TWO DAYS LATER, in the early hours of the morning, Sadie sat at the bedside of eight-year-old Josh, her stare obsessively drawn to the monitor recording his oxygen saturation levels, pulse and respiratory rate. The young boy, who was also one of Roman’s patients, had been admitted a week ago for an urgent splenectomy following injuries sustained in a car crash. He’d lost a lot of blood, requiring a transfusion, and had spent several days post-op on ICU.
He’d already been through so much, and today, at the start of Sadie’s night shift, Josh had spiked a fever. Sadie had diagnosed his latest setback—a post-op chest infection that required close monitoring.
She shifted in the hard plastic chair, looking down at the sleeping boy. The unease making her extra watchful tonight was all tangled up with her constant thoughts of Roman, who’d lost a son around this boy’s age. Ever since he’d bravely shared his story with her, she hadn’t been able to get Roman off her mind.
Roman’s team had been on call, the ward busy as usual, so they’d only seen each other from a distance a few times, shared a nod of greeting and a secret look. Sadie had even texted him ‘Thinking of you’ messages.
But as the days passed, the urge to track him down and blurt out her secret grew stronger.
Before she could wonder for the millionth time just how she would utter the words You have a daughter, the curtains around Josh’s bed swished aside and Roman appeared, as if he’d heard his name whisper through her mind.
His brief smile for Sadie lit her up inside.
‘How is he doing?’ he asked, glancing at the monitors, his concern for their patient mirroring her own.
She rose and joined him at the foot of the bed, close but not touching, the air between them charged with electricity.
‘He’s stable at the moment,’ she said in a hushed voice, some of the tension leaving her now that Roman was here to share Josh’s care. ‘I’ve started broad spectrum IV antibiotics and made an urgent referral for physiotherapy for the morning. Hopefully we can get on top of the infection.’
The last thing anyone wanted was to see Josh back in ICU.
‘Let’s talk in the office,’ Roman said, touching her arm and leading the way just as Josh’s nurse arrived to repeat his observations and note them on his bedside chart.
‘I encouraged his parents to grab a hot drink and some toast in the family room,’ Sadie said as they entered the small ward office. She’d left Josh’s chest film displayed on the monitor, and Roman paused to examine the X-ray.
‘The consolidation is subtle; good spotting,’ Roman said, flicking her an impressed smile that, despite her concern for this patient, did silly things to her already elevated pulse.
Sadie nodded, unable to shake her unease, probably because, she couldn’t help but draw parallels between Josh and Roman’s son.
Looking at him now, knowing that Milly shared his blue eyes, she wondered what Roman’s boy had been like. Had he looked like his father? Would baby Milly remind Roman of her half-brother? And how could he possibly feel joy for his daughter, having lost his son in such a sudden and senseless way?
‘You’re worried,’ he stated, his stare full of understanding and compassion, because they shared a profession that often took an emotional toll.
The stakes seemed higher in paediatrics than adult medicine. Some young patients faced more hurdles than others for no rhyme or reason. Being objective was a big part of their job.
‘A little,’ she admitted with a small sigh. ‘We managed to get a sputum sample for the lab before we started the antibiotics.’
Maybe because she was now a mother, or maybe because she knew what Roman had been through, Sadie couldn’t help but see every case through the eyes of a parent.
‘Hopefully we’ll be able to target the correct pathogen with our treatment.’ Sadie shrugged, looking away from Roman’s probing stare because she could read him so easily now that she understood his past.
Could he read her in the same way? Could he see that, in addition to her patients, Sadie was worried for them: her, Milly and Roman?
‘Then you’re doing everything you can,’ he said, stepping closer to rest a hand on her shoulder. ‘Tell me what else is bothering you.’
Of course he would intuitively sense Sadie’s hesitation in Josh’s case. He was a good doctor, and he had personal experience of how suddenly things could go wrong.
‘I don’t know.’ Sadie glanced at her feet because she was hiding something life-changing from him.
