Linnzi

 

BLISS. THAT WAS how my life was currently. Nolan and I had been back in Texas for a week, and although he seemed off and distant at times, everything had truly been amazing. We made love in nearly every room of the ranch house. We were as close as two people could be, like the eight missing years weren’t even between us. Nolan had been so sweet and caring when it came to Belle and having to take her out in the middle of the night—of course, he had experience with puppies after raising Duke. I would even catch him staring at me when he didn’t think I was looking; it made my heart grow even more in love with him.

But a part of me wanted to scream at him sometimes. For the missing years and how it left me to wonder why he stayed away from me for so long. We could have been together, starting our life. Our family. I knew all I had to do was ask him. But a bigger part of me was scared of the answer.

In all honesty, I had figured it out on my own why he had walked away that day. Nolan was afraid he would trigger my memory. No, he was afraid he would trigger a memory. Whatever had happened, he was scared to death I was going to find out. My parents knew. Hell, I was positive most of Boerne knew.

With a sigh, I stared at myself in the mirror. My light brown hair was piled up in a loose bun on top of my head with curls hanging down to frame my face. My pale blue eyes were outlined with only mascara, and I added a pair of small sapphire earrings that I knew would make my eyes pop more.

I stood, turned, and walked over to the full-length mirror that was in the bedroom. I had on a long, flowing, white lace skirt and a cropped, white lace shirt that showed just enough of my stomach that I knew it would drive Nolan crazy all night long. I finished it all off with a pair of silver and sapphire blue high-heeled shoes. I also wore a small sapphire necklace that had been a gift from Nolan when I turned twenty-one. I didn’t remember getting it, but my mother told me where it came from when she gave it back to me recently. I knew Nolan would be over the moon when he saw it.

With a smile, I turned and grabbed my cell phone and slipped it into a small clutch. Nolan and I were heading out to a benefit dinner with Truitt and Saryn. The only thing I knew about it was that the proceeds were for an organization Nolan and Truitt started a few years back for underprivileged kids in the Boerne area. It was for a summer camp that taught them how to build and design things—playing on Truitt’s love of building with wood, and Nolan’s love of aeronautical engineering.

As I walked into the living room, I couldn’t help but notice how Nolan stopped talking the moment he saw me. He was speaking to someone on the phone, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head as he stared at me. I let my gaze move slowly over him. He was in dress pants, a long-sleeved, blue button-down shirt, and a black cowboy hat. Not to mention the black cowboy boots. The whole package made my lower stomach clench with desire.

“Um, I need to let you go. I’ll talk to you about that later, Paul.” Nolan ended the call and tossed his phone onto the sofa, moving toward me like a lion on the prowl.

“Do not mess up my hair, Nolan Byers!” I warned as I took a few steps back.

“If you didn’t want me to ravish you, you shouldn’t have walked out in this outfit. Holy shit, Linz. You look beautiful. And sexy. And…damn…you’re stunning.” He gently cupped my face in his hands and kissed me softly. A small sigh slipped free and caused him to smile against my lips.

Nolan leaned his forehead against mine and drew in a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He shook his head slightly, not meeting my eyes. “No.”

My heart started to pick up speed, and I swallowed hard. “Nolan, what’s been bothering you? You’ve been so distant.”

He jerked his head back. “Distant?”

“Well, I don’t mean all the time. But at times you seem so lost and confused. You’re worrying me.”

Nolan rubbed at the back of his neck. “After the dinner, Linz, we need to sit down and talk. There’s something I need to tell you about us—the past us. I can’t let it go any longer.”

I felt my throat move as I forced myself to swallow. “Okay. We can talk later.”

“You have to promise me you won’t ask me to stop.”

I nodded. “I promise.” A part of me knew I would never truly be able to move on until I let myself remember.

He gave me a weak smile, and then placed his hand around the back of my neck and brought my mouth back to his. This time the kiss was all consuming. Nolan appeared to be pouring as much love into it as he could. Almost as if he feared he’d never be able to kiss me again.

“Promise me you’ll love me forever, Linnzi.”

Now I was beginning to worry even more. “I…I promise you, Nolan. I could never not love you. Even when I didn’t fully know it, it was always you. You’re my other half.”

His eyes went wide, and he seemed to be searching for something…air to breathe…words to say…something. My heart ached at the pain in his gaze.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“Oh, Linz. I love you so much more, baby.” He kissed me again then stepped back when a male voice cleared on the other side of the room.

