LIVING OPRAH

I have been asked dozens of times this week, by online readers as well as by friends and family, if I am thrilled that my year of Living Oprah is entering its fourth quarter. Even my yoga students happily chirp, “The end is in sight!” I don’t think many people realize that I’m really torn about the completion of the project. I am excited at the thought of having my life back and devoting my time to priorities other than Oprah’s. And it is true that, up until recently, I was quite focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m a bit worried about what life will bring afterward, as I’ve grown accustomed to this way of living. While I was pretty resistant to following the leader at the beginning of the year, I’ve eased into it. The decision-making part of my brain has been idling, and I worry it might be difficult to fire it up once the New Year rolls around. I tell people that everything will snap back to normal on January 1, but it’s pure bravado. The truth is, I’m concerned.

I’m not going to lie, I’m looking forward to freedom from watching the show every single day. I’m so saturated by every topic, by the repetition, I feel a bit bruised. Recent topics have me down in the dumps. I have learned that the world’s economies are in dire straits and I can’t afford a single luxury. I now know that if I’m not vigilant, I’ll age long before my time. I understand my husband could cheat on me at any moment. Oprah’s become my personal Chicken Little, and I’m feeling a bit like the sky is falling.

I’ve unconsciously dug my heels into the dirt. There’s a part of me — a very surprised part — that doesn’t want this to end. What I’ve discovered, much to my embarrassment, is that I have warmed to the day-to-day ritual of giving my power over to Oprah. In many ways, I live risk free. I can’t make mistakes in entertaining, in my relationships, in my diet. After all, I didn’t make any of my choices — Oprah did.

I do believe I’ll eventually be able to emerge from this year, able to experiment and think for myself as I did in the past. I’m just not so certain it’ll be as easy to shed the Living Oprah skin as I would like. I’ve read that it takes 21 days to start a habit, but I never looked into how long it takes to break one. I think it’ll be tough, but healthier for me the sooner I can stop this momentum. That’s the difficult part. Example: I know that french fries are bad for me, they give me a belly-ache whenever I eat them, and I feel crummy about myself once my plate is empty. And yet I love them, and in unhealthier days, I used to eat them a lot. It’s still really difficult to turn them down because they are so comforting and make me feel really satisfied in the moment. Eventually, I had to concede that they were doing more harm than good in my life, so I gave them up. I mourn their loss, their salty deliciousness. But it was for the best.

I have a suspicion that in 2009 a certain television talk show will be my new deep-fried nemesis.

I’m not immune to stress, but I am a yoga teacher and have studied meditation for years. I do have some tools at my disposal to bring myself to a more peaceful mind-set. Usually. They’re just not doing the job like they did before this project. Of course, I have never battled so many layers of insecurity as I have this year. My priorities used to be simpler and rarely conflicted with one another. I find myself daydreaming about my time at Kripalu. I miss that peace and quiet and hope I’m able to find the same sense of well-being once Living Oprah is over.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I am overwhelmed by trying to keep up with Winfrey. I’m having a difficult time finding balance when I’m racing to keep up with everything she thinks are “musts” in our lives. So that is why I am struck by the irony at the top of this morning’s episode, when Oprah tells us, “Today’s show is for anybody who feels or has felt overwhelmed…. It’s your wake-up call. Slow down.”

I imagine that Oprah could use some rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation as well. It doesn’t appear that even she is able to take her own advice when it comes to achieving balance. There’s no way she could have the success she does, with so many irons in the fire, without spreading herself thin. She even stated in last month’s “What I Know for Sure” column, “I AM OVERWHELMED!” She explained why. “Too many answers that need to come from me. Trying to do too many things at once. Flying back and forth from Africa to Chicago to California to New York. Doing. Doing. Doing.”

Oprah’s success is spectacular. Admirable. But at what cost to her? And if she’s feeling overwhelmed, why is she foisting so many “musts” upon her audience for whom she genuinely seems to care? I doubt she wants us to feel the same way, unable to concentrate and with scant time to stop and smell the roses.

Oprah is lucky. When she finally realizes she needs downtime, she’s able to take an entire day away from it all and retreat to one of her magnificent homes. Not many of us have the ability to step away from all our responsibilities for a whole day, but at least we can step back. And when we do, I hope many of the women I know who compare themselves to the Queen of Talk will reconsider the energy they spend attempting to live up to her ideals. Many of her ideals are not… ideal.

Much of O’s focus this year has been on self-care. I wish I could look into a crystal ball to predict whether Oprah will lighten up on the projects with which she is involved. I doubt it. Work is to Oprah as french fries are to me. Her multiple ventures may have started as snowflakes of ideas, but they’ve become an avalanche. Unstoppable. If she doesn’t plan to ease up on herself, that’s her own choice, but perhaps she’ll consider limiting or filtering her dispensation of lifestyle guidance on her audience. I hope so, because the more I think about this, the more a little exasperation creeps up on me. I’m a wee bit upset that her “best” lifestyle broke her down, yet I’m still following all her advice. It might not be the case of the blind leading the blind, but it’s certainly the stressed leading the stressed.

But is it working? This is the second question people inevitably ask me. Is Oprah’s advice making my life better?

Well, if one judged me by outward appearances, they’d probably come to the conclusion that following Oprah’s advice really works. I’ve got a publisher for a book I never expected I’d write; I have thousands of smart, hilarious, thoughtful readers on my website (I’m up to 144,225 visits!); I’m looking cute in a tame, O magazine kind of way; and I’m thinner. Some consider this pretty successful and, satisfied with the answer, won’t dig any deeper. Society tends to judge us by our exterior, so many people assume that I have been rewarded with success by following Oprah’s advice.

