‘The future depends on what
we do in the present.’
Mahatma Gandhi
Baby steps…
HELP OTHERS help you. People aren’t mind readers so the best thing you can do in keeping as well as possible is to share with people you trust, and tell them how they can help support you best.
KNOW WHAT works for you. It’s totally OK to not be perfect – nobody is. If you don’t want to do certain things, or you feel safer sticking to what you know, as long as you feel comfortable and in control that’s all that matters. Knowing your limits and boundaries is empowering, not a failure.
TAKE EACH DAY as it comes and remind yourself that it’s OK to have off days, even totally crap ones – they help us appreciate the good ones even more.
PLAN AHEAD positively. If you’re thinking of doing it again and adding to your brood, make sure you let go of any negative feelings from the past and plan ahead in a well-researched, fully supported way.
Peeking through the fog
I think we’ve established throughout this book that there is one overarching theme, and let’s not beat around the bush: being a parent is bloody hard work. Utterly exhausting, repetitive and mind-numbingly boring at times, of course it has its beautiful moments but I’d be lying to you if I didn’t tell you there have been times, and frequently still are, when I’ve felt such overwhelming anger at my new life, my child, my husband, and despair at not knowing what the hell to do about it, that I’ve genuinely found myself with my head in the sofa cushion having an exasperated scream.
I know I’m not alone in this. One friend I spoke to said she would often walk the local streets with her pushchair, sleep deprived with her sunglasses on, not because it was sunny, but because they shielded the tears rolling down her cheeks. Another mum said she often sought solace in the shower as the noise of the water would drown out her baby’s incessant crying – which, as we know, drives all of us more than a little bit crazy at times.
From writing this book, speaking to new mums and dads, and going through it myself, I’ve realised that pretty much ALL of us feel this way at some time or another. I don’t know anyone who has escaped unscathed from the trials and tribulations of parenting. Even the competitive mums, when really pressed, admit to sobbing into their coffee, and that actually for all of their social media-ing with glossy filters and perfect-looking days out, being a mum is not a walk in the park, and I totally respect their honesty – their ‘perfect parent’ portrayal is more often than not a coping mechanism. I completely get that… after all, if we ‘say’ we’re having the time of our life, maybe we’ll start believing it. I know I’ve been guilty of the ‘ooh look at me’ posts when underlying them is a fog of post-natal depression that I’ve simply being trying to fight back at.
All parents reach their wits’ end, there’s no denying it. And similarly, every parent busks their way through it trying to find their own way.
‘My children are chaotic and hilarious. Like me they are dramatic and emotional and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Fair to say I underestimated how much joy and love kids can bring you but also how easily they can bring you to your knees!’
Helen Skelton – mum of two boys and TV presenter
I’ve found that the key to dealing with and getting through each week is to have things to look forward to, little pockets of light to break up each day that will lighten your mood. It can be something as simple as planning a coffee date with a friend once a week, reading a new magazine during nap time, heck, even going out to buy the magazine can be a trip and accomplishment in itself, or catching up with your favourite TV programme. Exercise is also hugely important and beneficial to your mental and physical well-being. Walks are great, and if you can muster the energy to join a buggy fit or yoga class, then you really will feel the benefits of the feel-good endorphins lifting your mood. Try to book it into your weekly plan as something nice to focus on.
One friend speaks with sheer unbridled excitement about her weekly ‘reward’ when her mum comes over on a Sunday morning to watch the kids while she enjoys a hot bubble bath and uninterrupted two-hour nap. It is this simple, yet highly coveted prize that gets her through the week. No matter what mummy-hood throws at her, she knows that every seven days she’ll get some time to herself and she values it greatly. It doesn’t need to be a massive activity or outing, it can be anything, just something to break up the monotony, a chance to be ‘you’, and help to get you through the week: check out the ‘Breaking up the Boredom’ activity in chapter 6 to give you some ideas.