I turned to see Truitt and Saryn. Truitt was dressed almost the same as Nolan, but he wore a white cowboy hat instead of black. Saryn was dressed in a stunning violet dress that was shorter in the front and had a small train in the back.

“You look beautiful, Saryn!” I said.

“Thank you, and so do you. That outfit is stunning.”

“And going to be off the moment we’re alone,” Nolan whispered against my ear before he nipped at my earlobe.

I giggled and allowed Nolan to take my hand and walk us over to Truitt and Saryn.

“Who’s watching the kids tonight?” I asked.

“My folks. They made a generous donation to get out of having to dress up and socialize with people. My father’s words, not mine,” Saryn stated.

“Are there any betting pools going on tonight?” Nolan asked Truitt.

With his middle finger up and pointed in Nolan’s direction, Truitt replied, “Ha ha. No, asshole.”

When Truitt turned my way and told me how nice I looked, I noticed Nolan sending out a text. I was pretty sure it was to place bets on how long it would take for Truitt to get hurt, or hurt someone else, or be taken to the ER for some reason or other. Poor Truitt. The guy was so smart and handy, but really had the worst luck when it came to getting hurt.

“I know you’re not doing what I think you’re doing,” Truitt stated as he tried to reach for Nolan’s phone.

Nolan flashed him a quick smile. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Saryn rolled her eyes. “We should get going since you two are the reason this dinner is happening.”

Truitt motioned for me and Saryn to walk ahead of them. As we did, I asked Saryn, “How many people will be there?”

“We normally have a great turnout each year. I think this year more people bought tickets to the dinner after we announced Nolan would be there, though.”

I lifted a brow. “Really? Why?”

Saryn gave me a smirk and then winked. “Let’s just say a lot of very wealthy, single women bought tickets this year.”

I felt myself frown.

Saryn tossed her head back and laughed. “Darlin’, please. You have nothing to worry about. Everyone who looks at the two of you can see that Nolan loves you like crazy.”

I glanced over my shoulder to see both men deep in a conversation. Nolan clearly felt my gaze, because he looked at me and winked. I felt my stomach dip, and I quickly turned back around.

Saryn leaned in to whisper in my ear. “And your love for him is as clear as day. Trust me, Linnzi, you will be the couple everyone is talking about in Boerne tomorrow.”

I felt my cheeks heat as I shook my head and walked carefully down the front steps of Nolan’s house to his truck, which was parked in front of Truitt’s.

 

 

Another yawn and I did everything in my power to hide it. Nolan noticed it, like he’d noticed the last ten.

“We’ll leave in a few minutes,” he whispered against my ear.

“I’m fine. I don’t know why I keep yawn…” My voice cut off with yet another yawn.

Damnit all to hell.

Nolan chuckled and then placed his hand on the small of my back and guided us closer to where the exit was.

“Do you know what I’m craving?” I asked in a hushed voice as Nolan moved us past two couples who smiled and nodded their hellos.

“Me?” he replied.

With a lighthearted giggle, I answered, “Yes, always. But I’m dying for some ice cream. A Heath Blizzard with extra Heath. Oh, and chocolate syrup added to it.”

Nolan looked down at me and smiled. “How about a chocolate custard cone? There’s a great place down the street from here, and they’re open late.”

“That would work,” I stated and then smiled when an older couple made their way over to me and Nolan.

“Mr. Byers, I heard you are an Air Force pilot!” the older woman proclaimed.

“Yes, ma’am,” Nolan said with his most charming smile. “I am.”

“There is something very sexy about a man who’s a pilot!”

The woman’s husband rolled his eyes as I nearly choked on my own tongue, but somehow I managed to keep it in.

Nolan, on the other hand, laughed out loud. “Have you met Linnzi Cunningham?” he asked.

They both turned to me, and we exchanged greetings. A part of me wished Nolan was introducing me as his fiancée. I knew it was crazy to even think that way, but knowing we were engaged before the stupid accident, and now pretending like we weren’t, was slowly starting to bother me. I mean, were we still engaged? Were we not? Would Nolan have to propose to me all over again? It wasn’t like he could take back his original proposal, right? Gahhh, so many variables to our relationship. When the couple walked away, I turned to Nolan. I had no idea where it came from, but I word vomited on him.

“Why aren’t you introducing me as your fiancée?”

