Seymour, Missouri
Weighed down by a lack of motivation, Esther Stutzman lay on her bed, drowning in her sorrows while staring up at the ceiling. After several hours of nonstop crying, her three-month-old twin boys had finally fallen asleep. If it were possible, Esther would spend the rest of the day right here in her room—away from the responsibility of taking care of her and Abe’s seven children. The babies, Jerod and John, were her second set of twins. The first set, Barbara and Becky, had turned three a month ago. They were napping in the room across the hall. Emma, age six; Thomas, age eight; and Mark, age ten, were in school. But today was their last day of the session and then they would be home until the end of August, so Esther would soon have to deal with all seven of them.
She rolled onto her side, staring vacantly across the room. I’m so depressed. How am I going to get through this without losing my mind?
Esther wished they could hire a young woman to come in to help out, but finances were tight and there was no money for anything but the essentials. During the first few weeks after the babies were born, some of the women from church had come during the day to help out. But they all had homes and families of their own, so they couldn’t come over indefinitely.
If Mama hadn’t died from a brain aneurism last year, she’d still be living with us, and I’d have all the help I needed.
Esther’s cheeks burned, and she pressed her palms against them as a sense of guilt overtook her. It wasn’t only her mother’s help she missed; it was her companionship. When Esther’s father had died three years ago in a hunting accident, Esther’s mother had moved in with them. Not only had Mama assisted with the children, household chores, and gardening, but she and Esther had also spent many hours laughing, visiting, and simply enjoying each other’s company. Esther’s husband helped out when he could, but he worked long hours in his buggy shop, so caring for the children fell on Esther’s shoulders. It had been wonderful having Mama there not only to help with the children’s care, but to fill Esther’s lonely hours.
“Mammi. Mammi.” The door to Esther’s bedroom, which she’d left ajar, opened all the way, and Becky rushed in. “Daschdich.” She pointed to her mouth. “Hungerich.” Becky touched her stomach.
Frowning, Esther sat up on the bed. “How can you be thirsty and hungry when we just had lunch?” she asked in Pennsylvania Dutch.
Becky giggled.
Esther clenched her teeth to keep from shouting, Go back to bed! Instead, she patted the mattress beside her. “Come lie down here beside me. We can take our naps together.”
Becky’s bottom lip protruded. “Ich lei net gem.”
“I know you don’t like to nap, but you need one.”
The stubborn girl, her arms folded defiantly, would not move.
Esther’s gaze flicked upward. Lord, please help me. She didn’t want to lose her temper, but she couldn’t give in and let Becky have her own way.
Esther stepped down from the bed, strode across the room, and lifted the child in her arms. “You and I are going to take a nap,” she said firmly, placing Becky in the middle of the bed.
The little girl looked up at Esther and blinked several times. Esther figured tears were forthcoming.
“I’ll be right here beside you, so close your eyes now and go to sleep.” Esther lay down on her back and took hold of her daughter’s hand.
It didn’t take long before she heard Becky’s even breathing. The little girl didn’t stir, so Esther felt certain she was asleep. At last Esther’s eyelids closed as she relaxed against the pillow. Maybe now I can finally get some much-needed rest.
Waa! Waa! Waa!
Esther sat up with a start. She’d been sleeping so soundly, it was hard to wake up. “Oh no … Are the bopplin awake already?” She looked at the spot where Becky had been sleeping and saw that she was gone. Now where did that little schtinker go? I hope she’s not the cause of her brothers being awake.
Esther glanced at the battery-operated clock on the table beside her bed. It was a quarter to three. She’d slept longer than she thought, and the other children would be arriving home from school soon.
She clambered out of bed and stumbled from her room. First things first. She had to get the babes diapered and fed, then find out what the girls were up to.
Half an hour later, Esther picked up one of her satisfied boys and headed for the living room. When she got there, her mouth gaped open. “What in the world has happened in here?” She stared at the muddy paw prints on the floor and grimaced when she saw a filthy animal lying on her husband’s chair.
Esther turned and carried John back to her bedroom. Here I thought I was gaining some ground, but I was wrong. Now I’ve got a big mess to clean up. She placed John in his crib next to Jerod.
