Grandad died at the end of June. It was a warm sunny Friday morning. Thankfully it was a peaceful passing. One moment he was sipping a drink of water and the next he was gone. Lying back on the pillows with a final sigh.
Granny was by his side and she gently covered his face with the white sheet while I stood in shocked silence by the side of the bed, the water glass still in my hand. She turned to me and, although she wasn’t crying, her eyes were glazed with unshed tears.
‘He’s passed all his suffering now, Ann. Go and get Hattie and your dad.’
I went to the Westport first, hoping Hattie would be at home. She was and she looked shocked at the news even although we had anticipated this moment for weeks.
‘I’ve to go and get Dad, Hattie.’
We walked to the Overgate together and I left her to go to the warehouse to see Dad. When I got there, I found him sitting in the tiny dusty office with its small grimy windows which let in shafts of filtered sunlight. As I entered, I could see he was busy with a pile of paperwork. He was bending over a book and, when I saw him, I began to cry.
He looked up in alarm and his face went white. ‘What is it, Ann? Is it Grandad?’
I nodded wordlessly and he came over and gave me a hug.
‘Come on, I’ll get my jacket and have a wee word with Mr Pringle.’
I waited outside. The sun was warm on my face and I felt so sad that Grandad couldn’t be with me on this lovely morning – or on any other morning.
Mr Pringle came to the door with Dad, his face full of sympathy. ‘I’m very sorry to hear about your grandad, Ann – so very sorry.’
Again, I just nodded, unable to form words in my mouth. Then Dad took my arm and we set off for the Overgate.
Hattie was sitting by the side of the bed and she was crying. Granny, as usual, was bustling around being busy and making tea.
Dad made her sit down beside me and we made a grieving semicircle around the bed and I suddenly thought how Grandad would have laughed at us all. Sitting with our sad faces. Then I realised I would never see or hear from him ever again and tears ran down my face.
Hattie gave a huge sob. ‘How many times did I tell him to give up that awful pipe? But he wouldn’t listen.’ Her voice was harsh with grief.
Granny took her hand. ‘Shush, Hattie. Dad’s at peace now and there’s no use in recriminations. You all knew what he was like. He enjoyed doing his own thing.’
Hattie just shook her head.
The rest of the day passed in a blur of visitors. Rosie and Jay arrived as soon as they heard the news and they were followed by Alice. The doctor came and wrote out the death certificate. He said a few words of comfort to Granny before leaving and he passed Bella who was coming in as he was going out.
Bella looked upset and, for once, didn’t comment on her own illnesses. She slumped down on the chair beside me. ‘Your poor grandad, Ann – at least he’s not suffering any more.’
I nodded again. I felt my head must surely fall off my neck by the amount of nodding I was doing but it saved me speaking and breaking down in a flood of tears in front of the visitors.
It was almost time to go and fetch Lily from the school. This was her last week at Rosebank School and I know she was a bit sad about leaving even though she was looking forward to the adventure of a new school in the autumn.
Lily had been staying at the Overgate for the past week as Granny thought we should tell her how serious Grandad’s illness was. I had explained as gently as I could about the finality of his life. I was amazed by how grown-up she had become and what I had failed to realise during Grandad’s illness was the fact that Lily had suspected how ill he was – we just hadn’t spoken of it.
So, every night, Lily had sat at the side of the bed and read the evening paper out loud to him. Sometimes he opened his eyes and looked at her which made her so happy. When this happened, she chattered on about her day at school but I didn’t have the heart to tell her he wouldn’t hear a fraction of it.
Now, standing at the school gate, I was unsure how to tell her. As it turned out, she guessed the truth from the look on my face.
‘It’s Grandad, isn’t it, Ann? He’s dead?’
‘Aye, he is, Lily. I’m really very sorry.’
Because Rosie and Jay hadn’t stayed too long at the Overgate, Dad had said to take her to the house and Rosie would look after her. As we walked towards the house, we both tried to keep the tears at bay until we reached the safety of Rosie’s kitchen.
