Time spent this month: 140 hours, 23 minutes
Dollars spent this month: $417.64
Advice that made my dad roll his eyes: Oprah’s suggestion to watch her show on past life regression with “an open mind.”
Most surreal moment of the month: Seeing myself as a character in a syndicated comic strip called “Blog Jam” by Greg Williams. My hair even looks frizzy in a cartoon. As Charlie Brown would say, *SIGH*.
Poll result: Do you think Oprah is more content than the average woman?
Yes (43%)
Probably the same (27%)
No (29%)
APRIL SHOWERS bring May’s rash of celebrity interviews. These shows are light and fluffy, like televised meringue. They might not be groundbreaking or full of useful information, but most feel like a breather for me, and the 60 minutes fly by.
Oprah appears laid-back with her famous guests. The delineation of status is not quite as pronounced as it is with her average Jane and Joe visitors, and absent is my sense that she might be talking down to people or feel the necessity to act as their guide or teacher. The more famous the guest, the more level the playing field. This, in turn, makes me feel more relaxed when I watch the show. Of course, whether her guests are famous or not, they are appropriately deferential to their hostess, and many female celebrities arrive wearing the telltale red-soled shoes of Oprah’s favorite footwear designer. Today, on May 1, three-quarters of the principal cast members of Sex and the City wear their Louboutins to visit the set. Including Oprah’s, there are eight red-soled shoes on the stage, and a quick calculation lets me estimate that these women are walking around on over a month’s worth of my salary.
No matter how huge the celebrity is who sits on her couch, no one sasses Winfrey or challenges her in any substantial manner. Everyone compliments her copiously, and most people mention at least once how amazing it is to be on her show. It’s her world; she is always treated with respect and honored as an institution. It reminds me of the protocol that is required when one meets the Queen of England. Or so I’m told. The Q of E and I don’t hang out as much as we used to.
Oprah has created a cult of personality for herself, and even if her ratings falter, her status does not. To the outside eye, she has seemingly impervious prestige. “Queen of Talk” might be an honorific, but she’s a reigning member of the media monarchy. This in itself is an admirable feat for someone who didn’t arrive in the world of show business through nepotism, endless connections, or with her pockets already overflowing with dough. She earned every rung she climbed on the ladder. Harpo is her Camelot, and many of us who live and work outside the walls of her company wonder what mysteries lurk there. I imagine many experts, such as Dr. Oz, Suze Orman, and Nate Berkus, to be her Knights of the O Table. Their mission? To guide Oprah’s audience to find the elusive Best Life grail. This is no democracy. When appearing on her show, writing for her magazine, or recording a piece for her satellite radio station, they do not veer from Oprah’s mission. And while they might be the experts, Oprah is their leader and the catalyst of much of their fame and visibility.
They are authorities in their own fields and famous in their own right, but their influence cannot hold a candle to Oprah’s. No one in the world can understand the experience of wielding her power. There are other wealthy folks out there, other giants of industry, other entertainers, other philanthropists, other highly loved and respected celebrities, other self-help gurus, other political pundits, but no one I am aware of has all of these facets (and more) rolled up in one. She’s like a burrito with the works. That’s when it dawns on me: Oprah is peerless. If she so chooses, she can hobnob with every aspect of our culture’s so-called elite, with movers and shakers. And there is no question that she has friends. But she doesn’t have anyone else in her position with whom she can commiserate over a plate of potato skins. Whom can she ask, “What do you do when Marie Osmond’s company makes a creepy baby doll in your image? Doesn’t it freak you out when the doll’s eyes follow you around the room?” Her words would echo off the walls because there’s no one quite on a par with Oprah. Yes, yes, yes, we are all unique and special like snowflakes, and while I don’t think Oprah is any more important than we are, she is literally without a peer.
The extraordinary niche she’s created for herself has left her in a position where it’s absolutely impossible to find an equal. I can’t fathom this, and it kills any desire I might have to walk in her shoes. On the surface, it all looks very sexy and cool to live in her world, but in reality, I think I prefer the simplicity of my life.