Esther’s hands became fists as she burst into tears and flopped onto her and Abe’s bed. My husband isn’t going to be happy that he won’t be sitting in his favorite chair this evening after working all day. She sniffed deeply. It’ll be wet from being cleaned and scrubbed—if I can even get all the dirt washed off, that is.
Esther’s crying eased, and she sat up on the bed and looked over at Jerod and John, who were also crying. “I’m sorry, sweet boys. Mommy’s day just got extra busy. When I get the living room in better shape, I’ll come back and get you both.”
Esther collected herself as best as she could and headed back to the living room. There was no sign of the other children, but the dog was still on the chair. “Okay, Rover—outside you go.”
Esther took the dog gently by its collar and led him out the front door. When she went to grab the mop and the bucket, the girls showed up. She frowned. “Who brought the dog into the house?”
The girls pointed at each other.
Esther’s frown deepened. “You’re gonna help me with some cleaning. We’ll grab a couple of the old bath towels in the linen closet, and as I mop, you two can dry the wet floor.
They both nodded.
Esther dunked the mop into the soapy water and wrung it out. Then she started cleaning the dog’s muddy prints. As she and the girls worked together, the floor began looking better. She paused and cleared her throat. “I’m going to take a break and go check on your siblings.”
She left them alone, went to her room, and found the infants asleep. Esther carried them to the living room and placed them in the wooden cradles their father had made.
She looked at her girls still wiping the floor. “When you’re done, I want you both to go to your room and think about what you did.”
“Okay, Mammi.” Their chins quivered. They finished their task and tearfully fled the room.
Esther looked at the soiled chair. Some of the mud was beginning to dry. It would take some effort to get it cleaned.
She went into the kitchen and pulled out several supplies, then headed back to the living room. Using a small whisk broom, Esther brushed as much of the caked-on mud as she could into a dustpan. After that, she scrubbed with a towel, using soap and water. Most of it came off, which was good, but no one would be sitting there the rest of the day unless they wanted a wet seat. Esther scrubbed a bit more, until she couldn’t get any more dirt out of the material. Now it just had to sit and air dry.
She stepped over to look at the babies; they were both wide awake, but at least they weren’t crying.
Esther went back to the kitchen, put away all the cleaning supplies, and washed her hands. Then she returned to the living room and picked up Jerod. She took a seat in the rocker and got it moving. Finally, a moment of peace. Thank You, Lord.
A few minutes later, Esther noticed John squirming and starting to make noise, so she put Jerod down. She checked baby John’s diaper, but it was fine. “You just want to be loved too.”
Esther picked John up and went back to the rocker. It was still dark and rainy outside. She looked over at Abe’s chair and shook her head. “I’d like to be better at running this household, but I just don’t see how.”
As she rocked the baby, Esther looked at the clock. What a day. Abe will be home shortly, and I haven’t even thought about what to fix for supper. She closed her eyes and tried to calm her nerves. It wasn’t easy when she felt depressed and defeated. It seemed as though nothing was right in her life anymore. The joy she’d once felt was completely gone.
Esther had just put water on the stove to heat for a cup of tea when Thomas and Mark came in through the back door. Emma limped in behind them, sobbing and rubbing her knee. Esther rushed forward. “What happened?”
“I–I tripped on a rock and fell down.” Tears trickled down Emma’s reddened cheeks.
“Oh, quit your bawlin’, Emma,” Mark said. “I’ve fallen harder than you did just now, so it can’t hurt that bad.”
“Jah, Sister, you’re actin’ like a big boppli,” Thomas put in. “And ya ain’t got nothin’ to cry about.”
Leaning against one of the lower cupboard doors, Emma cried even harder.
Esther shook her finger at the boys. “Shame on you for making your sister feel worse. Now say you’re sorry and get on up to your room and change your clothes while I tend to Emma’s wounds.”
Mark stepped forward and touched his sister’s arm. “Sorry, Emma.”
Thomas remained where he stood. “I’m sorry too.”
Emma dropped her gaze to the floor and whimpered. “I bet neither one of you is sorry. You only said that ’cause Mama told you to.”
