The ‘don’t forget dad’ feeling
‘It’s much easier to become a father than to be one.’
Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son, 1999
Baby steps…
YOU MATTER TOO. You may not have physically given birth to your new baby but you are equally as important, and that goes for your feelings, too.
IT TAKES TIME to adjust to your new dad role. Like mum, there is a period of change and settling in… Don’t rush and just take each day as it comes.
LET IT OUT! Men in particular can keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, but this won’t help anyone, least of all you. Confide in your partner, friend or someone you trust and let any negativity or worry out.
One for the dads
Hands up if you’re a mum, and as you read the title of this particular chapter you did a little snort of contempt at the mere suggestion that guys might have it hard when it comes to parenting. I’ve lost count of the amount of times people have ribbed my husband when he’s complained about how hard raising a child can be, and I must admit, I do often sneer whenever a dose of man-flu threatens an appearance – which obviously renders him incapable of daddy duties while he snivels as though he’s at death’s door for days on end.
But eye rolling aside, dads obviously matter too. Gone are the days when an expectant father nervously propped up the local boozer smoking cigars, while his wife did all the hard work in the nearest maternity ward. We have come a long way from those clichéd, segregated roles, and more than ever parenting is as wonderfully diverse as I believe it should be.
Dads are just as important, and vulnerable, in their new parenting role as anyone. So dads, this is a chapter all about you. Your thoughts, feelings and behaviours as you embark on the crazy journey of being a parent, and for us mums, a chance to explore and listen to what might be going on for the baby-daddies in our lives – without us pulling rank for once.
‘It was on one random Thursday night after work in the pub with my pregnant fiancée at home, and it all started sinking in – the guilt, the worry, the regret and my first proper moment of anxiety: sh*t I’m going to be a dad!’
Daniel – dad to Willow, aged 12 months
Becoming dad
For obvious reasons this chapter has proved to be one of the most challenging to write, so as well as conducting my own research, tapping up my husband and giving him carte blanche to offload, I’ve also put my little black book to work and enlisted the help of some of my wonderful dad pals to assist me in ensuring I get down to the nitty gritty, and represent men properly.
The overwhelming feedback I get from dads is that the shift from happy-go-lucky guy to responsible parent is huge. There is so much focus on the mums, and understandably so, but often new fathers feel sidelined, disregarded and yet just as equally terrified about the monumental life change that becoming a parent brings. Post-natal depression and anxiety in dads is rarely talked about, but I can assure you, it’s a thing, and something that should be treated with as much respect and concern as it is for anyone else. Witnessing your child coming into the world from a dad’s perspective is one of the most emotionally charged, tense and surreal moments a man can ever experience, and OK, they might not have done the physical birthing bit, but it can be equally traumatic and have lasting emotional and mental effects that may need addressing. We’ll be exploring post-natal depression and anxiety in dads a little later in this chapter.
‘I think the realisation that you’re responsible for a life suddenly dawns on you – it’s a very lonely period.’
Ben – dad to Darcy, aged three months
Nowadays, I’d say the majority of fathers are present at the birth of their babies – expectant mums want them there for the practical and emotional support. From attending antenatal classes and panic buying unnecessary baby paraphernalia to cheering their partner on at the bedside, guys on the whole are very much involved in assisting in their offspring’s arrival – in fact the NCT reports that a whopping 97 per cent of dads are present at the birth of their child these days. Of course, however, some mothers do prefer their baby’s father not to be present, choosing instead a birth partner such as a family member, friend or professional doula. What’s more, interestingly, a survey carried out by the Royal College of Midwives showed that a significant number of mothers (over one-third) wished their partner hadn’t been present, with many saying they ‘got in the way’.
Compared to the varying degrees of pain, compromised dignity and exhaustion often experienced by the mother, the birth-partner dad role does seem like the far easier and preferred choice. Hell, I’d have preferred to be the flannel-toting bystander at my son’s birth! However, the lack of control that some guys report can feel just as intense emotionally and mentally.
If my husband could have switched places with me throughout my pregnancy and labour I’m certain he would have. Easy to say, but I know that the lack of control he felt while watching me in distress, and knowing that our baby was in a tricky position, was the most stressful and anxious time of his life. At one point he had a genuine fear of losing both of us (he was wrong, by the way – the docs had it all under control, I can assure you), but he still speaks emotionally of feeling redundant in the operating theatre as several medics took over, wiring me up to machines, asking for my consent to carry out emergency ‘procedures’, while he sat hopelessly in a chair ‘all gowned up with nowhere to go’. It was his wife. His baby. And although he appreciated that I was in good hands, he was also well aware that he didn’t have a CLUE about what was happening, or if everything was going to be OK. I can only imagine the fear he must have felt in those tense few minutes, having no choice but to simply go along with how his son was about to be born, and praying no one would cock it up.