Nolan’s eyes went wide with shock, and he opened and closed his mouth several times before he asked, “What?”

I drew in a deep breath through my nose and said, “Did we break off the engagement? Is that what we need to discuss?”

He shook his head. “No, I told you, we were going to be married that weekend, but the accident prevented it.”

His voice trailed off, and that distant look slowly crept into his eyes once more.

“Then why are we pretending like we’re not engaged. Do you still want to marry me?”

Oh Lord. Where was this coming from? My emotions were all over the place. Linnzi, stop this. Now.

Nolan took my arm at my elbow and guided me to a quiet spot. “Of course I do, Linz. A lot has happened over the last eight years, and I didn’t want to assume we would just pick up right where we left things.”

“You,” I said. I was taken aback by the coldness in my own voice.

“Excuse me?” he asked, a confused look on his face.

“Where you left off. Because clearly you remembered me after the accident, but I didn’t remember you. And you decided not to remind me who you were. So, there isn’t a we, it’s only…you.”

The moment the words were out and I saw the devastation on his face and that all-too-familiar look of pain in his eyes, I regretted my words. Nolan cleared his throat and looked around the room.

“I’m…I’m sorry, Nolan. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean any of it.”

He pressed his lips into a tight line. All he offered was one small nod. “We should go get that ice cream and then head on home.”

I closed my eyes and cursed myself. What in the world had come over me just then? “Nolan…”

“Don’t, Linnzi. Please. Don’t.”

I clamped my mouth shut and allowed him to guide me over to where Truitt and Saryn were. They were obviously attempting to leave as well.

“We’re going to head out,” Nolan said as he and Truitt exchanged a look that said a million things between the two of them. Saryn looked at Nolan, then at me. She smiled and then leaned down and hugged me.

“This was fun! I’m glad I wasn’t the only other one here tonight.”

“You did an amazing job planning all this, Saryn. Please let me know how I can help next year.”

Her eyes sparkled like diamonds. “I will! I’d love the help!”

With a nod, I replied, “Count me in.”

Before I knew what was happening, Nolan swept us out of the room and we were standing at the valet waiting for his truck to be brought around.

Nolan cursed. “Shit, I forgot to give Truitt something. Can you go ahead and tip him for me and wait in the truck?”

“Of course,” I replied, still reeling with guilt over the words I had spoken only a few minutes ago.

I nodded and took Nolan’s wallet as he handed it to me. “It won’t take but a minute to give Truitt this check someone gave me earlier,” he said.

“Okay, no worries.”

I watched as Nolan took the steps back up two at a time and disappeared into the event center.

Glancing down the street, I waited for the valet to bring Nolan’s truck up. I opened his wallet and looked for a small bill to give the valet. I pulled out a ten and then smiled as I saw Nolan’s military ID. I ran my finger over his face and felt my heart grow bigger. I was so proud of Nolan and all that he had accomplished.

“Oh, how I do love you, Nolan Byers.”

Something was sticking out from behind the ID that caught my eye. Slipping my finger against the paper, I pulled it out.

My heart instantly felt as if it would beat out of my chest, and I had no idea why. I pushed Nolan’s ID back into its spot, and then tucked his wallet under my arm.

Slowly, I unfolded the paper and felt my entire body go cold. So cold I shook like I was standing outside in freezing temperatures, when it was actually unseasonably warm for March.

I stared down at the paper and felt my entire world flip upside down. “Oh my God.”

My hands trembled as I stared at a sonogram picture of a baby. A red heart was drawn around the baby and the words, “La bébé,” were typed on it with an arrow pointing to the little blob in the photo.

“Amanda,” I whispered as I watched a tear hit the paper. It felt like a rush of a million memories flooded my mind all at once. So overwhelming, all of it, and I swayed with the weight.

“Ma’am? Excuse me, ma’am? Are you okay?”

I jerked my head up and stared at the valet. He frowned and held out Nolan’s keys. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head and glanced back up at the doors. My lungs burned with the effort to breathe. Tears streamed down my face, and all I could think was that I needed to be alone. I needed to be alone to process all of this.

“I…I…I have to go.” My voice sounded strained.

“Excuse me?” the valet asked in a confused voice.

I quickly opened the passenger door and tossed Nolan’s wallet onto the seat.

“Tell him his wallet is in the truck.” Then I quickly ran around the truck and out into the street. I waved at an Uber driver who was most likely waiting to pick up another person. I didn’t care, I had to get out of there.