Mark looked at Esther and shrugged his shoulders. Thomas, in his usual copycat fashion, did the same.
Esther pointed to the kitchen door. “Go on upstairs now.”
Without a word of protest, the boys turned and hurried from the room.
“Okay now, Emma, please take a seat at the table.” Esther pulled out a chair. “I’ll clean up your knee and then put medicine and a bandage on it.”
Emma did as she was told. As Esther started down the hall, she heard the babies crying.
Esther’s jaw clenched. They’ll have to wait until I take care of Emma’s knee. There’s only one of me.
That evening, when Abe came in the door, he took one look at Esther and knew something was wrong. She sat at the kitchen table with her forehead resting on the wooden surface. For a minute he thought she might be asleep, but then she lifted her head and looked at him with a dazed expression.
“Was is letz do?” He touched her shoulder.
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong here—just about everything, and we can start with that.” Esther’s tight voice pierced the air as she pointed toward the living room.
Abe stepped into the living room and came right back in. “Did something happen in there? The boys are asleep in their cradles, and I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.”
“You would have if you’d sat in your chair.”
His forehead creased. “What do you mean?”
“Barbara and Becky let the dog in, and he made a muddy mess on your chair. They did it while I was sleeping. I cleaned it the best I could, but now, of course, it’s all wet.” Esther sighed. “Jerod and John have been fussy today, and after I got them and the girls to sleep I went to my room to lie down for a while.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t get enough sleep, because you look mied.”
“I am tired and also discouraged.”
“What are you discouraged about?” he asked, taking a seat beside her.
She lifted her hands. “Everything. Emma fell on the way home from school, and Thomas and Mark said she was acting like a baby because she cried when she hurt her knee.”
Abe frowned. “I hope you didn’t let them get away with it.”
“No, I made them apologize to their sister, and then after they changed their clothes, I sent them out to the barn to do some extra chores.”
“It sounds like you handled things well.” Abe smiled. “You’re a gscheit woman.”
“Not wise enough it seems. If I were smart, I would have dead-bolted the front door, and they couldn’t have let the dog in.”
“Well, you can’t think of everything or be everywhere all of the time.”
Esther made little circles on her forehead with her fingertips. “Beginning tomorrow, things are going to get even crazier around here.”
“How come?”
“Emma, Thomas, and Mark are out of school for the summer, remember?”
“Oh, that’s right. But that’s a good thing, because you’ll have the older kids’ help.”
“I’m not sure how much help they’re going to be.” She released another heavy sigh. “It’ll just mean more work for me.”
“You know what I think, Esther?” She shook her head.
“You need to quit working so hard and find some fun things to do. A little joy in your life, jah, that’s what you need.”
Esther sat, continuing to slowly shake her head. “It’s hard to think about doing anything fun when there’s so much work to be done.” She rose from her chair. “Speaking of which … I need to start supper.”
Inhaling deeply through his nose, Abe pushed up his sleeves. If Esther won’t listen to me, then I’ll get someone else to talk to her.
The next day, after Abe left to run some errands in town, Esther stood at the kitchen window watching raindrops pound the ground. The dismal weather matched her sullen mood.
“Mama, there’s nothin’ for me to do.” Thomas came up behind Esther and tugged on her apron.
Esther turned to look at him. “Did you and Mark finish cleaning your room like I asked you to do after breakfast?”
He bobbed his head. “Been done a while already. We wanna go outside and play, but the rain won’t stop.” His brows puckered. “How come God makes it rain anyways?”
“God sends the rain so the trees, plants, and flowers will grow. I thought you knew that already.”
He scuffed his bare toe against the wooden floor. “Jah, guess I did, but it shouldn’t be raining the first day we have off of school.”
It looks like I’m not the only one feeling depressed today, Esther thought. I wish I could say something to cheer my boy up, but this wet weather we’re having is pulling me down too.
“If you and Mark have finished cleaning your room, then what is he up to?” she asked.
Thomas shrugged. “He’s lying on the bed, reading a buch.”
“Maybe you ought to find a book to read too.”