Activity alert 
Let’s get physical
Exercise is highly effective in helping to boost our mental health, reducing anxiety and improving our mood. It’s also proven to reduce any post-natal depression symptoms. You might not feel like getting out and about and working up a sweat yet, but perhaps have a think about something you might muster up the energy to do – if it’s helpful to your mental health, it’s gotta be worth a try hasn’t it? Always check with your GP that you are fit and well to take up exercise after your birth – it’s usually recommended to resume only after the six-week check-up, but do make sure you’ve been given the all-clear medically.
Here are a few ideas to get you going:
Join a class to which you can take your baby along – mum and baby exercise classes such as buggy fit, baby yoga and Pilates, swimming, aquafitness, mum and baby bootcamp, baby dance etc are all sociable, baby friendly and tailored to suit the capabilities of a mum who has recently given birth.
Ask your health visitor to recommend classes that are happening locally. If they don’t know, then check out baby drop-in/weigh-in clinic notice boards for advertisements/flyers of classes, and your local Children’s Centre will have suggestions. You can also ask fellow parents for recommendations.
A brisk walk outside pushing the buggy is also extremely good exercise and gets you out of the house, too. It’s also a lovely time to engage, smile, and natter away to your little one which helps with baby bonding.
If you can make use of a crèche or babysitter, once you have been given the medical all-clear, have a think about taking part in a gentle aerobic-based exercise class or go swimming – all are great for getting the feel-good endorphins going, but don’t stress your ligaments too much or push your body too fast, too soon. Do tell the instructor you’ve had a baby before the class so they are aware, and can tailor any exercises.
If you are breastfeeding, you’ll probably need to wear a really sturdy, supportive sports bra and should try to time your workout so it occurs straight after a feed, before your breasts fill up with milk and become painful when they bounce about.
If you prefer something less energetic and sweaty, why not try yoga, Pilates or mindfulness classes, or just go for a leisurely stroll.
If you can’t get out, you could try a home workout using a DVD or an online or app-based exercise programme. Ensure you’ve been given the all-clear by a medical practitioner and start slowly with a gentle and appropriate home workout (there are loads of post-natal workouts online so have a look into what feels right for you). It’s really important you don’t push yourself too hard to start with and take into account the fact that your joints will be more prone to damage post-birth due to the ligaments still being looser than usual (this happens to enable the pelvis to open up during childbirth and takes a little while to go back to normal).
You’ve got this – coping YOUR way
Whatever your birth and parenting journey, it’s important to find what works for you and not measure yourself against others… believe me, it rarely serves you well and in mine and so many other parents’ experiences, only leaves you feeling bad about yourself.
‘You want to be the best you can be for your baby... and here’s the thing, you will be. You are all they know. You learn how to parent together. If you make a mistake, they let you know pretty quickly and you also develop your own mother-baby shorthand, which may be very different to your friends’. ’
Jenni Falconer – TV presenter and mum to Ella
A lot of mums have told me they feel inadequate and threatened in certain situations with other parents. Have you ever tried to have a shower and put make-up on for a mum and baby class? Let me tell you, I have, but honestly I rarely succeed – the best you get from me these days is a courtesy spray of deodorant and my hair brushed – personally I don’t give a toss what other parents might think (well, probably I do a bit but I’m too busy juggling the baby/bag/pushchair/being on time to properly care). Lots of us do feel pressured at some point to ‘look the part’, though. To quote one:
‘I wish every mum would just turn up looking like they’ve been pulled through a hedge backwards, with puke on their shoulder and three-day-old mascara smudged under their eye bags. Just every now and again. Just so I don’t feel like the only frazzled mess.’
Zara – mum of twins Ace and Annabel, aged 15 months
It’s not just about appearances: we’re all trying to work out what type of parent we are, too. Some of us model ourselves on our own parents’ methods and values, and others, depending on their upbringing, do the complete opposite. You may have had a happy childhood during which your parents showered you with love and disciplined you kindly and fairly, you may have had parents who were distracted or disinterested in your childhood, found it hard to be a parent, and who perhaps didn’t make the right choices for you… Whatever our childhood journey, it impacts the way we parent. We compare and contrast our own experiences and it serves to influence and mould what’s important to us in parenting our own kids.