Prior to the birth, we’d had a ‘deal’ about how I was to find out the sex of our baby… I had envisaged this romantic scene where my husband would assist in the final ‘bit’ and present our new son or daughter to me. We’d cry tears of joy, pose for pics and snuggle together as a new little family of three, like they sometimes do on One Born Every Minute. The reality was that he had to witness his baby being yanked out of me rather forcefully by forceps, (which, let’s just say, was messy), he saw a little bundle of baby boy ‘bits’ dangling as the obstetrician held him aloft, and tearfully whispered to me ‘Anna, we’ve got a boy’. I was so shocked and out of it by this point that my poor other half had to savour this life-affirming moment solo, and as I lay there in recovery, my husband suddenly had the terrifying responsibility of needing to tend to our new baby, while also not wanting to leave my side. He admits now that the whole experience knocked him for six, and for several weeks afterwards he felt in a state of shock and very emotional.
‘Most people would say that the birth of their child is the happiest moment of their life. I love my new baby dearly and I was on cloud nine when he was born and for the first few months of his life, but now I’m ashamed to find myself overcome with anxiety and depression during what should be such a fun time.’
Phil – dad to Zachary, aged six months
Daddy doubts
Much like new mums, dads report major insecurities about being ‘good enough’. Why do we all heap so much pressure and expectation on ourselves? Well, it’s because we care. Most of us strive to be the best parent possible from the moment the test shows positive, but it’s safe to say that many fathers completely crap themselves the moment they become one.
One of the initial anxieties seems to relate to the practicalities of parenting. How do I know what to do? Will I be able to do everything? Will the baby like me? Will I like the baby back? All of these are real concerns from real dads. By far the most talked-about cause of sheer panic experienced in those fledgling days, though, is the dreaded ‘nappy anxiety’.
Let’s be honest chaps, other than ensuring one’s own pants are changed on a (vaguely) regular basis, handling bodily fluids and excrement is pretty much a solo activity. Women have their monthly joy to deal with, but guys, other than the morning ‘sh*t, shower, shave’, sequence, that really is about as down and dirty as it gets – that is, until a little poo monster moves in.
The moment you become a dad, it is pretty much expected in this day and age that you’ll roll your sleeves up and get well and truly stuck in to the nappy-changing shit storm. Gone are the days when chaps can duck out of the rota. In fact, during those early few weeks in particular while mum is recovering and needing a break in between feeds, it’s often over to daddy to do the honours.
My husband was actually the first to change our son’s nappy in the hospital. I was gratefully slurping away at my tea and munching my toast post birth when the ‘don’t mess with me’ midwife bowled over to our cubicle and instructed us that we needed to change the baby’s nappy. Happy to be useful and carry out his first daddy job, my other half enthusiastically followed instructions as he cautiously opened up the pooey Pandora’s Box… Yet little did he know quite how stubborn the first meconium poo can be. You know the one I’m talking about yeah? Like a bit of chewing gum stuck on your shoe, it just won’t come off unless some serious effort is put in.
Minute after minute went by as attempts to remove the sticky tar-like substance were unsuccessful. The more he wiped, the more the wretched stuff spread like Marmite. Watched over by me, the midwife and goodness knows who else’s prying eyes, I’m surprised the poor bloke didn’t just throw in the towel, declare ‘sod this’, and just bail for the door sharpish! In his words, the moment he’d completed this gruelling task he felt ‘bloody relieved’ – until the next time a poonami struck that is.
Nappy ‘anxiety’ (I use the term loosely here as it’s more a knackered, can’t-be-arsed stress than actual anxiety) inflicts itself on us all… nobody enjoys the sweat-inducing gamble of nappy-changing time, and parents all over the world are in a constant battle of ‘no, it’s YOUR turn!’ I know my husband and I aren’t the only ones who make impassioned pleas to each other of ‘why can’t you do it?’, and pull rock, paper, scissors to get out of the unpleasant job – the winner literally jumping for joy at dodging a grouchy, kicking, squirming, screaming banshee. I can only imagine the JOY that successful potty training brings, signalling the end of nappy anxiety forever.
‘Nothing is more stressful than working out how to change a shitty nappy – which has gone all the way up her back – whilst stuck in the car in a motorway traffic jam.’
Amir – dad to a two-month-old girl
A lot of fathers take paternity leave, some don’t, occasionally some go it alone as single dads, and others decide to take on, or share, the parenting with their partner. This latter is what my husband and I decided to do. The nature of our work is such that no two weeks are the same, and that’s also true when it comes to our income. As I’ve explained in earlier chapters, the need for me to resume some sort of normality with work became fairly immediately apparent, so we made an agreement to share the childcare duties between us as best we could.
Stay-at-home dads are on the rise: the Office of National Statistics reports that the amount of fathers who are the main childcare provider has doubled in the last 20 years. There are around a quarter of a million chaps in the UK who are now raising their kids while their partner goes out to work. A recent survey carried out by insurer Aviva shows that one in seven dads are the main childcare providers in UK households, and nearly a quarter of dads either give up work or reduce their hours after the birth of their children. What seems to be pretty certain is that stay-at-home dads, although not the majority, are definitely growing in numbers.