Oprah recently said, “I don’t get excited about a lot of things.” I replayed this a couple times on my VCR because it was such a foreign thought to me. Oprah has had a huge range of experiences: ups and downs, wealth and poverty, discrimination and total adoration. How can she keep her sense of wonder alive when there is very little left to amaze her? That night in bed, I’m still thinking about her statement.
I roll over to face Jim. “Oprah says she doesn’t get too excited about much. I was thinking about it. I think I get excited about everything.”
Jim thinks for a moment. “Um, yeah, you do. It’s exhausting.”
“For me or you?” I ask.
He laughs, but won’t answer.
Maybe it’s her lack of excitement that compels her to keep building her empire. Thrills aren’t experienced as regularly for her as they are for most of us, so perhaps she needs to create her own. She strikes me as a woman who would become bored out of her gourd if she stopped growing and moving forward. Oprah generates her own excitement.
* * *
Today I learn Oprah doesn’t believe in having a television in the bedroom. I’m nervous about sharing this tidbit with my husband. I’m worried he’ll turn to stone and crack into a million pieces when I tell him that he’ll need to bid farewell to the small TV on his side of the bed. Last December, when we decided to give this project the green light, we never suspected the toll it would have on him. But now I’m really concerned he’s starting to feel that his role in my life is taking a backseat to my commitment to Living Oprah. This is not remotely true in my heart — words are not enough to represent the depth of my feelings for him — but in interpreting my behavior this year, I can see why he might come to the conclusion that he’s less important to me than my experiment. Maybe I’m just paranoid. I know he understands because he’s an artist as well, but I think he’s uneasy.
Tonight, I approach him while he’s scooping the cat’s litter. I ask him how he’s doing with everything so far this year.
He doesn’t turn around but answers, “Fine.”
I was right.
He’s not happy.
I’m going to be squeaky-clean inside and out. Oprah is plunging into a 21-day vegan cleanse and has invited us to join her. The idea of doing something with Oprah rather than performing something decreed by her is interesting, and I look forward to hearing how she manages this period of deprivation. I’m excited to give it a try, but nervous about it at the same time. Over a decade ago, when I was at my heaviest, I was a vegan. I am such a talented eater that I got fat on tofu and organic spinach. I also have memories of doing many ultralow calorie cleanses to kick-start weight loss. I’d lose a ton of weight in a short period of time (I once dropped 30 pounds in 30 days) and gain a ton and a half back (you do the math). Because of those experiences, I’ve shied away from any program with “cleanse” in the title.
I am relieved when the creator of this particular program describes it to us. It’s going to be tough but not unhealthy and is more about conscientiousness than low-calorie fasting. We’re to give up all animal products, sugar, alcohol, gluten, and caffeine for 21 days. A headache starts to creep up on me as I begin to yearn in a very deep way for my much-beloved cup of green tea. I actually just finished a mug of sencha, so the pain and the craving are totally psychological. It’s hard to break a daily habit even when I know it could do me some good. I won’t lie, though. My mental timer has started counting down to the finish line. I have 20 days, 23 hours, and 51 minutes to go. This will be a breeze.
Oprah commits to blogging about her experience. I’m excited to hear what she will create in her kitchen. Although I have heard her discuss cooking in the past, I really can’t imagine her getting down and dirty, making her own vegan cheese. Maybe she’ll acquire some live culture to make her own soy yogurt. Or not. I start to think about what I will need to survive and make a mental shopping list. I’m glad I have a relatively omnivorous husband or I’d have to figure out what to do with a fridge full of newly forbidden food. I don’t bother asking Jim if he’d like to join me on this one. In fact, I feel the need to tiptoe around the subject of Living Oprah these days. I don’t want to test the limits of his patience, especially as it’s only May and he’s still mourning the loss of his TV.
As the cleanse moves forward, I’m able to redouble my efforts to “savor every meal.” This was one of my ongoing assignments from January and it’s been an eye-opener. My usual habit, to put it as delicately as possible, is to eat my food like an industrial vacuum sucks clogs out of pipes. This suggestion has definitely slowed me down, and I’ve been making even more meals from scratch. And I could be crazy, but meals eaten while sitting at a table seem to taste better than those eaten standing up in the kitchen.
