THEY’D ARRANGED TO meet just inside the main entrance of the zoo, near the aquarium. The minute Roman spied Sadie pushing Milly’s buggy, he breathed a relieved sigh, his heart pounding with excitement.
He had no idea how today would unfold, but it was time to come to terms with the fact that he and Sadie had made a beautiful baby together.
He couldn’t stay away any longer.
He walked towards them, his stare greedily taking in Milly, who was awake, wearing a tiny woollen hat and covered in a blanket. Awestruck by her big blue eyes, he dragged in a lungful of chilly air, braced against the waves of feelings almost knocking him off his feet.
Shocking him the most was the instant love, some visceral protective part of him springing to life. But it wasn’t strong enough to completely dispel the trickle of fear tightening his gut or the hot stabs of guilt between his ribs.
‘Have you been waiting long?’ Sadie asked, breathless, pausing to scrutinise his expression in that caring way of hers.
‘Not long,’ Roman lied, leaning in to press a kiss to her cold cheek, without hesitation now that they were away from the hospital. He’d arrived way too early, nerves and anticipation shrinking the walls of his one-bedroom flat in the hospital accommodation complex.
He took Sadie’s hand and gazed down at the baby, his stare compulsively drawn to his daughter. ‘Thanks for agreeing to this.’
Sadie smiled, squeezed his hand, enabling him to draw a decent breath. ‘How are you doing? Big day.’
‘I’m nervous,’ Roman admitted, ashamed, but wanting to be honest.
She nodded in agreement, her beautiful eyes soft with compassion. ‘We’ll take it slow, together.’
Touched that this amazing woman understood him so well, he held out the small gift he’d brought. ‘This is for Milly. Open it later—It’s cold out here.’
Sadie took the gift and tucked it into her bag as Roman held open the door to the aquarium exhibits. ‘Let’s go look at some fish.’
Once inside the aquarium building, Sadie parked up the buggy and unstrapped Milly, removing her hat. Static electricity raised her fine downy hair so it stood on end. Sadie laughed and Milly smiled, oblivious to what was funny.
Roman’s heart jolted as if he’d been electrocuted.
Watching Sadie smile at their daughter, seeing her unbridled love and joy and awe for the baby they’d made together... A beautiful moment of maternal love he would try to hold onto for ever. A moment like a thousand others he’d lived with Karolina and Miko.
His chest ached as he remembered the good times, his euphoria tainted with guilt and grief because he’d had these chances before.
As Sadie wandered the three-hundred-and-sixty-degree tank filled with coral and colourful tropical fish, holding Milly up to the glass to point out the brightly contrasted creatures, Roman trailed along, watching their breathtaking interactions with wonder.
Did he deserve a second shot at being a father when there was a part of him, an irrational, primitive part, that felt somehow responsible for the deaths of his family? He’d spent years torturing himself with unanswerable questions. What if he’d been driving the car that night instead of being at work? What if he’d been with them, able to help in a medical capacity? What if they’d all stayed home, safe and sound?
How had he imagined he would be able to keep his emotions in check today, one glimpse of his daughter’s smile leaving him raw and exposed?
Shoving those thoughts aside—it wasn’t fair to Milly—Roman watched his daughter jerk her arms and legs with excitement, her gaze following the movements of the fish swimming past.
Sadie smiled and pointed and made fish faces, her animation contagious, glancing over at him to include him in the moment.
A wild storm of longing and admiration spun inside him like a hurricane. Being around his daughter was wonderful and heart-wrenching. Watching Sadie mother their child made him want her even more. He already knew that she was good with children from work. But this was different.
This was their child.
Clearing his dry throat, Roman clung to a distraction. ‘What have you told people about Milly’s father?’
Sadie stiffened, her delighted smile for Milly fading. ‘Umm...not much. My sister knows about you, obviously,’ she said, apologetically. ‘But no one at work knows, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
Roman shrugged, some deeply rooted primal imperative demanding the world knew that he’d fathered this beautiful baby. ‘I’m not worried, just curious.’
How he and Sadie met was their business. They weren’t a couple. And she clearly didn’t want anyone at work to know that he was Milly’s father.
‘Have you told anyone?’ Sadie asked warily.
Roman nodded. ‘Just my parents and my brothers and sister.’
‘How many siblings do you have?’
‘Five. I come from a big family.’
‘Five?’ Sadie said, her eyes wide with shock.
He smiled, changing the subject because, one day, he’d like Milly to meet her Czech family, but they’d agreed to take each day at a time. ‘And the baby is thriving? Growing, eating, sleeping?’
His hands itched to hold Milly, the bonding instinct primal.