Many factors dictate whether or not a father takes on the Daddy Day Care role – most commonly it’s for financial reasons, and if a partner is earning more it can often seem like the sensible option for one parent to work and the other to take on the day-to-day task of raising the kids.
Being a part-time, or full-time dad, can carry its own stresses, anxieties and stigma. Some guys report feeling emasculated, judged and lonely, and it’s an unfair and upsetting burden to carry. But in the age of equality, it is definitely, and thankfully, lifting, with a load of guys taking the (baby) reins and proudly becoming the primary carer.
It can of course be a nerve-wracking role at first, but my husband now has no problem taking our son to rhyme time, baby signing, or Enzo’s weekly SwimKidz class – he’s not ashamed or embarrassed to grovel around on the floor pretending to be a ‘horsey’, and he can belt out Old Macdonald better than anyone (in fact he can sing it in both English AND Italian). The really fab thing is he’s not the only man at these gatherings. OK, it’s mostly mums, but there are always one or two other dads giving it some welly too – and I can guarantee you they are made to feel welcome. In fact the dads at my son’s groups are often the leaders in the ‘shall we all go for a coffee and play date after class?’ idea. We’re all one and the same – parents in need of coffee and chat.
So, if you’re a dad who’s getting stuck into childcare, first, good for you, and second, you’re not alone in the slightest. There are dad groups popping up all over the shop, on social media, locally to you, via ante/post-natal groups etc, so why not have a look around at who you might be able to buddy up with, hone your best soft-play game, and embrace an extremely worthwhile job. These websites are especially great for dads: www.dad.info and www.fatherhoodinstitute.org, containing a wealth of tips, information and advice on how to be an involved father, whether you are the primary carer or not.
In contrast to the above scenario, there are many dads who aren’t able to spend as much time with their child/ren as they’d like. Perhaps you and the mum aren’t together, or your working hours/location mean your time is limited with your baby, or maybe you feel unsure how to fit in in understanding your new role. Whatever your situation, it’s important that you don’t bottle it up and plod along in silence. Make the most of the time you do have with your little one and ensure you factor in opportunities to be ‘daddy’. If you travel a lot, Facetime and Skype can be really helpful for keeping in touch with your family if you’re unable to be there in person, and can be very effective when it comes to keeping the contact and familiarity with your baby as close as possible.
‘My job as a flight attendant takes me away from home for several nights a month and I’m often exhausted and jet-lagged when I return. I find it difficult to fit back into the family dynamic, and know what to do with my daughter as all the routines and phases seem to evolve weekly! I’ve started making sure I have a whole day of just daddy-daughter time to make sure we keep bonding.’
James – dad to Molly, aged six months
How to… be the best you can be
PERHAPS you’re not able to be around as much as you’d like, or you’re feeling a bit left out in your new dad role. It’s important to speak up and tell your partner/the baby’s mum how you feel – they aren’t a mind reader so share your feelings with them.
ASK FOR help and to be included as much as possible. If you’re unsure of how to do some things, such as feeding or nappy changing, ask for some extra support and guidance. It will help in building up your confidence and self-esteem as a new dad.
SUGGEST TIMES when you’re around and free to spend quality time with your baby, and as a family. If it helps, or works for you, treat it like a work or doctor’s appointment and block it out of your diary as ‘highly important’.
CHOOSE something special to do regularly with your child, a daddy-baby activity such as a walk, reading a story or bath time. The routine will do wonders for you both and be something to look forward to.
MAKE THE time you DO spend with your little one count. Put your phone and laptop away, turn off the TV and just enjoy spending uninterrupted time together, playing, talking and having cuddles.
DO WHAT you can to keep in touch and present in your child/ren’s life. If you’re away from the house use Facetime, Skype or the phone to keep in contact so you can see and hear each other regularly. Read stories, ask questions, make silly noises, and sing songs… whatever you feel like to keep that connection and bond strong. That way, out of sight is NOT out of mind.
IF YOU HAVE more than one child, one of the most useful things you can do is make a bit of a fuss of the other children, who may well be feeling a bit miffed, and try to make things as normal for them as possible by doing stuff you enjoyed before the new baby came along.
When paternity leave… leaves
It seems like only moments ago you were vegging out on the sofa cradling your newborn among the congratulatory chaos of cards, flowers and presents, and in the blink of a sleep-deprived eye, the couple of weeks’ paternity leave is over and most chaps find themselves back at work. However, ‘work’ is no longer just where you go to earn a crust, and gone are the days when you can hotfoot it straight to the pub for a pint, the gym for a session, or even straight home for a chill on the couch.
For dads who return to work after the birth of their baby, it can suddenly feel like the work/home-life balance is more than a little compromised, and all seems to roll into one. Loads of new fathers describe it as feeling as though the workload has doubled overnight.
‘I come in knackered from a day at work and am expected to take over with the baby straight away.’