This program is also shedding light on my eating habits; specifically, the ruts that I fall into and the way I make food choices to fill an emotional need. I may eat healthy meals, but I create them based on what might make me feel better, more comfortable. In many ways, this 21-day program is allowing me to find a deeper level to the commitment I made when I signed my Best Life Challenge contract. I appreciate it when different pieces of Oprah’s advice fit together rather than conflict.
Reading Oprah’s account of her 21-day cleanse experience, I’m envious for the first two weeks that she has a personal chef. Of course, if I had her resources (according to MSN Money, she “makes $523.21 every minute, even when she’s asleep”), I’d hire someone to soak my beans as well. She even has this professional vegan chef FedEx her food when she travels to Vegas. I would love to have restaurant-quality food delivered to my door each day. If I have one more broccoli and tempeh stir-fry, I might weep soy-sauce tears. And while I bemoan the extra planning, shopping, and preparation all my meals require, I think it’s been an invaluable part of the experience. Every bite I’ve put in my mouth during this program has been taken conscientiously, beginning with the moment I placed an item on my shopping list. While I frequently feel as if I’m on a different cleanse than Oprah, due to the more hands-on role I have the time to take with my food, I can relate to some of the thoughts she shares on her blog. In reading them, I’m able to see some of my own habits mirrored back at me.
Oprah clearly wants to fill an emotional void by eating and drinking. She speaks very vulnerably at one point about the frustration of not being able to turn to soda and junk food and how she misses the comfort of an alcoholic beverage. I get a little teary reading her frustration as it brings up so many feelings for me and I become aware that, although I am not actively overeating, those waters run deep and the tendency is probably always going to be with me. There is also a relief in reading about Oprah’s vulnerability. This is the Winfrey I used to enjoy wholeheartedly. The one I could relate to.
Oprah doesn’t allow herself to budge a bit on the rules of the cleanse, even though the program’s creator told us all to do our best and simply “lean into” the adjustments we’re making. Oprah even gives her blessing to her staff to enjoy a glass of wine but won’t relax the guidelines for herself. This is me in a nutshell. I find myself tensing up as I read. I relate not only to her behavior around food but also to her relentless expectations for herself.
I suppose I should be grateful, as I usually struggle to find a connection across the Oprah-Okrant divide. I think almost all of us can empathize with the desire to use outside sources to numb our feelings at some point in our lives. Food, drink, exercise, sex, shopping, television, the Internet, or simply emotionally shutting down: These are ruts we all can find ourselves in, no matter what our station in life. Maybe Oprah’s honesty will inspire others to find their own path to healing. What a powerful tool she has in her hands, and what a responsibility to her audience.
This might be a little stream of consciousness, but I’m going to lay something on the line I have been scared to say up to this point. Here goes. I think Oprah devalues women by focusing so much on our bodies. Before anyone grabs pitchforks and torches to storm my front door, I should say that Oprah isn’t alone. I’ve been guilty of focusing on other women’s bodies, too, but Oprah’s the one with a top-rated talk show seen by millions around the world. I realize that might be subversive and unpopular, and I imagine my editor’s red pencil hovering ominously above this page even as I type. Hear me out, please. I am going to make a disclaimer before I delve into this because I’m frightened of being stoned to death in the town square: I believe Oprah’s ultimate intention is to empower women and girls. She does a great deal to positively reinforce our choices to take care of ourselves, to start businesses, to raise families, to take exciting risks, and to grow.
However.
She spends an inordinate amount of time asking other women how they lost weight, how they got their muscular arms, how they lost weight, how they got their abs, and how they lost weight. Sometimes the show will air long segments about an actress or singer’s exercise routine that overshadows her new album, book, or movie. So this next message is for Oprah, and I’d appreciate it if no one else would read it….
Oprah, I am begging you to break this cycle. I know it’s what we’re all used to seeing on TV and that their perfect-seeming bodies are why many of us admire celebs. Still, I think it demeans women to think the first thing we need to know about other gals is their waist size. You, more than any other individual I can think of, have the power to kick off a change in the status quo. Sure, your audience might go through some withdrawal. We might wonder why you’re not asking identical twin actresses what they eat for breakfast, or telling a popular country singer to pull up her shirt so we can see her abs. But I think in the end we’ll respect you for the change you’ve made, for teaching us through your example how to honor one another in a deeper way. You can empower women by subverting the typical gender stereotype. Please consider my request. It doesn’t have to be a sudden change in your style. You can just “lean into” it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to change my name and go into hiding.
