This chapter is about sex. Therefore it has sex in it. WELL, DUH. If you are a younger reader and feel you aren’t ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.
HOWEVER, before you do, I’d like to remind you that we taught you all about straight sex when you were TEN YEARS OLD during year 6. The fact that they didn’t also teach you what same-sex couples do is nothing less than institutionalised homophobia. Straight sex was presented as the norm to make five per cent of the population feel abnormal. Is there something icky about gay sex? Is there something wrong with it? I challenge any politician to discuss this with me. I WILL RUIN THEM.
This chapter is simply all the stuff teachers SHOULD be saying if they want to be inclusive of people with same-sex feelings.
When I was a tiny proto-gay, the idea of two men or two women having sex was hilariously funny. I ascertained at quite a young age that a boy had to pop his peen inside a lady-locket in order to make a baby happen. That made sense. What didn’t make sense was how two men could possibly enjoy making the ends of their penises meet in the middle, or what joy two women could garner from rubbing their front bums together. Surely the friction alone would spark a small fire.
I, for real, used to think that ‘bumming’ was the act of bouncing bottoms together like a fleshy pillow fight. I was confused at how such a wholesome activity could cause such outrage and disdain.
My confusion, I’m sure you’ll agree, was delightfully innocent but actually hinted at something much darker.
Once upon a time, there was a very bad lady – let’s, for the sake of argument, call her Maggie. She decreed that teachers must not include ‘gay lifestyles’ in sex education lessons. This was called ‘Section 28’, and it explains why I, as a young gay man, had no idea what a gay man was OR what they did.
Some years later, a slightly less evil man – let’s call him Tony – took this piece of legislation away. That was good because now teachers COULD talk about being gay in schools.
Only one problem: Lots still didn’t because they weren’t told exactly what they should say to young people. Teachers aren’t given scripts. Very often, teachers still sidestep the subject entirely because they’re scared they’re being ‘inappropriate’. How can teaching THOUSANDS of young LGB* people in schools how to have safe, healthy sexual relationships be ‘inappropriate’?
‘My school was deeply conservative, and the entire extent of our sex education was to shock us out of sexual behaviour by showing us stacks of photographs of diseased genitalia. Somehow this didn’t violate their “no pornography” policy; maybe it doesn’t count as porn if the sight of it makes you want to dry-retch. The existence of LGBT* people was ignored.’
Stephen, 22, Johannesburg.
Lucky for the UNIVERSE, therefore, that I have no shame and will happily fill you in (ooh er) on all the ins and outs of ‘gay sex’.
My earliest sexual experiences were some of the most scary, embarrassing, nightmare-inducing incidents I dread to think about. I was so unprepared. You think watching as much porn as your eyes can take will help – believe me, it doesn’t.
James, 20, London.
Let’s get one thing straight: pornography is NOT sex education. That is true of all porn – gay, straight, lesbian, whatever. Here’s why:
Basically, porn is fine and fun, but it is in no way REAL. You can take ideas, but it’s definitely not for beginners. Everyone, including young gay, lesbian, bi, curious and queer people, is entitled to high-quality, expertly taught sex education.
Heterosexual sex is taught as THE NORM. Not just at school but in ninety-nine per cent of TV shows, films, books, magazines and news stories. It’s no wonder, therefore, that many LGB* people’s first sexual dalliances are with the opposite sex. Ah, the feeling of being shoehorned into societal norms. Cosy.
Therefore, many LGB* people lose their virginity twice – once with each gender! Both can be equally nerve-racking, but this is how a lot of people figure out what their preference is.
‘I lost my virginity at age sixteen. I was making a concerted effort at the time to prove to myself that I was a hetero male so that I could ignore my thoughts, and my attraction to women was all I had to cling to on that front. I quickly realised that while I was attracted to women, I wasn’t attracted to them as a man, I was attracted to them as a woman, in a purely female sense. I like to view my losing my “gay virginity” at age twenty, last year. This was the first time I had sex with a partner who viewed me as female, viewed us as a gay couple, and was willing to work with me to have sex in a way that felt appropriate for me. This was the first time I had sex as a woman in my eyes and my partner’s, which feels a much more real event to me.’
Laura, 21, UK.
‘With a guy it was awkward. I didn’t know what I was doing or what anything was supposed to feel like. I was really disconnected from myself. With a girl, it was exciting, it was comfortable. It helped that we were each other’s first girl experience, so neither one of us really knew what we were doing. But we learned quickly, and it was just fun.’
Sarah, 29, Iowa, USA.