Nico – dad to Irene, aged four months
Competitive tiredness is a new parent’s trump card. Those first few weeks and months in particular are a constant tug of war of who deserves to be the most knackered. Sure, mum may have been at home all day caring for a temperamental energy thief, but for a working dad, the financial responsibility suddenly felt at needing to provide for his new family, dealing with the same old work demands but on broken sleep, feelings of guilt at not being at home to help with the baby, coping with a frazzled partner, and then busting a gut to get back for bath time, can make even the strongest of chaps falter. Despite what the mum mags and forums might say – in jest, or not – both new and old-hand dads, on the whole, do not have it easy, and the anxiety, pressure and fear of f**king up is all too real.
‘I used to park up in the lay-by by my house before I went home every night after work just to have a nap, to then walk through the door an hour later to a wife’s face full of rage and expectancy, and then get handed a baby.’
Pete – dad of Charlie and Casper
Add to this pressure cooker of stress an exhausted hormonal partner, perhaps a chaotic house, perhaps other tired children, and more often than not an empty fridge – right at the time you all need it magically stocked full of your favourite comfort food – it’s a breeding ground for grouchy bad-temperedness. When I asked my hubby for his comments for this chapter, he reminisced with an almost painful look in his eye at ‘the hunger’ and need of a ‘decent meal’ – he wasn’t expecting me to knock one up for him, he is actually the cook in our house, but he was too knackered to even bother. For the first few months we lived on microwave meals, crisps and toast.
They say that in the lead-up to having a baby you should stock up your freezer with meals so that you’re all set once you’ve battened down the hatches in those early weeks – I really wished we’d listened to that stellar advice. Well, we sort of did, but given I was two weeks overdue, we’d already eaten most of our over-eager trolley-dash supplies by the time our boy arrived, so we ended up going home from the hospital to an off pint of milk and half a packet of pasta shells.
An army marches on its stomach, and never has that saying been truer for parents of newborns. Never underestimate how much good a decent meal can do – being ‘hangry’ is not fun for anyone. While mums and dads understandably prioritise the baby, we have to be careful not to let our own health go down the drain, and if we have other children then they still need to eat nutritious meals, at normal times. Grabbing a slice of toast in between feeds, or gorging on Jaffa Cakes, after a while only adds to the general feeling of crapness, and you just end up feeling so tired and hungry that it only serves to fuel arguments. The other half and I had some absolute whoppers in the first few weeks, and he admits that forgetting to eat properly, and therefore having sod all patience, motivation or energy to do anything properly, was largely to blame.
We eventually asked my parents to watch the baby at mealtimes sometimes, just so we could ensure we ate proper food every few days – I cannot tell you how much good that seemingly small act did for our sanity and marriage! Of course for the vast majority of people this simply isn’t an option, however, do read up on (there are a gazillion web pages devoted to the topic) cunning ways to very quickly and easily rustle up decent grub while dangling a howling newborn, listening to your three-year-old’s account of their day painting sticks and gluing recycling together to make a ‘train’, and hanging out the washing. Doing an online supermarket shop at 2am is also a great use of your time – just avoid the chocolate biscuit section and try not to accidentally order 20 packets of bacon rather than two.
Breaking Point
TALK TO your boss and colleagues if you’re feeling the heat from being back at work and struggling on no sleep. You might be able to have a power nap in your lunch break or have responsibility eased off you for a bit. They most likely have been there – or will be some day too!
MAKE SURE you eat! It can be the most obvious of things we forget to do, but eating and drinking good nutritious food and beverages is important to help support your physical, emotional and mental well-being – and not just breastfeeding mums. Lay off too much anxiety-inducing coffee and sugar-laden treats, and instead stock up on hearty soups, salads and wholegrain low-GI carbs that slowly release their energy and help you avoid blood-sugar level spikes.
IF THE BABY’s crying, your other half is moaning and it’s all getting too much… instead of blowing your top, walk calmly away/outside/to the bottom of the garden/another room, count to ten slowly and rejoin when the anger and frustration has reduced.
Running the mummy gauntlet
One of the best quotes I was given, by a dad of three about him and his wife was: ‘we wistfully dreamed of family outings, enjoying quality time and making memories together.’ This was said while on their summer holiday, with dripping sarcasm and an almost vacant look in the eye as he grappled with two of his three children having a scrap over his smartphone. The other one sat sulkily in the corner shouting repeatedly ‘I want to go home’, while the wife gratefully guzzled wine at the opposite end of the restaurant, leaving him to it. Interestingly, this exasperation was echoed by quite a few chaps who couldn’t wait to offload their gripes and groans for this book.
It’s a rare dad who is spared the wrath of their new-baby mother, and in the words of many, ‘what the hell has she turned into?!’ I know for sure that my husband thought his normally happy-go-lucky (if a little hyper) wife had turned into a mercurial nightmare… angry one minute, terrifying the next… with a few emotional outbursts thrown in. It was tough for him, but selfishly at the time, I just couldn’t fathom any hardship he might have been feeling, I was too consumed in my own emotional rollercoaster – and this is a dangerous path to take. A couple needs to work as a team, particularly when there’s a baby in the mix. No one ‘gets off lightly’.
