The fruit of a tree cannot exist suspended in air. It rests on and is supported by the trunk. One of the main functions of the trunk is to transport nutrients upward to supply the fruit with what is necessary for growth. The trunk must be strong enough to keep the elements and disease out and to help the tree stand upright in weather. In the path of growth, the trunk is your character, performing the same functions.
When we think of the word character, it brings to mind aspects such as honesty and moral fiber. We think of people who are truthful and upright. However, there is another meaning of character, which, while it includes honesty and uprightness, is more broadly about our internal life and how it expresses itself. Here is my definition: character is that set of capacities required to meet the demands of reality. Reality dictates how we use our time and energy, laying out our responsibilities to follow God, be kind to others, solve problems and challenges, make a living, handle our finances well. These are simply the requirements of life.
To meet these common demands and be successful, we must equip ourselves with the necessary capacities to get the job done. A surgeon must be equipped with the knowledge and skill to operate on her patient. Knowledge and skill are her capacities. Without them, she would not be competent in her task.
And generally speaking, our life’s success or lack of success often depends on how well our character capacities are working, how strong and developed they are. The Greek word for character in Romans 5:3–4—“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope”—can be translated as “experience.” As we grow and develop through tough times, we become experienced in life, relationships, tasks, and obstacles. An experienced person is an equipped person, ready to tackle life.
You will find this definition underlying most of my books and the books that Dr. Henry Cloud and I write, as it is foundational to an understanding of how people grow and succeed personally and professionally.
We all need the four quadrants of nutrients (which we will cover in the next section) applied to each of the four character capacities that form the trunk of character. These capacities are bonding, boundaries, reality, and capability.
1. Bonding. This is the ability to have deep, healthy, meaningful relationships with God and people. Another, more technical description is “need-based attachment.” Bonding is much more than having friends, though all good friendships have bonding. It is being able to express vulnerability with one another and meet each other’s needs. People who can be open, trusting, and vulnerable with others and can elicit openness, trust, and vulnerability from others are able to navigate the world of relationships more competently. They live in the atmosphere of love and connection. Jesus said, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12). Those who have a hard time in this area tend to struggle in love, romance, family, and work relationships.
2. Boundaries. This is your capacity to know what is and what is not yours to own or take care of. We have only so much time, energy, and resources, so we need to know what to say yes to and what to say no to. We need to know where others end and we begin. And we need to know how to approach others to confront issues in direct but caring ways. This is the essence of all of my Boundaries books, and it can be summarized in Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” People who have a healthy capacity in the area of boundaries are able to guard their hearts—their values, thoughts, feelings, and choices. Those who have a weak boundaries capacity often struggle with going too far in taking responsibility for the hearts of others, which is called codependency or enabling.
3. Reality. Reality is best described as what is or what exists. There are two types of reality: positive and negative. Positive reality is what we all want: positive outcomes, positive relationships, and positive thinking. Negative reality—loss, failure, sin, brokenness—is more difficult to deal with. Not only that, but negative reality has three components: the negative aspects of ourselves, the negative aspects of others in our lives (someone treating you poorly or judging you unfairly), and the negative aspects of the world at large (global poverty and disease).
People who can live with both the positives and the negatives are able to let go of their losses, learn from their failures, and move on. They live in forgiveness with others. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). Those who have a hard time in this capacity try to avoid negative reality through perfectionism (trying too hard never to make a mistake), self-condemnation (negative self-talk after failure), blaming others, or just trying to think positive and ignore half of reality!
4. Capability. This capacity is about being prepared to function in the world of adults. It encompasses the ability to be on mutual ground with other grownups, rather than relating as an approval-seeking child, a reactive adolescent, or a controlling parent. It involves learning what your gifts and talents are, and your mission and life’s purpose, in which you express those talents. It provides a persevering stick-to-it work ethic. And it has to do with a healthy perspective on sexuality.
Individuals who are mature in these areas have the ability to make success in life happen and can move into love, marriage, career, and service to others. “Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults” (1 Cor. 14:20). Those who struggle here often have trouble in navigating mature relationships and being fulfilled in their careers.
THE TRUNK NEEDS SUPPORT TO SUPPORT THE FRUIT
You can easily see how a strong trunk, able to convey the necessary nutrients, contributes to healthy fruit, and how the reverse is true. A client of mine, Danielle, who had some deficits in the boundaries capacity, had great difficulty saying no to Lauren, her adult daughter. Lauren was a young wife and mother who called or texted her mom at least once a day, and often more, with marriage and parenting challenges. As a dutiful mother, Danielle thought it was her job to support, encourage, and advise her daughter. In effect, however, she was staying in the role of Lauren’s life support system. Though she wasn’t cooking her meals or checking her homework, Danielle was keeping Lauren from taking ownership of developing her own relational support system.
The problem was that the more Danielle supported, the more Lauren asked for, as she was becoming more and more dependent on her mom’s warmth and wisdom rather than relying on her friends or herself. And who wouldn’t, really? Mom is the one who knows you and accepts you, and you don’t have to explain yourself a lot for her to understand you.
To Danielle’s chagrin, she began to feel resentful of her own daughter. She told me, “I love Lauren, but I’m starting to dread seeing her texts, because I know it will be another long conversation about her problems, and I’m getting burned out.” That is a clear example of a bad people fruit, caused by a weak boundaries capacity. No one should feel that way about one’s adult child.
I said, “Let’s realize first that you are contributing to your burnout, because you are Lauren’s first responder, like the firemen who enter a blazing house. She comes to you with her struggles before she does the leaving and cleaving that the Bible teaches, because you are much easier to bring into her world. You have known her from birth, you are warm, she trusts you, you are patient and considerate with her rambling, and you have great answers. When I’m having challenges, I’d like to call you too!”
She said, “Okay, that’s probably true. What do I do?”
“Here is a simple fix that will begin solving the issue. Tell Lauren, ‘I’m now number four. I need for you to call three of your close friends with your struggles before you bring me into it. I think most of the time, you and your friends will support each other and come up with solutions. But I’m around if your conversations with them don’t help.’”
Danielle tried it, and Lauren said, “I don’t have any friends who are as helpful as you.”
Danielle had the wherewithal to say, “Maybe it’s time for you to find some great friends. I’m happy to help you brainstorm who that might be.”
It was weird between the two of them for a while, but in time the stress in their relationship, and Danielle’s helicopter parenting fatigue, resolved.
Here’s a simple formula: strong trunk, great fruit; weak trunk, struggling fruit. That is why, when psychologists describe a person’s underlying issues, they refer to “character structure problems.” It is the same understanding. (For a more in-depth view of these four capacities, please refer to my book Hiding from Love and Henry Cloud’s book Changes That Heal.)
However, every tree must have access to the right nutrients for any of this to work. The ground must be fertile with good and healthy ingredients (recall the worker’s offer to “dig around” and “fertilize” the soil). And that leads us to the last aspect of the Growth Tree, the soil.