TO ROMAN’S RELIEF, by the time Milly’s lab results were back, the all-clear from the point of view of a more serious infection, she was almost back to her smiling, gurgling self. But while he’d watched her sleep fitfully, pacing her room while Sadie dozed in the chair, he’d come to some big decisions.
‘I’m taking some sick days to stay home with her,’ Roman said while they waited for the discharge papers to be signed. He couldn’t wait to have Milly out of the hospital, as if just by being there she was at risk of a relapse.
‘There’s no need,’ Sadie said, once more eyeing him as if he’d grown a second head. ‘I have the next two days off. I’ll be home with her.’
‘I want to be there.’ He cuddled Milly close, whispering Czech endearments, while he fought for the threads of his composure. ‘I’m her father.’
‘I know that,’ she said, her voice tinged with resentment. ‘The whole hospital knows now after your announcement in the ED last night.’
Roman winced, remorse a hot rush through his veins. ‘I’m genuinely sorry if that upset you, but I’m proud that this beautiful baby is mine. Last night was terrifying. It made me realise a few things.’
He’d given Sadie as much time as he could to come to terms with the fact that he was going to be a permanent fixture in Milly’s life. The minute she’d told him that they’d made a baby together, he’d been brainstorming possible solutions, knowing that there was really only one answer that worked: him living where Milly lived.
Where Sadie lived, too. Because he had feelings for her. Feelings that he wanted to explore as they continued their relationship. Feelings he’d only ever had for one other woman.
Time for them to talk.
Sadie stood, holding her arms out for the baby. ‘I was scared, too. But the worst-case scenario didn’t happen.’ She took a deep breath, clearly searching for patience. ‘Let’s just both go home, have a shower, try to get some sleep. Everything will sort itself out.’
Frustration gripped him; he needed to make her understand his point of view, because if he didn’t do something definitive to safeguard his family, fear would tear him apart.
‘I know you don’t want to discuss it, Sadie, but I had a lot of time to think last night, and the moment has come for us to face facts.’
Fear clouded Sadie’s tired eyes. ‘What facts do you mean?’
They were both exhausted. Except as he’d watched the sun dawn over London from Milly’s hospital room, he’d found the clarity that had eluded him since Sadie had come back into his life.
He no longer wanted the lonely life he’d tolerated before. He needed to find a way to make them work as a family. And he wanted him and Sadie to try and have a relationship. Except voicing all of that would scare her away.
Roman hesitated, reached for Sadie’s hand. ‘I’ll be honest, when you first told me about Milly, I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to love her the way I should as her father. I spent so long shutting myself down, you see.’
Sadie nodded, her eyes glistening with emotion.
‘But loving Milly happened so naturally,’ he continued, his voice tight, ‘and it helped me to remember more of the happy everyday moments I had with Miko.’
Sadie stared in silence so he carried on. ‘Last night, while I watched our girl sleep, everything became crystal-clear. I need to live where she lives. It’s the only option that makes sense. The only option I can tolerate. I’m moving to London.’
Holding Milly like a shield, Sadie paced across the room. ‘We said we’d take it one day at a time. You can’t just drop that bombshell and expect me to agree. You’re being irrational, making big decisions when you’re clearly emotional after yesterday...’
Roman tensed, his body chilled with apprehension. ‘I thought you’d be happy. I’m not breaking my promise to you. We will take one day at a time, but we can do it together, not apart.’
‘We can’t discuss this now,’ she said, dismissively, as if she’d never once given the future for them a thought.
Unlike that night at her place when they’d seemed to be on the same page emotionally and physically, when the possibility of a relationship had been a tangible thing, now he had no idea what Sadie wanted. But it was clear she continued to think only a few days ahead.
‘Milly is sick,’ she continued making excuses, ‘and we have the fundraiser to get through and then you’ll be leaving for Ireland. We can talk about everything else when you get back.’
‘I don’t care about the fundraiser. I told you I’ll find someone else to take my place.’ Nothing mattered but the three of them building on what they’d found. The three of them being together as a family.
Why couldn’t she see that?
She looked down, pale and sombre. ‘You’re right; you shouldn’t feel forced to date someone when you’re not ready. I’ll talk to Sammy, explain that you felt coerced, that because of your past, what you’ve been through, you were always going to be the wrong person...’
She thought he wanted to pull out because he was still in love with Karolina. He would always love his wife, but she wasn’t the only reason he couldn’t stomach the Valentine’s charade. The main reason was Sadie.
Except where he was laying himself bare, she was still holding back, keeping her emotions safe, showing him that she trusted him with their daughter but not with her own heart.
Was she really so blind to his feelings? Had he alone experienced their growing closeness, so powerful that being intimate with her again had robbed him of breath?
Perhaps she was just scared that things were moving too fast.
‘Sadie.’ He stepped close and cupped her face, willing her to see him, to listen while he opened up deeply buried wounded parts of himself that he’d never expected to again see the light of day. ‘I don’t care about the auction because I don’t want to date another woman, even for a good cause. I only want to date you.’
She gasped, a spark of the passion he’d been hoping to see flaring bright in her eyes.
‘Tell me I’m not alone in wanting that? Be honest,’ he continued, his throat raw with everything he left unsaid. ‘Tell me what you want.’
She turned her face away but not before he saw a flash of longing in her expression. ‘I’m not sure what I want is relevant. I’m a mother. I have to put Milly first.’