Admitting that she was worried for this patient felt like admitting that she was worried for the future she tried to avoid examining.
‘Sometimes it’s hard to stay detached...’ she said.
From work... From him... From wanting impossible things...
She’d perfected living in the moment, but, in light of Roman’s tragic past, she couldn’t help but wonder if they’d be able to find a way to make their complex and emotionally charged situation work. She didn’t want any of them to be hurt, but of course she couldn’t voice any of that.
‘Sometimes a patient just gets to you.’ Roman tilted his head, understanding in his eyes. ‘We’re only human.’
That he understood her professional concerns so well left her irrationally close to tears.
‘Things always feel more serious in the middle of the night.’ He slid his hand down the length of her arm and took her hand. ‘I’ll check in with you both again when the sun’s up. Fresh perspective.’
Sadie nodded, grateful for his support, basking in the heat of his illicit touch that she’d grown to expect in just these few short days. Desperation to unburden herself fully rose up in her chest. But the more time that passed, the harder it was to find the right moment to tell him about their baby.
It was three a.m. Roman would be on his way back to Theatre. He needed to work. She couldn’t be selfish, just because her secret weighed more and more heavily.
‘How are you doing since we talked the other night?’ She clung to his hand. ‘I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Worrying. Our work must be triggering sometimes.’
She’d watched him on the ward these past few days, her respect for him growing, alongside her desire. His calm manner never failed to put both patients and parents at ease, just as he’d reassured Sadie tonight. He always seemed to be the last surgeon to go home and the first one there in the morning. Even now, he’d obviously come up to the ward in between surgeries to check on the sickest of his patients.
Seriously attractive dedication.
‘You don’t have to worry about me.’ He smiled a heartbreaking little half-smile, squeezing her fingers so a thrill zapped up her arm. ‘I’ve developed coping strategies over the years, some of which probably aren’t too healthy—you might have noticed I’m a bit of a workaholic.’
Sadie’s heart fought its way into her throat as they stared at each other. If only they were anywhere but at work. She would hold him, be there for him the way he was there for her tonight, show him that he wasn’t alone.
Except he chose to be alone. That was how he coped.
Her stomach fell, her feelings redundant.
As if deciding he could trust her with his most honest response, Roman sobered. ‘Besides, I’m more scared to forget than to remember.’
The huge lump in her throat made breathing hard. ‘Scared to forget your family?’
Her voice was an awed whisper that he trusted her with such a deeply private admission. But it also brough fresh waves of guilt that she was carrying such a monumental secret.
Roman gave a curt nod, his eyes tortured. ‘My son in particular. I had many more years of memories with Karolina.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She gripped his hand tighter, aware that she should let them both go back to work. ‘Do you mind me asking—what was your son’s name?’
‘I don’t mind. His name was Mikolas.’ His eyes shone with love for his little boy. ‘We called him Miko.’
‘Miko.’ Sadie said, blinking away the burn of tears. ‘I like that.’
The name painted a picture of an energetic little boy, with a contagious giggle and Roman’s cheeky smile. Surely a man with Roman’s capacity for love and commitment would, in time, welcome Milly into his heart?
They stood in silence, sad smiles fading. The tension in the room shifted.
‘You have a big heart, Sadie.’ He cupped her cheek and swiped his thumb over her cheekbone, his touch a brand, sharpening her awareness of every inch of him.
Sadie’s stare latched onto the intricate depths of his irises. ‘So do you,’ she whispered.
‘Basic job requirement.’ He shrugged, the light-hearted comment most likely offered as a lifeline, an escape from the moment of intimacy into which they’d somehow stumbled.
But Sadie was right where she wanted to be.
‘It makes you a good doctor,’ he continued, his stare moving over her face, ‘one who relates easily to people. But also makes you vulnerable to compassion fatigue. Look after yourself, okay?’
Sadie nodded, overwhelmed that he cared. She was tired, but her fatigue came from fighting this chemistry every time they spoke. She was tired of second-guessing her feelings. Sometimes, you had to follow your instincts, even when they’d been brought into question by your past mistakes.
