Issue 9
WEATHER FORECAST
Showers will hold off until closing time when the skies will open on the drunken masses. Enjoy!
Fyffes and Chiquita merger brings end to violent ‘banana wars’
PHALLIC FRUIT MARKET to see ease in tensions following announcement of merger.
It was the merger the fruit-loving world was waiting for as Fyffes and Chiquita finally put long-standing differences aside to merge. The much-publicised deal comes after years of bad blood between the companies who have been hell-bent on gaining market superiority. Fyffes and Chiquita broke off all diplomatic ties in the early 1990s, resulting in global tensions and causing several hundred killings that drew worldwide condemnation.
Banana expert Barry Logan explained all to WWN. ‘As consumers we just don’t realise the bloodshed that comes about as a result of our demand for bananas. The “banana wars” saw both companies try to steal patents, banana experts and, in some of the worst cases, actual bananas.’
Logan, the author of a number of ‘banana wars’ books, went on to detail the crimes perpetrated by each company. ‘Fyffes had the patent for the straightest banana, then of course Chiquita poured millions into researching how to make banana-eaters feel less shameful about eating a phallic-shaped fruit in public. It’s a great day for banana-based peace, if you forget about all the people who were murdered.’
News of the merger has been welcomed by the majority of the world, but there are some people who have doubts.
‘That’s great and everything but who is going to replace my leg,’ shared ex-Fyffes worker Fred Coulter. ‘When we brought out our “five times better” slogan, we knew there would be reprisals from Chiquita, and as luck would have it the bomb they placed was under my car. Still haven’t seen any compensation,’ concluded the frustrated ex-employee.
Fyffes and Chiquita announced the construction of a 500-foot-tall monument to mark their reconciliation and to remember those lost in the violent struggle.
The monument will depict a banana being peeled, in a very non-suggestive manner, thanks to the extensive research carried out by Chiquita in the mid-1990s.
Teenager catches her death in that thing
TRAGEDY STRUCK a close-knit community in the capital yesterday following the death of 16-year-old student Clara Hegarty.
WWN has learned that Clara, from the leafy Dublin suburb of Stillorgan, defied her father, who had pleaded with her not to wear ‘that thing’ because he feared she would catch her death.
The transition year student was later found frozen to a bus stop bench where she had been waiting for friends, only 200 metres from the family home.
‘If I told her once, I told her a thousand times,’ her father Noel told WWN, holding back the tears. ‘You know the last thing I said to her? “So that’s what passes for clothes these days, is it?” And that was it, she was gone out the door.’
WWN understands that Clara left her home at 6.30 p.m. yesterday evening and was last seen wearing what she claimed was a skirt, but was ‘more like a belt’, and a top that her father pointed out was ‘no bigger than a handkerchief’.
Thousands of Irish teenagers are believed to ignore warnings from their parents on the dangers of not ‘wrapping up’ in cold, mild or even warm conditions.
Clara’s mother Joanne hopes her daughter’s story will encourage other girls to dress more appropriately for the weather.
‘Our Clara thought she was invincible. We tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t listen – we put it down to us being out of touch. When I think back now we regularly let her go out of an evening with her arse out for the world to see. A tragedy like this must never happen again,’ the distraught mother told WWN.
Clara is not believed to be the first teenager to catch her death in that thing but it is hoped this sad news will serve as a warning to other teenagers.
Gardaí who were on the scene have sent out a warning to parents of teenage girls. ‘We see it every day, going out in “that thing” is a recipe for disaster with many teenagers taking their life in their hands. We urge parents to enforce the “below the knee” and “no belly showing” policy that has served us so well over the years.’
Cork lad thinks about Cork every three seconds
CONAL LYNCH, a proud Cork native, struggled to concentrate in work this afternoon, WWN can exclusively reveal.
Sitting on the third floor, looking out over Harcourt Street in the Nation’s capital, Conal thought to himself, ‘It’s, no Princes Street’.
The 26-year-old accountant found himself growing ever more restless throughout his working day, his head filled with thoughts of a drive out to Inchydoney, a Café Gusto sandwich and a pint in The Bodega.
To the untrained eye, it appeared that Conal was doing a solid day’s work but upon closer inspection it could be seen that, just beneath his ashenfaced silence, Conal was obsessing over his native Cork at a rate of once every three seconds.
When a co-worker asked if Conal wanted to go out for lunch, he responded, ‘Yeah, of Cork… eh, I mean, of course,’ such was the Cork-shaped fog surrounding his brain.
This all-consuming fixation rendered him use less to his co-workers, as he stared longingly at his screensaver – the Cork coat of arms. The effect of being so engrossed in all things Cork while stuck up in Dublin is akin to the effect of a mild stroke, with Conal bereft of movement and stuck in a dangerous inert state.
As his will to live in Dublin visibly drained from him, he reached the momentous decision that he was going to take the Friday off and make a real weekend out of it back home.