‘What does that mean?’ Fear twisted his gut. That was exactly what he was trying to do: put Milly first. That didn’t mean he couldn’t also pursue a relationship with Sadie. But was that relationship one-sided? Was Sadie still living in the moment that she clung to so ferociously, still classifying them as a casual fling, something she expected to fizzle out any day now?
‘It means that whatever is going on with us is meaningless compared to what we want for our daughter.’
She looked up, meeting his stare, acting as if they’d made the same argument, but from Roman’s point of view they were speaking a different language. Right from day one she’d expected nothing from their connection, and not even these past couple of incredible weeks, working together, spending time as a family, making love and opening up to each other, had changed her view.
To Sadie, Roman was doomed to let her down, the one thing he vowed never to do. She expected them to fail. She saw no future for the two of them beyond their roles as parents, because she still didn’t trust him enough. She wasn’t even willing to give them a try.
‘So everything we’ve been through together,’ he said, ‘everything we’ve shared, was meaningless to you?’
Had he allowed himself to get carried away in their relationship? Maybe because a part of his heart would always be broken, the part that beat for Karolina, he’d failed to inspire Sadie’s absolute trust.
Maybe it was his fault that they were so emotionally discordant because she believed he couldn’t be the man she needed.
But he was at least willing to try.
She flushed with shame. ‘I’m not saying that. I just don’t think we should be making any life-changing decisions right now.’
‘I disagree,’ he said with all the passion he felt for this woman. ‘We only get one life and I don’t want to waste another second of mine being away from Milly when I could be there for her, a proper father to the best of my abilities.’
Tears filled Sadie’s eyes as she stared. ‘You are her father. I’d never stand in the way of your relationship.’
The unspoken but echoed around the room.
‘Okay, well, if you won’t tell me what you want, I’ll put myself out there first: I want you, too, Sadie. I want us to try and have a proper relationship. I’m happy to go at your pace, because I understand you’re scared to be hurt, but I want you to trust me. I want us to be a family. You, me and Milly.’
Pain twisted her features as tears slid down her cheeks. ‘I do trust you...’ she said in a broken whisper. ‘But if you want my honest answer, tell me one thing first. Before Karolina and Miko died, did you want more children?’
Roman frowned, jolted by the shift of topic. Then he realised where this was going. Despite creating their beautiful daughter, Sadie still saw herself as somehow defective because of her fertility problems and the way she’d been let down by her ex.
‘Yes. We talked about it,’ he said, defeated, wanting to be transparent even though the truth would hurt her. ‘In fact, we were trying for another child when she was killed.’
Sadie’s face paled. She nodded, as if he’d handed her the winning argument on a plate. ‘Thank you for being honest.’
He rushed to her, took her in his arms, kissed her forehead and whispered, ‘I’m sorry to hurt you. But I want to be honest. We’ve always had that, haven’t we? But I’m a different man now from the one I was with Karolina.’
He could never be the same after what had happened to his family, but that didn’t make him and his feelings for Sadie any less. ‘I’m ready to try again,’ he continued. ‘With you, if you want the same thing.’
She sniffed, slipping on a brave mask as she looked up at him with resolve. ‘It’s okay for you to want something that isn’t me, Roman. You come from a big family, you wanted more children and you deserve to be happy. But I promised myself that I would never accept second place again. And for a man who already loves another woman, a man who dreams of another child, I’m a bad risk.’
‘I don’t care about having more children.’ He gripped her shoulders, willing her to hear his truth. ‘What matters is that I treasure Milly, take nothing for granted and never let her down.’
‘I agree,’ Sadie said, now eerily calm. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. We both need to be there for our daughter and if we don’t focus our attention there, we could mess that up for her.’
‘But what about what we want for ourselves?’ he whispered, losing his grip on Sadie. Or perhaps he’d never had her in the first place.
Her eyes shone with tears. ‘I stopped asking myself what I wanted in my twenties, when I had my infertility diagnosis. What I want—’ she rested her hand on his chest ‘—doesn’t matter, because I can’t ever be what you need.’
Her fingers curled into his scrub top as if she might hold on and never let go. ‘Milly was my miracle, Roman, but I can’t give you more children. You say it doesn’t matter now, but it might come to matter. It might matter very much one day.’
‘I’m not that man, Sadie. I won’t let you down.’
She shook her head, dismissing his promise. ‘I know you’d never intentionally hurt me. But you’ve already been through so much loss. I couldn’t bear to be the reason for your heartache if one day you decided you wanted another child more than you wanted me. Nor could I survive one day seeing in your eyes that I wasn’t quite good enough. Can you blame me for holding something back to protect myself from that knowledge?’
Roman opened his mouth to argue, his jaw slack.
His stomach lurched with the familiar taste of defeat. After everything they’d been through, after everything they’d shared, she was choosing to protect herself from rejection that might never come, where he was exposing his battered and bruised heart and handing it to her on a platter.
She trusted him, but not enough.
‘So that’s it?’ he asked, hoping with all his heart that she’d relent, that she’d throw her arms around his neck and trust her heart in his hands. ‘That’s all you’re willing to risk?’
She tilted her chin, determined. ‘Yes. Now I’m taking Milly home. When you return from Ireland, we can talk again, figure out a way to parent Milly together, but I think it’s best if we put her first.’
Defeated, Roman nodded and stepped back. This was all she was willing to give. If he pushed her for more, he might lose everything: Sadie, what little trust they’d built up to now and, most devastating, Milly.
As if Sadie’s fear were contagious, it gripped his throat, choking him. As choices went, he had no choice. He’d been there once before, so he knew with absolute certainty that he wouldn’t survive losing another person he loved.