A mum told me how her mother was highly critical towards her from an early age and even though she knows she was loved, it just served to knock her confidence. Now, as a parent, she ensures she praises and encourages her children frequently to avoid creating the same issues she developed. Another dad speaks fondly of how his parents were sticklers for minding your Ps and Qs and were big fans of eating around the dinner table all together – something he now ensures he also does with his own kids as he recognises how beneficial it was for him as a kid growing up.
‘At times I get extremely worried and nervous for them as this is a crazy world we live in. They completely depend on me and my husband so I put pressure on myself to be the best mum I can possibly be... But worrying too much gets you nowhere.’
Una Healy – popstar and mum of two
Essentially we take the good and not-so-good bits from our own childhood, nick a few ideas from other role models we have in our lives (such as grandparents or friend’s parents) to form our own way of being what we hope is a good parent. Asking your own folks about how it was for them all those years ago can also be hugely helpful and a bit of an eye-opener in understanding that parenting is something we ALL go into blindly. Becoming a grown-up is weird isn’t it? I’m not sure when it happens, but there comes a point when you stop being a kid and realise that your parents are actually just normal mistake-making human beings (and not Superpeople). Growing up it may have seemed as though your mum or dad knew exactly what they were doing, had the whole ‘being a parent’ thing nailed, but why not have a chat with them? Chances are they’ll admit to busking the whole parenting malarkey just like you – and that was without the helpful crutch of Google, social media and WhatsApp to help us overcome our fears and fumbles – heck it was even before mobile phones!
Being a parent is completely unique to you. Save yourself a whole heap of unnecessary anxiety and low self-esteem by having the confidence to accept that you’re doing parenting ‘your’ way. And that means working out what you need in order to cope – hopefully in a happy and positive way.
‘Being a parent is challenging. I struggle to find the right answers or how to solve a problem without a raised voice or a threat I don’t follow through. But the thing is, we can’t beat ourselves up about it. You’ve just gotta pat yourself on the back and be thankful that you haven’t throttled your husband yet, ha ha.’
Michelle Heaton – TV personality, popstar and mum of two
The big question…
If you haven’t yet, it’s a question you’re going to be asked sooner or later… and one that might be tricky to answer, particularly if you’ve had a less-than-ideal first birth experience. That question is of course, ‘Would you have another one?’ A lot of first-time mums I interviewed for this book were left with negative feelings towards their first births – yes, a few had lovely experiences, but the majority were left feeling a bit blank about the whole experience and often couldn’t remember parts of it. The prospect of having another baby can be all too terrifying to contemplate, particularly if you’ve been left with any negative feelings that need resolving before you even think about doing it again. The same is of course true for parents of more than one child who are thinking about having a third, fourth, fifth, sixth…
Birth reflections
Birth reflections can be so important for a good recovery from birth trauma. This NHS service may be called something slightly different in different areas, such as birth afterthoughts, debriefs or birth stories, but you should be able to arrange one wherever you live in the UK either through your health visitor, GP or by directly contacting the Supervisor of Midwives at the place where you gave birth. You can also contact The Birth Trauma Association, who can help with finding the right location and professional for you. They also offer a closed Facebook group, which can be hugely helpful in being able to share your story on a safe monitored platform, surrounded by like-minded mums who can listen and empathise: www.facebook.com/groups/TheBTA.
Birth reflections are a chance to talk over and debrief your birth experience with a midwife who has been specifically trained for the job. This is something I hugely benefitted from after my less-than-perfect birth, as six months on I still couldn’t let go of some of the negativity I felt towards it, and I’d ‘lost’ patches of time during my stay in hospital in the immediate aftermath. Other mums have told me how helpful it was to put to rest any bad feelings or get answers to questions they had, and the majority say it made them more proud of their birth story and meant they more fully understood the decisions made at the time. It is recommended that you book a birth reflection within the first year after giving birth, purely for ease of locating hospital notes, but it’s not essential as they will always be kept in an archive.
