Chapter Sixteen

Bryan didn’t come indoors until late, after the chaos of getting an entire encampment of people settled for the night. He smelled of wood smoke from the blazing bonfire. Sylvia drew him into her arms and breathed him in, nestling her head against his chest.

He sighed, his breath stirring her hair. “There will be more family coming in tomorrow. We’ll have the funeral in the afternoon.”

She pulled away to look up into his face. There were dark circles beneath his eyes. Without a word, she took his hand and led him to the pallet on the kitchen floor that Grandma Naomi had helped her make up. Other bodies filled the living room, older people who didn’t sleep as well outdoors on the hard ground as they used to. The kitchen was the only space left and, to tell the truth, she was glad to have that bit of privacy.

There was no “comforting” as she had hoped, or maybe she had imagined the innuendo. She had only his warmth and deep snores as he slept beside her. Occasionally, he’d mutter something in his sleep. Navajo words. She felt helpless to soothe him, and could only wrap the blankets around him tighter.

 

“I like waking up beside you.” The words were in English this time and they dragged her into consciousness.

“Morning already?” She groaned and snuggled deeper into his arms. Keeping watch over his restless sleep had taken more out of her than she’d expected. She inspected his features. The dark half-moons under his eyes were still there.

“You didn’t rest well.”

“I’m fine.” He got up and offered her a hand, then pulled her close. Quiet voices down the hall made her back away from his morning kiss.

“They can’t see us.”

“I know, but someone could come in here any second.”

His warm chuckle made her insides go weak. “I kind of like the thought of that. Besides, you’re irresistible in that big T-shirt of mine.”

She gave in to a quick kiss then grabbed the bag of Melanie’s donations he’d brought in last night before disappearing into the little bathroom to wash up. When she emerged, Bryan had already left the house to greet his relatives. Another vehicle drove up outside. He had another long day ahead.

Janice watched her from the kitchen as she folded Bryan’s tee. “You can come outside if you’d like. We all speak English. It’s no trouble to switch back and forth.”

“Thank you.” Sylvia looked down and tucked the shirt into the rumpled paper bag. An egg sizzled in the background, and the smell reminded her of how little she’d eaten yesterday.

“Come. Sit with me.” Janice turned off the burner. “I want to learn about the woman my son loves.”

Loves? “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to get to know you? I’ve missed out on so much of his life.” Sadness darkened the woman’s face.

“I’m not that interesting.” And what do I say? Her heartbeat accelerated. “I meant I’m not sure about him loving me.”

Janice set the plates on the table and motioned for her to sit. She obeyed.

“I see how he looks at you.” She smiled. “Him always coming back to the house yesterday, or looking at the window to see if you’re still standing there cooking. I enjoyed your casserole, by the way. So, how did you two meet?”

Sylvia chewed the fried egg and wondered how to respond. When she couldn’t think of a good answer, she stabbed another bit of egg.

Janice laughed. “It’s okay. I’ve met many men under less than perfect circumstances. Bars, parties, you name it.” Her jovial tone faded. “But I’m sure Bryan has told you about those days.”

Swallowing the egg was tough. It seemed to keep growing inside her dry mouth. Finally, she forced it down. “He told me some things.”

Janice looked away for a second, shame briefly clouding her features before she made eye contact again. “I’m really better this time.”

“It’s okay. I wasn’t passing judgment. Honestly.”

“I forgot the coffee.” Bryan’s mom left the table and returned with two steaming mugs. “You take sugar? I think we’re out of milk.”

“Black is fine.” Sylvia took a sip and felt it warm her bones. “I just hope… I mean, I know Bryan isn’t ready…”

“Oh, I know. I don’t blame him. It will take a lot of time. But enough about me. Tell me about yourself.”

She took another drink to stall then decided to keep it simple. “I’m a pianist.”

“Do you play professionally or teach?”

She shook her head. “Neither, but I’d like to teach kids to play one day.” It wasn’t a lie.

