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That Saturday at the cider bar, Rose ordered a glass of the passionfruit peach cider, since she was craving something sweet. Her roommate immediately popped into her head again—had he ever really left?—and she tried, once again, to push him out.
And once again, she wasn’t successful.
“What’s wrong, Rose?” Sierra asked, leaning forward.
Rose looked around at her friends: Sierra, Nicole, and Charlotte. Amy wasn’t here tonight—she was catching up on sleep instead. Rose had known these three women for over a decade. She’d hung out with them somewhat regularly at university, and when she’d decided to move to Toronto, they’d gotten closer. These women had helped her through a lot. She shouldn’t be nervous about telling them about Cal, but she was.
Charlotte opened her mouth before Rose could say anything. “Is it Cal? What did that fucker do?”
Rose chuckled. “It’s not what you think. He’s a good roommate.”
“Oh?” Nicole said.
“Yeah. That’s the problem. The more he cooks for me, the more weeds he pulls out, the more episodes of The Untamed we watch together...the more I want to jump his bones.” She covered her face after saying the last words; she wasn’t used to talking about her sexual desires.
And the way he allowed himself to be vulnerable with her, and let her know just how difficult figuring out his finances was—that touched her, too.
But he wasn’t acting like this because she was anyone special to him, right? He was just a kind person, and they lived together. Maybe she shouldn’t read much into things.
Except...
“What about Ray?” Sierra asked.
Oh, God. Ray.
Rose liked him, too, and things were going well so far. They’d gone out for dinner again two nights ago, and today, he’d sent her flowers. Not red roses, but a mixed bouquet, and it had made her a little giddy, though not as much as last time.
“I guess I should see what happens with Ray first,” Rose said.
“You guess,” Nicole repeated.
“Yeah.”
“What’s the worst that could happen if you ask Cal how he feels about you?”
“Well.” Rose had given this a lot of thought. “There are so many terrible options. He could say he doesn’t have any feelings for me, and then things could get awkward between us, especially if he starts bringing someone else home. What if it gets so awkward that one of us has to move? The thought is overwhelming right now and—”
“Nicole,” Charlotte said. “I can’t believe you asked Rose about worst-case scenarios. She thinks about that all the time, and she always gets to death or the end of the world pretty quickly. Besides, it wasn’t all that long ago that you were scared of being with David, scared of losing yourself in a relationship.”
“I’m not scared of that,” Rose said.
“But I’m sure you make up for it with your other fears.”
“I do.” She looked down at her cider.
In general, she wasn’t scared of relationships. She wanted one. But with Cal, it was extra complicated, especially since she already knew what it was like for him to break her heart. She wasn’t afraid of heartbreak, except when it came to him.
Weird.
Besides, did she really like Cal more than Ray? Or was it just that she knew him better?
“I think you should wear a really sexy outfit around Cal and see what he does,” Nicole said. “We’ll go shopping together. I’ll find you something.”
“Uh...” Rose said.
“I’ve seen pictures of this guy. He’s hot. I understand the appeal, although he never called you last year.”
“I believe his story about his phone getting run over by a truck. I know it sounds far-fetched, but I do. And when I couldn’t sleep the other night, he left extra coffee for me in the morning and a note from Shelly.”
“Who’s Shelly?” Charlotte asked.
“His stuffed turtle. She has an Instagram account, and she and Fred have adventures together. The other day, Cal bought a slice of roll cake from Harbord Coffee Bar, and we took pictures of our plushies with the cake before we ate it. Shelly’s bio says she likes cake, you see.”
Her friends all looked at each other.
“What?” Rose asked. “I know it’s childish, but I like—”
“There is no way this guy isn’t in love with you,” Sierra said decisively.
Rose experienced a moment of incandescent hope, which quickly disappeared. “Nah, it’s just the kind of guy he is. I’ve seen him with other people.”
“I know there are risks,” Nicole said, “but I think you should say something to him. If he turns you down, you can do your best to pretend the conversation never happened.”
Rose didn’t see herself having great success with that.
“At least you’ll know,” Nicole continued. “You won’t always wonder.”
“But what if I like Ray more?”
Nicole raised an are-you-kidding-me? eyebrow.
“Ray is the more...sensible choice,” Rose said hesitantly. “There isn’t the complication of us living together.”
She started laughing. Here she was, trying to decide between two guys. Was this her life?
Of course, it wasn’t as if she could be sure they both liked her. In fact, she was pretty doubtful of Cal’s feelings, but Ray was taking her out on dates and sending her flowers. She knew he was interested.