‘On my sixteenth birthday, I went to hang out at a guitar shop near my house which I used to spend a lot of time at. The owner was older, and married, and we’d been flirting with each other for a few months, though till then nothing had come of it. On this day, however, I spent hours there, as I had nothing to do till my mum finished work. The shop was quiet, and as the morning went on we got more and more tactile until we were rubbing our crotches against each other. We managed to stop short of getting our knobs out in the shop, and he suggested that I come round to his house the next day on his day off when his wife would be at work to help him “wash his car”. When I arrived, the car had already been washed, though it took us both a couple of hours to muster up the courage to do anything. In the meantime, we made excruciating small talk and browsed that week’s Lidl leaflet. We carried on seeing each other for a few months.’
L, 28, Brighton.
Here is a diagram of a boy. If you are also a boy, you are probably aware which parts FEEL NICE when you touch them, but here’s a rough guide.
Two men can pleasure each other in a variety of fun ways.
1. Handies: Perhaps the most important skill you will master as a gay or bi man is the timeless classic, the hand job. The good news is, you can practise on yourself. The bad news is, each guy has become very used to his own way of getting himself off. Learning how to find a partner’s personal style can take ages, but it can be very rewarding when you do.
Something they don’t teach you in school is that, in order to be able to cum at all, you or your partner may need to finish off with a handie. A lot of people find it hard to cum through other types of sex. This is fine, and certainly not something you have to apologise for.
A GOOD HANDIE is all about the wrist action. Rub the head of his cock back and forth with your hand. Try different speeds and pressures until he responds positively.
A BAD HANDIE is grasping a todger and shaking it like a ketchup bottle.
Finally, my misunderstanding about rubbing two peens together wasn’t far off the mark – rubbing them together in one hand feels awesome – MEGACOMBOHANDIE (trademark pending).
TIP: If your partner is circumcised (‘cut’) you will want to try a drop of lube – remember he hasn’t got as much skin to move around as uncut guys.
2. Blowies: Oral sex is popping another dude’s peen in your mouth or, indeed, popping yours in his. There is only one hard and fast rule when it comes to blowies – WATCH THE TEETH. Lips and tongue, yes; teeth, NO.
As with handies and breakfast eggs, all men like their blowies served in different ways. The term ‘blow job’ is massively misleading, as you won’t actually be blowing on his penis – it’s more about sucking (although I stress you’re not trying to suck his kidneys out through his urethra). It’s more about sliding your mouth up and down the shaft of his cock.
Letting a guy cum in your mouth is a safe sex no-no. Get away from the volcano before it erupts. In fact, be aware that many sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are often spread through oral sex.
3. Bumming: It is a universal truth that many men like sticking their willies inside things. I suspect it must be biological. Well, in the absence of a vagina, gay and bi men make excellent use of the back door.
Wanna know a secret? Straight people have anal sex all the time too. Another one? Straight men like stuff up their bums just as much as gay ones. Why? As mentioned before, the prostate gland (located just up your bum) feels amazing when massaged. Lots of men, gay or straight, like how this feels. Anal sex ISN’T a ‘gay thing’.
Still, unlike vaginal sex, a little more thought has to go into anal sex, and here’s why:
Pre care: As pleasant as bumming can be, we must hold in mind that the primary function of the back passage is to do poos. Poo is not sexy. Therefore, those of you planning to have anal sex will need to dedicate a portion of time to ensuring poo doesn’t creep into sexyfuntime.
The best, healthiest method is to make sure you’ve been to the loo before attempting bum sex and have had a jolly good clean afterwards. Poo is not held in the rectum, so there shouldn’t be an issue. Some people choose to douche. You can buy a douche online or from an adult shop. Basically, this involves squirting a little bit of water into your back passage to clean the area out. It’s a DIY colonic irrigation!
It goes like this: squirt the lukewarm water up your bum, hold for a few moments before releasing into the toilet. Repeat this process two or three times or until the bum water runs clear. Note: Bum water is not drinking water.
A lot of people don’t douche. For one thing it’s not very spontaneous, and for another some sources suggest more harm than good can come from washing away the bum’s mucus lining (which protects the bum lining from tearing thus preventing some STIs).
I recognise this doesn’t sound VERY sexy, but this is the reality of bum sex, I’m afraid, and a little forethought will make your sex sexier.
Roles: This is where dude–dude pairings can get tricky. At the end of the day, if you want to have anal sex, one of you is going to have to go ‘top’ (the one who puts his willy in) and the other ‘bottom’ (the one who gets the willy up his bum). Gay men seem to spend a lot of time talking about this. It’s actually not a massive deal, as most guys are ‘versatile’ and will happily switch roles depending on mood, although there are guys who prefer to be strictly top or bottom.
Is the top ‘the man’ and the bottom ‘the woman’?
NO. The whole point of being gay is that it’s two guys. Being a bottom makes a dude no less manly than his top partner. Look at it this way: he’s literally ‘taking it like a man’.
