Bottled-up Feelings
Lauren poured her third serving of coffee and clenched the mug. The heat of the cup against her skin didn’t compare to the burn of humiliation rising from her stomach to her face. She tried to focus on her breathing to keep from dissolving into tears. What the hell just happened? For some reason, when she was around Gabe, her brain kept shutting down, making it impossible to put two coherent words together.
She took a sip of the scalding brew and savored its warmth as it flowed down her throat. Memories of the last time she felt this powerless popped into her thoughts and with it, the all-too-familiar ache in her chest. She slammed the cup on the counter and balled her fists.
No one will ever do that to me again.
A door opened and the pitter patter of tiny paws and the clicking of heels against the hardwood stairs interrupted her thoughts.
“Did I hear the door? What happened to Mr. Hottie?” Sunny asked.
“He’s gone,” Lauren said.
Jack whimpered and rubbed against her legs. He always seemed to know when she wasn’t doing well. Lauren scratched his head.
Sunny squeezed her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
Lauren closed her eyes and tried to stay in control. “Him. You.” She stepped away from Sunny, walked to the living room and sat on the couch. “I told you I didn’t want him in the house. You invited him anyway. I told you I didn’t feel good about this. Instead of respecting what I said, you left me alone with him.”
The sofa dipped when Sunny sat beside her. “I did,” she whispered, tucking a tissue in Lauren’s hand.
She wiped the stray tears away before continuing. “I’ve never judged you for how you handle men or your life. And I’ve always made it clear I’m different.”
“You have.”
Lauren ignored the resignation in her friend’s voice and continued. “Do you know how humiliating this was? You let him believe I was interested. He left here thinking I’d come knocking at his door for sex.”
“Cat, if he did, it’s because it’s obvious you’re attracted to him. What’s the harm in seeing what happens?”
The Kleenex ripped in her hand as she twisted it. “The harm is you pushed something I’m not ready for.”
“Come on, you’ve slammed the door on every single man who’s so much as said hello. How do you know you’re not ready?”
Lauren spoke as calmly as she could. “I get to decide when I’m ready. When I’m attracted to someone and how I want to deal with it. Not you. Not my parents. Not the neighbor.” Her face warmed with emotion. She needed to get away before things she didn’t mean were said and done. She got up and walked to the stairs. “I’m not a child, Sunny. I didn’t work this hard to get this far so you could take over.”
Shoes thudded against the floor as Sunny followed her to the stairs. “Yes, I pushed you. But I’m nothing like your parents. I’ve never pressed you like this before. Give me some credit here.” She moved in front of Lauren and stopped her from climbing the steps. “But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is you’re locking yourself away and hiding from the world.”
Lauren ignored the second part of Sunny’s rant and focused on the first. Although annoyingly inappropriate, Sunny had never pushed a man on Lauren.
“Good point, so what changed?”
“It’s obvious you like him and he likes you. And he’s really really cute,” she stammered.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Waving her away, Lauren climbed the stairs. “So my boundaries and self-respect go out the window because he’s cute?”
Sunny let out a groan and mumbled profanities under her breath. “Okay, wait. There’s more.”
“I don’t want to hear anymore. I can’t think clearly right now.”
“Ben’s back,” Sunny blurted out.
Lauren froze, her chest tightened. The gnawing ache she’d shoved down earlier in the kitchen started up again. “What do you mean…” her throat constricted when she attempted to say his name, “…he’s back?”
“He works for the Denver PD.”
Stunned, Lauren processed the implications of the news. The hurt she’d bottled up in the pit of her stomach erupted, spreading through her. Unshed tears burned her eyes.
No.
No more pain. Not because of him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I ran into him driving around your neighborhood on my way home Tuesday. I was off yesterday and it wasn’t something I wanted to share over the phone so I figured it could wait until I got back today.”