If you lived inside my head, however, you’d see I am almost always a stressed-out, insecure, exhausted mess. Everyone keeps reminding me that I should be having “fun” with this, and those words are like fingernails on a chalkboard. I’m not so sure how they’d expect this year to be a big party. I barely see my friends, I’m bleeding money, I am always busy, busy, busy, and I’ve allowed so many TV experts to poke at my marriage, there’s a lot of mending to do. Most people don’t stick around for this response, however.

Once the project is over, I’ll have to see if the pros outweigh the cons, but right now I would choose my mental health over my smaller dress size.

I think when I began this journey, I inadvertently tripped and fell down the rabbit hole. Unlike Alice, I’m not saying “curiouser and curiouser!” as I drop. I just keep thinking “surrealer and surrealer.” Case in point: At this moment, I’m in a limousine, being driven from LaGuardia Airport to Dylan’s Candy Bar in New York City. I’m slated to appear tomorrow on NBC’s morning cornerstone, The Today Show, to talk about my project. But first, I have to fulfill an assignment. Back in January, Oprah told us, “I say if you’re going to New York, see the museums, of course, and then go by Dylan’s Candy Bar.” And for the record, we were told to hit the candy shop nine days after signing our Best Life Challenge contract. Dylan’s is the boutique of sweets owned by the daughter of apparel legend Ralph Lauren. I never thought it’d be a suggestion I’d have to follow since I had no plans to travel to the Big Apple, but since NBC flew me in and I’ve already visited a myriad of museums, I am taking the opportunity to pay a call today. When I step inside, I see it’s a really big store filled with lots of candy and children. I’m no television doctor, but I’m pretty sure they’re all high on Pixy Stix, pupils dilated, begging their beleaguered parents for more of everything. It is a total hoot that I’ve been given the chance to check this item off my list. And while Oprah told us only to visit, I do buy Jim a small bag of penny candy for about $15.

And now I’m watching myself as I go through the motions of checking into my hotel, steps away from Rockefeller Plaza. I unpack much of my Oprah-suggested booty to give to the producer at NBC as they plan to use these items as props on the set. I hang up the “must-have” clothing that I’ve been asked to wear tomorrow morning on the show. Black tailored trousers, crisp white shirt, cashmere sweater. I am still not entirely at ease in these clothes and wish I could wear something that makes me feel good about myself. I understand why I’ve been asked to dress this way, I just wish I didn’t feel like an impostor in costume.

I chat with my mom and Jim on the phone, assuring them I am cool as a cucumber and don’t feel the least bit anxious. They are both quite impressed with my serenity. As am I. I practice some yoga in my tiny room, have a soothing cup of tea and a hot shower. When I’m satisfied that I am completely relaxed, I climb into bed and spend the next seven hours staring at the ceiling. It turns out cucumbers don’t sleep. Cucumbers totally freak out when they’re going to be on national television. Yoga and tea don’t help cucumbers at all.

Early the next morning, I am already up and at ’em when I receive my wake-up call, my bedside clock blasts, the alarm on my cell phone rings, and my mother telephones to make sure I’m awake. I’m up, I’m up. Overly tired but fueled by adrenaline, I get dressed. It’s the first time I’ve ever worn my Brooks Brothers crisp white shirt outside of the house and I must say, I understand why Oprah loves it. It looks super and there’s not a wrinkle in sight. It also costs around the same as the rest of the outfit combined, including my shoes. I grab my purse and head over to the NBC building.

As I walk past security, I think about how Oprah does this every day. It’s wild to imagine how one could become accustomed to speaking to millions on a daily basis. Of course, she would probably say the same thing about going to work and teaching people how to put their ankles behind their heads. I stroll past the onlookers outside the NBC building, and no one gives me a second glance. I love the renewed anonymity of being out of my own neighborhood. Getting lost in the hustle and bustle of New York in the morning actually relaxes me. I check in with an NBC page and am told to wait in a small greenroom, where I’m seated with two political pundits I see all the time on Sunday morning news shows. One, a far-right conservative, and the other, a well-known liberal, are chatting easily, although they are never so genteel on camera. Awaiting their moment to go on, they munch sandwiches and get their caffeine fix (the Republican sipping a Diet Coke, the Democrat polishing off a coffee). It’s clear they are at home on the talk show circuit. On the other hand, I feel like the country mouse, visiting her city mouse cousin.

A producer calls my name and brings me downstairs to a bigger greenroom. This one is loud and filled with people moving and talking a mile a minute. I’m told to sit and wait until makeup, hair, and wardrobe can see me. There’s more food here, but I’m wearing my crisp white shirt and I’m terrified I’ll spill something on myself, so I pass.

As I await my turn in the makeup chair, I sit in this frenetic room, alongside the Harlem Globetrotters, a grieving family whose daughter was brutally murdered, a slew of male calendar models, Santa Claus, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Oh, joy — nothing makes me feel prettier and more secure about my physical appearance than being surrounded by gorgeous women in skintight hot pants. I regret that I didn’t wear my Spanx underneath the tailored black trousers mandated by Oprah.

Look! There’s the handsome cast of a new television show, ready to promote its premiere. I also hear the telltale voice of one of Oprah’s regular style experts emanating from one of the private dressing rooms devoted to celebs. What a coincidence she’s on this morning. I’m concerned she’ll see my outfit and tell me I’ve done everything wrong. Publicly. There’s a guy sitting next to me on the couch showing off some medieval rings he’s brought to the show. I ask what he’ll talk about on camera and he says he is not going to be on camera. I guess the rings are to be the guest and he’s their chaperone. That should be a quick interview.