The valet called out to me as the car drove up, and I opened the back door. “Ma’am, wait! He’s right there!”

“Linnzi?”

I turned to see Nolan walking down the steps. He looked confused.

Slipping into the car, I cried, “Go. And please don’t let him follow us.”

“I don’t think you’re my ride, lady.”

He turned to look at me, and I gave him a silent plea. He nodded as he asked, “Are you okay, lady?”

“Yes,” I sobbed. “Just don’t let him follow us.”

“Um…”

“Please!” I begged as he nodded and stepped on the gas.

“Should I call the police or something?”

I frantically shook my head. “No, no. I just need to get home.”

Then I looked down in my hands and gasped. I was holding the keys to Nolan’s truck. I had thrown his wallet and the sonogram picture in the passenger seat, but somehow had kept the keys. I didn’t even realize I had taken them from the valet.

“Where to?” the young man asked.

I wiped at my tears and gave him my parents’ address. I knew they wouldn’t be home since my mother had mentioned going to a friend’s house for some card night or something.

After paying him with cash and a hefty tip, I got out, kicked off my shoes, and took the steps two at a time. I put in the code and ran up the steps to the second floor, and then up to the attic. For some reason, it was the only place I could think to go. The trunk. It had been calling to me a few weeks back, and the draw was even stronger now.

Throwing open the attic door, I flipped the lights on and dashed up the steps. I looked at the locked trunk and then around at the rest of attic. I found a metal candlestick holder and started hitting the lock as hard as I could until it broke free. I pushed the lid open and then fell to my knees and started to cry even harder when I saw the contents.

“Why? Why?” I screamed out as I buried my face in my hands. The memory of holding my daughter in my arms when they said she was gone. The horrified look on Nolan’s face when he realized our daughter had died—it all hit me at once. I dropped onto my ass and wrapped my arms around my knees as I cried. I felt my entire body shake as sob after sob hit me, rocking me to the core.

Once I managed to gain control of my emotions, I looked down at what was in the trunk. A picture frame with a photo of me holding Amanda minutes after she was born, Nolan sitting next to me looking down at her. I remembered the moment like it was yesterday. I set the photo on the floor and tore through the trunk. There were clothes and toys and I nearly lost my breath when I saw a small box sitting off to the side. I reached for it, already knowing what it was. I opened it and felt my body shake once more.

My wedding band set.

A loud scream filled the attic, and for a moment I didn’t even realize it was coming from me. I was positive the neighbors could hear me a mile away.

I stood, wiped my eyes, and stumbled back. I clutched the velvet box in my hands and reached for the photo. Without any feeling in my entire body, I made my way down the steps to my room and stripped off my clothes. I put on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt and then grabbed an old gym bag and filled it with clothes and whatever else I could think to take from my bathroom. The entire time I felt like I could hardly breathe from crying so hard. With my mumbled pleas to God, I begged him to help me understand how I had mentally blocked all of this out of my mind—and why in the hell everyone had allowed me to avoid the situation. I was an emotional mess. Anger began to mix with all the other confusing emotions. I knew I needed to leave before anyone showed up. I was positive Nolan would find another way to get to me. The last thing I could do was face him.

No, I couldn’t face anyone right now. I needed to be alone. Alone so I could…so I could what? Grieve? Scream out in anger? Figure out why everyone lied to me or why I lied to myself?

I gave my head a jerky shake and drew in a deep breath. Before I headed downstairs, I ran back up to the attic and grabbed a small blanket I remembered knitting for Amanda while I was pregnant. I stuffed it into the bag with the photo, my rings, and clothes. I turned once more and ran as fast as I could down the steps of the attic, down the next flight of steps, and out my parents’ front door, dropping Nolan’s keys on the side table by the entrance as I went.

I stopped at the end of the walkway and stared. The next house down from my parents’ was a quarter of a mile, on either side. It was nothing but silence as I stared down the road. Then I did the only thing I knew how to do. After eight long years, I ran away once more. I had no destination in mind, only the desire to run. So hard and so fast my lungs burned, and soon my legs felt like jelly. Every muscle in my body ached, and I was glad for it. It dimmed the pain in my heart ever so slightly, and pulled my attention away from it breaking.

Once I’d exhausted myself and I couldn’t run another step, I pulled out my cell phone and called the only person I knew who would help me.