Sadie smiled up at him, the baby happy in her arms. ‘She’s perfect and doing everything she should be doing.’
Roman swallowed the lump in his throat; she was perfect.
‘Would you like to hold her?’ Sadie asked, her expression relaxed and encouraging.
‘Yes,’ he said, instinctively, holding out his arms. His heart pounded, but he needed to feel the baby’s weight in his arms, to feel her tiny heartbeat and know that she was real.
His daughter.
Sadie handed over Milly with a bright smile that told the baby she was safe with this stranger.
Roman gripped the precious bundle, dipping his head to catch the warm baby scent of her. He tried to commit it to memory, his eyes closing on a wave of primitive feelings: innate recognition, fierce protective instincts, a surge of love.
‘It’s okay,’ Sadie said, talking to Milly in a reassuring voice, her arm coming around his back, enclosing the three of them in a bubble of intimacy.
For an unguarded moment, Roman saw a flash of what might have been, imagined the three of them as a family. But he’d already had that.
A frisson of panic slithered down his spine.
Was he capable of being a proper father again? The idea of loving another child laced his blood with fear that he’d forget Miko. But now that he’d met her, held her, recognised her, the doubt that he might be too broken to love his innocent daughter didn’t bear thinking about. With each passing day since he’d discovered her existence, the urgency to know her, to ensure she was safe and happy, to protect and care for her had taken over.
‘Poklad...’ he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Milly’s head.
‘What does that mean?’ Sadie asked, resting her head on his arm, as if she understood he needed her close.
‘I called her treasure. It’s a Czech term of endearment.’ His gaze was drawn to Sadie’s soft smile, her embrace slotting a piece of him back into place.
‘She is precious.’ Sadie nodded, staring deep into his eyes.
This woman had brought his broken spirit solace, first in Vienna, when their night of passion had reminded him that he was capable of feeling something positive and light-hearted, and again when she’d turned his world upside down with news of his daughter.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered, trying to untangle his gratitude from the other feelings he had for Sadie.
‘Why are you thanking me?’ she said, her eyes swimming with emotion and flickers of desire he was so relieved to see.
‘For making such a beautiful baby,’ he said in a low voice, thick with reverence. ‘For giving me time to come to terms with the news. For sharing her with me.’
His voice broke on the last word.
Sadie gripped his waist tighter. ‘You’re welcome. I’m sorry that you missed out on her first two months.’
He cast her a sad smile. ‘Time I missed because I made a stupid decision to seduce a sexy stranger without getting her name and number.’
Sadie stared, her body warm against his. It would be so easy, almost second nature to cup her face close for a kiss. Part of him was desperate to explore their chemistry, their growing connection, the rest of him certain they should set that aside and focus all their energy on Milly.
‘She seduced you too,’ Sadie whispered, clearly battling a similar dilemma.
Then something amazing happened. Milly smiled, first at Sadie, waving her little fist, and then up at Roman.
He gasped, something inside him cracking open, letting in a shaft of light.
He had no idea if he’d be able to do fatherhood a second time, but he wouldn’t waste the amazing chance he’d been given to be a member of this little family. Milly deserved a father willing to make a fresh start. She deserved to have as much stability and love and opportunity as he’d lavished on Miko.
The question was, could he put down the roots he’d avoided for so long when he was so out of practice? And what would those roots represent for him and Sadie? Constant temptation or the foundations of something neither of them expected?
Roman placed a tray on the table and took the seat next to Sadie in the zoo’s Forest Café. ‘I brought you water as well as tea. Nursing mothers need to stay hydrated, as you know.’
‘Thank you.’ Sadie swallowed the lump the size of a rock in her throat, high from the emotions of the day.
Spending time with Roman away from work was terrifyingly easy, their connection back on track.
After a few hesitant moments, he’d embraced Milly with wonder and tenderness that had been hard to watch. Holding her as if she was precious, staring at her funny baby faces and nonsensical gurgles with awe, whispering to her in Czech.
How could Sadie be expected to stay immune to such exhilarating moments of father and daughter bonding? To stay immune to Roman the doting father?
Milly finished her feed, and unlike a few weeks ago, when she would usually fall asleep afterwards, now she was more intent on taking in all the new sights and sounds.
‘You drink and I’ll get her wind up,’ Roman said, reaching for the muslin square Sadie kept handy for milky burps.
Telling herself she was simply awash with love hormones from nursing their daughter, Sadie handed the baby over, braced once more for the sight of Roman holding Milly, staring down at her with that breathtaking smile on his face.
‘I’m hogging her, aren’t I?’ he said, unapologetically cuddling her close.