The crazier it gets around me, the calmer I become. There’s something about the chaos and the noise and the basketball players flirting with cheerleaders that acts as a sedative, and I feel my body relax into the big couch.

I have to give a shout-out to Reggie, Oprah’s makeup artist. While I might not be wild about the copious amount of false eyelashes he glues on her, I found his advice very helpful this morning when I put my face on. Earlier this year, I purchased makeup suggested on Oprah’s show, website, and magazine, but I really didn’t know what to do with it. Although I am confident in my ability to put on special-effects theatrical makeup, I didn’t think my appearance on national television would be the right time to make myself look like a wrinkled crone or the Phantom of the Opera. I want to feel pretty when I sit across from dreamy Matt Lauer. I got online and found Reggie’s Makeup 101 lesson and did my best in a short amount of time. One disappointment: He teaches that we need at least three colors of lipstick to create the perfect lip, and I only had one hue. Who knew?

When I sit down in the makeup chair, a lovely staffer tells me my makeup is already perfect. She barely has to do a thing to my face. I am so happy I did everything correctly, I consider writing Reggie a thank-you note. I am beaming. I wonder if this means I’d also be good at paint by numbers.

The rest of my time in the studio flies past. I am steamed and ironed and fluffed and lint-rolled. From the security guards to the pages to the producers and crew, everyone is incredibly kind to me. One of the guys on the crew bashfully mentions he is reading Oprah’s new Book Club pick and loving it. Most people give me a wink and a nod and a supportive pat on the back. I’m not feeling nervous at all, but I think my out-of-body experience is keeping me from quaking in my boots.

While I’m waiting to be brought on set, Matt Lauer gives me a wave. He’s reading some notes (about me, I think, prepping for the interview) and munching on a cookie. Oh, Matt. It’s not even 8 AM. I’m hooked up to a microphone by the sound guy as I’m seated on the couch. I’m amazed how comfortable I am. I’ve been watching this show for years, and their set has become a satellite extension of my living room. It feels weird that it doesn’t feel weird to be here.

Suddenly, we go live and I force myself not to look at my image in the monitors or read along with the teleprompter.

I’m allowed to talk about my project, answer some fun questions (Do I think other people should trying Living Oprah? No way!) and some challenging ones (regarding my choice to vote for Oprah’s favored candidate in the primary), and clear up most misconceptions people might have about the purpose of my year (I swear I’m not an obsessed fan!). Matt (we’re on a first-name basis) says that they contacted Oprah’s people, and a spokeswoman from Harpo, Inc., has given Today a quote. (Yikes! I didn’t know that was coming.) “Her blog takes a novel approach to being a fan. She certainly takes brand dedication to a whole new level.” I don’t know if that means that they are acknowledging that I’m trying to understand Oprah’s fan culture from the inside, or if they think I am vying for the presidency of her fan club. I decide to file that one for later.

The interview ends just as I feel I’ve gotten warmed up. Matt is hilarious, welcoming, and fun to talk to. Cohost Meredith Vieira is really kind to me off camera.

After I’m detached from my microphone and grab my purse, I’m ushered out of the building. I find my phone and dial Jim to see what he thought of the interview. As I hear his warm hello, I begin to take in what is happening around me. The crowd outside the studio is waving at me and calling out, “Hey, Oprah Lady!” A man reaches out to shake my hand. Then another. I entered the building completely anonymous and am leaving it as someone whom people want to talk to and touch. What is it about TV that instantly makes someone more interesting? I am just as boring as I was when I entered the studio. Maybe more so.

Later in the morning, people who have seen the show ask if I’ll pose with them for pictures. I do, because as I still haven’t entirely recovered from my out-of-body experience, I am not as protective of my personal space as when I’m in my body. One woman holds up a copy of O magazine when our photo is snapped. For the rest of the morning, people shout out to me across the street, talk to me in elevators, and pat me on the back as I pay for my salad at lunch. Geez! How many people watch morning television? I am so relieved when the limo picks me up in front of my hotel to bring me back to the airport.

Noticing the mini hubbub as the car pulls away from the curb, the driver looks at me though his rearview mirror, “You famous or somethin’?”

After I check my bag at LaGuardia, I walk to the gate and one woman yells out that she saw me on Today and loves my leopard-print flats. I become a little paranoid, careful not to do anything to embarrass myself in public. I want to spit out my gum but can’t figure out a way to do it gracefully, so I keep chewing until it becomes bitter, stiff, and slightly nauseating. Finally, I scoot to the bathroom and get rid of it. I feel watched and ridiculous for feeling like I’m being watched. I hide behind my sunglasses, wishing I hadn’t pooh-poohed the oversized frame trend this year.

Mercifully, just a few hours later, I’m back home as if nothing happened. Jim taped the Oprah show I missed this morning, and I sit cross-legged on the floor watching. I’m wearing my sock-monkey pajamas, eating the sushi that he and my friend Jefferson have ordered. We talk briefly about Today. I tell them that almost everyone who called, texted, or e-mailed after the show asked me how tall Matt Lauer is. Jim and Jefferson laugh and then ask me how tall Matt Lauer is. The conversation quickly turns to other matters, like the upcoming Céline Dion concert and our to-die-for spicy tuna rolls.

Once again, I can’t tell if life is imitating art or vice versa. This morning Oprah encourages us to follow our passions and have faith that our hard work and zeal will lead to a paycheck. She doesn’t want us to waste our time at jobs that suck our souls. Unless, I suppose, it is our goal in life to have our souls sucked. In which case, she’d probably support us.

