Nolan

One week earlier

 

MY PHONE BUZZED in my pocket, and I quickly pulled it out. “What do you want? I’m on vacation!” I shouted.

“Nolan? Where in the hell are you? What’s that noise?”

I laughed at the surprise in my best friend’s voice. “Truitt! I’m about to jump out of a helicopter.”

“On purpose? And what the hell are you doing taking my call then?”

“Yes, on purpose. And I figured it was important if you were calling me, bro.”

There was a moment of silence before he whisper-shouted, “Dude, are you on some secret mission?”

“No, I’m in Rio de Janeiro, jumping out for the hell of it. And I’m not a spy, dumbass. Don’t you know what I do for a living, man?”

Truitt sighed, or at least I thought he might have sighed. It was hard to hear him. Finally he said, “Because it’s not like your job is dangerous enough, now you’re jumping out of a helicopter.”

“What’s up? They’re waiting on us!” I yelled over the roar of the helicopter firing up.

“Right. Okay, so Nolan turns two next week and we’d love for you to be able to make it to the birthday party. After all, he is your godchild.”

“Next week?” I shouted.

“Yes, Saturday!” Truitt yelled back.

A part of me dreaded the idea of going anywhere near Boerne. But I also wanted to see Truitt and Saryn, as well as the kids.

“No promises, but I’ll be there if I can.”

Jack slammed my back and yelled, “Let’s go!” Then ran to the helicopter and jumped in.

“Listen, I’ve got to go.”

I could hear Truitt sigh. “Okay, call me later so I know you didn’t kill yourself, you lunatic.”

“Right! Kiss Saryn and the kids!”

After I hit End, I zipped my phone back up and headed to the helicopter and jumped in. It didn’t take us long to get to the altitude we needed to jump.

I looked over at Jack who held up three fingers to let me know we had three minutes until deployment. I nodded as a rush of adrenaline hit me and I forgot all about Boerne and the idea of heading back home and facing memories I’d worked so hard at forgetting.

Jack held up one finger to signal we had one minute as he started to make his way out of the helicopter. Pete, our other friend, looked at me and shook his head as I laughed. I was positive he was wondering how in the hell I had talked him into this. We both climbed down and stood on the edge of the landing skid. Then, Jack lifted his hand and gave me a thumbs up.

Pete looked like he was about to get sick. The three of us each had GoPros attached to our helmets. My pulse pounded, and I looked out at the blue sky dotted with white clouds. I needed this. Craved it. Fucking lived for it. This wasn’t anything new for me. I had jumped out of plenty of planes, but the helicopter was a new experience for me. Skydiving was a huge adrenaline rush, and I was addicted to anything that gave me a rush. Anything that made me forget my past.

We moved down, holding onto the landing skid with our hands. I heard Jack count down. “Five, four, three, two, go!”

I launched my body out. It felt so freeing. The rush of the freefall was unreal, yet at the same time, it was one of the most beautiful moments one could ever experience. Off to one side was the ocean, a sea of blue and green. On the other side, a view of Rio de Janeiro and the mountains took my breath away.

I would never get tired of this. And the more times I did it, the better it was. It never got old. A moment when I allowed myself, for only the briefest of times, to not be in control. Even if it did only last five minutes, it was five minutes where I didn’t have to think about anything else.

Five minutes later, we were back on the ground. Hands slapping and smiles on our face. With the exception of Pete. He never was one for jumping out of planes, and now he could add helicopter to the list of perfectly good modes of transportation he’d much rather stay seated in.

“I need a drink,” Pete said as he walked past us.

“Where are you going?” Jack called out, laughing. Pete simply raised his hand and shot us the finger.

Jack and I laughed as we followed him.

Two hours later, we sat down to eat at a restaurant called Marius Degustare, renowned for their Brazilian and Mediterranean cuisine.

“Because flying a fighter jet and causing it to go into a tailspin while you attempt to right it again isn’t fun enough for you two?” Pete asked as he downed another drink.

I shrugged as Jack shoved food into his mouth.

Pete pointed at me. “I get why you do it. At least, I think get why.” Then he pointed at Jack. “You, I have no idea.”

Jack smiled and winked at him.

My curiosity got the best of me. “Why do you think I do it, Pete?”

“Which part? The insane adventures you go on? Or your job?”

I shot him a half smile. “Both.”

