I need to tell Luke first.
Well, I don’t need to.
But I think it’s the best strategy. If telling Dad about who I really am, and what I really want out of my life, is an epically bad idea, then he’ll be able to tell me.
I could just walk into his room and do it.
Rip the Band-Aid and all that.
But it’s Luke. And as much as we don’t see eye to eye on stuff, I love him. I don’t want that to change. If Dad pushes me away, I think I could deal. But if Luke starts to hate me, that would completely and utterly crush me.
I guess that’s the risk I need to take.
It’s been only a day since I met up with Jason, but this is the first time ever where who I am is working. As terrifying as it is to show Luke and Dad who I really am.
I can finish school and then apply for film school in California.
Then I’ll be gone for good.
Until then, though, I want Dad to know I’m stepping away from the family business.
I can’t stop them. Jason was right about that. I can ask Dad to try to make peace with them, but that’s all I can do.
I try to muster up the courage to go to Luke’s room. I’m shaking, it’s that bad. I tell myself that Luke already knows.
He must. Everyone else just thinks I’m bad at the family business, but Luke knows me.
I check the time on my phone. It’s ten to eight.
I’ll do it at eight.
I have ten minutes.
I close my eyes, just thinking. This isn’t something I can ever take back. Once this is out, this will always be out.
Eight minutes left.
Now six. Now two.
Now one.
It’s time.
I sit up. Maybe I don’t need to do this right now. Maybe I could just wait. Maybe …
I stand up and leave my room. I made a deal with myself, and my deals mean something.
Luke’s door is open.
He’s seated at his computer, playing Dota.
“Hey,” I say.
He keeps playing. “What’s up? I’m mid-game, dude, make it quick.”
I can’t do this here, when he’s so distracted.
“I was wondering if you wanted to get burgers?”
“Yeah, order them.”
“No, I mean, do you want to go out and get them?”
“Oh. Um, sure. Just give me ten minutes to destroy these clowns.”
“Sure.”
The next ten minutes pass so slowly.
Finally, Luke rounds the corner and steps into my room.
“Your car or mine?”
“I mean, yours, obviously.”
I do like my car, but there’s a reason he upgraded.
“Shake Shack?” he asks.
“Yes.”
I practically worship at the altar of Shake Shack. So does he.
We drive out onto the highway, and he puts the top down.
I glance at him.
Time feels like it’s sped up. All too quickly, we’ve gone to Shake Shack and ordered our food. Now we’re parked in front of the beach, eating.
“So,” I say. “I want to tell you something.”
“I know.”
“Okay … like, I don’t really need to know where to start. I…”
“You’re gay,” he says.
I nearly drop my shake.
“What?”
“Or are you bi? I can totally see you being bi.”
“I … I mean, I am gay, but that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh.” He grins. “I knew it.”
“Did you?” I ask. “I mean, you’ve always been on my case about girls.”
He eats a french fry. “It’s not a big deal for me, I hope you know that.”
“No, I do.”
“So why’d you make such a big deal about it? You could’ve just been like, ‘Yo, man, I like dudes.’ And I would’ve been like, cool.”
“I know. And if all I was doing is coming out, then I probably would’ve. But there’s more.”
“Oh,” he says, his smile fading. “Okay. What is it?”
“It’s really hard to say. I…”
“Come on, it’s me. You can tell me anything. You saw how well I dealt with you coming out, right?”
I stare forward, out at the ocean. To the side is the city.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what anymore?”
“This life. The family business. I hate it so much, you have no idea.”
He just nods.
“Say something,” I say.
“I mean, I get it. Well, I don’t exactly get it, but we’re different. This is the life for me; I’ve always known that.”
“I’ve always known it’s not,” I say. “I don’t want to live this way.”
“I get that.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, man. Sometimes things just don’t work. If you know it, you know it.”
“But I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you and Dad. That’s not what this is about at all. But what we do … I hate it.”
“Okay,” he says. “I didn’t know it was this bad.”
“It is. This whole time I’ve just wanted it to stop. And I think I’ve realized that it’s never going to.”
“But what about Dad’s plan?”
“What? Mass murder? You don’t think that’s going to have ramifications?”
“Yeah, but—”
“I need to get out. Then maybe apply to school in California. I should go as far away as I can.”
My brother’s eyes spark. “I think you should tell Dad that. If you do, I bet he’ll let you go. Like, right away, too.”
“Really? Why?”
“Just trust me.”
“You don’t think he’ll be mad?”
“Oh, he’ll be furious. But he’s different now, after the shooting. I don’t know—just be honest.”
“Okay, I will.”
Luke puts his burger aside and starts up the engine.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Driving you home so you can do this.”
“There’s no rush, man. I sort of feel like this is nice, hanging out with you. Plus, you know all my secrets now.”
“Huh, I guess that’s true.”
He turns off the engine.
There’s slightly awkward silence.
“So,” he says pointedly. He wants things to go back to normal between us.
I take a bite of my burger. There’s this warm feeling in my chest.
I let Luke know who I really am. If I knew it’d feel this good, I would’ve done it ages ago.