‘My health visitor suggested I might benefit from a birth reflection to help ease the feelings of anxiety and disappointment I held about my labour. I want another baby but felt scared about doing it again in case things went wrong. The session was really helpful. I now feel much more positive about doing it a second time.’
Brooke – mum of Gemma, aged 11 months
How to… book a birth reflection
CONTACT YOUR local health visitor service, GP or the hospital you gave birth at, and ask to be put in touch with the maternity department. Once through, ask to speak to whoever deals with birth reflections, sometimes called birth debriefs or afterthoughts.
YOU WILL BE offered an appointment and this will be given by a specially trained midwife, specifically tasked with taking women through their births and answering any questions they might have in order to help you process what happened.
THE APPOINTMENT takes place in a private office, usually in the maternity department, and is a little like a counselling session in that you will often be given an hour to talk through everything. Partners are welcome to attend, too. You might feel you’d like some support, or they might also benefit from the debrief.
THE HOSPITAL will have sourced all your medical birth notes from the time of your labour, and the midwife will take you through each part of your experience, bit by bit, allowing you to process it in your own time.
YOU ARE INVITED to ask any questions and offload any emotions – the aim is for you to leave feeling listened to and with a better understanding of your labour, and hopefully feeling more positive about the experience. You are welcome to leave feedback, too.
Next time around
This might be WAY too soon for you depending on what stage of the baby journey you’re at, but at some point you might tussle with the idea of doing it all again. If another child is on your wish list, you might feel differently about how you would do it a second or third time around, certainly if you’ve already experienced a less-than-perfect birth.
Overall, vaginal births are generally considered by health professionals to be the safer option for mum and baby, but an increasing amount of women are opting for elective, sometimes called planned, Caesarians. The most recent figures from the National Childbirth Trust show that there has been a rise in the number of elective Caesarians to around one in eight of all births. These planned procedures are perhaps more commonly associated with women and babies who are physically at risk going through a vaginal birth, such as baby being in tricky position (eg breech), if you suffer from conditions such as placenta praevia (placenta blocking the opening of the cervix), or if you’re having multiple babies.
It’s a topic that is in the midst of some controversy, since many medical experts recommend a vaginal birth, if possible, because it is considered to be of lower risk physically to mum and baby. However, according to NICE guidelines you have the right to choose a C-section if that is your preference, and an increasing number of women who suffer with extreme anxiety, birth phobias (see chapter 2), or who have had a traumatic birth are opting to give birth this way the next time.
Speak to your GP and midwife so they can refer you to a consultant to discuss your reasons and options available. If for any reason your consultant refuses you should ask to be referred to another consultant for the procedure. You will probably find that your midwife and/or consultant will want to talk through your birth choice with you, to make sure that you fully understand the risks and benefits associated with vaginal birth and C-section. This isn’t necessarily to ‘talk you into’ having your baby one way or the other, but to ensure you are making a fully informed choice about the best way for you to give birth. They may well recommend one way – and let’s be frank, C-sections carry a significant cost factor to the NHS, not to mention the recovery time involved (it is, after all, a major operation) – but ultimately how you have your baby is your choice.
A lot of mums I spoke to who had gone through a planned Caesarian spoke positively about the experience, and found their requests were heard and respected.
Here is Alex’s story:
‘I had a terrible birth with my first baby. It was a long and slow labour and the birth ended in forceps delivery. My baby was healthy but the trauma of the birth stayed with me for a long time afterwards, I developed panic attacks and was terrified about having another baby. I got pregnant again two years later, I was happy about the pregnancy but all my fears reached fever pitch about having to go through giving birth again, I was highly anxious. After speaking to my midwife and doctor, I decided I wanted to be in control of my birth as much as I could. It was the lack of control and the unknown that made my anxiety worse. I was referred to an NHS consultant and it was agreed that I could have a planned C-section at 39 weeks. Knowing that I had a ‘date’ really helped me relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. The night before I had my second son, I had dinner with my husband and went to bed early. It was weird to think I was having a baby the next day. At 6am the next morning I was driven to hospital, we were shown to our room, and after a few hours I was told ‘it was time’ and I actually walked to the theatre… it was all so calm. I had a drip put in my arm and then was given the spinal block anaesthetic (which didn’t hurt as I had a local one put in first), then it was all systems go, screen went up, a lot of tugging and suction noises, and eight minutes later my baby boy was out! It was the most calm and relaxed atmosphere, I felt reassured and in control of all that was going on, and quite frankly, compared to the first birth, it was a picnic! Having an elective C-section was the best decision I made – for me, the baby and my mental health.’