How do you know if you’re a top or bottom? It’s easy – if the thought of having a big hard thing poked up your bum is arousing, you are probably a bottom. See? Easy.
Some guys are quite upfront about their preference, as this saves time further down the line and the potential awkwardness of winding up in bed with two confirmed tops desperately trying to convince each other why they might like to think otherwise. That said, most of the time, this can be figured out as you go along and, as mentioned above, there’s no rule that says you have to have anal sex every time you have sex. Far from it.
Lube: Unlike the vagina, the anus does NOT lubricate itself. You NEED lube if you’re going to attempt anal. This is for two reasons. One, anal sex hurts. The anus does not have the capacity to stretch in the same way a vagina does. This means it’s a tight hole (which feels nice for the top), but it also means it can be very uncomfortable for the bottom. This is why lots of men don’t like being bottom. With the right water-based lube, however, it can be hugely enjoyable – a good kind of pain like a deep tissue massage.
Two, lube makes it less likely your condom will split. The anus is a pretty fragile membrane, which means it’s easier to get STIs through anal sex than vaginal. You really do need to wear a condom for anal sex.
P.S. A bit of spit, Brokeback Mountain–style, is NOT a substitute for a proper water-based lubricant, which you can get free with condoms from gay bars, doctors and clinics or buy pretty much anywhere. Vaseline and baby oil are oil-based and actually decay condoms. Don’t use these as lube.
Finally, it’s worth noting that some gay and bi men don’t like anal sex at all. It could be that it kinda hurts, or it could be the fact that it’s the hole poo comes out of, but some guys (and girls) just don’t go there, and that’s fine. NOT having bum fun doesn’t mean you can’t identify as a gay man, OBVIOUSLY.
Here is a diagram of a woman. If you are also a woman, you are probably aware which parts FEEL NICE when you touch them, but here’s a rough guide.
Two women can pleasure each other in a variety of fun ways.
1. Fingers: Far more effective than a penis in many ways, a hand can do the job of five penises in one. When gay women refer to having sex, this is usually what they mean. Lesbians can stimulate the clitoris and vagina and bring their partner to orgasm with their fingers, sometimes both partners can do this simultaneously.
2. Oral: That clitoris really does like being licked and kissed. Again, girls can take it in turns to perform oral sex or, if feeling adventurous, they can perform it at the same time.
3. Toys and strap-ons: Some women like these, some don’t. Much has been written about why gay women would seek to play with a replacement penis, but I say who the heck cares – if it feels nice, go for it! Moreover, a man is more than a penis – just because a woman wants something a bit penis-shaped doesn’t mean she fancies broad shouldered, beardy, no-boobed men.
Toys, dildos, vibrators and strap-ons all fulfil the same purpose – a prosthesis to insert into the vagina. As with gay men, one woman isn’t the ‘man’. Two women having same-sex sex are both (yup) women!
Clearly, I am not a gay woman and, as such, why would you possibly come to me for tips on girl-girl sex? Well, quite. So I’ve called in an expert – gay writer, Fi Locke:
Let’s talk about dildos: I think a lot of people assume that where there is no penis, a desperate sexual void is created, out of which something dick-shaped must ultimately slot in order to satisfy a vagina.
Basically, there’s holes everywhere, but you DON’T HAVE TO FILL THEM ALL! Not necessarily even with your tongue (personally, I don’t think that feels nice) and not with something penis-shaped, either.
I think most good orgasms revolve around the clit – well, for me and mine anyway! If you then want to get a bit fancy, there’s nothing wrong with a few fingers inside (or a hand, depending on, well … y’know) during, or proceeding on from, some clitoral stimulation.
But that’s orgasms. And as great as they are, it’s not always all about them.
I’ve only ever slept with two women who enjoyed using dildos. I hate wearing a strap-on. I’ve only ever done it once and NEVER AGAIN! But then I’m more of a receiving kind of person anyway. (Also, strap-ons are really hard work! You need to be FIT to really shag with one of them! And don’t ever expect to cum when you’re wearing it.)
The whole ‘butch dykes love strap-ons’ thing is rubbish. I’ve heard differing opinions from friends and lovers about this which vary from agreement with the above statement to the feeling of actually feeling quite emasculated by a ‘pretend dick’. It’s totally personal. Some people love them, some people don’t.
But back to orgasms. I love a good shag from a hand or a dildo –vaginal or anal – but, honestly, that’s not about the orgasm, it’s about the pleasure of being shagged. And sometimes that pleasure is pleasure enough in itself. That’s not a timid ‘It’s ok darling, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy’ excuse. Genuinely, there doesn’t always need to be an orgasm.