Shhhh… listen carefully. If you’re very quiet, you can hear the echoes of screaming triggered by the surprise announcement that today’s audience is being treated to Oprah’s “Favorite Things” for summer. Have you ever thrown a handful of feed to chickens who have been in their coop all night? If so, you’ve experienced their high-pitched, eardrum-piercing noise, frenetic energy, and swift, slightly frightening movement. I am really hesitant to compare women to barnyard foul, but I can think of no more apt way to describe the sound, energy, and motion of this crowd. Except, of course, chickens don’t cry. These women cry, and then they cry some more. I freeze in terror, watching them cluck and peck and jump and weep for almost a full minute and a half, and I shudder to think what I might end up adding to my to-do list by the end of the hour.
During the show, I learn Oprah thinks that everyone should try the turkey burger served at Donald Trump’s private resort in Florida. I’ve never heard of Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach before. Teaching yoga might seem like a glamorous world filled with champagne, caviar, racing cars, and custom yachts, but I’m going to have to burst your bubble. I think the last hotel I stayed in was a Holiday Inn Express. I go online to learn more about Oprah’s vacation destination and discover that the website allows only members to access specifics about the property. I pretend I don’t even care about that dumb old private resort anyhow and shut down my browser.
Trump permits his chef to bestow upon us his secret recipe for the Oprah-recommended turkey burgers. In return for his generosity in sharing these cooking instructions, I would like to give Donald Trump my own highly prized recipe for turkey burgers.
Voilà!
Oprah’s favorite turkey burgers cost me more than $50 to make and are waaaay more labor intensive than my schedule usually allows. Also, they have ingredients I’ve never heard of before. For example: Major Grey’s chutney. My goodness, who was this Major Grey and how on earth did he come up with such delicious but hard-to-find relish? I really loved this burger. Oprah was right. It was awesome. I probably won’t ever make them again because of time and money, but they were super yummy. Jim actually said they transcended turkey burgers. But as much as we enjoyed them, we both agreed we’d rather order these in a restaurant than cook them at home.
I’m relatively unscathed by this year’s “Favorite Things” for summer episode as there aren’t many assignments on which I’ll need to spend. It’s a relief and a bit anticlimactic at the same time. Oprah’s guests include Heidi Klum, who teaches us how to shop for a bathing suit. Proving money and fame can’t buy self-esteem or physical acceptance, Oprah says, “Now, anybody who knows me also knows I am not putting on a bathing suit. If you ever see a picture of me in a bathing suit, it’s a fake. Mm-mm. No-ho-ho. Nowhere, no time.”
Also, we learn about Oprah’s favorite cosmetics, her “O-ward winners,” as they are called. She doesn’t appear to have seen these items before, as her best friend and O’s editor at large, Gayle King, walks us through mascara and nail polish and the like. Oprah introduces an adorable rolling travel duffel and I hold my breath in anticipation, hoping she tells us it’s a must-have. She doesn’t. The show rolls on and the only other thing I’m told to do is to “treat yourself to a weekend getaway.” I immediately start the calculations in my head and can’t think of a way we can afford a trip right now. Even a local one. I teach on the weekends and don’t get vacation pay, so whatever days I take off, I lose in salary. I decide I’ll tack on a weekend to a business trip this summer. I can stay at my mom and dad’s house in New England. Sadly, this time around, Jim will have to stay at home because of finances.
The last item Oprah gives away is a copy of A New Earth, which leaves me puzzled. The philosophy behind the book doesn’t seem to relate to the indulgences seen on this episode. It’s like rewarding couch potatoes for becoming more active by giving them premium cable and a gift certificate for pizza delivery.
This has been a fun month in many ways, but I feel I am becoming very isolated. With all the hours and energy it takes to follow someone else’s ideals of beauty, spirituality, and happiness, I’m drifting away from my friends, speaking less to my family, and having very little time for my husband. On a personal level, this is really upsetting. But as far as the project is concerned, it’s not such a bad thing. Perhaps it won’t feel like I’m swimming upstream all the time if I can allow my priorities to take a back burner to Oprah’s.
