27

With Rae

Rae came to see me. It was the first time since I moved, and that was, she admitted, forever ago. But she couldn’t come sooner. She told me that she’s given up on her old friends and went looking for new ones. It’s not in her nature, she said, to just put out her hands and wait for God to drop her special someone down from the sky. You can only find someone if you go looking for them. And now she’s actually found someone.

“An actual person?” I asked, jokingly feigning surprise.

“Yes, a person, an actual person, although he hasn’t graduated yet.”

“Oh, and what does he want to be?”

“An engineer. We met each other at a lecture on birth control and it was love at first sight. But, the trouble is, love isn’t enough. Eventually you have to get married, and that’s where the troll’s waiting under the bridge. He doesn’t want to marry before he graduates and he won’t graduate for another three years. He started his studies older than most. I’d have to wait for three years, supporting his studies. Waiting like that could drive a girl mad! Instead of landing an educated man, I’d have to pay for his education myself.”

“Doesn’t he want to get married now?”

“Well, if that’s what I wanted . . .”

“Do you love him?”

“Oh, what’s love got to do with it?” Rae said, brushing the thought aside with a wave of her hand. “We always fall in love with people who are in love with other women. I like him well enough. I think I could get used to him. But the waiting! With my luck I’ll wait, and in the end, when he graduates, he’ll feel that we’re no longer the same. He’ll wait until that moment to fall for someone else and nothing good can come of it.”

“Is he very young?”

“Younger than me. To top it off, I’m not sure if he’ll be able to stay committed to a long term love affair like I can.”

“Then he certainly can’t commit to spending his whole life with someone!”

“Certainly not!” Rae exclaimed. “But, still, you want things, you can’t help feeling that you should take what little life you have and try to make something of it. Once you start doubting, you become afraid to love at all.”

“Love is stronger than fear.” I smiled sadly. “You can’t take out an insurance policy on it. You have to take risks.”

“Yes, take risks, take risks,” Rae said doubtfully. “That’s the way it is. When the right one comes along, the risk bothers you less.”

She sat with me for a while. She spoke of B. She told me that he’d gotten close to Katya recently. A. gave Katya the boot, so she turned to B. Rae tried to warn her against it. “It’s a shame, for her sake. Sometimes you’re wrong about someone. That’s how he is. He just goes from one to another.”

“Then you don’t think A. loved her?”

“Loved!? You’re such a foolish girl! With you, it’s all about love. He saw an opportunity, that’s all. Now he’s taken up with someone else, a friend of Katya’s, also eccentric, but a little quieter.”

I felt like my heart had fainted and refused to beat anymore. It was pierced by a sharp, nagging pain. The room swayed. I took hold of myself so I wouldn’t give myself away in front of Rae. I felt a need for vengeance. I’ll get even with A. by loving someone else. I’ll freshen up that library acquaintance who’s approached me so many times and make A. believe I love him. Then A.’s ego will suffer. He’ll be amazed that I could be so in love with anyone but him. I’ll get even with him through that impudent pea brain. I’ll use him for revenge and then leave him with nothing. Let A. believe I’m completely in love with him. So there!

I couldn’t get to the library today because of Rae. But I’ll go there tomorrow and begin to play my role in the farce. My nerves are on edge and I can’t just be passive in the face of all this. I have to do something so that I can stop thinking so much about him, the eternal A. I love him, but I hate thinking about him. It hurts too much.

I feel like my head is on fire. Rae’s words keep ringing in my ears: “But a little quieter.” A. hates shrill, vulgar women. He likes the quiet ones. Maybe he’ll carry on his affair with this one so long that he’ll decide to keep on with her forever. And what about me? What will happen to me?