Alex – mum of two
The NICE guidelines state that, after exploring the mother’s reasons, and offering alternative suggestions, if it is her wish, an elective, or planned, Caesarian should be offered. However, it’s worth noting that NICE guidelines, while important, are only guidance and hospitals do not need to follow them. There is also no legal obligation for a doctor to perform a procedure that they do not think is in the patient’s best interest.
If you would like to explore the option of an elective Caesarian, do speak to your GP, midwife or health professional, be prepared to weigh up all the options, but ultimately be firm about your wishes.
Doing it differently
Whether you choose to give birth naturally (vaginally), or have a Caesarian, there are things you can do to help support yourself even more before, during and after birth that you might like to look into and consider.
Doulas
A doula is a woman who gives support, help, and advice to another woman during pregnancy, and during and after the birth.
A doula can help a pregnant woman during her pregnancy, and all through labour and birth, and can be a support in the post-natal phase too. They are a trained and experienced birth/parenting-support professional, and can often recognise some of the signs if something needs addressing, such as more than ‘just’ the baby blues, mastitis (infection in the breast), infected stitches, that kind of thing, and can ensure the mother gets any extra help she needs as soon as possible.
Doulas do not take a clinical role and work alongside midwives and doctors. They do not advise, but can support a woman to find balanced information to make informed decisions about her maternity care.
Birth doulas go ‘on call’ 24/7 towards the end of your pregnancy, and will support you during labour and birth whenever you need them. Post-natal doulas provide flexible practical and emotional support for mothers and families in their own homes. Some specialise, while others work as both birth and post-natal doulas.
It can be a little on the pricey side to employ a doula (it’s a private service). Costs for a birth doula vary greatly depending on the area they work in, how experienced they are, how much time they spend with you, and what they include in the fee, but you can expect to pay £600–£2000. A post-natal doula is around £15–£30 per hour, but if you would benefit from the help, support and comfort that a doula can offer, it can be more than worth it to save up the pennies. www.doula.org.uk has loads of information if you’d like to find out more.
Hypnobirthing
Hypnobirthing is a complete birth-education programme that teaches simple but specific self-hypnosis, relaxation and breathing techniques for a better birth.
Hypnobirthing is much more than just self-hypnosis or hypnotherapy for childbirth. It’s a technique that helps you to discover that severe pain does not have to be an accompaniment to labour. You’ll learn how to release the fears and anxieties you may have about giving birth and how to overcome previous traumatic births, and you will also be taught how to put yourself back in control of your birth – rather than blindly turning your birthing experience over to your doctor or midwife.
Hypnobirthing doesn’t mean you’ll be in a trance or asleep. It’s about relaxation and you’ll be able to chat, and be in good spirits, totally relaxed, but fully in control. And you’ll always be aware of what is happening to you. There are plenty of books, podcasts and websites that contain helpful information, so if it’s something you might like to explore you can check these out and/or take a look at www.thewisehippo.com or www.hypnobirthing.co.uk.
It’s important to note that ‘on the day’ your birth situation may dictate how effective (or not) you are at being able to put hypnobirthing into practice. I managed to effectively utilise my hypnobirthing breathing and visualisation techniques and soothing MP3s during the final weeks of pregnancy to keep calm and prepare, and also in the first part of my labour at home, but due to Enzo’s complicated position and subsequent birth interventions, in the end I lost the will to live, let alone the focus to ‘breathe my baby out’. I did however always retain and put into practice the empowerment part you’re taught, ensuring we asked questions along the way and attempted to stay in control of the birth as much as we were able in the early phases.
