Five Years Later

 

THERE WAS NOTHING like being in an inverted spin. Nothing. No words could even describe it. It was scary as fuck, thrilling as all get out, and it was my job.

For nearly one minute, my F-22 Raptor spun out of control as I waited for the new system installed on the plane to kick in and help right the plane. Control talked in my ear as I focused on getting the plane righted. Then, as quickly as I lost it before, I regained control.

I felt myself smile and let out the breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding.

“Great job, Captain,” came the familiar voice in my ear.

“Good going, Bang,” my best friend and fellow test pilot, Jack “Maddog” Monroe, said.

Jack always called me by my call sign, Bang. I had a thing for breaking the sound barrier, and he swore I got off on it. It didn’t take long for the call sign to stick.

“Way to go, Captain Byers,” Major Wise said. Even I could hear the smile in his voice.

Control came back over. “RTB, Captain. That’s it for today. We’ve got the data we need.”

RTB, return to base. I hated hearing that. If it were up to me, I’d stay in this plane, flying up in the clouds for as long as I could. But that wasn’t possible, and a few minutes later, I landed the F-22 at Edwards Air Force Base.

F-22s weren’t the only planes I was a test pilot on. It wasn’t very common for a test pilot to be qualified in multiple aircraft, but I was. I was nothing if not an overachiever.

As I walked back into the building, I caught sight of Jack. He smiled as I made my way back to my locker.

“Damn good flying, Bang.”

I shot him a cocky grin. “Did you take notes?”

He laughed as he followed me. “You wish you could teach something.”

“Oh, I’m positive I could teach you plenty.”

Jack sighed and shook his head. “Where are you going on leave?”

For a moment, I tensed. Jack had been one of my closest friends since test pilot school. He was also one of the few people outside of Boerne, Texas, who knew the reason I joined the program. He knew my pain and had been there countless times for me when I found myself drowning in a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Or when I was on the verge of walking a bit too dangerous of a line. Jack had always been there to pull me back. Not even my best friends in Texas knew how bad it had gotten at times. I rarely ventured back to the Lone Star State. At least, I went there as little as possible. When my folks died in a car accident six years ago and left me the family ranch, I had turned over the running of it to one of my father’s most trusted friends, Paul Landon. He had worked for my daddy for as long as I could remember. He knew the demons that faced me back home, and he didn’t hold it against me when I didn’t return unless I absolutely had to.

Clearing my throat, I said, “Nowhere special.”

I didn’t have to look at Jack to know he was giving me a frown.

“Are you going to let her see you this time?” he asked.

Turning, I shot him a dirty look. “Don’t, Jack.”

He held up his hands in defense. “I’m only saying, it’s been five years, Nolan. Don’t you think you’ve tortured yourself enough with this? If she hasn’t remembered by now, do you honestly think she will?”

I closed my eyes and slowly let out a breath. “I wish I had never told you.”

He grunted. “I’m sure you do, but you did. Have you talked to Linnzi’s parents?”

“Yes,” was all I said.

“She’s still in France?”

This time all I gave him was a nod.

Jack knew me well enough to let it stop there.

“When do you leave?” he asked on a sigh.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“You need me to watch Duke?”

I shook my head. “No, Jessica and Mike are going to stay at my place and watch him.”

Duke was my five-month-old black lab I had somehow become the owner of when Jessica, who was another test pilot’s wife, begged me to take him after she had rescued an entire litter of abandoned lab puppies. I had to admit, Duke filled the emptiness of the large house I lived in off base. It was nice to come home and have someone greet me.

“They owe me one since it was Mike’s wife I got the damn dog from.”

Jack laughed as I removed my G-suit and harness. Once I got everything back into my locker, I grabbed my wallet and sunglasses.

We headed down the hall and to the debriefing room to talk about the test flight I had finished. Before we walked into the room, Jack stopped me.

My eyes met his, and I could see the concern in them.

“I’m only saying this because you’re like a brother to me, Nolan.”

I felt my jaw muscles twitch as I clenched my jaw.

“Maybe it’s time you let her go.”

My free hand fisted, and I had to force myself to let my entire body relax. With a short and quick shake of my head, I replied, “Never.”