Vienna hadn’t been a mistake.
Surely one more kiss wouldn’t be either.
She closed the gap, her heartbeat pulsing in her fingertips, clanging in her ears, like a roar.
Roman’s expression shifted from conflicted to surrender.
He gripped her face in both hands, their lips connecting.
Desperation clawed at Sadie. Hot. Urgent. Crazed.
She tugged his neck and parted her lips, matching the passion of his kiss. Zero hesitation.
It was as good as before. Better.
Sadie closed her eyes as his arms gripped her so tightly, she couldn’t breathe. But she didn’t want to breathe in case she came to her senses. In case Roman came to his.
They were kissing. At work.
Outside the room, the ward was quiet, most of the patients asleep while the night staff made silent rounds. But they’d left the door ajar. Anyone could walk in. Not that Sadie could bring herself to stop.
Roman slid his hands around her waist. She gripped his bunched shoulders, tunnelled her fingers into his hair as she inched them towards the desk, resting her butt on the edge. She tangled her tongue with his, needing to condense everything she wanted, everything she needed into this moment of madness.
Soon she’d stop. Any second now.
Roman grunted, pressing his body between her parted thighs, snatching kiss after kiss in a frantic rush that told Sadie he’d struggled with wanting her every inch as much as she’d fought her desire for him.
Gifting herself one last minute of bliss, Sadie kissed him back, finally admitting that, for her, this had been inevitable from the moment he’d walked onto her ward. It didn’t matter that it could only be temporary. Sadie was an expert at living in the moment.
Except there was one thing that did matter: Milly. Roman’s daughter, the baby they’d made the last time they’d allowed their passion to override all else. A baby he knew nothing about.
With a sickening lurch of her stomach, she tore her mouth away.
‘We can’t do this.’ She panted, guilt a scald creeping over her skin.
It took monumental effort to shove at his shoulders, but she succeeded, standing and moving away.
‘Of course,’ he said, his expression dazed and confused and then contrite.
He glanced at the door behind him and scrubbed a hand over his face. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.’
Sadie shook her head violently. If only their problems were simply an ill-judged smooch in the workplace. But they had bigger issues, and, perfect timing or not, Sadie could delay no longer, her secret pressing down on her like a lead straightjacket.
She gripped his arm, willing him to show the same caring and compassionate side that emerged for his patients and colleagues. The time had come to tell him. Even if it ruined the connection they shared. Even if her news was devastating. Even if he reacted with anger and accusation and wanted nothing to do with darling Milly, it was time Roman knew about his daughter.
Breathing hard, Roman’s head spun like a case of vertigo after being so violently ripped back to his senses.
‘No, I’m sorry.’ Sadie gripped his arm, shook her head again, a deep frown creasing her brow and tugging down her kiss-swollen lips.
She was so beautiful. That she’d leaned on him for reassurance tonight, confided her clinical concerns for their patient, shown concern for Roman and even asked about Miko had finally pushed him to breaking point.
He wanted her.
He knew it was wrong to indulge at work, but he’d also recalled how right it had felt to kiss her the first time.
‘Roman, we need to talk.’ Her hand fell away, the new resolve in her tone the bucket of cold water to the face he needed.
He nodded, grappling with his breathlessness. ‘That was really unprofessional of me, Sadie. I shouldn’t have touched you. I’m sorry.’
What had he been thinking kissing a junior colleague at work? But from the moment she’d smiled at his son’s name, he’d known he couldn’t fight their chemistry any longer.
Even now, with shame nipping at his heels, he wanted her still.
‘No.’ She frowned, staring with what looked like fear in her eyes. ‘I wanted to kiss you. It’s not that, it’s just—’ She broke off, nervously licking the soft lips that had a second ago melded to his with the passion he remembered. ‘I need to tell you something.’
When she looked up the determination on her face made his heated blood run cold.
‘Okay.’ Trying to get his heart rate under control, Roman stepped back, away from the temptation of Sadie. ‘What is it?’