His eagerness made Sadie’s eyes smart. ‘It’s okay; she’s waited a long time to meet you.’
Considering that a few days ago she’d been scared Roman would disown their daughter, his reaction to being properly introduced to their daughter had squashed many of Sadie’s doubts—her concern for Roman’s grieving process and her fear of introducing her precious Milly to a stranger.
They stared at each other over the daughter they’d made together. Just as they’d been doing all morning, feelings rushed Sadie, wave after wave of desire for this wonderful man, a new level of contentment, stronger than anything she’d experienced before. Every time he’d looked at her today, she’d seen admiration, as if he saw Sadie in a whole new light. A woman with whom he’d created a life.
Heady stuff for someone already turned on by his hand-holding, moved by his small acts of thoughtfulness, and overcome by the way he seemed to have welcomed her beloved Milly into his heart.
Was this how it felt when children brought couples closer?
Except she and Roman weren’t a couple and never would be.
Roman would always be in love with another woman, and Sadie had trust issues and insecurities. He came from a big family and Milly was likely to be Sadie’s only child. He moved around to avoid the pain of losing his family, and, after years of yearning but accepting that she might never have a baby, Sadie couldn’t bear to think of sharing Milly in some complex custody arrangement. But realistically, if Roman intended to stay in his daughter’s life, that was exactly what awaited the three of them.
Unless his itchy feet, the lure of that rolling-stone lifestyle of his, would eventually outweigh his desire to change nappies.
In an attempt to distract her from the panic hijacking her pulse, Sadie retrieved the gift from Milly’s nappy bag. ‘Can I open this now?’
She didn’t want to consider what the future entailed for them now that Roman wanted to be a part of Milly’s life.
‘Of course.’ He looked up from winding Milly, turning his adoring expression on Sadie with a smile.
She couldn’t get carried away by one successful outing. It was early days. Plenty of time for Roman to change his mind about wanting Milly in his life.
Inside the wrapping was a charming wooden pull-along toy in the shape of a duck. The minute the baby saw the bright yellow beak she grasped for it.
‘Wooden toys are traditional in the Czech Republic,’ Roman explained, sliding closer to Sadie so their thighs touched. ‘I know she won’t use it for a while, but I wanted her to have something from the oldest toy shop in Prague.’
‘It’s beautiful,’ Sadie whispered, the flicker of pain dimming his eyes telling her that he’d probably shopped there for Miko, too. ‘She’ll treasure it.’
‘She’s amazing, Sadie,’ he said, stroking the soft curls at the nape of Milly’s neck.
‘I know,’ she managed to choke out, the sight of this sexy, competent and intelligent man as a gentle and nurturing father almost too much for her poor weak and hormone-ridden body to endure.
Spending time as a family, while wonderful for Milly and Roman, was messing with Sadie’s head. She didn’t want to be hurt.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ she said. ‘I know you didn’t have a say in naming Milly, so if you want to add a middle name, perhaps something Czech, we can officially alter her birth certificate.’
‘I’d like that.’ His smile of gratitude spurred her on.
‘Also, I wonder if you could send me a picture of Miko. I’d like to put a framed photo in Milly’s room, so I can tell her about her big brother as she grows.’
‘Of course.’ His stare filled with stormy emotions as he reached out and cupped her face, his thumb gliding along her cheekbone. ‘You’re a special person, Sadie, and a wonderful mother.’
His eyes bored into hers, shutting out the people around them. ‘I know we’re taking one day at a time, but I hoped you might one day bring Milly to Prague. My family would love to meet her.’
‘Of course... I hadn’t thought of that, but of course they want to meet her...’
Fear fizzed in her veins. Roman wanted to proudly introduce his daughter to the Czech side of her family. Maybe when she was older, the visits wouldn’t include Sadie at all.
The idea of Roman and Milly spending time without her pinched at Sadie’s stomach. But she’d need to get used to that. The future held shared custody, separate holidays and Christmas Days and birthdays where they’d need to find some fair way of sharing their daughter.
No wonder she was reluctant to think too far ahead. The future was horribly uncertain.
‘The idea unsettles you,’ he said, his stare full of understanding. ‘You’ve been used to having Milly all to yourself.’
Sadie shook her head. ‘It’s not that. I just don’t like planning too far ahead. Life is...unpredictable, as you know, and I try to live in the moment rather than freak myself out with scary what ifs.’
When she’d first met Mark, he’d seemed too wonderful to be true. And as it had turned out, she’d been right.
‘Okay,’ he said, not pushing, but taking her hand.