She wouldn’t push her luck and ask Cal what he thought of her. She should be happy with what she had, which was pretty damn good. Sure, there had been that one moment when she’d found Ray’s smile a little odd, but she pushed that aside once more. It was just her brain misfiring again.
“Colton sounded like a good choice, too,” Sierra said. “On paper, he was the dream guy, but...ugh.”
“Well, I’ll spend time getting to know Ray better,” Rose said. “I won’t do anything rash.”
Nicole still looked skeptical, but whatever. Rose and Nicole were very different people.
“Does your dad inquire about your dating life?” Sierra asked. “Does he make comments about when you’re finally going to get married? I know your father would be much nicer about it than my parents, but still.”
Rose shook her head. “I told him not to ask about it, so he doesn’t.”
Nicole choked on her drink. “You told him not to ask, and he actually listens? Really? He doesn’t bug you about it even more?”
“Nope.”
“Wow,” Sierra said. “Can’t imagine what that’s like. I knew your relationship with your dad was much different than my relationship with my mom, but...”
Rose shrugged. “When there’s news, I’ll tell him. In Ottawa, I got a text and Dad asked me if it was a guy, but that was it. He’s never intrusive about that sort of thing.”
“And as a result, you’re not going to wait a whole year to tell him when you get a boyfriend. See, I wish my mom would realize that’s the secret for getting me to actually tell her things, as opposed to calling me multiple times a day.”
Rose’s mom had definitely been different from her father in this respect, but not quite like any of her friends’ parents.
Rose swallowed some more cider and acknowledged the twinge in her chest. It would never go away completely, and she’d learned to live with it and accept it. Mostly. She imagined setting it aside in a box for now, then looked toward the spot where she’d tripped and encountered Ray for the first time.
Yes, that had certainly been a romantic way to meet. She looked forward to the next date...and she also looked forward to going home and seeing Cal.
But until then, she’d enjoy this time with her friends and try not to focus on her confusion, though she was certain she wouldn’t fully succeed.
Sierra put a hand on Rose’s back. “You okay?
“Yeah,” Rose said. “I’m okay. I think.”
She had no plans to say anything to Cal, but at least she felt a little less freaked out about the whole thing now, although maybe that was just because she wasn’t in his presence.
* * *
“Wow, look at you,” Cal said, slapping Marv on the back. “Only five minutes late.”
“Hey, five minutes late counts as on time in my books,” Marv said.
“Same, same.”
Several months ago, Marv had discovered that he had ADHD, and he now knew the term for his issues with time: time blindness. He was better at managing it than he used to be but still struggled. Meeting at Cal’s place made things simple because Cal could easily occupy himself if Marv was late, though it hadn’t been an issue today.
Cal cracked open a beer for each of them, and they sat down on the couch, the game on in the background.
“Is Rose around tonight?” Marv asked.
“Nah. She has plans with her friends.”
“How’s it going with her? The living arrangement working out okay?”
“Yeah, it’s good,” Cal said. “She’s amazing.”
“Amazing, you say. Sounds like someone has a crush.”
Cal shrugged. Maybe he did. So what.
“You sleeping together?” Marv asked.
“No, just baking cookies and watching TV, that sort of thing.” Cal spoke casually, as though this was all normal.
But with Rose, everything seemed a little better than ordinary.
“You know how I’ve always been bad at math?” he said suddenly. “She thinks I have something called dyscalculia, and I think she’s right. She’s so smart—she knows all sorts of things. Like, she figured out I was baking my cookies in Fahrenheit when the recipe was in Celsius.”
Marv bent over and laughed, and Cal smacked him with a pillow.
“She doesn’t laugh at me as much as your ass does,” Cal said.
“Sorry, sorry. Just imagining you surrounded by undercooked cookies, holding a spatula and trying to figure out what’s going on. But that dis-whatever thing is interesting. Never heard of that.”
“Neither had I.”
“So, whatcha going to do about Rose?” Marv asked. “You’ve been with her before, so you know what the sex is like.”
“I don’t know, man. She was acting weird the other day when I was weeding the garden, like she didn’t want to get too close to me, and then she went on a date with someone else last night. Guess we’ll just see what happens.”
But Cal was less easygoing about things than usual.
He knew exactly what he wanted; he just didn’t know what she wanted—though the fact that she was going on dates with Ray and receiving flowers from him seemed like a sign.
Not one in Cal’s favor.
Whatever. He’d try not to worry about it too much.