Reminding him of that first confusing day when they’d talked in this very office, Sadie paced to the desk and then faced him once more.
‘I should have told you before.’ She wrung her hands. ‘I planned to tell you. I almost did. So many times. I just...couldn’t seem to find the right moment.’
She twisted her mouth as if in anguish. ‘And I know now isn’t ideal...because it’s the middle of the night and we both have work to do...but I have to tell you, because we kissed and—’
This time he struggled to find her nervous rambling cute. ‘What’s wrong? Tell me now,’ he ordered, his mind going to dark places. ‘Please, Sadie.’
Trepidation was a tight fist around his heart. Memories slayed him; that terrible night four years ago when he’d stood in a dark hospital corridor while some poor young emergency doctor had given him the news no person ever wanted to hear.
‘Please don’t be angry.’ Sadie swallowed, her stare imploring. ‘I didn’t want to hurt you...’
Hurt him? What had she done?
‘Just tell me what’s wrong.’ Roman’s pulse leaped, pumping trickles of adrenaline around his blood. His imagination was running wild. ‘Are you ill? About to emigrate? Have you met someone else?’
Sadie shook her head. ‘Nothing’s wrong. Everything is fine. It’s just—’ She looked down at her hands and Roman wanted to tear at his hair in frustration.
The seconds pulsed through him like electric shocks. He had to draw on every scrap of patience he possessed to wait for her to say the upsetting words she was holding back.
Finally, her shoulders sagged, her eyes locked to his. ‘I had a baby,’ she said, expelling the announcement on a rush of air.
Roman took a few seconds to catch up, ninety per cent of his brain still stuck on how fantastic it had been to have her back in his arms and the other ten per cent braced for her announcement of bad news.
‘Oh... That’s wonderful. Amazing. Congratulations.’ He took her hands, overjoyed that the fertility issues she’d confessed to him had been overcome. ‘But that’s happy news, isn’t it?’
She didn’t look happy. She looked nauseated as she offered a feeble nod. ‘It’s wonderful.’
Relief pooled in his veins. She wasn’t sick, just a mother.
‘So are you seeing someone?’ He winced, thinking about their incendiary kiss, about how he might have been utterly carried away if they hadn’t been at work. ‘You should have told me. I would never have kissed you if I’d known.’
Now that the shock had worn off, hollowness rushed in. She was seeing someone. He had no right to kiss her, no prior claim. She deserved to be happy, deserved so much more than Roman had to give.
‘I’m not seeing anyone,’ she said flatly, desperation in her eyes. ‘You don’t understand...’
‘Then explain it to me.’ He was trying to follow, but she wasn’t making much sense. She was doing that evasive thing again...
‘I haven’t slept with anyone since you. Since Vienna.’
Roman frowned, the lust fog in his brain finally clearing as if he’d just broken the surface of the water after a deep-sea dive.
His stunned gasp sounded in his head.
Sadie had given birth to his baby.
Sadie nodded, seeing that his understanding had finally dawned. ‘We um...made a baby last Valentine’s.’
A baby...? Roman’s first thought turned his blood to ice. ‘Did something happen? To the baby?’
It must have been the worst thing imaginable. Why else would she keep this a secret from him all this time?
Sadie frowned, gripping his hands tight so his focus sharpened on her mouth. ‘Nothing happened. Nothing’s wrong. She’s beautiful. A healthy two-month-old.’
‘What...?’ The floor tilted under Roman’s feet. He reached out to steady himself on the edge of the desk. This couldn’t be happening.
He had a baby. Another child. A two-month old.
‘We used protection,’ he muttered, blindly scrambling for the first idiotic thought to enter his head. But he was deliberately careful. He’d never wanted to be a father again.
‘You said you couldn’t have children.’ If he’d been able to think, he might not have chosen such accusatory statements, but he had no thoughts that made sense. This must be some sort of joke.