Pete sat back and used his napkin to wipe his mouth. He regarded me with a serious look as he thought about what he was going to say. That was Pete, though. He wasn’t a pilot. He was a numbers, statistics, and data kind of guy. While we flew up in the planes, he was down on the ground taking our findings and making the planes safer. Faster. Better.

“The adventure part. You’re an adrenaline junkie. I think all fighter pilots are in a way. You couldn’t do what you did if you didn’t love it. As for your job?”

He stroked his chin, and Jack laughed and said, “Hell, we’re going to be here all night.”

I smiled and took a bite of my fish while I waited for Pete to finish.

“For some reason, I don’t think you joined the Air Force with the dream of being a test pilot.”

“You don’t?” I asked with one raised brow.

He shook his head. “No. I don’t. A pilot, yes. Anyone can see your love of flying in the way you do it. You’ve been doing it for a lot of years.”

I nodded. “My father taught me.”

“I figured. I think there’s a deeper reasoning behind why you decided to be a test pilot, though.”

Jack froze next to me, and I forced myself to smile. “I think you use that brain of yours too much, Pete. I love my job and being able to make the planes safer for my fellow pilots is reason enough for me to do it.”

He returned my smile with one of his own. “Do I? Think too much? Maybe you’re right. But every time you go up there, you have a purpose beyond what we do. It’s as if you’re trying to make up for something or someone you wronged.”

I looked away.

“Pete…” Jack warned.

“I’m sorry, Nolan. If I overstepped…”

Focusing back on him, I shook my head. “Nah, you’re fine. No worries, dude.”

Pete stared at me as if he wasn’t sure what he should do or say.

I sighed and dropped my napkin on my plate. For some reason, I felt the need to tell him something about why I had changed course. “Being a test pilot wasn’t part of my original plan, no. I was involved in a plane accident that caused me to lose…”

My voice trailed off. I fought to regain control of my voice. I shook my head and forced myself to go on.

“After the accident, something in me changed. I wasn’t able to control the things that day, and that bothered me. I applied for TPS and got in. Now my job is to make sure that our pilots get a safe and reliable aircraft for their missions, and I take damn pride in it.”

“I know you do,” Pete stated. “I know.”

I could feel Jack’s gaze on me, but I ignored him.

“What are we doing next?” Pete asked. “I know there aren’t any live volcanoes around here, so I’m not worried about hiking up to one.”

This time I let a wide grin grow across my face. “We’re going zorbing.”

Pete moaned and closed his eyes as Jack laughed. The tense moment was gone as quickly as it came.

“I’m not spinning around in a damn ball,” Pete stated. “I saw the video of when you did that in New Zealand. No, thanks.”

“He needs to have his ass run over,” Jack said, laughing.

Pete’s eyes widened. “Run over? What do you mean, run over?”

Jack and I simply looked at him.

“Fuck,” he whispered. “It’s because I thought too much, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Jack and I said at the same time.

 

 

I walked up to Pete’s office and knocked on the door. When he looked up, I couldn’t help but smile. “Dude, you still look a little green. You feeling good?”

He gave me a hard stare. “I’m still having nightmares about the fucking zorbing, and we got back a few days ago.”

With a laugh, I made my way into his office and sat down. Pete told me and Jack he was never going on vacation with us again. After zorbing, we went zip lining, then whitewater rafting, and the last day we sat on the beach so Pete could recuperate from the trip. Once we got back to Edwards Air Force Base, he dropped to the ground and kissed it.

“Are all your vacations that intense?”

“Nah, not really.”

He shook his head, then leaned back in his chair. “What’s up, dude? You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

I sat back in the chair, lifted my leg, and rested my ankle over my knee. “I’m heading to Texas for a few days. Long weekend. I don’t have any flight plans set until Thursday.”

Pete glanced at his calendar. “The F-22 pitch test.”

With a nod, I replied, “Yeah.”

“What are you going to do in Texas? Try and milk a bull?”

My brows drew in, and I tilted my head slightly as I leaned in a bit closer. “Milk a bull?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, I grew up in New York City. But that sounds like it would be a dangerous thing to do. A rush for you. So, of course, you’d try it.”

I was positive my mouth dropped open some. “Dude, you have a PhD. Why would you ask a dumbass question like that?”

