Hey there, parents and carers – how’s it going? Now, I guess there’s a possibility you purchased this book because your progeny identifies as lesbian, bi, gay, queer, curious or transgender. Perhaps you bought it because you suspect your child may be leaning that way. Either way, I’m glad you did. You have come to the right place.
Being a parent of an LGBT* (that little star represents the full spectrum of sexualities and identities) child is challenging, but only in the way that being a parent is challenging. In the NICEST POSSIBLE WAY, this isn’t about you. If you are really worried about WHAT THE NEIGHBOURS WILL SAY, then there’s not really a lot I can say or do to help you with that, other than tell you to get over it. The days of keeping LGBT* people hidden in closets or bricked up in walls are over.
OK, let’s break it down a bit.
Gay or bi son? Is it the sex stuff that’s worrying you? Here’s the thing – straight people do bum sex too. And two girls are pretty much doing what your daughter would be doing with a dude, I’m afraid. Basically NO parent needs a visual of that, so as a race we all have to buy into the shared delusion that our kids will only ever hold hands until the stork arrives, or else we’ll go mental.
Is HIV/AIDS worrying you? It should, but you should worry about your straight kids too – HIV isn’t at all picky. If you teach your kids about ALWAYS using condoms, however, you’ve done your job.
The BEST parent in the world would be one who prepared for having a gay child from conception, so that when baby comes into the world you aren’t incorrectly tagging them as straight and cisgender (the gender they are assigned at birth). Be READY for all eventualities.
In the very beginning of this book, I describe overhearing a mother telling her infant that when he’s older he’ll ‘kiss girls’. Well there’s a five per cent chance he’ll want to kiss boys, so that mother was potentially setting him up for a very difficult adolescence. All a parent needs to do is be HONEST and explain at an early age, in a totally appropriate way, that five per cent of people will want to kiss people the same sex as them. I assure you letting children in on this secret is NOT going to ‘turn them gay’. It really, REALLY doesn’t work like that. You could do a LOT worse than buying a copy of the gorgeous picture book And Tango Makes Three and sharing it with your child.
If you are a parent who is starting to suspect your child may be LBGT*, you would do a fantastic job to let them know how cool you are with that. Let them know, subtly, that you’re open minded; let them know that you’re there to listen; don’t turn off the TV when lesbians come on. Yeah, that actually happens a lot. Instead, use gay characters on TV as a talking point to display your coolness with the gay community – that way your son or daughter is much more likely to open up to you.
If your child has already ‘come out’ with their identity, then reading this book will help. It will give you a glimpse into the future – the case studies in this book have been through it all before, and we all survived. What’s more, most of us survived with our parental relationships intact, even if there were difficult periods. Unnecessarily difficult, I would argue.
But don’t just take it from me. I asked each of the participants in my study what advice they wish they’d given their parents before they came out. Here’s what they said:
‘Don’t force the issue, but take any opportunity to show that you are open to any choice that they want to make. My coming out was about as easy as it gets really, made that way by a mother who never pushed to find out but gave me an opportunity to tell her. Before you come out, it seems like the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and coming to terms with your own sexuality can take time.’
Chris, Manchester.
‘Let them be. That may sound weird, but if they want to talk to you about it, they will. The best thing you can do is try to let them know that you’re okay with it (in a subtle way, not saying outright to them, “It’s okay if you’re gay, you know”). If you’re not okay with it, then it’s time for you to think about that. Why aren’t you okay with it? What’s the real problem here?’
Kayla, 21, Winnipeg, Canada.
‘They are still your child, just reimagined. Forcing them back in the closet because you are uncomfortable is a s**tty thing to do. Pretending they are still straight is a crappy thing to do. Making them go to a pray-away-the-gay camp is not only very s**tty but a mentally and emotionally scarring experience. The world does not owe you a straight child; you produced, not reproduced. Is your tantrum over not “getting your way” worth the relationship with your child? You are still allowed to have opinions of your child’s partners, like whether they are good people, have goals, make your child happy. You know, like you would if your child were straight.’
Elizabeth, 23, Chicago, Illinois, USA.
‘Educate yourself from reputable sources. Be cool about it, even if you’re slightly freaking out inside. And ASK YOUR CHILD what they would like you to say to others, how they would like to be represented to the larger world by you. And then STICK TO THAT. It builds trust with your child and enables them to be comfortable in their life and progress at their own pace. Allow them to control their own narrative.’
Anon, 24, Boston, Massachusetts, USA.
‘Wait for them to tell you. If you ask them, they’ll freak out. It’s not fair to force them to come out to you. If you really want them to trust you, make sure that you create a space in which they feel safe and comfortable talking to you. It is your responsibility to make them feel like they can trust you.’
E, 16, Michigan, USA.
‘It’s a bumpy ride for any child growing up who isn’t heterosexual, so just listen to them. Allow them to talk freely and openly about who they are and respond with nothing but love and compassion, and stress to them that there is nothing wrong with them.’
Stuart, 33, UK.
The survey respondents MAINLY swing to the do NOT try to force it out of your child camp, although a few clearly say they would prefer a more direct route:
‘Sometimes asking outright is better than constantly hedging around the question. If my mum were to ask me, “Are you gay?” or, “Are you bi?” I’d answer honestly. Since she’s never done that, it’s always been a sort of elephant in the room for us.’
Stephanie, 24, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA
I think it’s up to you as a parent to know if your child will respond well to a very direct approach.
As a final point, be aware that your child’s identity isn’t your ‘fault’ and, even if it were, it’s no bad thing. I’ve been gay for a really long time now, and it’s pretty good fun. To be honest, in my careers as a teacher and author it’s had very little impact. I used to be in a band, and I did clinical neuropsychology at university. I got a first-class honours degree. My sexuality hasn’t held me back EVER.
Your child’s identity is a part of them that has always been there. They haven’t even changed; it’s just that now you’re seeing the whole picture – IT’S BUTTERFLY TIME.
