Linnzi

 

IT ONLY TOOK a minute for the memory, or should I say memories, to hit me. Nolan and me racing to the next pasture dozens of times. It was so clear, it nearly caused me to gasp. I was so angry with myself. I had hidden in Paris like a damn fool. Now that I was back home, a part of me was angry that my parents had been clearly keeping something from me—though the other part was terrified they had a reason to keep whatever it was a secret.

But ever since yesterday in Saryn and Truitt’s kitchen when I saw Nolan, the memories were slowly trickling back in. It was as if my past was drip-feeding me clues, knowing it had to be slow-going for reasons I wasn’t yet aware.

Nolan and I had clearly been something much more than friends. I could feel his confusion when he looked at me. He was keeping his own pain hidden, and while he thought he hid it well, I could see the pain in his eyes. On his face.

The memory floated back down to me. “I’ll race you to the next pasture.” Before I could stop myself, I blurted it out loud.

Nolan visibly flinched but attempted to play it off. Then, with a sexy-as-sin smile, he replied with the very same words from my memory. “You won’t win.”

With a swift kick, I spurred Whiskey on. The feel of the wind against my face was thrilling. I had missed this. Goodness, I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Texas.

A tree stood in the middle of the pasture, and I knew that was our ending point. The place where we had ended countless races. I glanced back over my shoulder, only to see Nolan’s horse not even breaking a sweat.

Then, he smiled, nudged the horse, and like a bolt of lightning, he ran past us.

“You cheated!” I cried out, and I swore I heard him laugh.

Whiskey and I were only a few seconds behind as I brought my horse up to a stop next to Big Mac Jack. I was laughing so hard, I nearly felt like I could cry. “This is magical! I haven’t felt like this in…I don’t honestly know now long.”

His smile was still on his face as he stared at me with a look that said he wanted so much more from me. It made my entire body shiver.

“Thank you,” I said.

Nolan gave me a slight nod, then looked away.

“There’s a spot over here I want to check out,” he said. “Maybe we should walk the horses. There’s a creek for them to get a drink.”

“Of course.”

“And I won, in case we needed to clarify that.”

With a roll of my eyes, I scoffed. “Pfft. You cheated.”

He chuckled. “How did I cheat? I didn’t even pick out the horses!”

I felt my cheeks ache slightly, and I realized it had been from grinning like a mad woman. I was truly so happy in this man’s company.

Then, Nolan’s smile faded. “Linz, did you remember racing like that before?”

A part of me wanted to tell him yes, but I needed to keep the memories a secret a little while longer. At least for now. I wasn’t sure why, but I wasn’t ready to let anyone know I had been remembering more and more. I didn’t want to hurt Nolan by withholding my memories, but I felt deep in my soul that I needed to keep this to myself, at least for now.

“I don’t think so.”

He nodded but couldn’t hide his frown.

“Did we race a lot? You and me?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

He looked at me once more. “We did. To that tree, as a matter of fact. You loved being on horses. You even talked about training them once we got…”

“Once we got what?”

A look of utter panic swept over his face.

“Nothing. You always said if you didn’t do something with your art degree, you’d work with horses.”

I stared down at the reins in my hand and let my eyes move to the neck of the horse. I wasn’t sure how long I stared down at Whiskey before I said, “I can see myself doing that now.”

“Doing what?” he asked.

“Working with horses somehow. Maybe start a boarding barn. I’d have to buy a good-sized lot for it, though. At least twenty acres, if not more.”

All he did was nod and then focused straight ahead.

The sound of a creek slowly began to emerge, and I could tell Whiskey knew exactly where it was coming from. He picked up his pace, and I giggled.

“I think he knows where the water is.”

Nolan let out a quick laugh. “I know he knows where it’s at. You could let the reins drop and he’d take you there.”

Coming to a stop, Nolan got off his horse, tossed the reins over the saddle, and then walked up to me. “Need help getting down?”

“Nope, I’ve got it.”

Doing the same with my horse as he did with his, I drew in a deep, cleansing breath. “It’s so clean out here. Nothing like how Paris was.”

“It’s much quieter here too.”

“It is,” I said with a lightness in my voice I hadn’t heard in a very long time. I felt at peace out here, and I wasn’t sure if it was simply from being in the country, or if it had everything to do with being with Nolan.

“Are the horses okay?” I asked, glancing back over my shoulder to see them both making their way to the small creek.

“Yeah, they’re fine.”

I followed Nolan as we walked along the creek for a bit before coming to a stop at a small bridge that crossed over to the other side.

“It’s still here,” he mused.

“Were you expecting it not to be?”

