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It was Thursday. Finally. Just one more night and Libby would be back in her preferred position. Underneath Zach. Not that she’d been counting down the days or anything. That would be crazy.
Then take your lying ass to the nearest mental health facility and check yourself in pronto, bitch.
God, she really frigging hated her inner voice sometimes. She was such a hater.
The day had not started well. This morning, in a moment of madness and possible sleep deprivation, Libby had texted Zach and said the worst thing she could possibly say. She told him that she liked him.
Talk about giving the guy mixed messages!
Yes, it was a stupid thing to say. Even if she did mean it. And yes, she was the one who’d been adamant about keeping things between them as casual as possible. So, it was definitely going to confuse the hell out of him. But it was out there now, and she couldn’t take it back.
Anyway, from what she could tell by his reply, Zach didn’t seem too fazed by the admission.
Zach: I like you too, princess and I miss you. Just hold on one more day and I promise to make up for all the time we’ve spent apart.
Libby continued to scroll through their messages as she sat in her home office. Well, it wasn’t so much an office as it was her spare room. With the fancy new desk she’d treated herself to and a wooden chair she’d brought up from the kitchen.
That reminds me. Must buy office chair.
A vibration brought her attention back to the phone in her hands.
Zach. He was ringing her. Why was he ringing her? Denial was so much easier via text. Oh God. Back were the butterflies. She hesitated a moment before answering.
“Hey?”
“Hi, princess.”
“So, uh, um, what’s up?” Smooth.
His reply began with that charismatic chuckle she loved so much. “Am I making you nervous, baby?”
“No.” Maybe.
This was insane. The man had seen her naked, for God’s sake, and she was acting as if she was a kid with a crush.
Another laugh greeted her one-word reply.
Great. She was so freaking transparent.
“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna try and get another ‘I like you’ out of you.” Goddamnit. “I just wanted to call and tell you that I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. And to tell you not to cook. I’m gonna pick up food on my way over. I don’t want you lifting a finger tomorrow night; I need you to keep your energy saved for ... other things.”
So much warmth was coming from her cheeks, she was pretty sure she could heat the whole damn house. There was certainly no denying her body’s reaction to him. Or his words. No matter how much she wanted to. The only saving grace from this whole conversation was that it was over the phone, and he couldn’t see her. Or what he was doing to her.
Fake it till you make it.
“Okay, okay, very funny. First of all, you tell me you like me all the time, so let’s not make a big deal out of me saying it back, okay? And secondly, who says I was planning on cooking for you? That’s a little presumptuous.”
“And?”
“And what?” she asked.
“And ... what about the last thing I said? Don’t you want to school me on that too?” She didn’t miss the amusement in his voice.
“Well, now that you mention it, shouldn’t you be the one saving up all your energy? I mean, you’re the one whose been doing twelve-hour shifts for the past few days.” She couldn’t hold back a smile as she spoke. “Something like that could really tire a guy out. And, y’know, I’d hate to be disappointed.”
“Princess,” he warned, only making her smile grow wider. “When have I ever disappointed you? Huh? Did I disappoint you when I had to cover your mouth to stop you from screaming at the station? Or when I put you over my knee and—”
“Zach!” Talk about taking things to a whole other, embarrassing level. “Oh my God. I can’t believe you— Please tell me you’re not around people right now?”
The man just laughed. For a long time. While Libby buried her head in her hands, annoyed. And a little turned on. Which only made her more annoyed.
“I’m sorry.” Sorry, he was not. “I’m not near anyone, you don’t need to worry about that. Ever. Trust me. I’m too much of a jealous bastard to let anyone hear about our sex life. It’s yours and mine alone, baby.”
That was a relief at least. But she really did need to get off the phone before she had a stroke. This conversation was not good for her nerves.
As long as you’re not being dramatic.
“Well, thanks for the heart attack. Good talk. I’m gonna go back to work now.”
“Wait.” Libby ignored the lump in her throat. “I really am looking forward to seeing you. I’ve missed you. And I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you since I left you in bed on Tuesday morning.”
Why? Why did he have to go and melt her insides like that? And make her miss him even more than she already did. Especially when she already missed him a lot. Like, a stupid amount.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Zach.”
“See you tomorrow, princess.”
***
Three weeks later, and the relationship between Libby and Zach had intensified. The sex had only gotten better. Which was really saying something, because it was pretty damn good to begin with. The bond between them had also grown. Which was slightly concerning, all things considered.
Now it was the weekend and for the first time in a long time, she felt lost. Since she’d been hooking up with Zach, they’d spent every weekend together. Actually, they’d spent all four of his days off together for weeks, even if some of those days were technically her workdays. But this weekend he was working. Which meant she wouldn’t be seeing him until Monday night.