Another half shrug. “I know you can’t actually milk a bull, Nolan. Seriously, what are you planning on doing in Texas?”

I shifted in my seat a bit. “Checking on my family’s cattle ranch, and attending my godson’s birthday party. They named him after me.”

“Wow. That’s nice of them to name their son after you. You must be close.”

I nodded. “We are. His dad Truitt is my best friend.”

“I didn’t realize you had a family ranch in Texas. Where about?”

“Boerne, Texas. It’s west of San Antonio.”

“Nice. Well, hopefully you won’t make the small child get on a bull.”

I stroked my chin as I looked up in thought. “You know, I never thought about bull riding.”

He laughed. “You know, I still think there’s a deeper meaning behind why you get up and fly in those planes and go on the vacations that you go on. You are one intense motherfucker.”

My smile slowly faded away.

Pete let his own smile fade.

It was time to get serious. “Look, when you mentioned me having another reason why I became a test pilot…”

Pete held up his hands. “Dude, I didn’t mean to pry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Pete. Honestly. I didn’t want you to think I was upset about it. I’m sure Jack probably gave you a stern talking to.”

He lifted a single brow. “He might have told me not to ever mention it again.”

With a roll of my eyes, I let out a sigh. “Jack is like a brother to me. We were in the Academy together and at pilot school. He knows the reason behind it all, but you’re right in a way, Pete. When I go up, I am attempting to right a wrong from my past.”

Pete nodded, and I knew that was the end of our conversation. He didn’t need answers and wouldn’t ask a million questions.

“Jack and I are going out for a few beers,” I said. “You want to join us?”

“That’s it? Just beers? No side trips to bungee jump off a bridge or anything?”

Laughing, I held up my hands. “Just beers. Maybe pizza. We can meet at Joe’s.”

He smiled. “Then, I’m in.”

“Great, see you in what, an hour?”

“I’ll be there.”

“No chicks, it’s guys’ night,” I said as I stood and headed out of his office.

“Nolan?” he called out before I turned the corner.

“Yeah?”

He frowned for a moment and then smiled as he shook his head. “Never mind. See you later.”

As I headed out of the building to my motorcycle, I pulled out my phone and pulled up Truitt’s phone number.

Truitt Carter had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. We grew up together in Boerne, and he had been there for me during some pretty fucked-up moments of my life. He built playhouses—luxury playhouses—for a living. His wife Saryn was our other best friend Ryan’s sister. She had moved from Boerne and gotten married to a douche from high school and had a sweet little girl, Liliana, who was now five. After she and Truitt got married, they had Nolan. I would never forget the moment he called to tell me his son was born, and that he named him Nolan. It meant more to me than he could ever know.

I sat on my bike and sent Truitt a text.

Me: I’ll be able to make it this weekend. Flying in tomorrow and staying until Tuesday. That’ll give me a few days to see y’all and then check on the ranch.

It wasn’t even thirty seconds before he replied. I had already slipped on my helmet as I looked at his text.

Truitt: Dude, you have no idea how much this means to me. We can’t wait to see you.

With a smile, I closed out of his texts and saw I had one from Amy. Actually, I had five from Amy and three missed calls.

I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. “I can’t right now, Amy. I can’t.”

Eight. Years. I had cut back my trips to France to twice a year. Last year I had gone only once. The pain of seeing her was too much to handle. She had walked right past me one day a year ago and hadn’t even stopped. Her eyes had been steadfast in front of her, and I had prayed like hell she would swing her gaze slightly, if only to catch a quick look at me. She hadn’t. She continued to throw herself into her job, and the tension between me and Amy started to grow. She wanted to tell Linnzi. Hell, I wanted to tell her, but we still all agreed there had to be a better way. In a sense, Linnzi was hiding from her past. She even told her parents she was going to a therapist in France. If only she would go back to Texas. Maybe something there would trigger her memory. My only fear was that it would open the floodgates, and she would remember everything. I hated not having her in my life, but I feared her hating me forever the moment she remembered. Sometimes I thought it would probably be better for everyone if Linnzi had moved on with someone else. The thought of it killed me, and I knew if it ever happened it would destroy me, but there must be a reason she hadn’t remembered me in almost eight years.

Eight fucking years.

I deleted Amy’s text messages without so much as reading them. I’d listen to her voicemail later. For now, I wanted to think about anything but Linnzi.