I was on the bus going to Hastings; I needed to tell Nelson. Strangely enough, I didn’t know how he was going to take it. I was pretty sure how most people would react, but not Nelson. My family had been amazing.
‘You’re not ashamed of me, Mum, are you?’
‘I could never be ashamed of you, Maureen,’ she’d said. ‘You loved Jack and he loved you, and I’m sure that you would have got married after the war.’
‘He never asked me, you know. I thought he would, but he never.’
‘The war takes boys in different ways. Some want to get married as soon as they get their call-up papers. They want to know that their girlfriends are going to stay true to them while they’re away fighting. Others, like Jack, fear that they might not come home and they don’t want the girl they love to end up a widow. I can understand Jack not asking you and I know that it wouldn’t have been because he didn’t want to.’
‘Don’t you mind that people are going to talk?’ I’d asked.
‘People will always talk. They talked when your dad died. Let them gossip if it makes them feel better about themselves. Hold your head up high, my girl, you’ve done nothing wrong.’
‘Thanks, Mum. I’m going to have to tell Mrs Bentley and Peter and they might not want me working in the bookshop.’
‘They don’t seem like judgemental people to me.’
‘They’re not, but the customers might be.’
Then Mum had taken my face in her hands. ‘This child will be a blessing, Maureen, and this child will be loved because it was born out of love. If people want to think otherwise, that’s up to them.’
My family were amazing.
It was strange going to see Nelson without Jack; it made me feel lonely inside. The seat next to me was empty so I put my bag on it. I missed him, I missed him so much.
I got off at the bus station and started walking back along the seafront. I passed the house with the missing wall. The flowery wallpaper was still hanging off in strips but the bed was gone. Jack would have had something funny to say about why the bed was gone. I couldn’t believe that I would never hear his voice again.
It was a warm day and the front door to Valerie House was wide open. I stepped into the cool hallway and waited for someone to come. There was music coming from behind a closed door to my left and I could hear the muffled sound of people talking and laughing. As I opened the door, I saw Nelson right away. He was standing beside a piano, turning the pages of the music for the young boy who was playing.
‘Nelson?’ I called.
He turned around and his face split into a huge grin when he saw me. ‘Maureen, I didn’t know you were coming,’ he said.
‘Sorry, mate,’ he said to the boy and walked over to me.
I smiled at him.
He immediately looked concerned. ‘Are you OK?’
I nodded but Nelson knew me, he knew me like Jack knew me.
‘You’re not, are you?’
‘Can we talk?’ I said.
‘Of course. We’ll go into the garden, we’ll have a bit more privacy out there.’
We walked to the far end of the lawn.
‘You’re walking better,’ I said.
‘It’s getting easier,’ he told me, sitting down on a bench. ‘Now, come here and tell me what’s wrong. Because I know that something is.’
‘There’s nothing wrong,’ I said, sitting down next to him. ‘At least, I hope you won’t think that it’s wrong.’
Nelson reached across and held my hand. ‘Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.’
‘I’m going to have a baby, Nelson. I’m going to have Jack’s baby.’
I held my breath. Nelson’s opinion seemed suddenly very important to me. It felt like ages before a huge smile spread slowly across his face and I could feel myself relax. ‘I didn’t know how you’d feel about it,’ I said.
‘You didn’t?’
‘I wanted you to be happy.’
‘How could I not be happy? This baby will be a part of Jack, I can’t think of anything more wonderful than that.’
I smiled. ‘Neither can I.’
‘A baby, eh?’
I nodded. ‘Should I tell Jack’s parents?’
‘Do you want to?’
I looked down at the ground. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Then don’t.’
‘But if they find out then they’ll know it’s Jack’s.’
Nelson went quiet and stared out across the garden, then he looked at me.
‘Not if you’re married, they won’t,’ he said.
‘What do you mean, if I’m married? Who’s going to want to marry me now?’
‘Me?’ he said softly.
I didn’t know what to say. What the hell was he on about? I actually found myself laughing. ‘We can’t get married, Nelson, you’re like my brother.’
‘I had a feeling you’d say that, but what if I told you that I wouldn’t expect anything from you?’
‘Then why marry me?’
‘I could take care of you, you and the baby. I could give the baby my name. I’d be proud to do that, Maureen. Perhaps I’m being selfish, I hope not. But I could give you the protection of a marriage, people wouldn’t talk. I know it sounds mad, but will you think about it?’
I shook my head. What was he thinking? I couldn’t marry Nelson – he was my friend, he was Jack’s friend. It was a stupid idea. I loved Jack, I hadn’t stopped loving him because he’d died. I couldn’t just suddenly marry Nelson, could I? Could I?
I stood up and walked away from him; he didn’t follow. I passed young men in wheelchairs, some of them had lost legs. I saw a man being guided around by two nurses, his eyes were bandaged. None of us knew what was going to happen, none of us knew the moment we’d end up in the bottom of a smelly bucket, we just joined in the dance until the music stopped. I leaned against a tree and looked out across the lawns. I listened to the sound of the gulls and breathed in the salty air and I thought about Nelson: he would look after me, he would look after the baby. He would never hurt me, he would never let me down – but was that a good enough reason to marry someone? Especially someone you didn’t love? I think I had always known that Nelson cared for me, so would it be fair to expect him to put up with half a marriage when there was probably a girl out there who would love him the way he deserved to be loved? Wouldn’t I be taking advantage of his feelings for me?
I was tempted. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. Nelson was offering me marriage and respectability; my child wouldn’t be looked down on. But if I accepted his offer, then I had to do something for him. I thought about Nelson and the rotten childhood he’d had. He’d never had a loving home and I could give him that. I could take care of him and I could give him a home. It might work, it just might work.