Luckily, Oprah has created some social time for my girlfriends and me, sending us to see chick flicks and setting time aside to go for drinks afterward. This isn’t what I’d normally do with my friends. I’m less of an event person and more of a hang out and drink tea while chatting the afternoon away with a good friend kind of girl. So, while I am happy to see them, I still miss having a more personal experience with the gals, without the construct of a girls’ night out.
Whenever my family calls, the conversation is preceded by their statement, “I know you don’t have a lot of time, but…” I must be giving off energy that says I’m up to my eyeballs in work, and hope nobody needs anything too time-consuming from me. My family and I are incredibly close, so I feel a great deal of guilt about this. I turn to Oprah.com for guidance on how to manage these emotions, and my search turns up a couple ways to overcome them and forgive myself. These exercises only make me feel guiltier as I suspect I am using them to rationalize my absenteeism.
And Jim? Ah, Jim… I vaguely remember him. He’s the tall drink of water I live with. How understanding can one man be? I’ve been measuring our relationship with the Oprah stick, using evaluations from her website to test the strength of our marriage, following relationship advice offered by her experts, and asking Jim to be more patient with me than required by our vows. The worst moment comes every morning when Oprah begins. I start watching it like a hawk so I don’t miss a word (or I’ll have to rewatch the show several times), and I can tell Jim really wants to connect before he leaves for work. Instead, he gives me a quick kiss and looks at me sadly from the door for a moment before shutting it behind him.
Ohhhh boy… I better go do my guilt exercises again. They seem to have worn off.
I am moments away from graduating with my MFA. Imagine the “Hallelujah Chorus” sung by angels here. Of course, there will be no rest for the weary. My thesis might be complete, but my work this year is far from over. When I devised LO, I thought it’d be a light project that would give me something simple to focus on between finishing my master’s degree and beginning whatever I chose to do afterward. While I hoped I’d gather enough interesting information to write and perform a one-woman show about my year, I had my doubts. I never guessed how it would snowball into an all-consuming project.
Every time I am tempted to throw in the towel and put an end to Living Oprah, I remember a workshop I attended at school early this year. We were discussing the work we were planning for the future. I’d just introduced my project to a crowd of people: students, faculty at the school, and other professionals in the art world. While my colleagues were generally very positive and excited by my plan, there was one naysayer, an adjunct faculty member, who shrugged it off. He said it was impossible to do and insinuated that Living Oprah couldn’t be completed successfully. He came up with several ways in which I could fail. While positive reinforcement would have been appreciated, his negativity lit a fire under my butt. Whenever I get overwhelmed and wonder if I can continue, I think of him and know there’s no way I’ll ever back down. I’m going to finish out this year, come hell or high water.
Cue the angels, please.
Photo © Jim Stevens
At my local bookstore, purchasing Barbara Walter’s, Audition. A long, illustrious life in the media sure makes for a heavy book.
Photo © Jim Stevens
Gettin’ down in my living room to Tina Turner and Cher. My poor downstairs neighbor!