He shrugged. “Every heavy rain when it floods, I always expect it to be gone. But it never gets washed away when the creek floods. It’s like there’s some sort of protective shrine around it.” He peeked over at me. “As stupid as that sounds.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think that sounds stupid at all. It looks old, so it’s most definitely weathered some storms in its lifetime.”

Something moved over Nolan’s face, and I felt a sudden rush of emotion. He seemed sad, and I realized I didn’t like knowing he wasn’t happy. I wanted to do something to make him smile. To take his hurt away. This place was special to him, yet at the same time something about it made him sad.

“My granddaddy built this bridge. He had a little hut-type place he had built on the other side of the creek. He brought my grandmother here when they were dating and asked her to marry him right on that bridge.” His voice seemed to trail away, as if lost in the moment when his granddaddy told him the story.

My chest squeezed with a strange sensation. “How romantic.”

Nolan laughed. “My dad thought so too. He asked my mother to marry him on this bridge as well.”

Then, he looked directly at me and waited. What he was waiting for, I had no idea. I looked from him, to the bridge, and back to him. “That’s so incredibly sweet.”

A look of utter disappointment came and went so fast, I almost missed it.

“Anyway, I haven’t been back to the ranch since baby Nolan was born,” he said, “and the last time I was here, some kids had been trespassing and drinking beer in the gazebo.”

I smiled and whispered, “I love gazebos.”

“Yes, I know,” Nolan said. I was positive he wasn’t aware he’d said it out loud. “Let me walk over the bridge first to make sure it’s sturdy, then you can walk over.”

“Okay,” I replied as I watched him carefully walk over the old wooden bridge. “Your granddaddy must have built it pretty strong to last this long!”

Nolan didn’t say anything as he made it to the other side and then turned around. “Okay, come on over.”

I carefully stepped onto the wooden bride and walked across it. When I touched the grass on the other side, I let out the breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding in.

“You sure didn’t look very confident in Granddad’s skills as you were walking over it,” Nolan said with a crooked smile.

My hand came up to cover my mouth. “Truthfully, I wasn’t!”

Nolan reached for my hand and curled his fingers through mine. The way it made my body instantly warm felt so good. It had been a long time since I felt so…content. Happy. Safe. Those were only a few of the words to describe how I felt in that moment.

We walked down a path. Judging from the overgrowth, it was obvious Nolan hadn’t been here in some time.

“Why have you been gone for so long?” I asked.

Nolan looked lost in his own thoughts for a moment before he simply said, “Hiding from bad memories.”

I slowly nodded. “I know how that is.”

He stopped walking and faced me. “What do you mean?”

With a half shrug, I looked up into those stunningly blue eyes. They reminded me of the countless days I walked along the beach and stared out at the Mediterranean Sea when I would go off for a few days of vacation. I never thought one could get lost in another person’s eyes until I looked into Nolan’s. I found myself struggling to even form words or remember what I was about to say.

“The whole reason I stayed away from Texas as long as I did was because I knew something bad had happened to me. It was the only reason I could think of for why my parents were so vague. I mean, I could’ve found out what truly happened to me if I wanted to.”

A look of horror moved over his face.

“The doctors told me my memory was blocking out the accident. That I couldn’t remember it for a reason. An internal safety mechanism for my brain, sort of. That’s when I knew I had to leave. I could see the pain in my mother and father’s eyes and, truth be told, I was a coward.”

His eyes widened. “A coward?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “Because I didn’t want to know. Honestly, I’m still very much afraid that it will all come back. And if it does, I somehow feel like my life will be forever changed.” As I stared at him, I suddenly realized that Nolan had played a part in all of this. Or, maybe deep down I already knew. I was too afraid to question how—not when—I felt so alive for the first time in years.

Coward indeed.

Nolan dropped my hand and started to walk away. He removed his cap and raked his fingers through his hair, then put the cap back on with a deep sigh. He turned and looked at me. The pain on his face was almost unbearable. And when he opened his mouth, I knew he was going to tell me everything.

“Don’t…” I quickly said. I could see it written all over his face. Maybe I had it seen yesterday too, when he turned and looked at me in Saryn and Truitt’s kitchen.

He shook his head as his lips pressed tightly together and his face constricted in a pained expression.

“Don’t tell me what you were about to tell me, Nolan. I’m so blissfully happy right now, please don’t ruin it. Being here with you and experiencing this feeling deep inside of me that screams that you and I were so much more…I don’t know how, and I don’t want to remember how. At least not right now. Please, keep those things to yourself.”

That caused him to jerk back, almost as if I had slapped him across the face.