‘I recommend hypnobirthing to everyone. The relaxing MP3s became a firm favourite of my partner’s and mine before I even gave birth, and on the day the relaxation and visualisation techniques really helped in coping with the pain and doing it my way. It was a really positive experience for me and helped me focus on the job in hand’
Chloe – mum to Serena, aged 7 months
Private and specialist midwives
If money is no object, you could look into getting your own private midwife to accompany and support you from the moment you conceive right through to the post-natal care for you and baby. A private midwife is able to build a close and trusting relationship with you and provide continuity of care. Having the same experienced and skilled person to care for you throughout has been widely reported to have better outcomes for you and baby, with a big study carried out by the global health research network, Cochrane Collaboration, citing that women who know their midwives before birth, ie during pregnancy, are less likely to have an assisted birth. The NCT reports that two thirds of women who had gotten to know their midwife before birthing, said that as a result they felt more relaxed, confident and safer.
A private midwife helps to put together an ‘ideal scenario’ birth plan that works for you (but can help to manage expectations too as we know that babies are unpredictable little pickles), and she will ensure everything is explained to you and your wishes are respected. She will also work alongside you to adapt to choices you would like to make – whether it is a home birth, or private or NHS hospital.
The cost of a private midwife varies from £150 for a single ante- or post-natal appointment, to £2000 for a birth support package, to £500 for a week of post-natal home care. www.privatemidwives.com is a good website to get an idea of what this route can offer.
You can also tap into your local NHS midwifery services. Ask your GP or midwife if you have maternal mental health midwives in your area. The Royal College of Midwives agrees that all maternity units need to have a specialist maternal mental health midwife on staff, so although one might not be available or guaranteed, it’s well worth asking as more and more are being recruited by the NHS to help women in need of specialist care during pregnancy, birth and afterwards.
If you’re mega loaded, and don’t mind someone else feeding (by bottle I mean) or settling your baby during the witching hours, then Maternity Nurses are an option. A Maternity Nurse is a trained and experienced nurse or nanny who specialises in the care of newborns. The aim is to help a mother and baby settle and get into a routine with sleep and feeding in the early weeks and months. Costing around £180-£220 for a single baby per 24 hours (for multiples it’s more), it’s not cheap, and of course you will need to provide a bed for your nurse so she can rest. If you’re not a fan of routine it might not be for you though as they do tend to practise pretty strict routines.
In addition to 24 hour maternity nurses, there are also sleep nannies/trainers (to help get your baby/toddler into a good sleep pattern), and night nannies (you hire them to literally come for the night time shift to enable you a full night’s sleep – Holy Grail!). Prices for both really do vary depending on the agency, location, how many babies you have and how long you need them for – roughly it starts around £115 and can go up to anything around the £200 per day/night mark. You will probably reach a stage at some point when you really can’t put a price on a precious night’s sleep, but do your research and crunch the numbers to ensure you don’t put any financial strain on yourself if you decide to explore any of these options.
Therapy
Talking therapy is hugely effective in that it offers support, and a confidential space in which to talk through your feelings, thoughts and worries in pregnancy. A lot of therapists are trained in pregnancy-related mental health so check out www.bacp.co.uk or www.NHS.uk to find a suitable professional, or ask your GP for a referral to an appropriate counsellor or therapist.
How to… get in the zone
Giving birth is a process that is full of uncertainties, and that can make us feel nervous, excited, worried, scared, anxious… a whole cocktail of emotions. Often it’s the lack of control over the situation that can ramp up our anxiety even more. Try these handy pointers, or pass them on to an expecting friend, to help prepare for the job in hand in hopefully a relaxing way:
INSTEAD OF thinking about the what ifs, focus your mind on what you CAN control: your preferred choices on birth (ie on a bed, in water), birthing positions, pain-relief options, and be sure that everyone knows your wishes. Your preferences are yours, but as birth is the unknown and often takes a bit of an unexpected turn, have a think about what it might be like IF things don’t go the way you ideally hope, and how you might feel about that.