PETA calls for Patrick’s Day boycott over saint’s history of reptile abuse
PEOPLE for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has called for a worldwide ban on Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations due to the missionary’s past history with snakes in Ireland.
The animal rights group said the patron saint was nothing more than a ‘sadistic reptile-hater’ who took pleasure in killing animals in the name of religion.
In a 300-page document released today, PETA demanded that the fifth-century bishop be denounced by the Catholic church over his history of snake abuse, which totally eradicated the defenceless reptile from the island for good.
‘Saint Patrick was to snakes what McDonalds are to cows,’ read the statement, which was published on the PETA website earlier today. ‘What he did was genocide – killing millions of beautiful creatures for his own political gain.
‘As People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, we ask the good people of the world to boycott this farce of a celebration. Patrick was a man who “got off” on killing harmless animals. Irish people around the world should be ashamed of themselves for worshipping such a charlatan. God would never agree to banishing his own creation from any country.’
Saint Patrick’s day 2015 is expected to be celebrated by over one billion people on Tuesday, 17 March. However, many Irish citizens have already vowed to take part in PETA’s boycott of the event, in a bid to raise awareness about the atrocities carried out by the Irish patron saint.
‘I never really thought about it like that,’ said one animal rights campaigner from Dublin. ‘I always knew Saint Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland, but I never asked myself how he did it.’
It is estimated that the British-born Christian slaughtered over 300,000 reptiles in his thirty years on the island, from 432 to 461AD.
Waterford woman needs a lend of two euros for the bus
MOTHER OF NONE Janet Harris approached yet another stranger today in a city centre car park requesting a ‘lend of two euros’ for the bus home, it has been reported.
Ms Harris, who has been desperately trying to raise the price of the fare for the past three months, was again told to move on by a shopping centre security guard, but she refused point-blank.
‘It’s a free country,’ she shouted, before spitting on the ground in front of him. ‘Fuck off and mind your own business, ya fucking pig bastard ya.’
It is not known exactly how much money she still needs to raise for the ticket, but staff members at the shopping centre believe it could well be hundreds of euros.
‘She must be getting the Eurolines bus to Berlin or something,’ said Teresa Power, who runs a local beauty salon. ‘In the last three weeks I’m after giving her at least thirty euros alone. Hopefully she’ll make the fare soon enough. The weather hasn’t treated her well either. She looks wrecked.’
Shoppers at the centre have come to know Ms Harris personally over the last three months, stating she’s ‘a bit of a character at the back of it all’.
‘She seems sound enough. She only ever looks for two euros,’ said one pensioner, who admitted to regularly giving her money. ‘I wouldn’t blame her for not thumbing a lift home; there are some dodgy people out there these days.’
One man speculated that Ms Harris may not actually be saving the money for her bus fare at all, but might be spending it on ‘her love for spoons’ instead.
‘I spotted her in a café asking for spoons last week,’ he recalled. ‘I bet she is one of those hoarders who spends all her time and money collecting spoons. The poor dear.’
If you would like to make a donation to Ms Harris, she can be located at any car park paystation in Waterford city.
Future serial killer beginning to tire of her parents’ bullshit
FUTURE SERIAL KILLER Rachel O’Dowd is really starting to tire of her parents’ bullshit.
Rachel, aged six, is struggling with the basic concept of empathy and she’s not being helped in the slightest by her parents’ implementation of ‘rules’, ‘showing respect’ and ‘bedtime’. In the end, it was the whole ‘play nice’ concept that finally sealed her parents’ fate.
While Rachel’s drawings, show a growing fascination with the maiming of her father, she is still not entirely sure who to kill first. She is, however, quite sure that if she isn’t allowed ice cream before her dinner this, evening she will begin looking for a good place to bury the bodies.
Rachel’s parents have been continually belittling her in front of other people, often bringing up details of her, personal life she doesn’t want shared.
‘Well, yeah, she is still wetting the bed, poor girl,’ Rachel’s mother was overheard saying on the phone to God-knows-who.
The final straw for Rachel was being told to go to bed at 8 p.m. as ‘mummy and daddy have to go to bed too’ but as she lay in bed she could clearly hear her parents watching all the Iron Man movies back-to-back.
Lifestyle
How to get the Marty Whelan look
Do you desire the attention of young single women while also craving the acceptance and admiration of your fellow man? Well then look no further than WWN’s latest fashion instalment which seeks to bring you closer to the wanton glamour and devil-may-care bosom of RTÉ legend Marty Whelan.
It goes without saying that any urban female between the ages of 16 and 79 has had impure thoughts about the Nation’s sexiest piece of man meat, Marty Whelan. But, if you can’t be with Marty (sorry ladies, he’s spoken for) why not be him? That’s right, Waterford Whispers News has all the ‘deets’ on how to look like Ireland’s greatest walking wet dream, the Big M, aka Marty Whelan.