“That’s wonderful. You know, if you and Bryan settle down here, you could probably teach children at the church. They have a piano there.”

“I, uh, I’m not sure what Bryan’s plans are. We haven’t really discussed anything.”

Janice stretched her hand across the table to pat Sylvia’s. “It’s okay. I just want you to feel welcome.” She glanced at her watch. “I should get going.”

“I’ll clean up.” Sylvia stood and reached for Janice’s plate.

“Oh, no. You come outside today. Everyone wants to meet you.”

Egg turned to rock in her gut. All day outside? All those people?

Janice took her hand. “Come. Please?”

Her feet refused to move. Going outside with Bryan by her side was tolerable, but without him…

Janice studied her eyes then ran her thumb through the sweat gathering on Sylvia’s palm. She released her hand and nodded.

“You stay inside. I’ll bring some people in to meet you.”

Relief washed through Sylvia like a flood, and she closed her eyes in embarrassment. When she opened them, Janice still watched her, a sympathetic smile curving her lips.

“Yes. You stay inside.”

 

Once the dishes and pans were clean, Sylvia set about making another casserole. Bryan didn’t take as many breaks as yesterday, but she often looked out at him talking with his friends and family. Was the pretty woman in the flowing purple dress an old girlfriend? He spoke to her a lot. It took a moment for Sylvia to recognize the strange, uneasy feeling welling up inside her. With Gary, she wasn’t allowed to feel jealousy, and now the idea of Bryan being attracted to another woman made her feel…possessive. As if she should dash outside and stand beside him. Let the woman know he belonged to her.

Many people made their way in and out of the kitchen, introducing themselves to Sylvia and making small talk, usually centered around food.

By mid-afternoon, a throng of people milled in the front yard, and she guessed it was almost time for the funeral. Sylvia steeled herself for the prospect of standing by Bryan’s side during the ceremony. She would gladly do it for him, face the open sky and a group of strangers. But she received an unexpected reprieve when Bryan came into the kitchen followed by the woman in the purple dress with a sleeping toddler in her arms.

“Sylvia, this is my cousin Mandy. Her little boy is wiped out and we wondered if you’d be okay with looking after him and a couple of the other little ones if they napped in the living room.”

She nodded. “Sure, but don’t you want me with you at the funeral?”

His smile was warm and sweet, and his eyes lingered on her face. “I really appreciate that, but if you could help with the kids, that would be great.”

She was glad to obey his wishes and happy to be of use to his family.

“Thanks.” Mandy’s pretty smile made Sylvia very glad she was a cousin. She carried her child into the other room.

Sylvia put her arms around Bryan’s waist, hugging him tight. Without a word, she tried to give him her support for the difficult ceremony ahead.

His hands roamed up her back and sifted through her hair. Cupping the back of her head, he pulled away from her embrace so he could kiss her. Light as the whisper of a breeze, his lips settled on hers and teased them open. A quick flick of his tongue, a promise for later, and then he stepped away. “Okay. I’ll be back soon.”

She walked him to the door and saw him out, then went into the living room where several young children were sound asleep on couch cushions or sleeping bags.

Mandy settled her little boy in a nest of blankets on the floor. The child’s pudgy face was slack in sleep, his mouth open. Tendrils of hair clung to his sweaty forehead.

“He should stay sacked out for a lot longer than the service will take. Rick’s a whirlwind, but when he crashes, he doesn’t move for hours.”

“He’s adorable. How old?”

“Four.” The woman continued to stand there.

Sylvia flicked a nervous glance at her.

Mandy’s eyes were assessing. “Look. The rest of the family is too traditional, meaning too polite to talk plainly, so I’ll make up for them. Bryan may have chosen to leave here, but a person can’t reject family so easily. We’ll always be a part of him and vice versa. That’s what it means to be a tribe. I don’t know if he told you about that girl Simone. She did a real number on his head. Made him feel bad about himself.”

Sylvia’s pulse thudded under Mandy’s direct stare and frank words.

“Don’t expect him to change. He is who he is, and this is where he comes from. Okay?”