She motivates us by saying, “Find out how to get paid for doing what you love.”

And “Following your passion, allowing yourself to be paid for what you love will give you a meaningful life, you know?” And “Do what you love and the money will come.”

I know lots of folks (me included) who would be more than happy to allow themselves to earn a paycheck doing what they love. Most of them are entirely receptive to financial reward for their hard work, and in their defense, I must say Oprah’s statement has rubbed me the wrong way. I feel she’s insinuating it’s our fault if we’re not making a living in our fields of choice. I’m upset by her words and want to argue with them, but as I’ve just signed my first book contract as a result of following my passion, I feel like a huge hypocrite. Still, I can’t help myself. Hypocrisy be damned! While I do agree that the world is full of possibility if we work hard and stay focused, I also think a key element in the alchemy of success is luck. We can work our butts off and keep our eyes on the prize, but this component of the success puzzle is not always under our control. It does help to be in the right place at the right time. What I think is special about Oprah is that she figured out how to identify her wave and ride it. That’s what I think many of us really need to learn. How to recognize opportunity and take advantage of it, understanding that the window might be open for only a short time.

The reason I want to lay out my opinion is I’ve heard from women who feel pretty low because, no matter how hard they work and sacrifice to make their dreams come true, they aren’t seeing a payoff. I think we have to consider that the formula for success is complicated, unpredictable, and not entirely in our control. I don’t think Oprah agrees. “I don’t believe in luck,” she says. “I think luck is preparation meeting opportunity.”

We all talk about how it is amazing that Oprah pulled herself from humble beginnings to mind-blowing success. But we should also realize that when Oprah became a syndicated talk show in 1986, she was just 32 years old. That’s pretty early in life to get your dream job. Plus she got her first position in the industry she loves at age 17. She didn’t have to wait with bated breath, keeping her fingers crossed when it came to career. Unlike Oprah, many of my blog readers, and many of the women in my life, are one or two decades further into their hunt for elusive success. When she says, “Do what you love and the money will come,” these can be inspiring words, but might also feel like a kick in the shins for some folks exhausted by hard work and lack of monetary reward.

It seems to me that many of the country’s most successful businesspeople don’t believe in luck, and they attribute their high status to their hard work. Does this mean they think they’ve worked harder than those of us lower down the economic totem pole? If so, do they consider themselves more deserving of success than those struggling to make ends meet? I don’t know. I guess it’s also possible that Oprah and I simply have different definitions of luck. Perhaps it’s pesky language getting in the way once again.

On July 11 this year, I was at Café Selmarie in Chicago with Grace, eating our favorite sweet potato fries with chipotle dipping sauce. These, by the way, are what I’d choose if I could have just one food for the rest of my life. I should mention that these are not actually fried, but oven roasted. I don’t want anyone to think I’m cheating on Bob Greene. I love them, and the café that makes them, so much that I convinced Jim to name our recently adopted kitten Selmarie in their honor. Our server approached our table and sheepishly asked, “Are you the Oprah Lady?” I froze like a deer in the headlights. I was still anonymous at this point, and the article in the Chicago Reader had just hit the stands. Because I was so uncomfortable at being recognized, I did what I always do when I’m feeling awkward: I started babbling. Even though I knew the poor waitress had to get back to work, I couldn’t get my gums to stop flapping, and I think I told her my entire life story. When she finally, gently, extricated herself, Grace and I started to laugh. My eager-to-please dial must have been set to maximum power. Being recognized by a stranger was one of the oddest experiences of my life.

And it continues, especially now that people know my name and have seen my face.

The recognition makes me a bit panicky, and I try to pretend it’s not happening. I’ve never before been on the business end of a pointing finger, and it’s odd. This afternoon is gorgeous and sunny. I walk down the familiar sidewalks in my neighborhood to do a few errands. A woman rolls down the window of her SUV and yells, “Did Oprah tell you to buy those jeans?” Why, yes, yes, she did. I do my best to identify the voice and peer into the window as the driver rolls it back up. I’m pretty sure she was a complete stranger.

Pardon the drama, but I feel my identity slipping away. Initially, this was intentional. I got the ball rolling when I decided to follow Oprah’s plan for living rather than listen to my own intuition. Since the beginning of the year, life has been feeling decreasingly vibrant, which makes sense as I’m really just living as a faded version of myself. This has become more and more uncomfortable for me as the months wear on. And now, when I’m addressed as the Oprah Lady, I feel like I’m being stripped of even more of my individuality. I don’t have any power over this and I don’t like it. This by-product of my experiment isn’t a component I expected, and while I do not relish it, I suppose it speaks to the effect of turning off one’s intuition in order to travel with the herd.

While it’s important to allow complete transparency on my blog, when I’m faced with offline recognition, I have a strong urge to protect my privacy. But it’ll detract from the project if I construct a wall between my personal and public lives. For now, I’ll pretend it’s not happening and go about my project as if people weren’t calling “Hey, Oprah Lady!” at me from their SUVs.

I’m sweating, pedaling away in front of the television. My bike — my beloved Gary Fisher that I’ve converted into a stationary bike by attaching it to an indoor trainer — has become a regular fixture in the living room this year. I can frequently be found cycling in the mornings as I watch Oprah. I’ve attached a little basket to the handlebars so I can have my remote control, a notebook, and my cell phone (with Internet access) within arm’s reach. I can do my BLC exercise, make notes on the show, and check my blog all at the same time. I wish my exercise could also generate the electricity to power the television. Now that would be handy.