Rosie was sitting at the table and she wiped her eyes as we entered. Jay was toddling around the kitchen, playing with his toys and singing a nursery rhyme. Normally we would have laughed at his antics but not today. As if sensing our grief, the song died away but thankfully he started singing it again when Rosie picked him up and hugged him tight. I made some tea and we sat around the table, speaking about our memories of Grandad.
Rosie recalled the episode of Lily’s pram and we smiled at the memory of it. Lily recalled her walks along the Esplanade with him and how he would buy her an ice-cream cone afterwards. As for me … well, the memories came flooding back. I particularly remembered how strong he and Granny had been after Mum’s death and I was suddenly filled with a deep sense of sadness at our loss and all the old thoughts that had filled my mind during the long dark years after Mum died came rushing back. Was this what life was all about? This vale of tears?
Lily wanted to come back with me to the Overgate but I explained there simply wasn’t enough room at the moment. Actually that wasn’t true but I didn’t want Lily to see Grandad. I wanted her to remember him as he had been in life – the centre of her existence.
I went to see Connie before heading back. She didn’t know what to say but what could anyone say? Grandad had had a long life. It had been a hard-working one, just like the majority of people, and now it was over. This was something that happened to us all but that didn’t mean it was a painless process. In fact, I felt I was falling apart with grief and sadness.
Maddie was in the house when I arrived and she came over and put her arms around me. This simple sympathetic gesture was something I would never forget.
She said, ‘I know it sounds cruel, Ann, but your grandad is at peace now. He would have suffered more and more as time went on, believe me.’
‘I know, Maddie.’
Granny was sitting with a box on her lap.
Maddie nodded towards it and said softly. ‘Your granny is looking at all the old photos. She’s had a good deal of comfort from that.’
We went over and Granny held out a faded sepia-tinted photo of a stiff-looking couple standing beside a huge potted palm. It was her wedding photo. Grandad was extremely young and good looking and Granny looked no more than a lassie. He was wearing a dark and severe-looking suit while Granny was in a long dress and an enormous hat.
She suddenly laughed out loud. ‘I mind fine how much he hated that hat – said it hid my bonnie face.’
Maddie took the photo from her shaking fingers and we gazed at the image of a happy event from another age. ‘It’s a lovely photo, Mrs Neill, and you both look so handsome.’
Granny sighed and put it back in her box. ‘Aye, he was a real handsome fellow was your grandad, Ann.’
Maddie said we would both stay the night with her but she shook her head.
‘No, you two go away back home. I’ll be fine on my own.’
But Maddie wouldn’t hear of it and she made Granny go next door to Alice’s house. ‘Ann and I will stay here tonight. You go to bed and try and get a good night’s sleep. You need it.’
For a brief moment she looked as if she would reject this idea but she slowly made her way next door.
Maddie and I sat in the long twilight of the summer night, as we had done on other nights over the past weeks. We talked about Lily, Danny and Daniel, Rosie and Jay and Minnie and Peter – as if concentrating on the young and healthy would somehow dispel the overwhelming feeling of death. Of course this talk of the young and living didn’t truly dispel the sadness but it helped a little bit.
Then, in the morning, the undertaker arrived and we left him with Granny, Dad and Hattie.
The funeral took place at Balgay. Grandad was being buried beside Mum which I thought was very poignant and all the terrible memories of another day spent here were once again raised, like a suppurating sore.
There was a large gathering at the graveside. A lot of Grandad’s old friends and neighbours were there as well as Maddie’s father and uncle. Then, to my surprise, I saw Greg’s parents amongst the crowd. It wasn’t that I was displeased to see them because I had always got on so well with them both but I was dreading meeting them afterwards. Had Greg told them our engagement was over? Then I realised they would know because Greg wouldn’t leave them in the dark over something as serious as this.
I stood with Maddie and Lily. I hadn’t wanted Lily to come to such a sad occasion but she had insisted so I gave in. Alice was looking after Jay and one of Maddie’s aunts had Daniel.
I didn’t know the minister who was conducting the service. Hattie had taken everything in her stride after Grandad’s death and we were grateful to her. It let Granny have a rest.