Thomas shook his head. “Naw, I do enough book reading in school. Guess I’ll go out to the barn and see what the katze are up to.”
“Good idea, and while you’re there, make sure the cats have food and water.”
“Okay, Mama.” Thomas grabbed his jacket and raced out the back door.
Esther heard Jerod and John crying in the next room. She was about to head for the living room when Barbara and Becky ran into the kitchen.
“The bopplin are cryin’,” Barbara announced.
“The bopplin are cryin’,” her twin sister repeated.
“Jah, I hear them. I’ll go take care of them right now.” Esther did a quick glance around the kitchen to make sure there was nothing for the girls to get into while she was gone. At least the marking pens had been put away and were no longer within easy reach.
Why do I feel so depressed all the time? Esther asked herself as she headed for the living room. I feel like crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head. If only there was something to smile or laugh about.
Abe pulled his rig into Bishop Henry’s yard, got out, and secured his horse to the hitching rail. He paused beside the buggy and rubbed his forehead. If Esther knew I was here, she’d be upset. Sure hope this is the right thing to do.
“What’s the matter, Abe? You got a koppweh?”
Abe jumped at the sound of Henry’s voice.
“Uh, no headache. I was just thinking, is all. Didn’t see anyone when I pulled in, so you kinda took me by surprise.”
“Sorry about that. I was in the barn, and when I heard the horse and buggy pull in, I came out to see who it was.” Henry shook Abe’s hand. “What can I do for you today, friend?”
Abe reached under his straw hat and scratched his head. “Actually, I was hoping I could talk to your fraa. Is she home?”
“Jah, Ruth is in the house, doing some baking this morning.” Henry put his hand on Abe’s shoulder. “I’ll walk in with you. Maybe she’ll offer us some kaffi and kichlin.”
“Cookies and coffee would be nice, but I wasn’t planning to stay very long. Just need to talk to Ruth about something.”
“Oh, okay. Come on then and follow me up to the house.”
When Abe entered the kitchen with Henry, he saw the bishop’s wife taking a tray of cookies from the oven.
“Look who’s here, Ruth,” Henry announced. “It’s the buggy maker, and he came to talk to you.”
She set the cookie sheet on an oversized potholder and turned to face Abe. “I hope you know we’re not in need of a new buggy, and our old one doesn’t need any repairs either.”
Abe shook his head. “I’m not here about a buggy. Came to talk to you about my fraa.”
Ruth pinched the skin at her throat. “Is Esther all right? She’s not sick or hurt, I hope.”
“Not physically. She’s verleed.”
“What is she depressed about?” Henry asked.
Abe shrugged. “I’m not sure, but she’s been this way since our twin boys were born, and it’s continued to get worse.”
Ruth gestured for them to take a seat. “It could be postpartum depression, but since the birth of the twins was three months ago, it might be something else.”
“Would you be willing to talk to Esther—find out what she’s depressed about?”
“Of course. I might have some suggestions to help Esther deal with her depression and find some joy in life again.”
Abe sagged against his chair. “Danki, Ruth. If anyone can help her, it’ll be you.”
Esther had put Jerod, John, Barbara, and Becky down for their naps and was about to go see what her other three children were doing, when she heard a horse and buggy pull into the yard. Thinking it must be Abe returning from his errands, Esther didn’t bother to look out. Besides, she didn’t want to be reminded that it was still raining.
Esther started up the stairs to see what Emma, Thomas, and Mark were up to. The boys had spent much of the morning in the barn. But after lunch they’d gone to their room. After Emma swept the kitchen floor and helped Esther do the dishes, she’d gone to her room as well.
Esther opened Emma’s door first and found her lying on the bed with a book. She closed the door and headed down the hall to the boys’ room. Esther was about to open their door when she heard a knock on the front door.
That can’t be Abe. I’d better hurry downstairs. I don’t want the knocking to wake the bopplin.
Esther made her way to the front door. When she opened it, she was surprised to see their bishop’s wife on the porch.
Ruth offered her a rosy-cheeked smile. “Hello, Esther. If you’re not too busy, is it all right if I come in?”