I’ve just reread an e-mail from my good friend Jefferson — Yoda of all television knowledge in my world. The subject of the note is today’s episode, which has been quite a mystery. The promotions for the show have hinted that we’ll learn all about Oprah’s favorite to-die-for gadget, and Jefferson has discovered online that the device is the Amazon Kindle. This makes sense as Oprah loves to read.

For those of you not in the know, the Kindle is an electronic reader. It’s wireless, like your cell phone, and can download a gazillion books or periodicals from Amazon.com for a cost of approximately ten bucks per book. It weighs as much as half a human hair, has cured cancer, makes a perfect soufflé, and will bring peace to the Middle East. At least that’s what it feels like as Oprah launches into her promotion of the gadget. You can only get it at one place: Amazon.com. Her excitement is so fervent, she must make one thing clear: “I personally — let me just say this — I have no stake in the Kindle. I know it sounds like I do.” I wonder what the frenetic energy must look like in Amazon’s warehouses right now. I hope CEO Jeff Bezos made sure there were extra portable defibrillators in the packing area before the announcement. We all know that every time Oprah announces her love of a product, it flies off the shelves. And today her long endorsement is like an infomercial that I might see in the wee hours of the morning when I’m watching television, too stressed by this project to sleep. I feel as if I can read her audience’s collective consciousness as they giddily hope she’ll give each of them her favorite toy (she does).

I have a really weird premonition that she will send me one, but I dismiss it as quickly as it enters my mind. I am actually embarrassed by my ego, and I pedal a little faster. Why on earth would Oprah give me a present? Her staff has never contacted me or communicated the least bit of interest in my project. I doubt they’ll start by sending me a rather expensive gift. Oy! Robyn, get ahold of yourself. Oprah says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t get you all one at home, too.” I giggle and say to the TV screen, “No worries, Oprah. No gifts necessary.”

The phone rings and I snatch it out of my basket, certain it’s Jefferson. The caller ID reads THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW. I immediately stop riding my bike and break into a very cold sweat. How on earth did the show get my number? I start to get a little paranoid and wonder if I’m the victim of a prank. I fight my desire to look out my blinds to see if someone’s watching me. I normally allow calls to go to voice mail when I’m working out or if the show is on, but it seems I’ve developed a case of alien hand syndrome and I hit the talk button.

It turns out there is an employee of the Oprah show who has been deployed to deliver a present to me. She’s at my old address a few blocks away. Without thinking, I give this total stranger the location of my new home and wonder if I’ve also developed alien mouth syndrome. It dawns on me they must have my number and address from my application for show tickets earlier in the year. I make a note to myself to be more careful about the information I dole out online.

I’m suddenly mortified about my tiny little apartment, the bike I’ve dragged in front of the TV, the piles of laundry I’ve folded but haven’t had time to put away. I’ve worked too hard on decorating my home this year according to Winfrey to allow anyone from the Oprah show to see it in a state any less than perfect. I’m apprehensive about their judgment. I see the employee pull up a bit past my building, and I fly downstairs to meet her before I have to let her into my home. I realize I’m sweating profusely and am a mess. When I work out at home, I do not dress as if I might be hosting one of Oprah’s staffers. In fact, I should thank my lucky stars that I’m even wearing pants.

The gal who approaches is young and unsmiling and I feel completely awkward around her. She gives me a package, which I notice is wrapped exactly as the gifts were that Oprah just handed out to her audience moments ago. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is a Kindle inside. I make some clumsy attempts at expressing my gratitude and ask her to give Oprah my thanks.

She raises a perfectly arched eyebrow and says something along the lines of, “We know how much you love the show.”

I’m put off by this. Maybe they do think I’m one of their superfans, after all.

Her voice is flat. I can’t really get a read about what she thinks of me, but I can tell she doesn’t want to linger very long. I chuckle uncomfortably. She doesn’t even give me the hint of a grin. I’m feeling really dorky now, my heart pounding in my chest. I bid her farewell and she says a curt good-bye and we leave each other. She heads to her car and I bound up the stairs so I can hyperventilate in the privacy of my own home.

I open the foil paper and feel like Charlie, anticipating a golden ticket within the wrapping of his Wonka Bar. It’s a Kindle all right, and I automatically fall in love with it. The only thing I enjoy more than a cool gadget is a free gadget. There’s a typed note, with an actual signature, on personalized stationery that accompanies the present.

Enjoy Robin [sic],

Wanted to save you a few dollars on this one!

Thanks for watching.

Oprah Winfrey

But wait. My cloud of excitement dissipates and I remember that on this morning’s show, Oprah told us that we should get a Kindle “if you can afford it.” I check the notebook in my bike basket and read that quote I transcribed in a shaky hand as I pedaled earlier, “if you can afford it.” If I am to literally follow all of Oprah’s advice, without bending her words to my benefit, I have to buy this device on my own, when and if I can. I haven’t accepted any other monetary or material assistance from outside sources so far. I probably shouldn’t start now. I place the Kindle lovingly on my couch and stare at it for a while, not wanting to play with it and become too attached.

I start to think about the project and how I’m trying to remain as unbiased and open as possible. Can I maintain my neutrality if I keep this expensive item? Would people question my findings and opinions if I accepted such a decadent gift from the very woman I analyze on a daily basis? The Kindle retails for $359, and this one contains a special $100 gift certificate for downloads. While I am certainly no journalist, I know they aren’t supposed to accept gifts from their subjects. The reporter from the New York Times who came to my home this summer insisted that she pay for her own lunch because of the newspaper’s policies. I feel I should maintain the same integrity.

By now, everyone reading this book should know what I do next: Call Mom. She has me read Oprah’s note to her five times and is thrilled that I’m having such an exciting morning.