‘The fun moments definitely outweigh the dark moments, I think it’s nature’s clever way of making you forget the crap bits.’
Sam – dad to Joseph, aged two years
New dads are expected to be mind readers… What would she like/need/want? The answer is always sleep. Lots of uninterrupted sleep. But let’s be fair, that’s all dads want and need too. But other than this fabled promised land of peace and tranquility where no one is nagging at you, there are also worries of how to soothe the baby, how to deal with the dreaded colic, what to do if little one has a temperature, how the hell does one of those ruddy baby thermometers even work (!), can we use Calpol yet, does my wife need a cuddle, will she yell at me if I go near her…? The questions and concerns are endless, and the overall pressure of just keeping your new baby alive, and your relationship out of a divorce court, is one hell of a task – and pressure.
It’s tricky to get definitive statistics on break-ups and divorce following the birth of a baby, but parenting go-to-resource, Babble, suggests that one in six couples divorce within five years of the birth of a first child. Two-thirds of couples say the quality of their relationship declined in the first three years of having children. The Marriage Foundation, which analysed figures from the National Office of Statistics, says that almost half of all 16-year-olds will have experienced a family split at some time from birth onwards. Whatever the facts and figures, these stats aren’t meant to depress. Use them as a positive heads-up to guard against any parenting angst and agro, and instead develop ways to keep your relationship healthy and intact. It can feel a bit cheesy to have date nights and talk about your feelings, but trust me, the benefits are invaluable. Get these practices nailed now, and you’ll be more likely to be sorted.
‘I find I have longer showers as it’s the only time I get for some peace and quiet – or when I’m on the toilet having a poo.’
Steve – dad to Stanley, aged six months
Activity alert 
Getting to know you
Even the healthiest of relationships can be strained by the addition of a new baby. Couples can be tested, new or extra responsibilities and demands can cause even the most solid of parents to buckle under the pressure and result in some of the most almighty arguments.
In general, when it is ‘just’ new baby stress, the situation tends to improve dramatically when the couple is able to get more sleep and spend time together without biting each other’s head off.
Signs to be aware of that might flag something more troubling in your relationship can include a dramatic and lasting shift in behaviour, such as constant arguing, and avoiding spending time together, perhaps preferring to stay late at work, or in the pub.
Try this simple activity to reconnect with your partner and remember what you like and love about each other.
• Find a moment when it’s calm and quiet when you can give each other undivided attention for a few minutes.
Write down five things you like about your partner, and have them do the same.
• Taking it in turns, read out your ‘like lists’ to each other, appreciating what each other has said.
If there is any conflict or niggles, add to the list ‘one thing I would like you to change’ and in turn reflect and discuss in a positive and unchallenging way how this might be actioned. If there is a worry this might get in any way heated or turn into a row, then it’s a good idea to ask someone (friend, family member, or even a counsellor) to sit in the room with you to act as a non-judgemental mediator. Compromising and allowing the other to talk is key here. If it gets narky in any way, agree to walk away for a few moments to gather yourselves and breathe, before returning and resuming the chat in a calm fashion.
Keep checking in each week to see how the list/s might change and evolve, adding or taking away anything that would benefit your relationship and ‘same page’ thinking.
If you find this tricky in any way, consider writing each other a letter in which you can offload your feelings and wishes in an unchallenged and uninterrupted way. Writing things down can be hugely cathartic, and is a helpful way to communicate without arguing.
Piggy in the middle
There’s arguably more and more support out there nowadays for new mums – drop-in centres, coffee mornings, support groups and, in my case, my trusted WhatsApp group of fellow new mums, always on call to soothe any moment of panic I might be experiencing. Dads, on the whole, feel that there is much less available to them and that they are just expected to suck it up.
Many also report the classic feeling of being redundant or a spare part during the first few weeks and months following their baby’s birth. The new mum’s mother (ie granny – the mother-in-law – duh duh duh!!) seems to be a big talking point and a bone of contention among new-parent couples, with over-enthusiastic grandmas – or indeed those who are not being helpful enough – a bit of a battle ground as support roles are defined.
My husband felt some level of being pushed out from the labour into the first few weeks as I needed my mum around me so much. He felt I preferred her to him, and to be honest, he was probably right. It was almost as if I’d regressed back to being a child myself as I just wanted my own mum to help soothe me and tell me it was all going to be alright.
It wasn’t that my husband was crap or uncaring, he was great, but I guess that primal instinct just took over for both her and me, as she helped me through the biggest life change I’d ever had to experience. And as a mother of three kids herself, she was far better placed to help me adjust than anyone else. My mother-in-law was also extremely helpful (a mother of three, too), and in those early, anxiety-wracked weeks, she would also offer me invaluable and non-judgemental advice and support to help me get the hang of how the hell to be a mum.
Talking and communicating about how you feel is key. If you’re feeling in any way left out or sidelined, do confide in those who matter – it can really help to redress the balance of where you fit in.