“Yes, of course.” Esther didn’t feel like visiting with anyone today, but she didn’t want to be rude. “The little ones are sleeping in their rooms down the hall, so let’s go to the kich.”
Ruth left her umbrella on the porch and followed Esther into the kitchen.
“Please, take a seat.”
Ruth pulled out a chair at the end of the table.
“Would you like a cup of tea?” Esther asked. “I have hot water in the teakettle on the stove.”
“Danki, that would be nice.”
Esther fixed them both tea, handing one cup to Ruth, and took a seat across from her. “I’m surprised to see you out on this rainy day. It’s never fun to drive around in nasty weather in our open buggies.”
“Oh, a little rain doesn’t bother me. I stay fairly dry under my big umbrella.” Ruth blew on her tea and took a sip.
“The rain bothers me. I don’t even like to look at it,” Esther admitted.
Ruth set her cup on the table and cleared her throat. “I came by to see how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine and so are the kinner. None of us got the flu bug that was going around a few weeks ago.”
“I’m glad you’re fine physically, but how about spiritually or emotionally?”
Esther bristled. She didn’t want to talk about her emotional or spiritual life. Both were on rocky ground and she couldn’t seem to control her melancholy feelings or negative attitude. Esther kept telling herself she would feel better, but every day when she woke up she felt the same.
“Did you hear my question?” Ruth asked.
“Jah, and I’m fine.” Esther dropped her gaze, unable to look at the bishop’s wife directly.
“Your husband believes you are suffering from depression. He asked me to speak with you and offer some encouragement.”
Esther’s fingers curled around the handle of her cup until her knuckles whitened. “Abe had no right to say anything to you about the way I’ve been feeling.” Her pulse quickened. “I wonder how many other people he’s told.”
“I don’t know if he’s spoken to anyone else, but when he mentioned your depression, I felt concern. He said it’s been going on since your twin boys were born.”
Tears welled in Esther’s eyes. She couldn’t deny it.
“Have you told the doctor about it? Could your depression be a hormonal thing?”
“I had a checkup a few weeks ago, and the doctor said I was fine.” Esther dabbed at her eyes. “I’m so tired, and I’ve lost the pleasure in all the things I used to enjoy doing. Not that there would be time to do any of those things, even if I wanted to.”
“You need to make time for fun as well as for relaxing.”
“That’s hard to do when you have seven kinner demanding your attention.”
“I understand. Henry and I raised ten children, and although it was a challenge some days, I always made a little time for myself each day.” Ruth leaned slightly forward. “Would you like me to give you some practical suggestions?”
“I guess so.” Truthfully, Esther didn’t think anything Ruth had to say would make a difference in the way she felt.
Ruth got up and sat in the chair closest to Esther. “Well, first of all, you’ll need to make an effort to change your thoughts whenever you’re feeling down in the dumps. You should focus on things like the beauty of nature and the humorous things your children do.” Ruth placed her hand on Esther’s arm. “You might try going outside and breathing in some fresh air. Of course, you also ought to take care of yourself by eating regular meals, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep. You may also want to write down some of the things you are grateful for, or a list of things that went well during the day. Gratitude helps a person direct their attention away from negative thoughts and onto positive feelings.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to do any of those things when the kinner are fussy.”
“I understand. And here’s an idea for whenever you feel overwhelmed.”
“These days, that’s most of the time.”
“This has always worked for me whenever I’ve felt overwhelmed or depressed.” Ruth pointed one finger in the air. “Even if the kinner are demanding your attention, go to your room and lie down a few minutes. Keep your arms by your sides, resting them as loosely as you can.” She gave Esther’s arm a few pats. “But the most important thing you can do to bring joy back into your life is to think about and quote some Bible verses out loud. I like quoting Isaiah 61:10—‘I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation.’ Of course, there are many other helpful verses, like Psalm 51:12 and Nehemiah 8:10.”
“I suppose I could try to do some of those things.” Esther gave a weak smile. She couldn’t believe how much wisdom Ruth had. But then, she was the bishop’s wife and often spoke to women in their community who were facing some kind of a problem. “Danki for caring enough to come here and talk to me,” Esther said.