He looked away and slowly shook his head.

Then, as if I needed to say it one more time to confirm it to myself, I turned, entered the room and whispered, “Never.”

 

 

Paris, France — Four days later

 

I stood on the cobble street and looked at the flat Linnzi had been living in for the last four-and-a-half years. In college she had studied French art and had almost taken an internship at the Musée d’Orsay in Paris, but ultimately turned it down. She had also majored in French, so she spoke the language flawlessly. According to Linnzi, she had other dreams, and they included me and starting a family. The only two things she ever dreamed of. Art was her passion, but I was the love of her life. Or at least, I had been.

When she appeared on the small stoop, I took a step back. My heart once again did that familiar jolt in my chest anytime I saw her. For a moment, I closed my eyes in an attempt to ease the pain, but it didn’t work.

Opening my eyes once more, I took her in. Her light brown hair was pulled up into a ponytail, and she had very little makeup on. That wasn’t anything new. Even Linnzi before the accident wasn’t much of a showboat in the makeup department. She had always said mascara and lipstick were the only two items she needed. In my opinion, she didn’t even need that—she was that gorgeous. I watched her move forward, dressed in a light blue dress with black flats. God, she looked beautiful. It had been three months since I had seen her last. I tried to come to Paris as often as I was able to. The need to see her, to see how she was doing, to see if she had met anyone, was too strong for me to resist. Amy and Steven, Linnzi’s parents, had always kept me up to date on everything, but I still needed to see her with my own eyes. Maybe a small part of me still hoped she might have felt my presence—crazy as that made me.

I could almost see her glacier blue eyes from across the street when she did a quick scan of the area. Linnzi’s eyes had been the first thing I noticed when she looked at me. They felt like they had pierced into my fourteen-year-old heart and never let go. It was obvious to me now, being here, that they never would.

She tilted her head up and let the sun shine down on her face, and I clenched my fists tightly at my sides. The urge to rush across the street and touch her was almost debilitating.

Then she jerked her head back down and frowned. She looked around, but I knew she wouldn’t see me. I was tucked back into an alcove. When she stared in my direction, though, I felt my heart lurch.

“Monsieur, elle ne vous voit pas.” A female voice came from my side.

“Je ne parle pas français,” I replied.

“Really? You spoke it so well,” she replied with a wink in a heavy French accent.

My eyes drifted back over to Linnzi, who was still searching around for someone.

The woman spoke once more. “Elle te sent là-bas.”

This time my head jerked back to the older woman. “Pardon?”

She gave me a warm smile. “This woman, you come and see. She feels you there. There is a…how do you say…histoire d’amour.”

“A love affair?” I asked.

She pointed to me and then Linnzi and nodded.

I sighed. “Once upon a time.”

“Ahh, il fut un temps, oui. There was a time, yes? Vous l’aimez? You love her?”

“Yes, I love her very much.”

“She must love you. Pas de petit ami. Um, no boyfriend.”

“Really?” I asked as I watched Linnzi start down the cobbled walk.

“No. Never. It is as if she waits.”

I stepped out of my hiding place and took in the older woman. She was pretty, late fifties, maybe. “What do you mean?”

She gave me a knowing smile and then called for someone. A younger man walked over, maybe in his earlier twenties. She fired off rapid French to him as she pointed at me then over at Linnzi’s flat and then back at me. Even with how well Linnzi spoke French, I still had a hard time with it, especially when spoken fast. The young man smiled and nodded and then said, “Ahh.”

I lifted a brow as I watched them both. Then he walked closer to me and reached out his hand.

“I am John. This is my mother. She was trying to say that Linnzi, across the street. Her heart belongs to another.”

I felt my heart racing. “She’s dating someone?”

He laughed. “No. No. That is why she does not date. Um, how do you say, she has already given her heart to someone, she simply does not know who he is.”

This time I frowned as I looked between them. “What do you mean, she doesn’t know who he is?”

“She tell my mother she feels like her heart is missing someone. She has a great love but cannot remember him.”

It felt like every emotion rolled through me. Longing, sadness, excitement. Hope. Christ, it was all there in one ball.

“Elle rêve de lui,” he said with a smile.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means.”