‘I can’t do what I want any more, it’s not just about me.’
Mo – dad to Taylor, aged five months
‘Who do you please? Mum or wife? Until the new blue-eyed boy arrived it was all about “me”, now I find myself trying to please my wife by supporting her need for space, and fending off my over-enthusiastic mum who just wants to be around all the time!’
Col – dad to Amy
Some men shared their experiences of how it feels being the only dad in their group of friends, or perhaps the first one at work to become a parent. So many of them told me that ‘non-baby friends just don’t get it’, and speak of feeling lonely when mates are cracking on with their happy-go-lucky lives. As one dad reported: ‘people just don’t get that you can’t just drop everything and come to the pub as you’re at home with the baby and in an unbreakable routine’. Others talk of feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) if you’re the first among peers to have kids.
Remember chaps, everyone experiences similar feelings, mums too – you are totally not alone and it’s super important to keep up with your mates as best you’re able, even via text or the odd social media banter, just to give yourself some much-needed bloke company away from nappies and hormones.
For every mum of a newborn, there is also a dad, so take comfort in the fact that most guys are going through the motions too, enduring the sleep challenges and life change, so next time you see a fellow dad in the supermarket check-out queue, or wrestling a tantruming toddler into a buggy, give him a knowing smile safe in the knowledge that he and you are not alone in the slightest. Also take a moment to remind yourself what an incredible thing you have entered into – you have created a human being, and chances are, if they haven’t already, most of your mates will follow suit eventually, and then you can be the smug Know It All, ha ha. Be proud of your dad role, you’re smashing it.
‘I’m loving having a daughter, it’s challenging but I wouldn’t change it for the world.’
Buddy – dad to Scarlett, aged four months
I’m a New Dad Get Me Outta Here! – PND in dads
OK, so I’ve talked about post-natal depression, anxiety and birth trauma for new mums in previous chapters, so here we’ll shed a little bit of light on how these same conditions can also be experienced by dads. Post-natal mental health issues in fathers is a big deal. Time to put stigma and embarrassment in a box, lock it and throw away the key.
‘My wife successfully delivered our little girl a few weeks ago. She is happy, healthy and I absolutely love her, but I can’t seem to shake my anxiety over being a new father. I feel guilty about feeling so anxious because I love my little girl, my wife, and the fact that we are raising a child together.’
Chris – dad to Emily, aged three weeks
Just as with new mums, according to the NCT, up to 1 in 10 new dads experience post-natal depression and anxiety and that figure is higher for parents of multiples or children with a disability. If it’s going to happen, it’s likely to creep up during the first year after having a baby (but it can sometimes hit later too, and is not by any means restricted to first-time parents), and it can happen gradually or all of a sudden, and can range from relatively mild to serious.
Research from the NCT found that more than one in three new fathers (38 per cent) are concerned about their mental health, and in general, fathers appear to be more likely to suffer from depression three to six months after their baby is born.
There are lots of things you can do to recognise the symptoms and indeed help ease them.
Causes of post-natal depression and anxiety (sometimes called paternal depression and anxiety) in fathers include:
• A stressful, unsettling or emotionally traumatic life event (so having a baby can be all of these!);
• Financial responsibility;
• Changes in relationship and lifestyle;
• Lack of sleep;
• Increased workload – both at home and work;
• Concerns about partner and/or baby.
A strained relationship with your partner during the pregnancy can also have an effect after the baby is born, and a partner who has had, or is experiencing, depression and anxiety, can also have an impact.
Younger dads are particularly susceptible to low mood and higher rates of anxiety and depression, as well as fathers on a low income. Other things to consider are past mental health issues, social factors such as culture and religion, and family history.
Symptoms of post-natal depression and anxiety to be aware of include:
• Feeling very low, or despondent, that life is a long, grey tunnel, and that there is no hope.
• Feeling tired and very lethargic, or even quite numb.
• Not wanting to do anything or take an interest in the outside world.
• Feeling a sense of inadequacy or unable to cope.
• Feeling guilty about not coping, or about not loving the baby enough.
• Being unusually irritable, which makes the guilt worse.
• Wanting to cry/crying a lot or even constantly.
• Having obsessive and irrational thoughts that can be very scary.
• Loss of appetite, which may go with feeling hungry all the time, but being unable to eat.
• Comfort eating.
• Having difficulty sleeping: either not getting to sleep, waking early, or having vivid nightmares.
• Being hostile or indifferent to your partner and/or baby.
• Having panic attacks, which strike at any time, causing a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and feelings of sickness or faintness.
• Having an overpowering anxiety, often about things that wouldn’t normally bother you, such as being alone in the house.
• Having difficulty in concentrating or making decisions.
• Experiencing physical symptoms, such as headaches.
• Having obsessive fears about your baby’s health or well-being, or about yourself and other members of the family.
• Having disturbing thoughts about harming yourself or your baby.
• Having thoughts about death.
