acknowledging patterns in behaviour is key to addressing them. What alternative ways of behaving can you think of or have you observed in other people? Think of small ways of altering your behaviour and experiment how the changes in behaviour influence how you feel.