What else? Well, it’s OK to ask for help sometimes. Everybody’s lady gardens are mapped out differently, so if your lover is doing it wrong, help her out. Even if it means doing it for her once or twice. That might feel like you’re just using her hand to have a wank with, and it is, really, but hopefully after a while she’ll start to notice where you’re putting it.
I’ve been with a lot of girls with this kind of ‘This isn’t straight sex, it’s lesbian sex, and we’re nicer and more respectful than them’ attitude. That’s boring. It’s really boring. Just go for it and don’t ever be ashamed about anything.
Lastly, I think you’ll always have to take turns (unless you’re 69ing). I haven’t found an effective way to not take turns yet. Just make sure you don’t do it in a ‘Right, I suppose I have to do you, now’ kind of way.
Actually really lastly: on reflection, I don’t think girl-on-girl sex is any different to any other type of sex. If you just listen to what your body wants, what turns you on, and are never ashamed to ask for it, and if you experiment wherever possible, explore every corner of your desire, even if you only do it once, then you’ll learn what you love and what you don’t want and, voilà, you’ll be enjoying sexy sex in no time!
Oh, OK, actual last thoughts:
Who ever said that lesbians can’t have sex? We beg to differ.
Like gay men, some women prefer to role-play the more dominant or ‘top’ role, while others prefer to be a ‘bottom’ – a less active role.
HOWEVER, I think it’s worth noting that the idea of roles is far from unique to men and women of a gay or bi persuasion. Many straight couples will experiment with power play as well, with one partner being more submissive to the other. Gay people did not invent this concept. Just look at that whole Fifty Shades malarkey.
For some gay people, the idea of ‘top or bottom’ or ‘active or passive’ is an important part of being sexually fulfilled.
‘If it’s for a quick shag on Grindr, etc., then yes [roles matter]. I don’t use those sort of apps to have a chat or make friends. Its always better to be having sex with someone compatible with you in that regard, though. Wanking is something I do on my own, so not really up for just doing that with a partner.’
Jonny, London E2.
‘They [roles] did matter for a while. I spent a few years experimenting with sub/dom. I had a partner who was strictly dom and would play games both in the bedroom and in public. Like, we would be in a restaurant and I would only be allowed to eat my lunch with my left hand, for example, unless she told me otherwise. Or a few times we went to Klub Fuk and she’d flog me in front of everyone or whatever. That’s all fun for a while, but I’m a bit older now and it’s started to feel a bit silly or boring recently.’
Fi, 29, Madrid.
‘[Roles] shouldn’t matter, however people are wired different ways. Some people regard certain sexual acts as either preferences or necessities. If someone can only be aroused by being dominated, then it’s good that they’re open about that in order to find someone who will fulfil that need.’
Stuart, 33, UK.
The sex lives of trans people can be a little more complicated than most, but they need not be. There is one important thing to remember – people don’t fall in love with genitalia.
As most transsexuals living in their preferred gender are upfront about this, either when meeting people or online, their partners enter into relationships knowing full well what rudie bits their new paramour possesses; therefore, it’s not an issue. Some people actively seek trans partners – both pre- and post-op.
Some trans people can opt for genital surgery, while others prefer not to, so this will obviously affect a person’s sex life.
The same smorgasbord of sexual activities is available to trans people as to gay or straight people. Any hole’s a goal (just kidding!) and everywhere feels nice.
Sex between women is very different than heterosexual sex. There’s no pre-arranged goal of ejaculation and orgasm. So I think dating women, as a woman, is in that sense easier – the sex is a little more casual. Where does the line between kissing or even talking and sex begin? We in the kink community are aware that there are a multitude of ways people can “have sex” and achieve gratification without touching, and without orgasm. So this is all very fuzzy.
However, I think that applies to the *lesbian* experience more than to the transgender woman experience. Your mileage may vary.
There’s also the fetishization of (particularly) transwomen. If you look at the personals on Craigslist, you will see various sections, w4m, m4w, w4w, and so on. But there’s also t4m and m4t. The problem with this is that there are men out there who I assume are curious about sex-with-men and so seek out women (which feels safe and normal to them) who have penises (which indulges their curiosity about sex with men). But I am not a man. And my sexual “response profile” is very different than a man. That tissue that men are familiar with, it doesn’t work the same on a transwoman. My emotional response is different. So these personals and dating sites particularly for “trans” people (to include crossdressers and drag queens, the post-op, pre-op, and non-op trans people, etc etc), are almost entirely about fetishization. Which I don’t want. I want to be treated as a woman.
Jane, Washington, USA.
But, seriously, whoever you are, whatever gender you identify with and however many labels you wear, there are two rules to good sex:
1. Do what feels nice.
2. Communicate with your partner. (How else are you going to find out what feels nice for him or her, and how would they know what feels nice for you?)