If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, please do not panic, the main thing is that you talk about it. Keeping it all inside won’t help, whereas talking to your partner, GP, or looking into a support group via Facebook, NCT, PANDAS (Pre and Post-Natal Depression Advice and Support) etc will bring you together with like-minded fellow dads and families, and crucially get to the bottom of what’s up and discover the root causes. Counselling, other types of talking therapy, and medication can also be a huge help if needed – your GP can discuss these options with you.
Things you can do include:
• Talking to someone you trust – doctor, mates, family member, partner… A problem shared is a problem halved.
• Take some ‘me time’ – enjoying some time just for you can work wonders, even an hour here and there. A walk, a run, reading a magazine, playing on a console, having a pint with a mate… whatever floats your boat, just get some time out.
• Seek a dad support group – contact your GP surgery, PANDAS, NCT or even social media to find out more.
• Spend some quality time with your baby. Give them a bath, play on the bed together, have a cuddle, read a story – taking time to connect and enjoy your child can really help alleviate any guilt and anxiety.
• Take some exercise each day. Whether it’s the gym, a swim, a walk with the buggy – just get outdoors and get those endorphins going, it’s a natural mood booster.
• Avoid negative coping strategies such as excessive drinking (so don’t overdo it in the pub with your mates), staying away from home, working too much etc, as it will just make things worse.
It’s not manly to ignore major stress, depression and anxiety – it’s actually more masculine to realise the problem and face it head on. It’s easy to be light-hearted and funny about some serious stuff regarding the stress and anxiety of fatherhood, but it’s not a game or a joke. Be brave and get a handle on your feelings, otherwise you run the risk of it leading to some real issues with your relationship and parenting. You’ve got this, you’re doing a great job.
‘When I’ve felt quite depressed about it all, I get outside, it helps get me into a more positive mindset.’
Henry – single dad to Molly, aged 18 months
Let’s talk about sex… baby
Finally for this chapter, we delve into the activity that is responsible for all our parenting anxiety in the first place… Sex.
Ahh remember the days before children? Cheeky date nights, stumbling through the front door slightly squiffy, clumsily taking each other’s clothes off as you fell into bed for a bit of nookie… Fast forward to post-baby, sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, awkwardly looking at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move.
There is no denying it, the first time you have sex after having a baby is a tense affair for all involved. Women might understandably be anxious about letting anything other than a witch hazel-soaked soothing sanitary pad anywhere near her nethers, but for the guy, it’s also an incredibly nerve-wracking time. Questions such as ‘will it hurt her?’, ‘will her bits look and feel the same?’, ‘what if I can’t get it up?’ are all real concerns shared with me by real fathers.
My husband I know was really worried about doing it after we’d had Enzo. In his eyes, I had sustained some rather barbaric warfare down there and we’ve all probably heard the amusing ‘joke’ of likening a post-birth vagina to watching a bloke’s ‘favourite boozer burn down’. Yes, we Brits can all laugh and joke, and in fact to a certain extent we all should as laughter and humour is the best antidote to anxiety and awkwardness, but let’s not beat around the bush (bad pun, ha ha): the first time you have sex after having a baby is shit – for both of you.
However, sex is important in a healthy relationship, so as anxiety-inducing as it might be for you both, it’s key that you talk to each other, find out how the other is feeling about such a prospect (physically and emotionally), and when might be a good time to give it a go. My husband was rather put off by what I might look like – after all, episiotomy stiches aren’t the biggest turn-on, I admit. I wasn’t exactly swinging from the chandeliers at the prospect either, however, as is often the case, the anticipation was worse than the actual event. I’m not going to lie – it wasn’t the most pleasurable of experiences. It was slightly painful, and all I could think of was ‘a few months ago I had a baby come out of this!’ … but once we’d ‘got it out the way’ so to speak, we definitely felt more at ease with each other, and it signalled the start of getting back to some sort of normality – which is always nice.
And remember, it’s not all about sex. Start by some good old-fashioned courting and physical contact – a good cuddle is just the best, often better actually – and keep talking to each other. I wasn’t offended by my husband’s initial genuine worry about how ‘doing it’ again might play out, he was being honest, and was scared about how to go about it after me having had an episiotomy – he didn’t know how delicate I might be ‘down there’. It can be a big deal for a lot of couples and something that has to be dealt with VERY sensitively by talking, sharing and taking the time to explore each other again.
Focusing on what you DO find attractive is important. I also worried about not being as fanciable anymore… my baby tummy and slack pelvic floor weren’t exactly the stuff of dreams, however my larger post-pregnancy boobs were a definite thumbs up (once the initial milky leaky mess had settled down). Fortunately, over time, both our fears were, and have been, unfounded, and the result has been an open and humorous approach to our (fairly healthy) physical relationship, which I’m reassured by him hasn’t changed in the slightest – in fact being the mother of his child somehow makes me more attractive to him.
Activity alert
Let’s get it on
Right, time to remind yourselves that you’re not just mummy and daddy. Give these ideas a go in order to ensure you give each other time and attention, and most importantly, enjoy each other!