“Yes,” she replied meekly.

She understood Mandy intended to be blunt, not mean, but the unexpected confrontation made her stomach churn.

The black-haired woman nodded and turned to go.

“Just so you know. I wouldn’t want or expect Bryan to change. I like him exactly the way he is.”

Pausing with her hand on the doorknob, Mandy looked back and smiled faintly. “Well, all right then. Just so we’re clear.”

After she left, Sylvia checked on the sleeping children then returned to the kitchen to wash another sink full of dirty dishes. As she rinsed and stacked, she listened to the faint sound of singing from outside, “Amazing Grace” rather than the Native American chant Bryan and his grandmother sang the day before.

If she pressed close to the window, she could see the group gathered near the grave. A soft cough made her whirl around from the window.

A round-faced child stood sucking its thumb and staring at her with bright eyes. It could’ve been a girl or boy as the jeans and T-shirt would suffice for either.

“Hi! Can I get you something? Need a drink?” She poured a glass of tap water and offered it to the little one, who continued to gaze at her. “Thirsty?”

Sylvia wasn’t used to children. She hadn’t been around them for the past five years, but even before that, she’d never had a babysitting job or any reason to be near kids. The idea of having one of her own had crossed her mind occasionally, but she knew she was too screwed up to ever be a mother.

Pulling the thumb from its mouth with a pop, the child announced, “I gotta go potty.”

“Okay. It’s right over here.” Sylvia took the chubby hand in hers and led the child to the bathroom. The sweaty and sticky palm clung to hers, the little fingers curled around her hand. Her heart twisted at the vulnerability of children and how the adults in their lives could hurt them.

If she and Bryan had a child, would it look something like this little one? Her melancholy grew stronger, as she dismissed the impossible thought and opened the bathroom door. “Do you need help or can you do it by yourself?”

The kid looked up at her with disdain. “I wipe my own pee-pee now. I’m a big girl, not a baby.”

Girl then. “Of course, you are. Pardon me.” Sylvia nodded gravely.

The little girl went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

 

After the service, Bryan stopped by the kitchen to see her again, but then there was more socializing and eating to be done until late that evening.

As daylight shifted into night, some vehicles drove off, but others stayed. The crowd drew nearer to the house to gather around a pit fire.

She watched Bryan until she ached with emptiness at being apart from him. She rested her forehead against the door and listened. The fire crackled. Barking from Wolf or the other dog interrupted a chorus of crickets looking for love in the Arizona twilight. She wrapped her moist hand around the doorknob and practiced giving it a good, hard twist. When Bryan’s deep baritone rose above the conversation, she found the strength to twist and pull.

She spotted him near the corner of the trailer. He’d been standing for most of the day, and she could see the rhythm of his body as weariness and fortitude battled in his muscles. Eventually he leaned against the trailer for support, a casual pose, but the way he sagged into the siding told her he needed rest.

She crept around the opposite side of the dwelling until she could see his broad, strong back. “Pssst.”

Bryan didn’t hear her, but Wolf did. He and the other dog bounded around the corner. She wiped her damp palms off on her dress and gave them some attention. When they were ready to explore the next night sound off in the distance, she looked at Bryan. He stared right at her from between the bend of his bicep and forearm.

She crooked her finger.

He called out some parting words to his family and came to her.

“What are you doing out here?”

He didn’t give her a chance to answer, leading her to the rear of the house and covering her mouth with his. She kissed back, tamping down on the fear still rocking her belly. He broke the kiss to tilt her head away and lick her collarbone.

“Come with me,” she said.

“I don’t want to go to the kitchen and sleep. Not yet.”

“Then we’ll go somewhere else.”

He worked his way up her neck to the corner of her mouth. “Hmmm. Where are you taking me?”

“You once spoke to me about how you loved to camp out—”

His head popped up. “You can’t be serious.”

“Yeah.” She grinned up at him. “I think I am.”

He swept her into his arms and carried her to his truck parked near the pottery shed.