“What difference does it make if he is here?” Lauren said, trying to sound nonchalant and failing pitifully. She gripped the bannister for support. Jack rested his head against the back of her legs. “He’s a cop, Sunny. He patrols neighborhoods. It’s his job. He’s married and has a daughter. You don’t need to worry about him stalking or coming after me.”
Heels clicked against the steps. Sunny grabbed Lauren’s hand and squeezed. “He told me he divorced Hailey. And no, I’m not worried about him stalking you. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a piece of shit for what he did to you, but he’s not crazy. My gut says he’s working up the courage to talk to you and try to get back together.”
The spot between Lauren’s eyebrows started to throb. She pulled her hand away and continued her escape to the bedroom. “So you thought if I slept with the neighbor, maybe knowing Ben’s here wouldn’t hurt me as much?”
“I thought it might keep him away from you.”
Sinking into her bed, she absently rubbed behind Jack’s ears. “You didn’t believe I was capable of keeping my distance without getting laid?”
Sunny sunk in beside her. She rested her cheek on Lauren’s shoulder. “Cat, he hurt you and I was trying to…”
“Keep him from hurting me again. I understand and thank you. But if Ben has as much power over me as you say, do you think my sleeping with the neighbor would have changed anything?”
“I wanted him to see you’d moved on. That you’re better off without him.”
“You don’t really think I am though, do you?” Lauren already knew the answer. She hadn’t been the same since Ben. A part of her stopped living five years ago.
“In some ways you are, but you’ve lost your spark. You’re more serious.”
The pain between her eyes radiated to the back of her head. “When your husband has an affair and chooses his mistress over you…” Lauren’s voice cracked. It was getting harder to keep the tears at bay. “I’m going to take a walk. I need some time to process all this before work.”
“Okay.” Sticky glossed lips pressed against her cheek. “Cat, I love you.”
She smiled. “I love you too.”
Sunny’s feet shuffled against the carpet.
“And Sunny…”
The footsteps stopped.
“I’m not mad at you. I’m just…”
“I know,” Sunny said before she left the room.
As soon as the door shut, the dam broke. Jack climbed up next to Lauren. His whiskers brushed against her arm. She pulled him close and rested her cheek on his neck. The warmth of him, his steady heartbeat, it all soothed her. Her tears slid down his fur, like they did all those years ago when Ben chose Hailey over her.
Lauren wiped the tears away. With a deep breath, she and Jack made their way downstairs and out the door. Being outside always cleared her mind. The swirls of reds and blues she saw brightened in the sunlight. The sounds of nature, people, cars, all of it calmed her.
During their senior year, she and Ben had been inseparable. A few months after graduation, they eloped. Her parents were furious. They wanted her to slow down. To figure out who she was. But Lauren thought she knew better. She and her husband were supposed to show them how wrong they were and, for five years, they did.
Jack barked excitedly and sat on the sidewalk, pulling her out of her thoughts. When he started yodeling, she rubbed his neck to calm him down. The last time he did this, they waited a good ten minutes for a turtle to cross the sidewalk before he shut up and let them move on.
“What is it, boy?”
A vehicle drove past. The squirrel, or whatever distracted Jack, must have disappeared with the car because he stopped barking and started moving again. She followed while continuing her trek down memory lane.
In some ways, losing Ben pained her more than losing her vision. She had no control over the blindness. Their divorce, on the other hand, was a choice. His to cheat and hers to let him go. He violated her trust. To make matters worse, Hailey carried his child. Those were too many obstacles for their marriage to survive. In the end, Ben and his new bride had moved to another city to build their family and left Lauren alone to figure out how to live in a world without him.
She lifted her chin and took a deep breath. Sunny was right. She had changed. Once upon a time, hearing Ben’s name felt like someone stabbed her in the stomach. Today, the pain was more like someone clenching her organs in their hands and squeezing. It still hurt, but it wasn’t debilitating. And now when the world didn’t feel so empty, he’d returned. But this time, she wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt her again.