One of Mum’s rich ladies said she wasn’t needed any more so she was crashing and banging around the kitchen.
‘And not so much as a thank for all those bloody years I cleaned up after her ungrateful children and smarmy husband!’ she yelled, nearly taking the hinges off one of the doors. ‘Never a birthday card or a Christmas card in all that time, miserable cow! She made me feel as if she was doing me a favour, letting me clean for her.’
‘Who’s going to clean for her now, Mummy?’ I asked.
‘Some fourteen-year-old strip of a girl straight out of school that will only cost her pennies.’
‘I could leave school, Mum. I could. I could leave school and get a job.’
‘You’re not even twelve yet, Maureen. Me and your dad want you stay on till you’re fourteen.’
She stopped crashing around and smiled at me. ‘Look,’ she said softly. ‘I don’t want you worrying, we’ll manage. Brighton is full of rich ladies, I was just letting off a bit of steam. I want you to learn all you can at school, I don’t want you out working until you have to. Childhood is short enough as it is.’
‘Maybe Uncle John and Aunty Marge would let me help out on the stall.’
‘I think your daddy likes to do that when he can.’
‘Is Daddy alright?’
‘He’s not great, love.’
Daddy had been my normal daddy for so long now that I’d almost forgotten that I had two other daddies. Now he was acting funny again and it was making me feel bad inside. The house had a feeling about it when Daddy was ill. You could sense it as soon as you walked through the door, you just knew that your normal daddy was gone and there was a different one in his place. When me and Brenda came home from school we didn’t know which one would be there.
I’d asked Daddy if he would come to the orphanage with us to take Nelson out for the day and he’d said, ‘Of course I will, it will be like a rescue mission. We’ll rescue Nelson and run away with him.’
‘He has to be back in time for his tea, Daddy.’
‘Then we’ll rescue him until teatime. How about that?’
‘That would be great,’ I’d said.
And now it was nearly Saturday and Daddy had been shut in the bedroom since Sunday and we wouldn’t be able to rescue Nelson at all.
Me and Monica and Brenda were sitting on the field at the end of the road. It was chilly and the three of us were wrapped up in warm coats, scarves and gloves. There was a group of boys kicking a ball around. They were wearing short trousers and thin shirts; their little bony knees were all scratched and muddy.
‘I don’t think boys feel the cold like girls do,’ I said.
‘That’s cos they’re thick,’ said Monica, grinning. ‘The cold can’t get through.’
‘Jack’s not thick,’ I said.
‘You wouldn’t notice if he was,’ said Monica.
‘Wouldn’t I?’
‘It’s because she loves him,’ said Brenda. ‘You do, don’t you, Maureen? You love Jack.’
All of a sudden Monica pointed across the field. ‘That’s your dad, isn’t it?’ she said.
My heart gave a lurch as I looked over at the boys playing football. There was my dad in the middle of them, wrestling the ball away from them and dashing down the field with them all running after him. They were laughing and pointing and making fun of him. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.
‘Do you want to go home?’ asked Monica, softly.
I was staring at Daddy as he continued to make a fool of himself, running round and round the field with the boys running after him. Mum was at work so it was up to me to do something.
Brenda had gone very quiet. I took her hand. ‘It’s OK,’ I said, ‘Daddy’s just having fun with the boys.’
She looked up at me. ‘Is he?’ she said doubtfully.
‘Yes. Look how fast he can run.’
Brenda smiled. ‘He can run faster than any of them, can’t he, Maureen?’
‘He can. Now I want you to go home with Monica and I’ll wait for Daddy.’
But Brenda was looking worried again. ‘Why must I go home?’
‘Because it’s bloody cold, that’s why.’
‘You won’t be long, will you?’ she said.
‘Nope. I’ll just wait until Daddy’s finished playing football and I’ll be home.’
I mouthed ‘Thanks’ to Monica and I watched them both walk across the field. Brenda looked back at me and I gave her the biggest grin I could manage.
I had never seen Daddy do this before – he usually stayed in the house when he was bonkers. But then I didn’t know what he was doing when I was at school and Mammy didn’t know what he was doing either because she was at work.
I didn’t know what to do; I was a child, I wasn’t a grown-up. Mum could always calm him down but I’d never managed to. Usually I took Brenda out of the way and hoped that he’d be calmer when we got back. But Mummy wasn’t here.
I started to walk towards the boys. One minute I was walking towards them all and the next minute I was flat on the ground and I could hardly breathe. I’d got in Daddy’s way as he tore after the ball. Daddy was down on his knees beside me, stroking my face and crying, ‘Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ It was as if something had switched in his brain and made him normal again. He helped me to my feet and brushed the grass off my coat. Then he put his arms around me and held me tightly against him. I loved him and I hated him and I clung to him and I wanted to run away from him. The boys weren’t laughing any more and they drifted away from us.
‘It’s alright, Daddy,’ I said. ‘It’s alright.’
He shook his head from side to side as if he was trying to clear it. ‘Oh, Maureen,’ he said sadly, ‘my little Maureen.’
‘It was my fault, Daddy, I got in the way.’
He took my face gently in his hands. ‘It will never be your fault. Don’t ever think that it is your fault.’
Suddenly I felt at peace and all the worry and sadness seemed to leave me. The boys must still have been on the field but all I could hear was the soft rustling of the wind as it blew gently through the trees. I leaned into him and I felt his heart beating beneath his coat. It felt as if we were alone in the world and I wanted to stay in his arms forever and never let him go. I wasn’t afraid any more. I knew in that moment that I only had one daddy and the other two were just another part of him. I wished that I could hold him forever and keep him safe forever. I wished that I could wrap this moment up and keep it in my pocket. I loved my daddy; I always would.