I tell her that I’m freaking out because I don’t think I can ethically keep the gift, but at the same time wonder if it’s ever ethically correct to return a present. I’ve never done it before and certainly never to the Queen of Talk. I mean, doesn’t everyone want Oprah to give them a treat? It’d be so much easier to just keep it. I want it. Oprah wants me to have it. And frankly, it’s too expensive for me to afford on my own right now.

My mom takes a breath and gently says to me, “No matter what you do, you’ll choose the right thing.”

Oh, come on! What kind of advice is that? Clearly someone’s taken over the body of my opinionated mother who even has a strong point of view on the subject of neutrality. We don’t speak for a little while, but she stays on the phone with me as I pace. You’d think I was trying to decide whether or not to give Oprah one of my kidneys, not make a decision regarding a piece of plastic with a motherboard. Finally, although it hurts my fingers to type this, I decide I can’t keep the Kindle. It just wouldn’t be right. I tell my mom that I’m going to send it back.

“Oh, thank G-d,” she exhales. “I was worried you were going to keep it.”

I call a messenger service to send back the package within the hour and sit down to compose a note to Oprah on my laptop. I hadn’t intended to contact her directly during the course of this year, but I can’t return her present without explaining that I don’t mean the least bit of offense by my actions. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best I can do.

Dear Ms. Winfrey,

I was so pleased and touched this morning when I received this Kindle from you. It was such a thoughtful gesture, I was literally speechless. And if you knew me personally, you’d know “speechless” is rarely a term that could describe me. As grateful as I was, as I am, I felt I had to return the gift.

Please understand that this is in no means an insult or a show of ingratitude. It is not intended in that manner at all.

The issue is, when I started my Living Oprah project, I decided to follow some rules. One of the most important was that I did not receive any outside contributions as they might conflict with my research. So, no sponsorship, no advertising, no grants, no gifts, or any other financial assistance.

I admire you so much as a woman who has “stuck to her guns” over the course of your career. And it is in that spirit that I’ve decided to stay true to the mission of my own work and give this lovely Kindle back. Don’t get me wrong — I did hold it lovingly for a few minutes before I decided it wasn’t the right thing for me to keep it.

You did say on the show that we, at home, should get one if we could afford it. And I will be able to do this. Maybe not this month. But certainly in the next.

I hope I have made my intentions clear. I am in no way spurning your generosity, simply acting in a way I know will maintain the integrity of my project.

All the very best to you.

Thank you,

Robyn Okrant

When I go to print out the note, I flash back to a discussion I had last night with Jim, who told me he forgot to get toner for our printer. I stare at the red light blinking up at me and decide not to panic. I should handwrite the letter, anyhow. It’s much more personal that way. I delve into my desk drawer and discover most of my notecards are silly and kitschy and, although I love them, none of them sets the appropriate tone. I briefly consider writing on one of my fun Wonder Woman greeting cards, but dismiss the thought. I should be professional and sincere, not irreverent. I finally settle on the simplest stationery I can find.

I transcribe what I’ve written on the screen. When I’m about halfway done, I remember that during a rerun back in January, Oprah shared that President Clinton told her to always write one-page letters so people can easily frame them. I get it in my mind that I should also try to write my note on one page. Certainly it won’t be framed, but it’ll be easier for her office staff to photocopy and poke fun at a single-sided document. I’m just doing my part to boost office morale. Only problem is, I start to run out of room. What started off as neat and legible at the top of the page turns into tiny, cramped chicken scratch at the bottom. It looks more like the manifesto of a lunatic than a thank-you and apology note. Maybe I should start again. Then the doorbell rings and I almost jump out of my skin. It’s the messenger, waiting downstairs for me. I can barely afford the service as it is, and if I make the delivery woman wait, I’ll have to pay a penalty charge. I decide to throw the crazy-looking note in with the Kindle. The messenger gives me a nod, shuts her car door, and drives off with the package. For the second time this morning, I head up the stairs to my little apartment, shell-shocked. With every step, I feel alternatively certain about my decision and incredibly doubtful.

Because of the day’s events, it’s challenging to follow Oprah’s advice to “Get a lift when you come in the front door.” I pause to look at the photos in my entryway. I hung them because they always make me happy: one of my parents bundled in warm clothing on a fall day in Lincoln Park, and one of Jim and me on our blind camping date, eating pancakes I cooked over a propane stove. My blood pressure begins to mellow. I lock the door behind me and take some deep, slow breaths, trying to see the true size of this event in the grand scheme of life. While I’m nervous about what my readers will think of my decision, I believe I made the right choice for myself. I look at my bike and remember I still haven’t finished the morning’s workout, but I don’t even consider jumping back on to pedal. It’s early afternoon and I’m exhausted and drained. I decide to take a hot shower, make a cup of tea, and lose myself in a great book made out of good old-fashioned paper.

The feedback from my readers about the Kindle Debacle, as I now refer to it, has been mixed. Some folks are angry I’ve given back a gift from Oprah and others are proud of my decision. At first I jump in and try to answer every comment, but then I realize I will never make everyone happy. This blog has grown into a healthy community, and it’s not my job to police it any longer. Although, frankly, I can’t wait for the debate to settle down as I think it clouds the purpose of my project and I’d like to refocus.

I learned from this experience that many people harbor deep hope that they’ll receive a present from Oprah Winfrey. I’m not making light of this because it’s with honest desire that some viewers dream of Oprah’s gifts, support, and attention. She’s positioned herself as a modern-day Santa, and countless fans long for her generosity. I’ve heard from many women who clamor for a piece of Oprah in the form of a gift. The material goods she hands out transcend their actual monetary value and are revered for their connection to the talk show host. Whether it’s a car or a cupcake, it feels as if I’m witnessing a personal religious experience when guests have gifts bestowed upon them by Oprah.