Well, first of all, I don’t like the word ‘slutty’, so let’s rephrase that to it’s proper word, ‘PROMISCUOUS’, which basically means ‘has sex with multiple partners’. Second of all, anyone who suggests that all gay men are promiscuous is a raging homophobe.
HOWEVER, the fact of the matter is that many stereotypes have a seed of truth lurking under all the horse crap. In this instance, both my own research and that of other writers suggests that gay men do seem inclined to promiscuity. In my survey, ONLY gay men reported having more than twenty partners in their lifetime, with several reporting they had had sex with more than a hundred.
This is not meant to be shocking. It is simply a fact. Remember, as young gay people, we were raised on HETERONORMATIVE VALUES, which means the values of the straight people who are in the majority.
Until very, very recently, same-sex couples couldn’t even get married, so OF COURSE LGB* people haven’t always played by the same rules as our heterosexual brothers and sisters. The gay scene has its own norms, and one of those norms, it seems, is promiscuity.
Some theories about gay male promiscuity:
1. BOYS WILL BE BOYS: We (and that’s all of us, women too) get the RAGING HORN because of TESTOSTERONE – a hormone. Men make more of it than women. Fact. From an evolutionary perspective, a male could make about fifty babies in the time it takes a female to have one. It is thought that monogamy (having one sexual partner) stems from our prehistoric need to have a male hunter-gatherer handy to help provide for a female’s offspring. Basically, the only reason straight men aren’t having as much sex as gay ones is because their girlfriends would have them out on the street in a heartbeat.
This theory is somewhat supported by research that suggests men are more likely to cheat than women.
Well, imagine women are removed from the equation – like-minded gay men can have all the sex they like, without the risk of falling pregnant.
This does not excuse bad behaviour. As higher mammals, we have evolved beyond simply reacting to the chemicals in our bodies and we are not ruled by them. No man, gay or straight, HAS to be promiscuous or a shady cheater.
2. NORMALISED BEHAVIOURS: Promiscuity is perhaps most associated with the larger ‘gay scenes’ – cities and towns where a lot of gay men tend to live. Within gay subcultures, men are supportive and non-judgemental of promiscuity; therefore, it becomes a social norm. Again, this does not excuse bad behaviour such as cheating on a partner or having lots and lots of unsafe sex.
3. MISOGYNY: Years of sexist dung has embedded the idea that promiscuous men are legends and promiscuous women should be dragged through the village square tied to the back of cart dressed as Moll Flanders (look it up). Men, gay or straight, are not subjected to the same ‘shaming’ as women, although I would argue that this is changing – everyone sees sleeping around as a little tacky, even gay men who are doing so, paradoxically.
I also wonder why, if straight men look like dogs if they treat women badly, gay men are seen (wrongly) as ‘tough’ and can treat each other as badly as they like. Women tend to frown on promiscuous straight men, but are often non-judgemental of promiscuous gay ones.
American therapist Alan Downs talks a lot about promiscuity in his book The Velvet Rage, which you could read if you’re interested in this sort of thing. He writes only about gay men but believes (some) gay men behave the way they do because of an internalised homophobia that he calls ‘shame’.
Feeling we’re weird and wrong (which goes back to the ‘different’ and ‘not normal’ labels) has, he says, led us to believe we are unlovable, so we act that out in various ways, one of which is casual sex with multiple partners. He believes we are seeking external validation through physical acceptance by sexual partners. Doctors and nurses in sexual health clinics would probably agree that SOME gay men’s attitudes towards sex are unhealthy. For whatever reason, gay men are more predisposed to addiction problems, including ‘sex addiction’, but that is not ALL gay men.
I am less sure than Alan Downs. There is nothing wrong with having multiple sexual partners. GASP – BURN THE HERETIC! I know, right? If all partners are honest, open and safe about their lifestyle choices, it makes no difference how many sexual partners you have – but don’t go picking on someone else’s patch, mind! No one likes a boyfriend- or girlfriend-pinching magpie!
It’s about CHOICES, and I believe everyone should be able to live the way they want to live as long as they don’t hurt anyone else OR THEMSELVES in the process. You can choose to be promiscuous or you can choose not to be. Regardless of how many partners your mates have, regardless of your raging horn, regardless of how many offers you get … the CHOICE is always yours.
And now for the bad news. The more sexual partners you have, the more likely you are to pick up an STI. There are numerous ones out there, some worse than others; most are treatable and all are avoidable.
A little slice of good news: statistically, gay women are at a low risk of STIs as long as they make sure any toys are cleaned (and you can put condoms on them too).
Infections that can be transmitted by blood, however, can be passed, in theory, through bleeding gums or cuts on fingers. No one is ever risk free (something to think about before you cheat on a partner).