“You’re welcome. Oh, and if you need a break from the kinner, please don’t hesitate to ask. In addition to myself, there are other women in our community who would gladly come to help out with the children so you could have a few hours to do whatever you wanted.”
Esther wasn’t sure if any of the things Ruth had suggested would remove the cloud of depression that hung over her, but she was willing to at least give some of the ideas a try.
For the next several days, Esther tried to put some of Ruth’s suggestions into practice, but it seemed like an impossible task. Between household chores, yard work, and child care, there was no time for rest. She hadn’t taken the time to write out the things she was grateful for, as the bishop’s wife had told her to do. Esther wanted to think positive, joyful thoughts, but negative things kept happening, pulling her further into depression. She had let her physical appearance go and hadn’t been eating well. Esther didn’t get enough sleep and couldn’t find joy in the things she used to. It was difficult to talk about her feelings with others, but she felt thankful she’d been able to open up when Ruth came over.
If only something good would happen, I might find something to laugh or smile about, Esther told herself as she scrubbed the kitchen floor where Barbara had spilled a jar of maple syrup that morning. The children—even the babies—had a knack for making at least one mess during the day.
“There I go again, thinking negative thoughts.” Esther tapped the side of her head. “How can I break this negative habit?”
“What’s a habit, Mama?” Emma asked, skipping into the kitchen.
“It’s when a person does something over and over.”
“Oh, you mean like when the bopplin cry all the time?”
A smile came to Esther’s lips, as though of its own accord. “Not quite, Emma. Your little brothers cry when they’re hungry, need their windele changed, or just want to be held. Someday when they’re older, they won’t cry so much.”
Emma moved closer to Esther, looking up at her with big brown eyes. “But you cry, Mama. I hear you sometimes.”
“That’s true. Everyone cries when they’re sad or hurt, but it’s not the same thing as a habit.” Esther placed her hand on the top of her daughter’s head. “Did you come into the kitchen because you wanted to ask me a question, or do you need something?”
Emma shook her head. “Came to tell you about the red voggel at the fenschder.”
“What bird? What window?”
“The one in there.” Emma pointed toward the door leading to the living room, and then she tugged on Esther’s dress. “Come see, Mama. It’s so schee.”
“All right then, please show me the pretty red bird.”
When they entered the living room, Thomas, Mark, and even Barbara and Becky were gathered around the big window.
“Look, Mama … just like I said, there’s the schee voggel.” Emma’s eyes sparkled as she pointed at the pretty bird eating from the feeder Abe had built and secured to the windowsill.
The other children were also pointing, as well as giggling and talking about the bird’s pretty red color.
“It’s a cardinal,” Esther said. “Isn’t it a remarkable bird?”
“What’s markable mean?” Thomas questioned.
“The correct word is remarkable, and it means ‘amazing,’” Esther explained. “All birds are nice, but this bird’s color is amazing.”
“’Mazing,” Barbara and Becky said.
Everyone laughed, including Esther. Ruth had been right—focusing on things found in nature, such as the pretty bird eating from their feeder, had given her something to feel joyous about.
As the day progressed, Esther decided she would look for things to smile about—the babies’ cute antics, her three girls’ excitement as they pranced around the yard chasing butterflies. She even found pleasure in watching Mark and Thomas play fetch with their dog. These were all things Esther had barely taken notice of these past few months. She was eager to see Abe when he got home from work today and share with him all that she’d learned about being joyous.
While supper cooked in the oven, Esther took a seat at the kitchen table and made a list of all the things that had made her smile. After she’d written it all down, she opened her Bible and looked for the word joy in the concordance. Several passages of scripture were listed under the heading. She looked up several and wrote them down, including the one Ruth had mentioned from the book of Isaiah.
After Esther closed the Bible, she bowed her head and prayed. Heavenly Father, help me to be more observant of the things You have created for my enjoyment—including my special children. Even when I’m having a rough day or things don’t go the way I’d planned, help me to have a joyful heart. Instead of fretting over every little thing, I want to enjoy the time I have to raise my children. And please help me to spread Your joy to everyone around me. Amen.
I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God.
ISAIAH 61:10