This was a new feeling for Libby. She’d spent her whole life alone. And that was okay, because she preferred it that way. She liked her own company, and it was definitely easier than dealing with other people. Sure, she’d had friends. People she occasionally hung out with. But the truth was, until she met Cat, she’d never really been that close to another person, apart from her mother.
Now, not only did she have Cat, but she also had Zach and Rachel. So, naturally, she blamed her newfound connections for this new emotion bubbling inside of her. An emotion that felt something like loneliness. She’d been so distracted by actual social plans since she’d arrived in Woodvalley that now she didn’t have any, she literally didn’t know what to do with herself.
Some kind of introvert you are.
If her subconscious didn’t like that, it really wasn’t going to like what she was about to do next. Pushing up from the couch, she went in search of her phone, which she eventually found on the kitchen counter. Scrolling straight to Rachel’s name, she quickly wrote out a text.
Libby: Hey! You working today? Need any help?
At this point, she didn’t care if she sounded desperate. She was. As she waited for that familiar ding, she used the time to make herself another coffee.
It wasn’t until Libby had sat back down with her drink that her phone chimed with a reply.
Rachel: Hey, sugar, let me guess – Zach’s at work?
Libby: Maybe. Does that make me a horrible friend?
Rachel: No, it makes you human. Come on down, there’s a lemon biscuit cupcake with your name on it.
Libby: :) Yay! I’ll be down in a bit. I actually dreamt I was swimming in a sea made out of cupcakes the other night. It was weird. And probably your fault.
Rachel: Hey, don’t put your crazy on me, girl. Now get your ass over here, I need some help decorating a batch of cookies.
She didn’t have to ask her twice. Cake and cookies. That was Libby’s idea of a good time. Introvert or not.
***
After a quick change and an even quicker drive, Libby arrived at Fairy Baked. Greeted with a big hug from her new friend, she had to admit hanging out with Rachel was better than binge watching The Bachelor.
“Damn, girl, you’re glowing!” Rachel giggled as she walked them both back behind the counter.
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about. Your I’m getting some on the regular glow.”
“Stop!” Unable to hide her smile, Libby's protest was weak at best. “Are we really gonna go there? I’ve been here, like, two seconds!”
“Oh, we’re going there.” Rachel shot a brief glance in her direction, a hint of mischief in her eye. “I want all the dirty details. And I want them now.”
Rachel came to a standstill at the small prepping area behind the counter and passed Libby an icing pen. It looked like Libby was being put straight to work.
“I’m not sure this is the time or the place to tell you about my sex life.”
Her friend simply scoffed. “Look around, sugar. Ain’t nobody here. Which makes this the perfect time and place. Plus, you owe me. I’ve graciously allowed Zach Evans to hog my new friend for more than a month without so much as a complaint.”
Oh dear. She really was bad at this whole friend thing. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
“Oh no, I’m joking! Don’t look so sad.” Rachel’s hand went to Libby’s arm. “I’m not mad, I swear. I think Zach’s great. I think you and Zach are great. I’m happy for you. I’m just a super nosy bitch, that’s all.”
Giggles ensued, a reminder of just why she’d gotten so close to Rachel so quickly. It was impossible not to have a good time when she was around. Ten minutes with this woman and she’d cheer anyone up. Libby was lucky she’d found her.
“Okay, well, in that case,” Libby conceded, “I guess filling you in on what’s been happening is the very least I can do.”
“Damn straight.”
As they chatted and decorated, Libby tried and failed to answer Rachel’s questions without going a deep shade of red. They were only interrupted once by a customer, who luckily didn’t overhear anything and had just missed the rather enthusiastic re-enactment of the fire station scene.
Now they were onto more serious topics. Ones that shouldn’t be discussed without alcohol. Which was exactly what she told Rachel.
It was already close to closing time, so her friend made a snap decision to shut up shop then commenced to drag Libby into the back. Once she’d gotten comfy on one of the stools, a bottle of Jack Daniels was magically placed in front of her.
Libby looked up to find Rachel grinning and looking awfully pleased with herself. “Ready to talk now?”
One healthy glug later and Libby supposed she was as ready as she’d ever be. “Okay. Let’s get this over with.”
“It’s not about getting this over with,” Rachel said. “You’re letting your past affect your future and we need to talk about it. You ever thought maybe putting it all out there might help you move on from it?”
“I’m perfectly aware of how fucked up I am. Trust me.” Libby sighed. “But a lifetime of being scared of relationships isn’t gonna be solved by me sitting here and whining about my mom’s awful taste in men.” Okay. Even she could hear the bitterness in her voice.
Rachel didn’t say anything. She just gave her that look. The one that said, “Do you hear yourself right now?”