Granny … I looked over to where she was standing with Hattie, Dad and Rosie. Although I knew she had shed tears over Grandad’s death, today she was dry-eyed and standing very straight. Only the sadness of her face belied her widowhood. She was from the old school that taught stiff-backed dignity in all matters and I marvelled at her resolve.
It was a stiflingly hot day and I couldn’t help but recall how Mum had died on a day such as this. Her funeral, however, had been held during a thunderstorm but there were no ominous black clouds today. The sky was bright blue with tiny wisps of white cloud scoring the vast expanse of sky. I felt the heat of the sun beat down on my head.
Kit and George stood beside Nellie and Rita, our old neighbours, and I wondered if they too were remembering Mum’s death. They had been such a great help to us then and I was glad to see they were looking smarter and better nourished than during the bad old days of unemployment.
Ma Ryan was missing but I didn’t expect her to be here although she had sent us a letter of sympathy. I looked over at Granny again. Would I be able to be like her in these circumstances? I doubted it.
The minister’s words sounded like the drone of some dozy insect and his solemn words seemed to hang in the stillness of the air. There was a strong perfume coming from the many flowers which had been placed on some nearby graves and I felt almost drugged with the heat and the scent. I also felt as if I was on the outside looking in. Beyond sadness. Never to see Grandad ever again or laugh at his many antics. I was bereft and it was as if I had lost an arm or a leg, the pain was so intense.
Even Hattie looked shattered. Hattie, who always looked so self-reliant and confident, was now weeping silently, a white handkerchief held against her mouth.
But all things pass and, when the funeral was over, we all made our way to Hattie’s house. I thought Dad may have been annoyed at her making all the funeral arrangements but he had said she wanted to do this last thing for her father. It was cathartic, she said, as if it had cleansed her soul. We all knew what she meant. Although deeply fond of her mother and father, she had, over the past few years, lived a totally different life from them but now she was coming home.
Graham wasn’t at the funeral or at the house. Hattie said he would be there later as he had an important appointment with a client in Glasgow. He was hoping to catch an early-evening train back to Dundee.
Then, to my dismay, I saw the Borlands, Greg’s parents, coming in the door. Maddie gave me a warning glance but I took a few deep breaths and went over to see them.
Barbara Borland gave me a hug while her husband said, ‘We’re so sorry about your grandad, Ann.’
‘Thank you for coming all this way – it’s such a long journey.’ I was kicking myself for being so formal but I was dreading hearing any news of Greg – news like his engagement to his new girlfriend or, even worse, his marriage. ‘How did you manage to get away from the farm?’
Barbara said, ‘We’ve got a neighbour to feed the animals but we’ll catch an early train back to Struan so we won’t be gone for too long.’
I knew their farm was run mostly by themselves except for some extra help at lambing time or during the harvest and it was really very kind of them to come to see us on this sad day.
I took them over to meet Maddie and went to get them some tea and sandwiches. When I returned, I noticed Lily had joined them.
‘You’ll all be devastated about your grandad, Ann – he was such a big part of your lives,’ said Barbara.
I nodded, unable to speak.
Lily said, ‘How is Paddy?’ Paddy was their collie dog and Lily had loved going up the hill with him.
Dave Borland smiled. ‘Still running up the hill and chasing the sheep, Lily. You must come and see us soon as Paddy misses you.’
I threw her a warning glance but she didn’t notice it. ‘Oh, that’ll be lovely.’ She turned to me. ‘Can we go and visit Paddy soon, Ann?’
‘Of course, Lily, but we’ll have to stay with Granny for a while. She’ll need us.’
Lily’s face became sad and I was furious with myself for making her feel like this. What was wrong with me? Just because a man had dumped me it was not an excuse to snub his parents or make my own sister feel sad like this.
I tried to smile warmly. ‘Of course we’ll visit you soon, won’t we, Lily?’
Lily nodded happily.
Barbara leaned forward and said quietly, ‘We do understand, Ann, but, as always, you’re both very welcome to come and stay any time.’
Maybe Lily was, I thought sourly, but surely I wasn’t popular with them, having strung along their only son on so-called false promises.
Maddie saved the situation. ‘I had an aunt who stayed at Struan. She had a small holiday cottage there before the war but she’s given up the lease because of all the restrictions on travel and also because she’s getting older.’