I took a step toward him. I needed to make him understand how I felt. “Do you know that feeling when you first walk outside after it’s been raining for days and days, and you lift your head toward the sky and the sun warms your face?”

“Y-yes.” His voice sounded strained.

I dropped my head back and let the sun hit my face and smiled. “When you kissed me yesterday afternoon, that’s what it felt like. Like I had been trapped inside for days, months…years.” I let out a chuckle. “But then you kissed me.”

Righting my head, I met his gaze. My heart broke in two at the sad expression on his face, and I would have given anything to take it away.

“It has been eight years of being in the rain, Nolan. Eight. And I see it on your face, too, and I know you’re getting ready to leave again, and I have no idea when you’ll come back. But that kiss brought light to the dark world I’d been living in. I dreamed about you, Nolan. All those years I dreamed about you.”

I felt my cheeks heat as I pressed my fingers to my forehead and let out an embarrassed laugh. “I mean…” My hands went to my cheeks in an attempt to cool my body down. “I had these fantasies. Very vivid dreams that I was with a man. I would wake up sometimes gasping for air because they were so intense. The love and passion in those dreams…I swore I felt it when I woke up from them. I had them nearly every single night. It started about a year after I moved to Paris. Those dreams. God, they felt so real. I had it in my head there was someone out there waiting for me. Looking for me. Then I saw you sitting there at the café that one day, and something buried deep inside me ignited and I had no idea what it meant. All I knew was I had to go after you. I followed you until I lost you in the crowd. A complete stranger, and I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Then, that night, I dreamed again. But it wasn’t a faceless man who was kissing me and making love to me like it had been all those years before. It was you.”

Nolan closed his eyes and drew in a slow, deep breath before he opened his eyes and looked at me.

“When I turned around and saw you in Saryn’s kitchen, I knew it was fate. Destiny. Whatever you want to call it. I was meant to see you that day in Paris, I was meant to come back to Texas, and you were meant to be there. Then, you kissed me, and I knew it was love. It was in your kiss, Nolan. And I know I’ve experienced that love before; I felt it in the depths of my soul all those years. I feel it when you look at me now.”

“Linz, please…”

A rush of something mixed with fear and anger took over. “Don’t stand there and tell me I’ve never loved you before, Nolan. Do not lie to me because I feel it here.” I pressed my closed fist into my chest. My eyes filled with tears as I went on. “I ache with it. I laid in bed last night and you were the only thing I could think about. That kiss, your smile. The way my body warmed simply by watching you with those kids. I loved you, I love you, and I don’t know if you ever loved me—”

“Yes! God, yes. I love you so much, Linz.”

I inhaled sharply. “Love? You still love me?”

He rushed to me, cupped my face in his hands, and leaned his forehead against mine. His breathing was so ragged, like he had run uphill for miles to get to this one spot. To get to this very moment. To tell me what I had a feeling he’d been wanting to tell me for years now.

“I’ve never stopped loving you. Never. I’ve been waiting, Linz. For eight damn years, I’ve been waiting for you.”

I closed my eyes and felt a sob finally slip free.

With his forehead still pressed to mine, he shook his head and whispered, “Please don’t cry. God, please don’t cry.”

“Say it again, Nolan. Please.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, and I nearly dropped to the ground when I saw twin tears slip free and roll down his cheeks. I lifted my hands and brushed them away with the pads of my thumbs.

“Please,” I whispered.

He opened his eyes and pulled slightly away as he met my gaze. “I love you.”

Smiling, I felt my heart do a crazy little dip as my stomach followed right along. “I know this is crazy, and I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I know it’s true. I love you too, Nolan.”

“Fuck,” he mumbled as he pressed his mouth to mine. The kiss was full of need and passion, and eight years of locked-up feelings between both of us burst free in that one moment of truth.

“Nolan, I want you,” I said as I pulled my mouth from his. “I want you.”

He looked stunned. Then he stumbled back and nearly fell. I reached out and grabbed onto his arm.

“Do you not want me?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice coming out strained. “I want you more than anything.”

He looked around at where we were.

“Will you take me to the cabin now?”

My heart thundered in my chest as I waited for him to respond. My God. I had just asked this man whom I had only known for less than twenty-four hours—yet somehow knew that I’d known him much longer than that—to take me somewhere and sleep with me. Who in the hell was I?

“No,” he finally got out. Then, he shook his head. “I mean, yes. But we can’t…we can’t be together. Not there.”

I nodded and tried not to look as devastated as I felt. I plastered on a smile that I was positive looked forced. Why in the world had I let my emotions take over?

Why?