More bad news: statistically speaking, gay men are in a high-risk category. This is mainly down to promiscuity on the gay scene. Hey! Don’t shoot the messenger! Again, the more partners you have, the more likely you are to get an STI.
Get ready to feel some hi-intensity psychosomatic itching! Let’s take a look at some common STIs:
1. Genital herpes: Nasty, painful and itchy sores on your penis, vagina, mouth or anus. Basically, a cold sore on the knob or fee-fee. Cannot be cured (you’ll carry a dormant version of the virus for life) but can be treated. Once infected, victims may well experience further itchy/painful episodes.
2. Gonorrhoea: Although this infection is not always symptomatic, the most pressing symptom is a burning sensation when you pee. Some sufferers may also get a delightful pus-like discharge from the penis or vagina. As the infection is bacterial, it can be treated with antibiotics, although doctors are becoming increasingly worried about this infection’s resistance to treatment.
3. Genital warts: Genital warts are caused by a virus called HPV, which is present in about thirty per cent of all sexually active people. It’s highly contagious but, of the people who have it, only about three per cent will ever develop a wart on the penis, vagina or anus. Visible warts can be treated with wart-removal cream, cryotherapy (freezing them off), excision (cutting them off – ouch!) or electro- or laser therapy (to burn them off). As if those methods weren’t pleasant enough, the virus remains forever and recurrence is possible.
4. Syphilis: Large, non-itchy, non-painful ulcers on the genitals or anus are the first sign of syphilis. This one needs to be treated quickly with antibiotics or there could be secondary symptoms. If left untreated, it can affect the brain, eventually leading to death. Cheery.
5. Crabs: This one is confusing. WHY would you have crabs down there? Turns out ‘crabs’ is a name for ‘pubic lice’ – sort of nits for your pubes. You can see them AND they’re super itchy. They can be treated with a lotion, but they can be a bugger to get rid of. As well as the itching, crabs have the embarrassing side effect of your having to confess to your parents, because the lice can live on bedding, clothes and towels. Therefore, affected items need to be boil washed before you potentially give your mum crabs.
6. Chlamydia: In about fifty per cent of cases, you might experience a slight discharge or a burning sensation when you pee. Or you might have chlamydia and never know it because you don’t have any symptoms. The consequences for women are much more serious, as the bacteria can lead to severe reproductive problems. (It’s worth noting that chlamydia can lead to sterility in men too). In 2012, 206,912 people were treated for chlamydia in the UK, making it by far the most common STI in the country. That’s just the ones who were treated too.
7. Hepatitis B and C: There’s a whole alphabet of hepatitis viruses out there, but these are the ones mostly commonly transmitted via sex. They are infections of the liver and can be very serious. Hepatitis B can be vaccinated against (there is as yet no vaccine for hepatitis C).
This one gets its own special section because it’s of particular importance to gay and bi men, who (in the Western world) are the highest-risk group for this infection. Women, do be aware that HIV can be transmitted via oral sex, but you are not in a high-risk group, statistically speaking.
For my generation, being gay and dying of AIDS were cruelly linked. Young gay guys in the eighties and nineties feared coming out for this very reason, like we said earlier.
New cases of HIV are rising. How can this be, when we ALL know to use condoms, especially for anal sex? Two reasons: first, the nationwide campaign warning people about HIV and AIDS terrified a generation. Once the message seemed to get across, the NHS switched its priorities elsewhere – heterosexual people at far higher risk of catching chlamydia, for instance. This means that education about HIV is poorer than it used to be. The second reason is that triumphant breakthroughs in the treatment of HIV mean that people live with the virus for much, much longer (which is great, obviously – no one likes dying) and are therefore infectious for longer, coming into contact with more sexual partners.
This means we need to change how we view HIV (relatively few people go on to develop AIDS any more if treated).
HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is a hardcore virus that attacks a host’s immune system, making it very hard for the body to defend itself from illness. AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome) CANNOT be ‘caught’ but refers to the illnesses a person with HIV might develop as a result of their condition.
You can get HIV by coming into contact with the blood or semen of someone else who is already HIV-positive. By far the most common way to do this is through unprotected (no condom) anal sex.
Yes, although the risk is much, much less than with anal sex. It is possible because people can suffer bleeding gums, making the recipient vulnerable to the virus through his partner’s cum or pre-cum. Catching HIV through oral sex is very, very rare. But it can happen, so be aware!
There is no cure for HIV. Many HIV-positive people are under treatment to keep them as healthy as possible.
Around 100,000 people in the UK are HIV-positive, but – and here comes the scary bit – one quarter of these people DON’T KNOW IT because they are not regularly being tested.
