Every day, we encounter people of all sorts in our social lives, in our neighborhoods, through work connections, at sports events, at church, and in organizations we belong to. These are simply people we would call friends or acquaintances. We have lunch with them and see them at parties. And they are also an important part of having the right kind of life. While your Life Team comrades are your deepest commitments, friendships are known by research to be part of longevity, health, and general happiness.
Casuals are low-commitment, enjoyable relationships. They are that neighbor you invite over from time to time for a barbecue and a beer, or that person you have lunch with after church a few times a year. They are those people whose kids are on the same sports teams as yours. Look at it as some combination of “for,” mutuality, and chemistry on an informal level.
I have a great casual friend whose world, career, and worldview are very different from mine. He has no real idea of what I do. I know a little of his business. But we like each other. We get together for a meal when we think of it. I doubt seriously if he would ever come close to reading one of my books. We talk about faith matters and discuss religion from time to time. This could not be considered a Life Team relationship or even a close friend. But when I leave a meeting, I always feel pretty energized and happy, and I hope he feels the same way. I haven’t asked him.
Casuals can be very important relationships. Casual friends serve several good purposes for you, and you for them.
Living in the present. There are three periods of time: past, present, and future. We can’t live in the past; we are only to learn and grow from it. We can’t live in the future; we can only plan well for it. God designed us to spend most of our time living in the present, where we can engage in life and make important choices.
Unfortunately, we are an anxious species. With all of the distractions and concerns of life, we tend to get lost in obsessing about yesterday or tomorrow and miss out on today. We forget to be present and mindful of the world that God has given us, right here and right now.
That also applies to nutrients. Relational nutrients can be transferred only in the present, not in the past and not in the future. If you have a vitamin deficiency today, you can’t travel to your past in a time machine and take nutrients to prevent the deficiency. Nor can you go to the future and take nutrients and hope they will be effective retroactively. It’s all about the now.
That is a great advantage of casuals. They help us to be here and now, in the present. We can watch life go by with a casual and talk about not much at all and come away feeling that we are more ourselves. A good casual friendship helps keep us in balance, away from too much ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
Differences can be good. When our casuals have different personalities, opinions, styles, values, and tastes, we are better off. Our brain craves experiences that are new and unique and stretch us. They expand our neural network, making new connections. We learn and improve. I have a casual friend who loves weird music, at least weird to me. He plays songs from a huge variety of sources, many from other countries. It keeps me from pigeonholing myself.
A farm team. Your close friends are certainly a source for finding Life Team members. But so are your casuals. Keep your eyes open when you are with them. Look for an opportunity to attune to their lives, and give them an opportunity to respond to your vulnerabilities. I have seen people find Life Team members among their casuals, like a nugget of gold they discovered that they had no idea was there.
Initiative. Finally, casuals keep us reaching out. We live in a culture nowadays in which so many people don’t know their neighbors, the person a few offices down the hall, or the individual next to them in church. Unfortunately, in our society, we can pretty much insulate ourselves from ever having to take initiative to meet new people. With texting, great internet programming, Amazon, and meal delivery, you really don’t have to get out of your cocoon. Life is just structured that way. But your brain and your world do better when you develop casuals. And most of them won’t introduce themselves to you, for the same reason that you aren’t introducing yourself. It won’t happen until someone takes the first step.
When Barbi and I moved to our present home years ago, we wanted—as social beings—to be good neighbors. Even though we were the new kids on the block, we felt a responsibility to reach out. Fortunately, we like hosting and parties, so we invited our neighbors to different events at the house. We have found that we are surrounded by wonderful people whom we love to be with. It’s worth extending an invitation.