forty-two

Doing something with my dog and cat usually dulls whatever pain bedevils me, so I headed straight out the back door when I got home. Jay brought me his tennis ball, I threw it, and he took off with Leo right behind him. I broke the film of ice that capped the birdbath and threw the ball again, but the boys ignored me and shot around the side of the house. They reappeared a few seconds later, dancing around Goldie’s feet. She wore a bright-blue ski jacket and a Fair Isle cap in lollipop colors, and carried a covered baking pan.

“How’s your mom?” She obviously saw the surprise on my face and said, “I saw Tom get out of the taxi this morning. He told me.”

I filled her in, and said, “She was sleeping when I left. I’ll call in an hour or so for an update.”

“Tom must have had an early class,” said Goldie, bending to pick up Leo. He settled into her arms and I could hear his motor running from three feet away. She smiled at him and I swear he smiled back.

“You need a cat, my friend,” I said. I felt more comfortable talking about cats and dogs, or even my mother, than about Tom at the moment. Besides, Goldie had talked to Tom and probably already knew that all was not well.

Jay shoved his tennis ball into my knee. I started to tell him the game was over, but the anticipation blazed across his face stopped me. I took the sopping ball out of his mouth and told Goldie, “You might want to put Catman down before I throw this.”

“Good idea,” she said. Leo was finely focused on Jay, and he poured out of Goldie’s arms and tucked himself into a crouch that said, “Ready!”

I got three more tosses in before we reached the back door. Each time, Leo chased Jay and Jay chased the ball. They followed us into the house, both of them panting, and lay down together on Jay’s bed. Leo patted Jay’s muzzle with his paw, and was rewarded with a slurp across his neck and cheek.

Goldie pulled her cap off, releasing a tumble of silver waves that stood out in an electric halo. “Oh,” she said, shaking her head and crinkling her nose, “that static tickles my nose.” She set the pan on the table and peered over her glasses at me where I had collapsed into a kitchen chair. “Shall I get you a plate and put the kettle on for tea?”

“No, thanks, but help yourself,” I said, kicking my shoes off and crossing my feet on a chair. “I ate at the hospital.”

Goldie’s eyebrows rose.

“Cardboard pastry, but filling.”

She sat down across the table from me and asked for more details about my mother. Then she switched topics, as I knew she would. “What’s up with you and Tom?”

I didn’t answer. Goldie fished some hair pins from her pocket and began twisting and looping and pinning her hair, and I marveled at her ability to create an intricate up sweep without benefit of brush or mirror. I can barely manage to catch a clump of my hair in a giant jaw clip. She finished her do and sat watching me, her fingertip tapping the table.

As much as I didn’t want to talk about my so-called love life, the subject was gnawing at me. “What did Tom tell you?” I asked.

“That you needed to stay with your mom and he had places to go,” said Goldie.

I wasn’t surprised that Tom would keep our problems to himself, but I also wouldn’t have been surprised if he had told Goldie every stupid little detail of our conversation, if you could call what we’d had that morning a conversation.

“But he looked like he’d been run over by a truck,” said Goldie.

Maybe the same truck that ran over me when I overheard him asking about quarantines and vaccine requirements for dogs? “Probably tired.”

“Uh huh. I’m sure that was it.”

I really didn’t want to get into the disturbing trajectory of my relationship, so I said, “If all is well with Mom, I’m going to photograph Alberta’s feral cat colony in a bit. You want to come? We can visit the kittens, too.”

She said yes, she’d love to go. “Do you have any of that blackberry sage? A cup of tea sounds good.” I started to get up but she waved me to stay where I was and went about the tea making.

“Could you please grab me an egg from the bowl in the fridge?” I asked. “I think I need some protein.” I think I need a week in Tahiti.

My cell phone rang and I answered, thinking it might be the hospital. Or Tom. Let it be Tom. Of course, I knew by the ring that it wasn’t him.

“Janet, how are you doing?” It was Norm, and he didn’t wait for an answer. “I’m back at the hospital and thought I’d fill you in.”

Goldie set a mug in front of me and I inhaled the sweet fragrance. Blackberry sage tea never fails to calm and lift me all at once. I mouthed a thank you and she squeezed my shoulder and sat down.

“They wanted to run a bunch of tests but Mom is feisty this morning and she has declined,” said Norm. He lowered his voice a notch and continued. “Her boyfriend, Anthony, is here with his daughter. They’re so cute together I can’t stand it. Him and Mom, I mean.

I had to smile at that. “I know.”

Norm went back to his normal voice. “Anyway, she doesn’t want more tests, so she’s going back to Shadetree any time now. We’re just waiting for the ambulance or transport vehicle or whatever they call it.”

“Okay,” I said, “I’ll leave in a few minutes.”

“No need. She’s really tired and will probably fall asleep the minute she’s in her own bed. I’ll follow them and stay until she’s settled. Then I’m off to pick Bill up. He caught an earlier flight and will be in at two-ten.”

“But I should …”

“Let’s do this in shifts, okay?” He chuckled. “Besides, Mom was pretty adamant that she wants some private time with Anthony, and doesn’t want us hanging around her as if we’re on a death watch. Her words.”

Yes, they would be, I thought. Terrible words. I felt myself spinning off into a deep space of loneliness, all my tethers suddenly torn loose. Then Norm’s chipper voice threw me a lifeline and I floated back into the moment.

“Be sure to keep your phone charged,” he said. I’m notorious for letting the battery run down. “And go do something fun. Go take some photos or play with the fur boys, or,” he filled his tone with innuendos, “that big handsome boy of yours.”

Have I mentioned how much I love Norm? He gives me all the brotherly affections that my biological brother, Bill, finds so difficult. If Bill hadn’t moved in with him, I’d have to adopt Norm myself.

I called Alberta to see if we could meet her in about ninety minutes. Fine with her. Goldie went home to change into suitable pants and boots, and I slipped into a quick shower. My peppermint essence steam trick worked its magic and I stepped out feeling slightly more able to function. On a scale of one to ten, with one being comatose and ten being gung ho, I moved up to about a three.

Leo was waiting for me on my bed, and he meowed and stretched when I entered the bedroom. “Hey, Catman.” I sat down and ran my hand over his long, sleek felineness. “We’ll practice this evening, okay, Leo mio?” He squinted at me and chirped. “I know, you don’t really need the practice.” Which was true. I was the most-likely-to-mess-up team member whenever I performed with my animals. I got up and pulled clean jeans and a sweatshirt out of the closet, and realized that Leo had bumped me up another notch on the functional scale.

And then I opened a drawer in my bureau. I was looking for socks, but I didn’t expect the ones that I saw to be Tom’s. It used to be my sock drawer, but I had cleared it to give Tom a place to park a few necessities. Apparently the stress of the past twenty-four hours had pitched me back into my old routine. Next to the brown fuzzy socks was an olive green T-shirt, the one that brought out the green flecks in the man’s brown eyes whenever he wore it. I picked it up and held it to my face, but it smelled of nothing more personal than dryer sheets. I laid it back in the drawer, smoothed it out with my palm, and gently pushed the drawer shut.

By the time I had my jeans and sweatshirt on, I was angry at myself for being such a wimp about asking straight out what Tom was planning. I even thought about calling him to apologize and to plead insanity at the thought of his leaving, even if it wasn’t forever. But that thought conjured the betrayal I had felt when I heard him on the phone. If he was planning to take Drake abroad with him, he had to be planning to be there a long time. From there my heart whirled back to old betrayals, years old but still thinly scabbed. I yanked the knot tight in my boot laces, feeling even angrier, but no longer at myself.