Once they were several hundred yards away from his family, he hit the gas. They had the road to themselves, except for a few nocturnal animals, their eyes flashing bright as they scampered across the road.

Bryan slowed to avoid hitting an armadillo and took her hand in his. “You really okay with this?”

“I’d do anything to get you a good night’s rest. Even brave leaving your grandparent’s house to sleep under the stars.”

He smiled. “So I take it you got blankets and stuff and threw ’em in the back?”

Oh, crap. She gave her forehead a light smack. “Um…no. Sorry. Should we turn around?”

He lifted her hand to his lips, kissed the back of it, then rolled her palm over and open. The softness of his lips made her body hum with anticipation. Made her think of other places she wanted him to kiss…

“Just teasing. I always keep a sleeping bag and blankets in back, so no worries there.”

She gave him a mock pout, and he immediately leaned in to kiss her. “Hey! Watch the road, silly.”

“What road?” he asked against her cheek.

She glanced out the window. He’d pulled off the road, and a small scrub of a bush lay directly in their path. “Look out for that tree.”

Bryan hit the brakes. “Hey!”

Her tongue darted out. “Payback.”

He put the truck in park and unbuckled her belt. The roar of the engine matched the thrum of her pussy as he pulled her across the seat. “Payback, eh? Careful. I just might up the stakes.”

I don’t want to be careful. Not with your arms around me and the smell of you and the heat melting me from the inside out…

Keys jingled as he fumbled to turn off the ignition. She brought her leg up over his and wiggled her way into his lap.

“Jesus, woman,” he murmured into her mouth.

She ate up those words, every syllable, and pressed into his erection to force more from his lips. Tonight she felt powerful. God, he made her feel so much.

When he inched his head away, he was panting. “We should wait.”

“No!” She took back the vehemence of her protest by adding, “I mean, out of respect for your grandfather, maybe. But not for anything else.”

He shook his head and took hold of her hips to untangle their bodies. “Five years of damage is a helluva lot. I can’t just snap my fingers and undo what he did to you. You need time.”

I need you. “Show me. Show me the right way to know pleasure. You’ve already done it once. Do it again.”

She’d beg if that’s what he wanted, on her knees or by lying prostrate before him. “Tell me what I need to do to make you want me.”

He laughed and planted a sweet kiss on her forehead. “You know I want you. Soon, Sylvia. I promise.”

He hopped out of the truck. After catching her breath and willing her watery bones to move, she joined him. Together they layered a few blankets in the truck bed then crawled into a sleeping bag.

“Ready to zip up?”

She snuggled closer to him and folded her hands against his hard chest. “Yes.”

“Sorry it’s so tight.”

“I don’t mind.” She wished she could see his eyes in the absolute darkness of the night. She’d give anything to see the desire there. “We’ll be warm.”

“Yeah. Warm,” he muttered.

She chuckled and shifted against him. He was definitely warm—in all the right places. Her hands went lower, across tight abs and thick denim…

“Hey, look up.”

“Trying to distract me?”

“Yes and no. Just look.”

She stifled a frustrated sigh and rolled to her back. “Wow.”

The black velvet expanse above them was sprinkled with diamonds that pulsed and glowed more brightly than any stars she’d ever seen.

“Amazing, isn’t it? You don’t get this kind of night sky in the city.”

And you don’t get it in the confines of a place like Gary’s… She blocked the rest of the thought. It was time to let go of the past, or at least start trying. She waited for the usual feelings of helplessness to overtake her, to drag her down into panic and despair. Secure in Bryan’s arms, she felt none of these things.

“See that star there?”

She did, and he told her the story of it, a tale passed down from generation to generation here on this brick red earth. Her fingers found his lips, felt them move from one piece of sky to another while he shared the lore of his people. She held on to wakefulness for as long as she could then let her fingers drift. The stories still flowed from his mouth, now in Diné, and she dreamed of drifting through the skies on the back of mischievous Coyote spreading stardust along the Milky Way.