CLOSE YOUR eyes and focus on your baby in your tummy, and remind yourself of the care and support you have around you and your baby, in order to ensure you both emerge healthy and well. Whatever path you end up taking, be safe in the knowledge that people are here to help you.
TAKE A nice deep breath, imagine that there is a large velvety protective cloak around you, and in any moment of ‘eek’, while you have this cloak on, nothing is going to unsettle or upset you. Block out any unhelpful noise or opinions and, nice and calmly, keep focusing on the end goal – your baby.
KEEP AN open mind. Be empowered to ask all the questions you want. Ultimately this is your birth experience – embrace it.
Message from a Midwife
Whatever you might decide to do the next time around (if there is a next time) it’s also important to remember that NHS midwives and health professionals really are, in the main, amazing, and worth their weight in gold, doing their jobs in often tricky circumstances. Having spoken to many midwives while writing this book, I think this lovely one sums up how it really isn’t ever ‘them and us’, in fact we’re all one united birthing team doing the best we can:
‘I have been privileged to meet lots of amazing families and beautiful babies. There’s nothing more rewarding for a midwife than seeing the look of pride, amazement and joy on a new mum’s face as she realises that she has just brought a new life into the world and as she first sets eyes on her beautiful baby, or the moment when a family you have supported throughout their pregnancy introduce you to their newest addition. While the pressures and strains under which the NHS operates are very real, these moments are the ones which inspire us to continue to do what we do.
I’ve attended hundreds of births; homebirths, ‘normal’ births, ones where forceps or ventouse have been used and caesarean sections, which have all been special in their own way. My aim is always to enable a woman and her family to feel empowered by their birth experience.
“Healthy mum, healthy baby” is a phrase which is often quoted. While it’s true that making sure both are physically safe is key, it is also important to consider the impact birth can have on a family’s emotional health. While I’ve been involved in lots of births where it has been a positive and empowering experience for the mum and her family, sadly this isn’t always the case. Emergencies can occur unexpectedly, or maybe things don’t quite happen as you had thought. The fear and disempowerment this can sometimes lead to is very real and it’s important to recognise this. If you’ve had a difficult experience, it’s easy to try and sweep it under the carpet, particularly with all the demands that having a new baby brings, but it’s important not to hide it.
Hospitals often offer a ‘Birth reflection’ service, where you can chat to a midwife or a doctor about your experience, discussing what happened and why certain decisions were made. This can be particularly helpful if you are planning on having another child, as they often offer appointments when you are pregnant to put plans in place, to try to help you feel more supported throughout your next pregnancy and birth.
No matter what your experience though, it is important to be kind to yourself. Emotional and mental health is just as important as physical health.’
Joanna Brown – Midwife at Guys and St Thomas’ Hospital London
The road ahead
I think we’re all agreed that nothing really can prepare you for the monumental life change of becoming a mum or dad. It doesn’t matter how many books you read, programmes you watch or podcasts you listen to, going from zero to one (or more) has to be the biggest life wallop ever, as your world is turned upside down and inside out in one fell swoop. Going from your first child to more is still pretty pant-wettingly scary but at least you know a little bit of a) what to expect and b) what to do to keep a small human alive, and you can hopefully take some comfort in the fact that you’ll never have to make that transition from non-parent to parent ever again. Whatever your offspring throw at you (literally, when you get to the terrible twos) you never have to endure that mind-boggling phase of redefining yourself as A PARENT. Whether you have one, or eight… it’s all pretty terrifying, overwhelming and downright weird at times, but I hope at some point you’re also able to enjoy, appreciate and love the incredible human beings that you brilliantly, and unselfishly, care for, and the amazing parent you are – you wouldn’t have picked this book up if you didn’t care.