Sadie nodded, her sympathetic stare and her hand clutching his all the confirmation he required that her words were true. ‘I know. She’s a tiny little miracle. Her name is Milly.’
Milly... He swallowed, his throat full of sawdust.
Stunned, Roman shook his head. ‘No... I can’t... No...’
A baby...? A miracle baby. A baby he knew nothing about.
‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?’ Staring at Sadie, he tried to deflect the emotions pounding him like blows from a heavyweight boxer.
He welcomed the pain; he’d lived with it so long. Fresh guilt sliced through him, like slashes from a scalpel. Miko was his baby. He loved Miko.
‘I’m sorry,’ Sadie said, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘I know it’s a shock for you. I wanted to break the news better than this.’
Nausea gripped him, disbelief rendering him speechless.
He closed his eyes, but that didn’t help, because all he could see was his beloved son as a two-month-old. How could he possibly be a father again when he was so...broken? How could he be what a child needed when he’d spent so long alone, shutting down his need for other people? How would he love another child when his heart was full with Karolina and Miko?
‘If I’d had any way of contacting you during the past eleven months,’ Sadie continued with her explanation, ‘I would have told you as soon as I found out I was pregnant. And when you showed up here, I was so shocked that I couldn’t find the words. I never intended to keep it from you. I planned to tell you that first day. But then I was still attracted to you and I’d just found out that you were our eligible doctor and the moment passed. After that, I just couldn’t seem to find the right time.’
He opened his eyes. The fear lacing his blood was as fresh as the moment he’d received a bad-news call from the hospital four years ago.
‘Is she okay?’ he gritted out, some innate protective instinct in him needing confirmation, even though he didn’t know this child. His child.
‘She’s fine. Perfect,’ Sadie rushed to reassure him as her tears spilled over, landing on her cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry you had to find out this way.’
‘So am I...’ Still dazed by the mind-bending news, Roman looked away. He was in survival mode, his empathy for Sadie’s anguish missing in action while he tried to process the news he’d never thought he’d experience again.
‘I called the hotel in Vienna, when I was pregnant,’ Sadie added. ‘But even if I’d known your name, they have a policy to protect guests’ privacy.’
She glanced down at her twisting hands. ‘I planned to tell you that night at the bar, but then you shared your past with me and I was scared that my news would upset you even more.’
Just then, his pager emitted its silence-shattering tone. Roman scrubbed his hand through his hair and cancelled it, mumbling, ‘I need to go back to Theatre.’
‘Of course.’ Sadie collected herself, swiping the tears from her cheeks. Perhaps sensing how overwhelmed he felt, she reached for his hand. ‘Roman, don’t worry; I don’t expect anything from you. I know you’re leaving London soon. I know you didn’t want another child.’
She meant what he’d said in Vienna about marriage and kids. What he’d reiterated on several occasions since seeing her again. Of course he hadn’t wanted another child. He never again wanted to experience the pain of loving and losing.
Only Sadie’s miracle had intervened. His daughter was here anyway.
Numb, he stared at her hand on his, shattered anew by Sadie’s blotchy face and haunted eyes. Her confession had taken its toll on them both.
She dropped his hand. ‘I know how you feel about it and it’s okay,’ she whispered.
‘Do you know how I feel?’ he said, shaking his head.
A child changed everything. Right now, he didn’t even know which way was up. ‘Because I can’t even begin to verbalise my feelings.’
She nodded, a frown of concern on her face as she watched him inch towards the door. ‘That’s fine, too.’
Her teeth snagged her bottom lip, catching Roman’s gaze.
It seemed like hours since they’d kissed. Another lifetime.
If only the constant pull of their chemistry were his most pressing consideration. Now there were bigger issues to contemplate. Now Sadie and he weren’t simply past lovers, reunited, they were parents. Now there was a tiny baby called Milly.
Overwhelmed by his conflicting emotions, he rushed back to Theatre, choked by fear and grief. Was he capable of being a father again? Could he love another child? Would a new baby diminish his precious memories of Miko even further? And could he bear to find out?