I have Jason’s number now.
And I have no idea what to text him.
I feel like I made yet another mistake when it comes to him. What I should’ve done is put my number in his phone. Or I should’ve texted him something like Hey as soon as I got his number. That way I’d know there’s a chance he could message me.
It’s on me.
It’s been five days, and I still haven’t thought of anything.
I want it to be the perfect message. I want to ask him to do something I know he’ll say yes to, basically. I’m maybe stressing more than I should, because I know how hard it is for me to make friends.
I’m really scared of messing this up, like I have every other time.
Right now, I’m in Dad’s Mercedes, sitting in the passenger seat. He’s driving me to get a new suit tailored, because there’s this big party coming up at the end of the month. It’s a ball for the whole Miller empire, including our allies, so I need a suit that actually fits me. It’s such a big deal that Dad has finally slotted in the time for this outing.
Plus, Jason might be at the ball. So I want to look good.
Because maybe I get a bit of a vibe from him. I dunno. Like, sometimes, I feel like he looks at me in a way that doesn’t feel exactly platonic. It’s too intense for that.
It’s not like it matters. Even if he is gay, what I want right now is a friend. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to about that.
If I have the guts to tell him, that is.
As Dad drives, I look out the window. I have headphones in and am on my playlist. It’s a sort of dreary day today. It’s not raining, but I think it could start at any second. In the distance, I see a fairground. Its candy-colored lights look especially bright against the gray sky.
And that’s it.
That’s how I’ll ask Jason out. To a fair.
But that maybe feels a little too date-y. And I don’t want to freak him out. We’re becoming friends, that’s it. If I were straight, what would I do?
I probably wouldn’t ask him to a fair.
Maybe I’d ask him to come over and hang out. We could play some games or something and eat pizza and stuff. That actually sounds like a dream date to me, but you know, it is also I guess what straight dudes would do to hang out. They might also watch sports, but, ew, no.
For some reason asking him to come over and play games feels off, too.
Dad and Luke know I don’t have any friends.
They’d pay super-close attention if I had a guy over, because I haven’t done it in years. Unless they were out of the house. They do go out most Saturday nights, so most of the time I have the place to myself.
It still doesn’t feel totally right, though. Can I really sneak Jason into my house just so we can hang out? I feel like it’d be a lot safer to go somewhere where we’re less likely to be seen.
This is the loop I’ve been stuck in for a long time. Nothing fits perfectly.
I’m still thinking about it when Dad pulls into the parking bay in front of the tailor’s. I open a message thread to Jason as I get out of the car.
Hey! Was just wondering if you wanted to come over and play some games this weekend? I have Smash Bros and Mario Kart, and my brother has Mortal Kombat.
I like the rushed nature of it. I think it’ll make him think I haven’t thought about it as much as I have.
I hit send as Dad and I walk into the building.
The new suit is black, sleek, and, to be honest, badass. It’ll be delivered in two weeks. Dad was kind of pushy with the tailor, making him guarantee it’d be ready in time for the ball. I wish he’d been nicer, but whatever.
As Dad pays, I sit down and check my phone.
Come on …
I have a new message.
I unlock my phone.
But what about our deal? If I meet your parents, I’ll know who you are.
I feel like he must already. I’m a Miller. We’re one of the two most powerful families in the underworld. If he’s from a family allied to us, he must know who I am. I’m underworld famous. I hate even thinking this, because it feels smug, but I’m sort of a prince, given Dad is our current leader.
I don’t mind you knowing who I am. Why do you care so much?
That feels a little too aggressive, though, so I delete it. He obviously does care about this, and I don’t want to scare him away. This is also confirmation that our deal is continuing, at least for the time being. I change tack:
Not if they’re out of the house. I usually have the place to myself on Saturday nights.
My phone chimes.
Okay. If they’re not there, I’m in.
It’s Saturday night, and Luke still hasn’t left.
Dad has gone to a meeting at the bar. Apparently something big is going down, something he isn’t ready for me to know about yet. All I know about it is Dad told me to be prepared, even though I don’t really know what I should be preparing for.
This is typical. He still thinks I’m too young to know everything.
Most of the time, I don’t want to know.
Anyway, I checked, and I know Luke is going out with his friends from college, a lot of which are his friends from high school. He’s always been popular. I get it; he’s a cool guy, but it bothers me that he’s figured out how to be likable when it’s been so damn hard for me.
Jason is the first person in a long time who seems to like my company.
And he’s coming over tonight. But only if Luke isn’t here.
Which is why I’m so stressed that my brother hasn’t left yet. I swear he doesn’t normally take this long. It’s, like, comical how slow he’s being. He’s currently in the shower, singing “Sweet Caroline.”
Loudly. And terribly.
My phone buzzes in my pocket.
Has he left yet?
Nope. He’s in the shower now. Singing.
Haha! You’re not a fan?
He’s no Beyoncé.
To be fair, nobody is. And that’s promising, right? The showering, not the singing.
Yeah!
Cool. Well, I’m ready to go. Text when your place is free, I’ll head over.
This feels so risky. I know from past experience that Dad and Luke don’t normally come home until really late, and most of the time I’m asleep by then.
But what if they come home early?
Maybe I should just cancel. Bringing Jason into my house feels like a kind of leap I’m not sure I’m ready for.
But I don’t want to cancel. I just don’t want to get caught.
If I told Dad and Luke that I was having a friend over, they probably wouldn’t care. If they asked how I knew him, I could say school. If I said I met him at the bar, I know they’d ask me what family he’s from. And I don’t know the answer to that.
Why is he being so weird about which family he’s from?
Down the hall, I hear the shower shut off. Finally. A few seconds later, Luke walks past. I watch a BuzzFeed Unsolved video as I wait. A few moments later, Luke appears in my doorway. He’s dressed in his usual attire: a well-fitting black shirt, jeans, and his most expensive pair of dress shoes. Dad got them for him.
“Hey, I’m about to head out,” he says.
“Okay, have a good night!”
“You too. Don’t get into too much trouble without me, okay?”
“I never do.”
I hear the door close. Then I wait. I hear a car pull up by our house, I’m guessing his Uber, because he’s planning on drinking. It drives away.
I want to be sure, though, so I go through the house, to the front door. There are glass panels on either side of it, so I look through those, out at the driveway.
The street is empty. Eddie comes up to me. He always sulks whenever Luke leaves. His ears are pressed down, and his tail is hanging limp. I scratch the top of his head, until his tail starts wagging.
“You can keep a secret, can’t you, buddy?”
He nuzzles against my leg. I’ll take that as a yes.
So I text Jason. My heart is seriously pounding.
Hey, guess what?
What?
He’s gone.
The typing bubble appears.
Sweet! I’m on my way.