May 2008 Accounting
| Date | Assignment | Cost | Time | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 5/1 | Read O from cover to cover. (LO) | 4h 0m | Oy! Big magazine this month. Lots of spiritual guidance, lots of products, lots of advice, lots of advertising. However, I think it’s important to note that at least there weren’t any ads within the main spirituality section. | |
| 5/1 | On seeing the Sex and the City movie: “This is an event and we owe it to ourselves, America, to make this an event for girlfriends to remember.… Go for drinks. Have a designated driver. Make a night of it!” (SHOW) | 23.00 | 4h 0m | Girl time was lovely. ($8 for movie, $15 for the night out — I’m a cheap date) |
| 5/2 | Get clear skin. (WEB) | 5h 0m | I’m following instructions but am working against lack of sleep and stress. I did this for 30 days. Skin looked pretty much the same afterward. (10 minutes a day) | |
| 5/4 | Read ANE, chapter 10. (BC) | 0h 45m | ||
| 5/5 | Do ANE homework. (BC) | 0h 20m | ||
| 5/6 | Download and watch ANE webinar. (BC) | 1h 30m | ||
| 5/6 | Buy Barbara Walters’s book Audition. (SHOW) | 29.95 | 0h 15m | This book weighs 800 pounds. I could use it to do my Best Life Challenge exercise. |
| 5/7 | Dance in my living room to Tina-Cher show. (SHOW) | 0h 10m | Does this count as BLC exercise? Oh, what the hell, I’m counting it. | |
| 5/7 | No more TV in bedroom (Oprah doesn’t believe in them). (SHOW) | 0h 10m | Took some convincing — the sad thing is, now Jim comes to bed much later after he watches TV in the living room. Bedroom is quieter, but I miss his presence. | |
| 5/8 | Love Cher. (Oprah shouted that we do.) (SHOW) | 0h 0m | I thought about what I like about Cher. Was actually able to whip up affection. Love? I tried. When Oprah tells us how to feel, it can be hard to generate the emotion. | |
| 5/12 | “Get up on your feet!” to do the cha-cha slide with 9-year old Quincy Eaton. (SHOW) | 0h 3m | My cat fled the room in fear. | |
| 5/13 | Watch show on past life regression with “an open mind.” (SHOW) | 0h 0m | I don’t know. I think some people have an open mind to certain things and others don’t. It’s not so simple as telling them to change. | |
| 5/16 | Make and eat Mar-a-Lago (Donald Trump’s private resort) Turkey Burgers (“I definitely want you to have it too”). (SHOW) | 56.24 | 1h 15m | Delicious! Thank goodness for leftovers. This was way too expensive for one meal. Here’s the breakdown of what I had to buy: Major Grey chutney $4.19, celery $3.22, pears $2.64, lemon $0.82, chipotle Tabasco sauce $1.69, hamburger roll $2.99, organic turkey $28, apples $4.12, canola oil $4.59, raisins $3.09, parsley $0.89. |
| 5/16 | “Treat yourself to a weekend getaway.” (SHOW) | 231.00 | 48h 0m | I work on the weekends, so while it didn’t cost me any extra to go on my “getaway” (I just tacked 2 days onto a biz trip), it cost me in lost income ($231 is what I would have made teaching my classes). |
| 5/20 | Join Oprah on the 21-Day cleanse “if you’re interested.” (SHOW) | 73.50 | 39h 45m | Grocery shopping 60 minutes each week/3 weeks; meals (eating, prep, storage) 105 minutes each day. Only counting food costs above and beyond my usual shopping list. |
| 5/23 | “When you think that you’re going to get in a car and drive, I want you to think about this mother holding her daughter’s head on the side of the highway. That’s the thought I want to come to your mind before you go to get in the car after having even one drink.” (SHOW) | 0h 0m | Traumatizing. I don’t really drive, but can’t shake the image. (O) | |
| 5/31 | Purchase O magazine. (LO) | 3.95 | 0h 5m | My June issue hasn’t shown up. Needed to buy this at the drugstore. |
| Date | Assignment | Cost | Time | Notes |
| Throughout Month | Watch every episode of Oprah. (LO) | 22h 0m | 22 shows | |
| Throughout Month | Do Best Life Challenge exercise. (BLC) | 5h 20m | 80 minutes a week for 4 weeks | |
| Throughout Month | Take A Course in Miracles. (WEB/SHOW) | 7h 45m | approx. 15 minutes a day for 31 days | |
| MONTHLY TOTAL | 417.64 | 140h 23m | ||
| YEAR-TO-DATE TOTAL | 2,333.42 | 768h 41m | ||
ONGOING PROJECTS
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| Accounting Abbreviations: LO = Living Oprah Project Task, SHOW = The Oprah Winfrey Show, WEB = Oprah.com, MAG = O, The Oprah Magazine, BC = Oprah’s Book Club, BLC = Best Life Challenge, (O) = ongoing project | ||||
Blog: Regarding Oprah’s comment, “I don't get excited by a lot of things...": http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/05/simon-says.html
Regarding 21-day vegan cleanse: http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/05/im-in.html