Those first few days after he’d gone were awful. Jack said that he would write as soon as he was able to and I longed for his first letter.
Me and Monica were lying on my bed. I was miserable.
‘Bloody war,’ she said, plumping up her pillow.
‘Any idea when Chester will be leaving?’
‘Not a clue, he doesn’t know either.’
‘Has he ever said that he might get killed?’
‘Bloody hell, Maureen! Why would he say that?’
‘To prepare you, if the worst happens and he doesn’t come back.’
Monica leaned up on one elbow and stared down at me.
‘Has Jack said that to you then?’
I nodded. ‘Do you think he’s had a premonition?’
‘No, I don’t and I don’t know why he would say something like that. We all think it, but we don’t say it out loud. Chester makes a joke about it and maybe that’s not right either, but you have to believe that they will come home safe and, even more importantly, they have to believe they’ll come home safe.’
‘Jack’s different. I think he’s different, Monica.’
‘It’s all that education, it’s messing with his head.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘Why else would he come out with stuff like that?’
‘He wanted me to promise him that I’d be alright if he died.’
‘How can you promise him something like that? How do you know what you’ll be like?’
‘Oh, I know what I’d be like.’
‘He’ll come home, Maureen, you’ll see.’
‘He has to, Monica. He has to.’
Suddenly we heard a hammering on the front door and then Mum was running up the stairs. She burst into the room.
‘Monica, it’s your Archie. He says the Yanks are moving out! You’d better get up to the camp quick.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ I said.
We ran downstairs. Archie was standing in the hallway, trying to catch his breath.
‘I run all the way, Monica. There’s loads of trucks up there and all the soldiers are getting into them.’
‘Did you see Chester?’
‘No, I just thought I’d better get you.’
‘You did the right thing, Archie. You’re a good boy.’
Then Archie burst into tears. ‘I don’t want the Yanks to go, Monica. They’re really nice, I like ’em.’
‘I know you do, love, but they have to fight now, that’s what they have to do.’
The three of us ran up the road and up onto the Downs. Trucks full of soldiers were passing us as we ran. We were scanning their faces, trying to find Chester.
‘Can you see him, Maureen?’
I shook my head. ‘There’s so many of them.’
When we got to the camp trucks were still coming through the gates. There were loads of girls outside the fence, screaming and crying. As a truck passed us Monica called out to one of the soldiers, ‘Chester McQuaid, have you seen him?’
The soldier shook his head. ‘Sorry, ma’am, it’s chaos here. We were given fifteen minutes’ notice that we were leaving. Try the station.’
‘The station?’ said Monica.
‘That’s where the trucks are heading, you might find him there.’
Tears were rolling down Monica’s face. ‘We’ll never get there in time.’
‘Move along, lads!’ shouted the soldier. ‘We’ve got company.’
‘Go home, Archie!’ yelled Monica as strong arms lifted us up onto the truck.
‘Keep your heads down, ladies, I’m breaking the rules here.’
‘Thank you,’ said Monica. ‘Thank you so much.’
‘You’re very welcome, miss, Chester is one of the best. I’m happy to help.’
As the trucks rattled through the streets people were coming out of their houses, waving them off. ‘Good luck, lads!’ they were shouting.
Loads of kids were running after the trucks and the soldiers were throwing chocolate and chewing gum to them.
‘I think there will be a few broken hearts in Brighton this day,’ I said.
‘There’ll be one more if I don’t find Chester,’ said Monica.
‘We’ll find him,’ I said, holding her hand.
It was as chaotic at the station as it had been at the camp. As soon as we were lifted down from the truck, we started running into the station. It was full of noise and soldiers and doors slamming and women crying.
‘We’ll never find him, Maureen.’
‘We bloody well will!’
There was a truck next to us, still unloading soldiers.
‘OK, Monica, we need to stand on the bonnet.’
‘What?’
‘We need to stand on the bonnet of this truck so that we can see over the crowd.’
‘I’ll ruin me nylons.’
‘This is no time to be thinking about your nylons, Monica.’
‘No, you’re right.’
‘Give us a leg up,’ I said to a young soldier.
‘You wanna get up on the truck, miss?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘On the bonnet.’
‘No problem,’ he said, saluting us and grinning.
Once we were safely balanced on the bonnet I said, ‘Now, shout as loud as you can, Monica.’
Monica took a deep breath and shouted, ‘Chester McQuaid!’ as loud as she could over the top of the crowd. Then I added my voice to hers.
‘It’s no good,’ said Monica.
‘Try again,’ I said.
‘Want some help?’ said the young soldier.
‘Yes, please,’ said Monica.
He turned to a group of lads that were loading kit bags onto a trolley.
‘These young ladies are looking for Chester. I want you to climb up on the roof and yell as loud as you can.’
So with a group of soldiers on the roof of the truck and me and Monica on the bonnet, we all shouted across the station. ‘Chester McQuaid!’
And suddenly there he was, running towards us, weaving in and out of the crowd, grinning all over his face. ‘Monica!’ he was shouting. He lifted her down from the truck and swung her round and then they were in each other’s arms and they were kissing and laughing and holding each other.
I sat down on the bonnet with my legs dangling over the side and I watched them. Monica had got to say goodbye to Chester and, for a moment, I had forgotten about Jack.
It was easier at the bookshop; joking with Maggie and taking tea out to the war council in the shed. The roof was mended and we had a new little kitchen at the back of the shop. Bombs continued to fall. Four days after Jack left, three German planes came in low over the sea and dropped bombs on the viaduct over London Road and the railway station, putting two lines out of action. Luckily, no one was killed.
Being in love made me selfish. We were in the middle of this awful war, men, woman and children were dying every day and yet all I could think about was Jack. When would I see him? When would I be in his arms again? When would I get a letter? I barely listened to Afshid’s news as she raced through the shop and into the shed. If it wasn’t about Jack then I wasn’t interested. Yes, love had made me selfish.
After work I went straight to the church and lit a candle. I put my penny in the box and knelt down. ‘Please take care of him, Mary,’ I said. ‘And please forgive me for thinking only of him and not all the other poor people that are dying. I don’t mean to be selfish, I do care really, but right now all I can think about is Jack.’ I looked up at the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary smiling down at me and said, ‘Have you ever been in love, Mary? I know that you were married to Joseph, but did you love him? Did you love him like I love Jack? If you did then you’ll know how I feel so please, please keep him safe.’
I got up and started walking back up the aisle, then I went back and lit a candle for two doors down’s dog and Nelson’s leg.
I could hear the noise as soon I turned into See Saw Lane. For an instant I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. Then I saw her: Jack’s mum, kneeling in the middle of the road, screaming Jack’s name. I noticed she had a letter in her hand.
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t take in what was happening; it wasn’t making any sense to me. Then I saw my mum running out of our house. I watched her kneel down beside Jack’s mum. I watched her cradle Jack’s mum in her arms. I listened as the screaming turned to wailing that seemed to come from the very depths of her soul. Other women were coming out of their houses. One of them was holding a blanket and she put it around Mrs Forrest’s shoulders. They crowded around her, sheltering her, protecting her. She was one of them, she was a mother. They could afford to be kind, because for now, today, their sons and husbands were safe. Maybe God would look kindly on them if they gave comfort to this woman.
I didn’t go to her; I didn’t want these women to see me, I didn’t want their comfort. I didn’t want any kind of comfort, no one could comfort me.
Then Mum saw me. Her eyes were full of pity as she walked towards me.
‘Oh, my love,’ she said. ‘Come on home.’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t,’ I said and I started running.