Sadie squirmed, forcing herself to open up because Roman deserved more of an explanation. ‘It’s a habit that began when I received my infertility diagnosis, but my ex, Mark, was a very demonstrative person, always making grand romantic gestures, or voicing big plans for our future as a couple. “When we get married, we can go to Bali for our honeymoon...” “If we buy this two-bedroom flat in Islington, in three years we’ll be able to afford to upgrade to a bigger home in Hampstead...” “When we retire, we could move to Spain...”’
She glanced away from the compassion in Roman’s eyes, way out of her comfort zone.
‘Over the years we were together, he drew me into his dreams, made me believe that our future was out there waiting for us, full of hope and optimism even though I was unlikely to ever have my greatest wish: a baby of my own.’
Roman tensed at her side, his face slashed with a harsh frown.
‘He’d said that we’d be happy even if it was just the two of us, and I believed him, felt lucky to have such a wonderful partner in my life, someone who accepted me just the way I am. Then one day,’ she said, taking comfort from his touch, ‘he came home from work and told me he was leaving me, just like that. While we’d been making plans to get engaged, to have a spring wedding and that honeymoon in Bali, he’d also been making plans with another woman. A woman from work he’d been sleeping with for three months. A woman he’d got pregnant. She was giving him the one thing I couldn’t, so he chose her over me.’
‘I’m sorry that you were so badly let down,’ Roman said, his stare searching hers.
‘I’m not the only person to have ever been cheated on,’ Sadie said, a little numb and a whole lot uncertain how her instincts had been so wrong where Mark was concerned. ‘And I was mostly angry that he used me as a place holder until someone better came along. That, when it came to the crunch, he’d lied: my infertility did matter.’
‘People cheat for many complex reasons,’ Roman said, defensive on her behalf. ‘It was about him, not you.’
‘I know.’ Sadie shrugged. But she had allowed herself to be sucked into Mark’s dreams, the pretty promises and the pictures they’d painted. ‘I was long over him the night we met in Vienna. I’m well shot of a shallow person who would lie and cheat.’
But her ability to trust her judgement still felt bruised, some small part of her deep inside still doubting that she’d ever be good enough for another relationship.
Roman tilted his head in that way of his, seeing her too clearly. ‘You deserve so much more than a man like that. You’re kind and caring and funny and smart. You deserve someone who—’
As if he’d had an unpleasant thought, he broke off abruptly.
Was he jealous of this fictional future man? Did he hate the idea of someone else helping to raise their daughter? Or was it simply that he’d been about to admit aloud that the man she deserved could never be him.
Fortunately, Milly started to grizzle, rubbing at her eyes and giving Sadie a legitimate reason to shy away from the moment of vulnerability.
‘Oh—it’s nap time. We should probably go.’ Sadie wrestled Milly into her coat and hat, and Roman tucked her into the buggy, covering her with a blanket.
By the time they’d walked to the Camden Town Tube station, the baby was fast asleep. As they were headed in different directions, Sadie paused inside to say goodbye.
‘Thank you for today, Sadie,’ Roman said, glancing down at a sleeping Milly. ‘I know we still have a lot to figure out, but I appreciate your patience with me.’
He looked frozen, as if he couldn’t bring himself to walk away from his baby, now that they’d met.
Sadie blinked, her eyes stinging. ‘We don’t have to figure everything out. One day at a time, remember.’
Roman nodded, hesitating as if he had more to say.
‘Will you be okay?’ she asked, her chest aching with compassion.
He nodded once, decisive. But he didn’t move, only scoured her face for what felt like hours, returning time and again to her mouth.
She was reminded of that first day, when they’d been stuck in the ward office together, the lock jammed. Part of her had been desperate to flee and the other part unable to move, waiting for his kiss. Except she knew him so much better now, the sexual tension between them fierce and unrelenting now that they had the most important thing in the world in common: a child.
Only it was because of that child that they needed to be, oh, so careful.
Perhaps deciding that he could delay no longer, Roman cast one last look at the baby and swooped close, gripping Sadie’s arm and pressing a swift kiss to her cheek.
There was a split second where time seemed suspended. Sadie considered turning her head so their lips would connect. But their chemistry was too strong. She wanted him too badly. If she kissed him now, she’d invite him home. They’d end up in bed.
But it had been an emotional day, for both of them.
Stepping back, she retreated to safety. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, at work.’
Scanning her travel card, she pushed the buggy through the accessible barrier, without looking back, her heart and her stomach a knotted mess.
It would be so easy to allow her desire for Roman to rule her head. They were grown adults each with valid reasons for keeping their attraction in check. It was exhilarating to believe that neither of them would allow anything to get in the way of what was best for their baby. That they could indulge their physical connection without consequence.
Except Milly was living proof that repercussions could sneak up on you.