She relented. “Fine. I’ll try. Okay?”
“Okay,” her friend agreed, as she hid her smile behind her glass.
One more sip for courage.
“Look, my mom was all I had. All I ever knew. I didn’t have a dad. My mom’s family weren’t in the picture, other than my aunt. And even then, visits were few and far between. So, it was always just me and my mom against the world.” Her eyes had already begun to swell. This was exactly why she didn’t talk about her mom. “But ... I guess I wasn’t always enough for her. She needed a man. Any man. She couldn’t function without one. It was almost like an addiction for her. I watched her go from man to man and every time she broke up with someone, we moved. Literally moved to a new town.”
“Wow.”
“Yep. And before you say anything, I’m well aware of the connection between me moving around, too. But you have to understand, growing up like that, you look at places differently. A place is just a place. Not a home. That’s why it’s so easy for me to pick up and move now. Because it’s second nature to me.”
“Yeah.” Rachel paused, looking thoughtful. “That, and unlike most people, you never had a place to call your home.”
That did it. The floodgates opened. Her makeup definitely wasn’t going to survive. As soon as the first tear hit the stainless-steel counter, Rachel’s hands were clinging onto hers. Squeezing and anchoring her.
“Yeah, I guess there was that too.” Libby let out a short, humourless laugh. “Maybe we should focus on one issue at a time or God knows how long we’ll be here. We only have one bottle of whiskey.”
The air grew lighter as they exchanged a sad smile.
“You’re right,” Rachel easily agreed. “We’ll put a pin in the moving thing and save it for another drunken day.”
“I wasn’t always anti-relationships,” Libby continued. “I actually grew up watching a lot of Disney. I loved it. All of it. The singing, the critters, the happily ever after. I was obsessed.” She thought back to the old tapes she used to watch on repeat. “I think that’s why, even after seeing men come and go, I still had hope. For a long time, I really believed my mom just hadn’t found her prince yet. She was just still in that part of the story before she meets him. You know, like the really awful part of the movies when the princess is ready to give up?”
Rachel flashed her another sad smile. She had a feeling she was going to be getting a few of those tonight. “What changed?”
“When I was nineteen my mom got sick ... I was at college at the time. My mom was shacked up with Mike.” Libby paused for a moment to clear her throat. “I still remember that phone call. Exactly what she said. Word for word. But I was young and dumb, I had no idea how serious it was. It wasn’t until I went down there, a few weeks later, that I understood. Mike was gone, of course. Packed up his bags as soon as she told him.” Her head shook at the memory. “Another one bites the dust.”
Rachel waited patiently as Libby downed her drink. If she just focused on the heat burning a path down her throat, there was a chance she would get through this without falling apart.
“The doctor basically gave her six months.” Libby’s voice cracked. “Insurance didn’t cover end of life care, so I stepped in. Spoke to my college. Deferred a year, and moved back in with her.”
“Oh, sugar.”
“You know what she was most upset about though? Mike. Fucking Mike. Not the cancer. Not the fact she only had six damn months to live. Not that her daughter would be losing her mother at nineteen years old. Motherfucking Mike.” All the anger she’d been holding in for so long started to spill. “She cried every day for him, while I cried every day for her. I swore right then and there no one would ever have that kind of power over me. And they never have.”
Her story was out there now. Hanging in the air like dead weight. No breakdown, though. That was a win.
The only other person she’d shared her story with was Cat. She never felt safe enough with anyone else. Not until Rachel.
And Zach.
But she wasn’t planning on telling Zach anytime soon. Not any more than he already knew anyway. It was bad enough she missed him. Throw in some emotional baggage to the mix of what they had, and her heart would certainly be compromised.
Meeting her friend’s pale blue eyes, she knew straight away she wanted to say something. But for some reason Rachel was holding back.
“Say what you want to say. I won’t be offended,” Libby encouraged.
“Okay. But you’re not allowed to be mad at me, okay?” She knew it!
After a nod in agreement, Rachel continued.
“It sounds to me like you made a very big, life-changing decision that you likely never would have made had you not been grieving. You were nineteen, you lost your mom, and you were suddenly all alone in the world, right? But instead of using your emotional energy to deal with that, it kinda sounds like you fixated on what happened with Mike. How he left. How your mom dealt with him leaving. And most importantly, how she maybe prioritised him over you.”
Yeah. And?
“It hurt. It still hurts. How can you do that to your own kid?”
Maybe she’d celebrated not having a breakdown too soon. Because the tears were definitely back, and they weren’t showing any signs of stopping.
Rachel was out of her seat and rounding the counter a second later. Before long, Libby was sobbing in her arms, a lifetime of pain pouring out of her in floods. All she could do was let it all out and hope it would eventually stop.