• Date night! It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do – you could even watch a movie at home together – just schedule time together for JUST you two.
• Dress up. Get out of your trackies and baggy own-brand pants – getting spruced up will make you feel so much better, more positive and most definitely more attractive and desirable – this goes for both of you!
• Book a babysitter. Ask parents, relatives, friends to come and sit for a few hours while you get out of the house and enjoy a meal, walk, cinema etc.
• Ban all talk of babies and any other children. Reconnect with the pre-baby you and choose topics that are of mutual interest – holiday ideas, future plans, topical news… anything bar the children! You need a mental rest too.
• Restrict phone usage. Wherever your couple time is spent, try to keep your phones away. Sure, you might need to keep one eye on it in case the babysitter rings, but don’t be too beholden to it and allow yourselves time to focus on just each other. The same applies at home – once the evening comes, turn your phone off and instead of scrolling social media, spend time talking to each other.
• Take a walk. Fresh air and a stroll is cheap, easy and can be done any time, anywhere… even if you have to take the baby it can be good-quality couple time and restore feelings of connectivity and togetherness.
• Have a cuddle. Physical contact in any way is really healthy. Instead of feeling like you have to jump into the sack straight away, take any pressure and anxiety off and enjoy some skin-to-skin cuddling and kissing, or even some cheeky foreplay if you have the energy.
• Talk through any fears or anxieties that you might be harbouring within your personal relationship. Keep it positive and exploratory, rather than negative and naggy – once any stresses have been released through sharing, you’ll find the physical stuff will become much easier and more enjoyable.
Dr Reetta says…
The challenges of fatherhood There has been a huge increase in research and interest in fatherhood in the last decade or so. This has followed a shift in Western culture as men have gone from working away from the home and being more detached from family life to being much more involved – while often still working. As a consequence, men can face similar challenges to women in terms of balancing family life and work. It’s not as clear cut as just thinking along gender lines when looking into the experiences of fathers vs mothers – it’s also very much about their individual differences and experiences. These days, fathers are expected to be involved and hands-on, but may feel unprepared, just as mothers do, too. This can be tough if your father wasn’t involved so you don’t have him as a modern parenting role model, or if you don’t have any male role models in your wider social circles.
In this chapter, Anna has covered post-natal mental health issues in fathers – who can also experience post-natal distress and parenting anxiety. As Anna says, with the changes in responsibilities and expectations, sleep deprivation, changing family dynamics, perhaps lack of control over some aspects of the ‘journey’, some level of distress is to be expected as you adjust into fatherhood. Fatherhood changes you! Perhaps you have noticed shifts in your values and priorities, and you may have noticed this happening to your partner’s priorities too, which may cause tensions. Most parents will struggle adapting to some of the challenges that parenthood presents you with – and that is OK.
In my clinic, conversations about balancing family life and work are central in my work with the men who come to access psychological support. Although when they get in touch the family-work struggle isn’t always how the ‘presenting problem’ is framed, we often discover that it is the key theme, rather than just, let’s say, ‘work stress’.
It sounds like Anna’s husband has adapted to fatherhood well and is very much involved with caring for their baby. As a couple they have communicated about the challenges that have come up, been open about their feelings, and supported each other practically and emotionally. Of course it’s not been perfect (it never is!), and we have read about their challenges and disagreements, but they have got through the first year, which is often the toughest time for many new parents. I am guessing Enzo would have developed a healthy bond with both parents, which is one of the most important tasks in the first year and will help him in life as he develops and navigates relationships. He is also learning that a father can be involved with all aspects of a child’s life – something that will stay with him if he one day becomes a father himself.
Top tips for new fathers
1. The take-home message is: you are important. Being involved and present is key to your baby’s well-being. Nurturing-style fathering (spending quality time with your child and focusing on building a loving, caring relationship) is known to positively influence how well children do in various aspects of their life. Naturally this will come with its challenges, especially if you’re balancing work and family needs, including the pressure to provide for your family financially and emotionally. If time is limited, is there one enjoyable activity each week that can become ‘your thing’ with your baby?
2. Work-life balance for working fathers is equally important as it is for working mothers, but often this is not acknowledged in workplaces, leaving some men feeling their responsibilities as fathers are invisible. Is your fatherhood visible at your workplace? Have you found out about the work-family policies there?
3. The impact of having a baby can affect men in a similar way to how it affects women. Based on this, a lot of the Top Tips in this book are relevant to both mothers and fathers. On the other hand, a father’s experience can be different to that of the mother. Men are also known to not seek help as readily as women. If you are feeling depressed, anxious or stressed, consider talking to your GP. In addition, sharing your experiences with your partner, if you have one, or a friend who listens, can be helpful. Do also talk to other fathers about your experiences – it is very likely they will have gone through something similar.
‘I couldn’t think how I could be relaxed enough for it not to be painful – and indeed it did take a good few months to be able to relax. We have made sure over the last few months to have some date nights. It cannot be underestimated how much this couple time is needed.’
Chloe and Daniel – parents to Willow, aged 12 months