Appendix

Keeping Your Heart Clean

I learned early on that I had to provide space for myself to keep my heart clean. It may sound strange, but seeing forgiveness as a choice has shaped who I am today. I’ve learned to allow some time, maybe once a week or a handful of times a month, to have down days or down hours to be by myself for the purpose of being with God, for the purpose of practicing forgiveness and cleaning my heart from bitterness, anger, or self-pity.

To keep your heart clean, schedule a day or half day in a quiet place so that you can be still. Stillness is not loneliness, isolation, or cloistering yourself away and avoiding relationships and community. Stillness is being alone in God’s presence and listening to God in silence. Once you are quiet, here are some spiritual movements you can try for your heart:

Read and reflect on Isaiah 30:15, a passage often used for quiet days: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” You may find you resist being still without something to occupy your mind. Ask yourself why you are resisting the gracious presence of God. Sometimes I realize I avoid being still because I reason to myself that I can just handle my heart issues by myself. Or I admit I just don’t have the time. I’ve learned it’s a necessity for me to be still to know forgiveness and to grow spiritually.

Silence helps us cease from striving. When my girls were young and still took naps, I used that time to write my first book, Soul Strength. For some women that would not seem like a ceasing from striving, but for me it was the best form of silence I could take during those months. I shut off my phones, invited the Holy Spirit to guide me, and wrote what I was learning from Scripture. A woman who needs to keep her hands busy to remain silent might choose to cook in her kitchen or organize her files or tinker with her technology. The purpose is to let your mind relax without needing to speak aloud. Do whatever it takes to quiet your mind. For me, building with words all by myself is my best form of silence, and it allows me to quickly hear what my heart has to say. How long you are silent is entirely up to you.

Thanksgiving is inviting. If the purpose of having quiet is to invite God into a time when we want to forgive and be forgiven, then how we talk to God matters. If you invited a friend to your house, you would welcome her in, make her feel at home, thank her for coming, and be kind. I often say to God, “Thank you. Thank you for the breath in my lungs and this new day. Thank you for being a God who hears and who knows the number of hairs on my head.” Making a mental list of gifts from God in your life and in the world saturates your heart with an attitude of reverence. God is the source of all life, and since you are preparing your heart to forgive or be forgiven, reminding yourself that all good things come from him will help you remember that he will give you a heart of forgiveness too.

Self-examination is the hard part. Ask the Holy Spirit to search you and know you as you linger in his presence. Keep in mind that nothing is hidden from God. He longs for you to bring your grievances to the surface. Start confessing from your heart. Express all of your feelings, knowing the purpose of this is to clean your heart. Ask him to expose any anger or bitterness you may feel for sins done to you. Truth brought to light brings healing. Confession is good for the soul. By doing this, you are showing a dependence on Jesus as Healer, because through the Holy Spirit, any grievances will be exposed.

Receiving forgiveness starts with repenting for your sins. Tell God about the people involved and the situation. Write or pray how this situation made you feel and how it demands or demanded too much from you. Pray for God to forgive you and for his help to forgive those who have hurt you. Can you forgive yourself for separating yourself from God’s love or from another person’s love?

Request what you need from God. Pray from your knees and see yourself as a daughter asking her father for a favor. Kneeling shows reverence and deference. Asking dissolves self-reliance. What are you asking God for? Do you need him to fill you with his love for people? Do you need love for a person who offended you? Do you need to forgive yourself? One of the gifts we quickly get from quiet days is seeing how God fulfills our requests. Because the person you must forgive failed to meet a need you had, it’s important that you ask God to meet that need. It forces you to name the need.

Write it out. We can live with pockets of guilt and shame for weeks, years, and decades. If you must, write a letter to someone asking for his or her forgiveness or extending forgiveness. I will often write the letter first to read what I need to say and then meet with the person face-to-face.

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