Regarding gay people, it is thought that around one in twenty gay or bisexual men are positive, with this figure increasing to one in ten in big cities with large gay scenes like London or Manchester.
Numbers of new cases in gay and bisexual men are rising, not falling.
The term ‘viral load’ refers to how much HIV is in a person’s blood at a given time. With the right treatment, most sufferers can get their load down to an ‘undetectable’ level, which means they are far, far less likely to pass the virus on to a sexual partner.
A person’s viral load is at its highest immediately after infection and before treatment is started. This is when a person is most infectious.
‘PEP’ stands for post-exposure prophylaxis. If a person is exposed to HIV, they can be treated with PEP for up to seventy-two (but preferably within twenty-four) hours after exposure. PEP is NOT a substitute for a condom and can have very unpleasant side effects. However, if taken correctly over a month-long period, PEP can stop HIV infection. It can be obtained at A&E departments or sexual health clinics, where they will assess your level of risk (please see ‘Helpful numbers and websites and stuff’ at the back of the book).
HIV is everyone’s business. HIV doesn’t discriminate between old and young, black or white, top or bottom, gay or straight. We all tend to think ‘it won’t happen to me’ … until it does.
You might think that’s simplistic, but it’s also true. The best way to ensure you don’t get HIV is to always wear a condom when you have anal sex. (This also goes for all the other fun STIs I mentioned.) I can sense eye-rolling …
‘Porn stars never wear condoms’ – Yup, but they get tested every month. Even then, a recent HIV outbreak shut down the porn industry, after a number of actors became infected.
‘It’s sexier without a condom’ – OK, fair enough, but you might get HIV. Which is not sexy.
‘He says he’s HIV-negative’ – he can’t be sure. Even if he had an HIV test that day, that is only an indication of his HIV status six weeks ago, as that is how long it takes the virus to show up in the blood.
As well as always wearing a condom, it’s a good idea to have an HIV test about every six months if you are sexually active. Why? As I said above, you are at your most infectious in the early days. Knowing early means it’s less likely you could pass on the virus, and you can get on treatment faster, which is better for you too.
Your health is your responsibility.
Every morning, I wake up, and the first thing I do after throwing the alarm clock across the room, is go to the bathroom, where I carefully place two bits of plastic onto my eyeballs so I can see properly.
Yes, I’m short-sighted. Shocking, isn’t it? I mean, you wouldn’t know unless I told you. But yep, I genuinely can’t see my hand in front of my face without my lenses.
Being short-sighted isn’t my fault; it’s just something that happened to me.
And an hour later, before I leave the house for work, I tip four small tablets into my hand and knock them back with a glass of milk. To help my immune system cope with the effects of the HIV virus.
So there’s two things you wouldn’t guess from just looking at me.
Despite what you may have heard, HIV is no longer the killer it used to be. Sorry to disappoint anyone wondering if I look like Tom Hanks did at the end of ‘Philadelphia’, but I’m actually quite normal looking. Some might even say buff – although my fondness for biscuits tends to put paid to anything resembling the six pack I had in my early 20s. Being HIV positive isn’t ‘dramatic’ on a daily basis. But then again I’ve had about twelve years to get used to the idea. I’m not going to bore you with the details of how I got it. Had sex, didn’t think about the consequences. Thought I was invincible. Wasn’t. Was I a slag? No. Was I an idiot? Categorically yes. I remember getting diagnosed, back when I was 22. I wish I could say I felt angry, shocked, stunned, wretched, hysterical, whatever. I didn’t. I just felt like a cliché. Another goddamn statistic. And for what? Half an hour of giddy bareback sex? Sitting there in the clinic. It just felt so … pointless.
Fast forward twelve years and life is pretty calm and mundane. I mean, right now, the biggest stresses in my life are managing my chronic insomnia and finding a route to work that doesn’t involve sitting in my car for an hour and a half on the M25. Let me just make one thing clear, however: HIV is NOT a walk in the park. It’s difficult at times. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for the past three years with an HIV negative man. It required a fair bit of soul searching on my part before I actually bit the bullet and made a commitment to him. You see, when you love someone, you want to protect them, and exposing them to a lifelong virus for the sake of getting your end away requires a strong mind and an even stronger relationship. We cope. Our condom bill is huge.
Modern medication is excellent. I suffer a little with side effects, insomnia being one of them (see above), and diarrhoea being another, but it’s something I’ve learned to live with. Like having a limp. As a single guy I was always upfront with guys. I figured if they had a problem with me being HIV positive, it said a hell of a lot more about them than it did about me. I read profiles on dating sites saying ‘Clean only’ and ‘HIV negative – you should be too’ and all I saw was fear and ignorance. You see, having sex with a positive guy isn’t a death sentence. Actually, if he tells you he’s positive, it’s far more likely that he’s health aware, on meds and therefore has undetectable levels of the virus in his system. To put it bluntly; he’s pretty uninfectious. And when you take into account that over a quarter of people with HIV don’t know they’ve got it, it’s easy to do the maths. No medication means uncontrollable amounts of HIV, and a pretty infectious sexual partner.