The Borlands said they knew Maddie’s aunt and I left them chatting about mutual acquaintances.
Thankful to escape, I went to sit beside Granny and Bella. They were praising Hattie’s sandwiches. ‘She’s aye been good with pieces,’ said Bella, pushing the last morsel of a dainty sandwich into her mouth. I also noticed she had a large glass of sherry.
Granny looked so tired and I was suddenly worried about her. She’d had so much worry during the past few months but she assured me she was fine when I asked her.
‘It was so good of Hattie to deal with everything, Ann. It’s a big load off my mind, I can tell you. I can just sit here and remember your grandad and all the braw years we had together. I keep telling myself how lucky I’ve been to have had such a good man by my side and I’ve got lots and lots of happy memories to keep me going.’
‘Oh, Granny, I’m so happy you feel like that,’ I blurted out. I also had loads of happy memories but that wouldn’t make up for the loss of Grandad. In fact, I didn’t know how I would cope with the thought of never seeing him again.
Kit and George came over with their condolences. Afterwards Kit said to me, ‘We’ve had some good news, Ann.’
‘Is it Kathleen?’
Kit shook her head. ‘No she’s still working and living above the studio and Maggie is still going berserk. No, my good news is about Patty. He’s been exempted from the forces because of his asthma and also because of his job at the shipyard. His apprenticeship’s finished now and we were worried that he would be called up but seemingly miners, farmers and some other workers are looked on as doing war work and the shipyard jobs fall into that category.’
I was so pleased for them and I said so.
The Borlands came over to say their goodbyes to Granny. I knew it would be bad manners to move away so I tried to compose my face into a smile although my mind was seething with emotions. I saw them to the door and thanked them again for coming.
Barbara turned and took my hand. ‘I know how you’re feeling, Ann. You’ve lost your beloved grandad and we also know that you’ve split up from Greg. We were really very sorry to hear that because we always thought that …’ She hesitated. ‘Well, you know what I mean?’
Yes, I did know what she meant but they probably would soon have a daughter-in-law – only it wasn’t going to be me.
‘Greg is going to write to you – he didn’t realise your grandad was as ill as he was. Also will you consider coming to visit us with Lily?’
‘Aye, I will, Barbara. I’ll drop you a note when we can get away.’
She gave me a searching look. ‘You promise?’
I nodded. ‘I promise.’
I felt terrible afterwards when I walked home with Maddie. ‘I promised to go and see them and I’ve no intention of going. What a fraud I’m turning into!’
Maddie was sympathetic. ‘You’re not a fraud, Ann. You’ve just had too much to do for most of your life and now you’re tired of it. Greg obviously didn’t realise how much your family means to you or how much they’ve always relied on you. Which is a great pity because you have always divided yourself into little pieces for everyone and he should have been happy to share you.’
As I walked back along the streets which were still warm from the earlier heat, dark clouds hovered above me. They matched my mood. I thought about Maddie’s words but was too tired to analyse them. Greg had either loved me or he hadn’t. It was as simple as that. Or was it?
I was almost at the Overgate when the rain came – heavy thundery rain that streamed from the sky and, within a few moments, I was totally soaked. I had my head down and was running as hard as I could when a familiar voice called my name. Looking up, I saw Graham walking towards me and he was carrying a big black umbrella. He held it over my head and we hurried up Tay Street. He spoke about the funeral and said he was sorry he couldn’t manage to put his client off. I glanced at his face and was dismayed to see it had a tired and strained look. A small nervous tic flickered at his eye and his mouth looked tense.
‘Are you feeling all right, Graham?’ I asked, hoping another worry wasn’t looming large.
He gave me a startled look and tried to smile but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Just a bit of a headache, Ann. I’ve had a tiring day and a long frustrating journey but seeing Hattie will soon cheer me up.’
So it was love, I told myself. Well, good for them!
He insisted I stay under the umbrella until I reached Granny’s close. As I ran up the entrance, he said, ‘I’ll be round to see your gran later, Ann. Will you tell her?’