Luckily for her fans, Oprah is very generous. She genuinely appears to love making people happy by giving them things. While I might find the crazed behavior of her audience disturbing after they receive their prizes, I find Oprah’s action of giving to be heartfelt. I do wish what I saw in return was gratitude, not adoration, but most of our cultural responses to celebrities are exacerbated by the thrill that their stardom provokes. For instance, while my mom swears she never threw underwear onstage at a Tom Jones concert, some women did. Would we toss our panties at our favorite barista at the coffee shop? No way! Besides being a health code violation, it’s absurd. We don’t get as excited about one another in civilian life as we do with celebs, no matter how tasty someone makes our latte. It is no surprise that there is so much disparity between the haves and the have-nots when many of us are complicit in bolstering the idea that some people are more worthy of having lingerie flung at them than others. I say we should all just toss our underwear at one another, without discrimination, or stop doing it altogether.

I couldn’t afford this until December. I bought it - and it was on backorder! I finally received it in April 2009.

Date	Assignment	Cost	Time	Notes
10/1	Read O from cover to cover. (LO)		4h 0m
10/1	Get a mammogram “if you haven’t done it already.” (MAG)		0h 0m	Already done!
10/1	“Please take the time, if you can, to read” Nicholas Kristoff’s column in the New York Times about livestock rights. (MAG)		0h 5m	Interesting op-ed piece. I’d like a more in-depth story. I think maybe he has a book?
10/1	Oprah says we gals are too judgmental of each other and we should support our fellow women instead of criticizing them. (SHOW)		0h 0m	I think this is absolutely true. I aspire to be entirely committed to this. I will tread very carefully for the remainder of this year, staying very conscious of my intentions toward other women. (O)
10/1	Go to Oprah.com and visit the message boards to follow up on today’s show (about a woman who was so busy, she didn’t realize she left her baby daughter in the backseat of a hot car all day; the baby died because of the woman’s negligence). (SHOW)		0h 15m	Yikes! Oprah’s message boards are brutal.
10/2	Prepare home in order to complete “have friends over for Across the Universe viewing” and “make paella.” And make sangria from Oprah.com recipe. (SHOW/WEB)	52.07	1h 0m	Cleaned the house, set up for viewing party, postparty cleanup. (Made sangria from Oprah’s website, too!)
10/3	Read Maya Angelou’s Letter to My Daughter. (SHOW)	16.50	1h 45m	I read this in two sittings. It’s simple. You can really hear Angelou’s voice. Some were nice, some I didn’t agree with entirely, still a nice read, and there are a couple good quotes I’ll keep.
10/6	“That is the real lesson — is because you carry the poison with you. The cost of not forgiving is to the person who is holding on to whatever it is… and so, that’s why you let go of it, so you can free yourself.”		0h 25m	The guy’s voice made me a little crazy, but I thought it was helpful.
	Because of Oprah’s advice, I searched for assistance on her website and did the “Meditation on Forgiveness” by Jack Kornfield, which is on Oprah.com. (SHOW/WEB)
10/6	“One of the reasons I was interested in telling this story on the air is not just for us to be voyeurs, but for each person who is listening today to look in your own life and ask: Who do you need to forgive?” (SHOW)		0h 10m	I wrote for a bit — came up with a few people I might need to forgive. Just holding on to a little bit of resentment about them… just acknowledging this took weight off my shoulders. I didn’t think I even held grudges anymore.(O)
10/8	“Ask yourself, What can I live without?” (SHOW)		0h 15m	As I walked around through life today, I took note of what I didn’t need. This will be an ongoing project. I do want to say just because I don’t need something doesn’t mean I can’t have it. This is usually the way I look at these things — as if I need to go cold turkey. Frankly, there are some luxuries that improve my daily life and I’m not so sure I’m willing to give them up. (O)
10/8	“We need to shift the way we think about living our lives. And it really is about bringing us all back to living within our means.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	This was going great until I needed a health procedure and back brace that wasn’t within my means and I could only pay for it with credit. (O)
10/9	“Be nice.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	I’m on it! (O)
10/10	“Okay, we’re going to stretch” (to release the physical tension that gathers due to stress over money). (SHOW)		0h 45m	This is hilarious. Every time I freak about finances, I’ve been stretching. I even did it in public when I got a much bigger bill at a restaurant than I thought I’d be getting. The silliness relaxes me, more than the actual stretching, I think. (O)
10/10	“You’re going to love it.” (SHOW)	17.00	1h 29m	Oprah says I’ll love the animated children’s movie Madagascar. I’m not excited.
10/13	“Be sure to check out Suze on Saturday nights on CNBC.” (SHOW)		2h 0m	I did this two Saturdays in a row. It wasn’t so bad. It’s not exactly what I think of as Saturday night fun.
10/14	“Vote at the grocery stores” to show how I feel about cruelty to farm animals. (SHOW)		0h 0m	I’m doing what I can. It’s so much more expensive to shop this way that I’ve had to take some other things out of my cart. (O)
10/15	“We need to learn to be more civil to each other.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	’Nuf said. (O)
10/15	“I also think this is very rude, so don’t do it to me anymore. People say this to me all the time, ‘Do you remember meeting me?’ And then they go, ‘What’s my name?’ ” (SHOW)		0h 0m	Okay. I can’t imagine it’ll ever come up, though. (O)
10/15	“Ask yourself this, Are you rude?” (SHOW)		0h 0m	I’ve gotten 100 percent better about not using my cell phone when I am ordering coffee! (O)
10/15	“Be more gracious to everybody.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	Why, thank you for this advice! I appreciate it! (O)
10/19	“Read the article. Such a great article.” (SHOW)		0h 10m	Halle Berry article on Esquire.com.
10/21	Read My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. (SHOW)	16.47	4h 0m	Oprah said to do this if we have a family member who had a stroke. I have.
10/22	“Whether you’re a parent or grandparent, aunt or uncle, I hope you’ll pass some of them along to a child you love.” (SHOW)		0h 2m	Nothing was funnier than my 3-year-old niece’s blank look as I taught her about fiscal responsibility before she opened her Christmas presents.
10/23	“Find out how to get paid for doing what you love.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	This felt exhilarating to hear. (O)
10/23	“Following your passion, allowing yourself to be paid for what you love will give you a meaningful life.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	Well, I am following my passion. And I’m allowing myself to get paid for what I love. And I know the universe will shower me with salary any moment now. Any moment… Universe?… (O)
10/23	“Do what you love and the money will come.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	See above. (O)
10/24	“Take a breath, everybody.” (SHOW)		0h 0m	Oprah wanted us to breathe and relax and know the economy will be fine.
10/24	Buy a Kindle reader “if you can afford it.” (SHOW)	359.00	0h 5m	Couldn’t afford it at first. Saved up! Bought it on 12/29/08.
10/24	“You are really going to love yourself when you do this.” (SHOW)		1h 0m	Make Chicken Pot Pie from Cristina Ferrare’s recipe (made on 11/28 for family during Thanksgiving weekend). My parents bought ingredients. Wouldn’t tell me how much they spent.
10/27	“Every woman needs a fan!” (to make us look great in portraits) (SHOW)		0h 0m	Hilarious. I had the photographer turn on a fan during the photo shoot for this book. You can’t tell because my hair’s so short, though.