If you ask my boyfriend, he’d rather be in a relationship with someone like me who’s got his HIV under control, than to rock out of a club every Saturday with some random who might not know, or might not care. As I’ve said to many naysayers on Gaydar and Grindr in my single years – “I’m not the first person you’ve ever slept with who’s got HIV; I’m just the first who’s been nice enough to tell you.”
Would I go back and do things differently given the chance? Maybe. I wish I could get rid of the virus and keep everything I’ve learnt from it. You see, it’s kind of made me the person I am today, and that bloke isn’t half bad. Living with HIV has taught me responsibility. It’s taught me compassion. It’s made me a lot less selfish.
At the age of 22 or 23 – whenever it was – I was wasting my life. I was checking out of reality in a haze of booze, drugs, clubs and sex. When the doctor spoke the words “Kristian, I’m afraid your test has come back positive’, my world changed forever.
Living with HIV has made me grow up. After I’d processed the emotional fallout, I realised I wasn’t going to die. Moreover, I realised I wanted to live. I wanted to help others like me. And all of a sudden my life had a purpose. Sounds schmaltzy? Develop a lifelong condition and see if it doesn’t give you an epiphany.
Nowadays I have a career, a relationship and a future. I do a lot of work in driving down stigma and raising awareness of HIV related issues. These days I’m proud to look people in the eye and tell them who I am and what HIV has made me. I get satisfaction from helping the newly diagnosed or those who are struggling. I feel pride when I look at what I’ve achieved. A straight male friend of mine texted me the other day to say he was taking part in human vaccine trials. He did it because my story had opened his eyes. I’m proud of that. I’m proud to have inspired people.
HIV isn’t a death sentence. Like I said, my life is pretty normal and – barring any wayward out-of-control buses – I reckon I’ll live a relatively long life. I won’t lie and say that HIV is a barrel of laughs to deal with, but in many ways, it’s actually made my life a lot richer. I really hope that one day we can find a cure. But in the meantime, I’d really love to find that quicker route into work …
THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST ALL STIs IS TO WEAR A CONDOM EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX.
For oral sex, some people use condoms or dental dams too.
As this is a guide to ALL things gay, it would be wrong of me not to mention the things most brochures would gloss over. In big cities all around the world, there are places that cater to gay men’s seeming obsession with sex.
Saunas, or ‘bath houses’, are dotted all over the country, and they are perfectly legal. People (many saunas run lesbian nights) pay some money to enter and then have a bit of a sauna and some random sex.
Again, this is fine as long as you’re safe.
That said, NEVER ONCE did I hear ANYONE say, ‘This is my husband, Derek. We met at Chariots in Vauxhall and it was TRUE LOVE.’ Saunas are regarded as a little sleazy, and people often visit these places in secret. It is also true that sexual health clinics often have to treat people who have been to saunas and come away with a little more than healthy, glowing skin …
The advent of the sex app has also removed the need to pay an entry fee. In big cities, people often use the apps to invite a load of people round for a ‘party’ or a ‘chillout’. These are code words for an orgy, simple as. Very often, there are drugs involved (which is silly because nothing makes a cock go floppy like many drugs – therefore, guys also have to bosh a load of Viagra. How EXHAUSTING). SOME sources suggest such parties are partly to blame for the sharp rise in HIV, syphilis and hepatitis on the gay scene. Geez, remember when ‘parties’ were about jelly and ice cream and sausages on sticks? Sigh. Let’s go back to that. CLEARLY, going round to some random’s flat with a load of guys you don’t know is a bit on the safety dubious side. And, dear God, wear a condom. Wear two.
Homosexual people love a lot of sex, but we also love a lot of love. Every day, all over the world, you’ll find gay men and women deeply, TOTALLY in love, and they have something better than just sex. They have intimacy, warmth, passion and LOVE – the NEED to be with their partner. Also:
You can have all the sex in the world, but it (quite literally) isn’t filling the same hole. I believe we all want to be loved.
This chapter was all about sex, not intimacy. You can’t find intimacy in a dark room or on Grindr. More valuable than bum or muff fun is holding hands, kisses and hugs. I’m sure some of you are miming sticking two fingers down your throat, but IT’S TRUE. Lots of LGBT* people don’t even have sex but can totally identify as gay, bi or straight because of who they seek intimacy with and who they LOVE. By all means, enjoy sex, but if you go looking for sex because you’re hungry for love, you’ll starve.