This bit of news pleased Granny. ‘Och, he’s a really fine man. I just hope Hattie is happy because she deserves to be.’
Lily was listening to the wireless. A sad look was on her face. ‘Do you ever get tired of listening to all this news of the war, Granny?’ She fiddled around with the dial and suddenly some cheery music blared out. Glancing quickly at Granny, she turned it off.
‘Switch it back on, Lily. You listen to your cheery music and enjoy it because your grandad wouldn’t want to see moping and sad faces, now, would he?’
Lily switched it back on. Granny’s words made her feel less sad. She had always been Grandad’s special wee girl and she would always remember that.
I had decided to stay at the Overgate as long as Granny needed me. I didn’t want her living on her own but to my astonishment she said it was time for Lily and me to go back to Roseangle. ‘You’ve done enough here, Ann – not just for Grandad but over all these years and now it’s time to get your life back together.’
I knew she was referring to Greg. I hadn’t told her about the broken engagement but I planned to tell both her and Lily sometime – just not at this moment.
I tried to protest but she was firm. ‘No, Ann. I’ll have Alice in and out for our usual gossip and Hattie and Graham are coming over later so I’ll be fine. Now don’t you worry about me.’
I was still not sure but she was adamant. I said I would continue to come over to do the heavy washing and chores and this seemed to please her so, after our tea, Lily and I headed for the flat.
It had an unlived in feeling and I realised we had been absent for a few months. I soon had a fire going. Not that it was cold but I felt it cheered the room up, especially since the rain was still heavy. Even though it was twilight, we drew the blackout curtains. We listened to some dance band music on the wireless. Later, as we lay in our settee, I listened to the steady rhythm of Lily’s breathing and thought I would never sleep again, such were the conflicting emotions going round in my head.
It had been a terrible day of sadness and loss – not to mention meeting the Borlands and leaving Granny on her own. Then there had been that feeling of foreboding I had felt when meeting Graham. Was he ill? I sincerely hoped not. Yes, it had been some day. Meanwhile, Lily slept like an innocent baby – a sleep that was deep and free from worry but that was as it should be.
I made a mental note to go and see Connie the next morning. There was no reason now why I couldn’t do my usual hours and I also wanted to thank both her and Joe for coming to the funeral. They had been at the cemetery but, as they hadn’t come back to the house, I didn’t get a chance to talk to them. I also wanted to see Nellie and Rita and planned to see them when I visited the Hilltown.
I was just dropping off to sleep when Graham’s face came to mind with its tense, strained look and the nervous tic. A headache? Well, it could have been, I suppose. I had the impression he looked haunted. I mentally scolded myself. What was I turning into? Some kind of fool who made a drama out of everything?
The next morning, before Lily and I could go and see Connie, a letter arrived from Greg. My heart started to pound and I wished Lily had been at school instead of it being the long summer holiday. I tried to look casual. ‘Lily, will you run down for a newspaper please?’
She set off cheerfully. I gave her one of my sweetie coupons to buy some sweets if they were available because sometimes they weren’t. Anyhow, she would be gone long enough for me to read the letter in private. Greg’s letter was full of sympathy:
Mum and Dad have written to tell me about your grandad’s death, Ann, and I can’t begin to say how sorry I am to hear this awful news. Hattie wrote to them to let them know and I hope they managed to go to the funeral. I’m sorry I wrote that letter to you but it was done more in annoyance than in reason and I didn’t know your grandad was so ill. Please forgive me.
There was more of this sentiment before he signed it.
Well, that was one little mystery cleared up. I had wondered how his parents had heard about the death but it was Hattie who had written to them. She didn’t know the engagement was over so she thought she was doing the right thing.
I was sitting with the letter in my hand when I heard Lily’s footsteps on the stairs. Screwing it into a tight ball, I went over to the fireplace. The ashes were still in the grate from the night before and I had been in the process of cleaning it out when the postman called. After dropping Greg’s letter into the ash bucket, I then scooped three lots of grey ash on top of it.
Well, that is that, I thought. But, for some reason, instead of feeling triumphant, I was overwhelmed by a flood of sadness and tears weren’t far away. But I couldn’t cry – not in front of Lily.