Date	Assignment	Cost	Time	Notes
Throughout Month	Watch every episode of Oprah. (LO)		23h 0m	23 shows
Throughout Month	Do Best Life Challenge exercise. (BLC)		6h 0m	80 minutes a week for 4.5 weeks
Throughout Month	Take A Course in Miracles. (WEB/SHOW)		7h 45m	approx. 15 minutes a day for 31 days
MONTHLY TOTAL		461.04	52h 11m
YEAR-TO-DATE TOTAL		4,092.64	1062h 54m
ONGOING PROJECTS – “Reinvigorate your appearance with some great advice on how not to look old…” – “Rethink your eating habits with some absolutely delicious and utterly original meals…” – Use cloth and reusable bags at grocery store. No more plastic. – Change lightbulbs to energy-efficient bulbs. – “I think in terms of investment, it’s the best thing you can ever give yourself is to have beautiful surroundings.” – “I would just say to anybody, whatever secret you’re holding, live your own truth.” – Sharon Salzberg meditation – Make your rooms personal. – Best Life Challenge exercise and diet guidance – “I do want you to start thinking about, as I have started thinking about, how much you consume. I mean, like every time you throw away a paper towel. Every time you are, you know, wasteful with food in your house… just think about how much you really need.” – “Get a lift when you come in the front door.” – “I want you to savor every meal.” – “I want you to pay attention to how happy women get that way.” – A Course in Miracles – Declutter home/life. – A New Earth meditation – “With the arrival of spring, I hope you, too, will reconnect with nature.” – “When you think that you’re going to get in a car and drive, I want you to think about this mother holding her daughter’s head on the side of the highway. That’s the thought I want to come to your mind before you go to get in the car after having even one drink.” – “Stop defining yourself by what you see — or think you see — when you look in the mirror.” – “Everybody think about this: On the way to work or on the way to do whatever you do during the day… how many negative things… the negative tape that’s playing in your head all day long about yourself. I can’t do that, I shouldn’t do that, I’m too fat, oh, look at my thighs…” – “I think we should be open like Horton.” – “Alexis Stewart talks candidly about trying to get pregnant on her radio show Whatever, on Martha Stewart Living Radio. Tune in to follow her progress there.” – The YOU: Staying Young Aging Quiz – Learn to accept all people. – “Stop saying that” (re: using the word “just” to describe ourselves). – Take Dr. Oz–recommended vitamins and supplements (vitamin D, folic acid, fish oil) – Rise and Shine — how to wake up less stressed. – “Be sure to check him [Dr. Oz] out on XM156, Oprah and Friends, and also on our section of Oprah.com. Keep those questions coming.” – Ten Secrets to a Better Love Life – Get Rolfed. – Burt’s Bees Eye Cream and Ageless Night Cream – “Going out to work every day, which every man does who is responsible for his family, after a while men feel taken for granted that they are doing that… so there needs to be some acknowledgment of that” – “The truth of the matter is, men do need to be made to feel like they’re winners. They do need to have themselves built up.” – “Go to Oprah.com for more of Suze’s advice on how to survive these tough times.” – “So, if you or somebody you know needs help with addiction and finding treatment in your area, call the National Drug and Alcohol Addiction Hotline.” – “You have to do your own self-test” (re: breast self-exam)
Accounting Abbreviations: LO = Living Oprah Project Task, SHOW = The Oprah Winfrey Show, WEB = Oprah.com, MAG = O, The Oprah Magazine, BC = Oprah’s Book Club, BLC = Best Life Challenge, (O) = ongoing project

OCTOBER:

Isn’t it ironic?

ONGOING PROJECTS