Marty – or Dr Love as he is commonly known – is believed to shop in a variety of pricey boutiques in Dublin, chief among them Dunnes Stores and Marks and Spencer.
Yes, to best resemble Big M you’re going to have to splash out but any price is a worthy price when the results could see you bed a woman after several months of courting and a concrete proposal of marriage.
Shoes
Slip-on shoes are Marty’s choice du jour – you’ll feel like you’re walking on air but really it’s just generic cotton from the heart of a Bangladeshi sweatshop. Marty wears a size 5 but you should of course go with whatever feels comfortable for you. Dunnes, €19.99.
Trousers
Or ‘slacks’ as Big M calls them. Beige corduroy is your only man if that man is Marty Whelan. Old, reliable, beige slacks have never let Marty down. Yes, they stand no chance against red wine but they provide generous shadowing on the crotch area, thus providing the perfect conversation piece. The salesperson will try to talk you out of buying the ‘slim fit’ option. Don’t listen – Marty didn’t and just look at him. Marks and Spencer, €34.99.
Shirt
Stripes prove slimming for many people but in Marty’s case they have the additional function of drawing your eye away from his third ear. You hadn’t noticed that, had you? Stripes really work and Marty’s preferred stripe colour is baby blue. This shirt says, ‘Why yes, it is business time but should I choose, at a moment’s notice, to jump in a taxi and go cruising the car parks of the coast road I would not appear out of place.’ There is simply no better shirt. It is the Everest of shirts and if that sounds too dramatic for you, simply choose a less dramatic mountain peak, such as the Sugar Loaf. Marks and Spencer, €31.
Socks
Marty’s customised ‘MW’ initialled socks are under lock and key but if your name is something like Michael Ward or Meabh Watkins and you own your own pair of initialled socks, they will serve as a suitable substitute.
Hair/moustache
While Marty has vowed never to reveal his moustache secrets, WWN’s spies have the inside track on the hirsute Hercules’ regime. To foster growth and thickness Big M smothers his lip-warmer in pig’s fat and ensures that the room he sleeps in is at a cool 13 degrees. We cannot stress enough the importance of the temperature. Black market pig’s fat usually retails at €12.99 per kilo.
Additional
To complete the look, there is one final thing any self-respecting Whelanite must do: Marty sets five minutes aside each night to recite, directly into a mirror, the inspiring and very appropriate ‘If’ by literary great Rudyard Kipling.
If you can follow the advice above you will almost certainly achieve as much as 16 per cent of the life success of Marty Whelan.
Facebook to launch ‘Hide X Factor posts’ setting
Facebook has announced that it will introduce a brand new setting that will allow users to automatically hide friends’ X Factor-related comments and posts, turning the social network into a more desirable destination on the web.
Founder Mark Zuckerberg announced the new setting as part of Facebook’s ‘Stamping Out Stupidity’ campaign at the company’s annual conference on 21 September.
Zuckerberg is expected to expand on the new feature in the coming months, introducing other categories such as, ‘Man United fan posts on Sundays’, ‘Hangover posts’, ‘I’ve been to the gym today posts’ and the ‘I’m drunk on my own in the house so I’ll post my favourite YouTube music videos for the best part of the early morning’ posts.
Sources say Facebook’s 750 million users will also be able to automatically hide drunken or misspelled posts from friends and family members. This new filter will no doubt be a driving force in the regeneration of the written language.
While the world’s most popular social network has stated that it wants users to have complete control of their news feeds, Zuckerberg emphasises that the best way to totally erase idiocy from your Facebook is to delete your idiot friends.
‘There is only so much we can do about stupidity. We can give you the tools, but it’s really up to users to choose their friends carefully. The new settings will only hide specific posts and comments related to a certain subject. It will not hide plain stupidity,’ he said at the conference. ‘However, we are working on that one here in the USA, where we have plenty of test subjects to choose from.’
Diary of a JobBridge intern
WEEK 15
Monday
Finally got my cast off. Haven’t had the time to pop into the hospital. When I rang them today the nurse laughed and said I probably should have had it taken off weeks ago. Everyone in the office had a go at breaking it off, it was gas. Have a bit of a limp from their kicks. Will be back to normal in no time.
Friday
Ciara organised an office party for the launch of the new business supplement – Wolf of Wall Street theme. Not sure she ‘got’ the movie but anyway, there’s one part in it where they throw a midget dressed as a dart at a target. Ciara told me to dress up as the dart.
Really didn’t want to but everyone told me to be a good sport. First couple of throws were funny, but Niall isn’t that coordinated so ended up throwing me into the printer, by accident I think. Limp’s getting worse now. Asked if I could have the day off tomorrow but Richard said someone needed to clean up all the evidence of cocaine use.
Sunday
Leg is sore. Took a swig from Terry’s alcohol stash, seemed to ease the pain as I was cleaning. Looked up slave labour again on Wikipedia, finding myself more interested in it, dunno why. Had another cry in the toilets, probably just the lack of sleep getting to me.