‘It’s great being a mum of twin girls because they’re best friends, make each other laugh, and look after one another, which makes us happy and them. Jim and I are so proud of Lizzie and Nell, we love them very much.’
Nancy Sorell – model, actress and mum of twins
On the day my baby was born my life changed forever. At 6.55pm on a sunny but chilly September evening, I became a mum. At the time it was impossible to fathom, and in those early weeks in particular I bloody hated and resented it at times. I know that loads of other parents feel like this and the worry and guilt many of us carry around is just so unnecessary, because we’re real.
Even though there are often times when we feel knackered, lack even the most basic of parenting skills, are riddled with sleep-deprived anxiety and feel totally incompetent, we need to make sure we stop frequently, go easy on ourselves and appreciate the good, countless wonderful, moments – for there are many, even if we have to search a little bit. And as the months and years go on, there will be plenty more. We should be proud of the parent we are, and enjoy the little legacy we have created.
We are all troopers, we are all amazing, and we all have one incredible thing in common… we are all parents. And what a brilliantly bespoke crazy club it is.
Dr Reetta says…
Keeping an open mind Although having a baby is commonplace, it’s also complicated. As part of becoming a parent you are very likely to experience some parenting anxiety as you go through the years ahead. How high the levels of anxiety are, how it impacts on your day-to-day life and how long it lasts for will depend on who you are, including your circumstances, coping strategies and support network. I hope through reading this book you can take away the key message: parenting anxiety is normal, expected and something that we all experience. Anxiety is everywhere, so the task isn’t to get rid of it but, like Anna has done, learn to cope with it.
Use the tools and tips in this book to help you approach parenthood with an open, accepting mind, rather than thinking there are definite, one-size-fits-all answers or guidance. As is often said, being a parent is a job that’s never finished. One way to think about your new role is that you are as old as your baby is – the birth of a first baby equals the birth of a parent. As your baby develops, so will you, and the process can’t be hurried. As part of this process, we should all accept that being a parent is rewarding and exhausting; exciting and boring; and enjoyable and difficult.
Depending on where you are in your parenting journey, you may or may not have got to know yourself as a parent, including what your strengths, weaknesses and triggers for anxiety are. You may be surprised by what you thought you would find easy or hard and that has ended up being the opposite. You may find the baby months very tough, but enjoy the toddler years, or vice versa. You may be positively surprised by how well one aspect of parenting is going, but disappointed or upset about another aspect that isn’t going well at all.
Top tips for the road ahead
1. Being mindful of your own emotions is an essential part of parenting. Observe yourself, not judgementally, but with an open mind. Notice what you are feeling during the tough moments and days. Practise pausing before responding: stop what you are doing, breathe or take a few minutes to yourself, and then re-gather your thoughts. How would you like to learn to respond to the situation you are in?
2. As Anna says, no amount of reading, watching or talking prepares you for parenthood. Indeed, recent research by Swansea University links reading too many prescriptive baby books (that give advice on strict routines) to increased feelings of depression. Many new parents, however, want to read books, as it can be comforting to have that ‘guidance’. Keep enjoying reading, if it’s your thing, but be aware of reading too much (it’s quite possible to sign up to too many parenting emails/blogs etc) and becoming overwhelmed by often-opposing advice. My personal favourite parenting book is Naomi Stadlen’s What Mothers Do: Especially when it looks like nothing. Or if you want something a bit more ‘how-to’, Sarah Ockwell-Smith is an author who gives practical, gentle guidance on various aspects of parenting.
3. As Anna and I have expressed throughout the book: there isn’t one right way to parent. You need to learn what works for you. Trust yourself and your instincts, and do what you think is the best. Then, find people (face to face or on online) around you who are supportive and think about parenting with them. Finally, as Anna says, dedicate some time to just ‘be’ with your baby – enjoy getting to know them and their unique personality.
Sometimes parents need a little bit of help, whether it is thinking about their well-being or something about parenting, or to have a space in which to reflect on their thoughts and feelings. There are a number of organisations and professionals that can help with this – see the Resources section at the end of the book.