“She dreams of him, this man she is missing.”

I swallowed hard and took a few steps back as he pointed at me and said, “You are him, no?”

With a nod of my head, I moved my focus back down the street where Linnzi had gone. “God, I hope so.”

He frowned.

I tried with all my might to pull up the little bit of French I knew. “Je l`espère. I hope so.”

He smiled then patted me on my arm. “Good luck, my friend.”

“Merci,” I said as I set off after Linnzi. I knew she was heading to work at the museum, so it wouldn’t be hard to catch up with her. I also knew I would plant my ass at a table outside the coffee shop across the street and wait for her. I always went to the same café during each visit, and every time the owner would smile and wave at me. This time was no different. I had already told her a shortened version of the story, and she found it terribly romantic. Her words not mine.

“Ah, Nolan! Comment avez-vous été?”

I kissed her once on each cheek. “I’ve been good. You?”

She waved her hand in the air. “Living.”

I laughed.

“Go. Go, I bring you café.”

“Thank you, Amélie.”

As I settled in and drank my coffee, I took in the people walking by. I loved Paris. I hated the reason I kept coming, but that didn’t deter my love for the city. My phone buzzed on the table, and I looked down to see Linnzi’s mother’s name.

I slid my finger over my phone to answer. “Hey, Amy.”

“Nolan, how are you?”

“Fine.”

“Liar,” she said with a weak laugh. “How does she look?”

“Good. She looks good. When are y’all planning on coming to visit her?”

She sighed. “Next month. When I talk to her on the phone, it breaks my heart. There are so many times I want to tell her, Nolan. I think it makes it harder that she doesn’t ask questions. Nothing. Never.”

I closed my eyes and remained silent. Not even breathing.

“Steve seems to know when I’m at my breaking point; he takes the phone away or turns the computer and starts talking to her.”

It was a few more seconds before I opened my eyes and released a breath. It was almost as if I felt her in that moment. I searched the windows of the museum, even though I couldn’t see anyone standing in them.

“I almost ran to her today, Amy. I came so close to calling out her name, but I can’t. I can’t make myself do that to her.”

“When? When is enough time, Nolan? It’s been five years and she hasn’t dated a single person.”

“There is a reason she’s blocking me from her memory still. She’s not ready to remember.”

Amy cursed. “Sometimes I wish I had never agreed to go along with this. I know it’s for the best, and I know it was the right thing, but at some point, Nolan, you’re going to have to give her the chance to remember. And the only way she’s going to do that is if you let her see you again.”

I reached up and scrubbed my hand down my face. “I know, Amy. I’m just so…”

“Scared.”

“Yes. What if she remembers and then hates me?”

“Oh, Nolan. Are you still blaming yourself for the accident?”

A gut-wrenching feeling hit me hard. “Yes! It was my fault.”

“It wasn’t!” Amy practically shouted. “It was an accident. Nolan, it was investigated, you were cleared. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

My breaths started to come faster and shorter. I couldn’t breathe. Fuck, I couldn’t breathe.

Amy’s voice was calm over the phone as she whispered my name. “Nolan, I want you to take in a deep breath.”

The air…it wasn’t coming. “Can’t. Breathe.”

“Listen to me, a deep breath in, and then out. Focus, Nolan.” Her voice was soft and steady. “In. Out.”

I closed my eyes and did as she said until the pressure on my chest eased and I could breathe freely once again.

Amélie ran out, and I held up my hand. “I’m okay, I’m okay.”

She gave me a weak smile and then turned and went back into the coffee shop. I hadn’t had an episode like this since that day in the hospital.

“I’m sorry,” Amy whispered. “Does it happen often?”

“No,” I managed to get out. “It hasn’t happened since that day.”

“Nolan, will you please think of coming for Christmas? Please.”

Knowing damn well I had no intention of going back to Boerne for Christmas, I lied. “Yes, I’ll think about it.”

“Good,” she said, a hopeful sound to her voice. “And Nolan?”

“Yes?”

“Think about what I said, okay?”

I inhaled a deep breath through my nose. “I will.”

We ended the call after our goodbyes, and I once again looked up at the windows before I stood and walked back to the flat I had rented. Suddenly, I was so damn tired.