Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Susanna Riehl leaned on her husband for support as she watched her parents’ coffins being lowered into the ground. It didn’t seem possible that their lives had been snuffed out in a buggy accident four days ago. Poor Mom and Dad—they never even had a chance. Susanna could not help feeling the suffering from all of this. Would the void inside her ever be filled with joy again? She struggled just standing here watching the actions that represented the finality of her parents’ lives on this earth.
She lifted her gaze to the darkening sky. Why would You take them, Lord? Don’t You care how much my mamm and daed meant to me?
Leon pressed his shoulder against hers. No doubt he too felt a great loss. Susanna’s parents had lived in the daadihaus next to their home for the past five years, and Leon had become very close to her dad.
Susanna closed her eyes, remembering how Leon and Dad used to sit on the porch together, discussing the weather, talking about the crops growing in the fields across the road, and sharing stories from their past. They’d also gone fishing together a good many times and always enjoyed a friendly game of horseshoes or checkers.
Susanna and her mother had spent many hours together too—gardening, baking, quilting, and visiting over a warm cup of herbal tea. Mom’s favorite kind was spearmint, made from the spearmint leaves she grew in the small garden behind the grandparents’ house. These would all be nothing but memories for Susanna now, and somehow she would have to work through her loss.
Her attention returned to the pallbearers as they continued to cover the caskets with the shrinking pile of dirt. The sound of the shoveling seemed hard to endure, and she wiped at escaped tears repeatedly. Her swollen eyes closed for a moment while she released Leon’s arm.
Susanna placed both hands on her bulging stomach. The baby she carried in her womb would be born in two months, and Susanna’s heart broke as she realized the child would never have the opportunity to know his or her maternal grandparents.
She pictured her parents’ faces and remembered them holding Jerry as an infant. If only they were still here.
Susanna heard a child talking and opened her eyes. She tried not to stare at Frieda while she whispered to her son as he stood between her and his grandparents. It was tough seeing her good friend have the support of her parents that Susanna used to have and now craved so much.
Susanna glanced at her and Leon’s three children: Ervin, age seven; Lydia, who was five; and Jerry, who’d recently turned three. They would all miss their grandparents and had been cheated out of the years ahead when they should have had more time to spend with them.
As the last shovelful of dirt was placed on the coffins, the mourners repeated the Lord’s Prayer silently, and the graveside service concluded.
Susanna remained in place as she looked at the solemn faces of her four grieving brothers. Although they too would miss Mom and Dad, they lived in a different county in the state of Kentucky and didn’t get to see their parents on a regular basis—not like Susanna and Leon, who had seen her folks every day.
Leon took Lydia’s and Jerry’s hands, while Ervin looked up with a quivering chin. “I miss Grossdaadi and Grossmammi.”
Leon knelt down and released the hands of the two youngest. “I know, Son. Come here.”
Ervin stepped over and leaned into his father’s embrace. Leon looked up at Susanna with sadness as Lydia and Jerry joined in the hug.
A sense of bitterness rose in Susanna’s chest as she reflected on the senseless act that had killed her parents. If the driver of the pickup truck had been paying attention to the road instead of talking on his phone, Mom and Dad would still be alive.
“Why are you sitting here in the dark?” Leon asked when he entered the living room, where Susanna sat on the couch. Before she had a chance to respond, he lit the lamp overhead.
She released a heavy sigh. “I’ve just been sitting here thinking about my mamm and daed, and wondering if I’m ever going to get over the hurt of losing them.”
Leon took a seat beside her. “It will be an adjustment—there’s no doubt about it.” He took hold of Susanna’s hand. “But we’ll get through this together.”
Susanna appreciated her husband’s support, but his words did nothing to alleviate the emptiness she felt. She wondered if it would ever get any better.
Sometimes during the day the children’s needs diverted her thoughts for brief moments. Like this morning when Jerry had a missing sock that he couldn’t find. Susanna had looked around the house until she’d found it on a kitchen chair. And yesterday Lydia spilled chocolate milk on her favorite stuffed toy and wanted it cleaned. Susanna sprayed stain remover on the area and worked on it until it came clean. Lydia had smiled and hugged her for fixing it. But those moments didn’t last long, and the empty feeling always resurfaced.
Susanna’s thoughts went back to her parents’ vacant place.
“What about the daadihaus?” Susanna wiped the tears that escaped through her lashes. “Do we leave it sitting empty, or should we rent it out to someone?”
“Those are questions that don’t need answers right now. We should take our time in making a decision about what to do with your parents’ home.”
Susanna slowly moved her head up and down. “I suppose you’re right. Tomorrow morning, though, I’m going next door to do some cleaning. Mom never liked a dirty or cluttered house.”
“Do as you wish, but I don’t want you working too hard.” Leon placed his hand on Susanna’s stomach. “You need to take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. We don’t want this boppli to come early, like Lydia did.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t overdo. And when Jerry goes down for a nap tomorrow, I’ll see if Lydia will take one.” Susanna placed her hand over Leon’s. “While the little ones are napping, I’ll rest too.”
“What about Ervin? What’s he going to do while the three of you are resting? I’m sure you won’t talk him into taking a nap.”
“No, he’s too big for naps. Or at least he thinks he is.” Susanna pointed at one of her son’s books, lying on the coffee table. “I’m sure Ervin will be more than willing to lie on the hammock outside and read.”
“Glad to hear it.” Leon rose from the couch. “The kinner have all been asleep for a couple of hours now. Don’t you think it’s time we also go to bed?”
“You go ahead, Leon. I have a few things I need to do in the kitchen, and then I’ll be in.”
“Okay.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “If I’m already in bed and snoring away, just give me a nudge.”
Susanna smiled in spite of her melancholy mood. When her husband got to snoring, it took a lot more than one little nudge to make him stop.
After Leon left the room, she turned off the gas lamp and made her way to the kitchen with the aid of a flashlight. The lamp above the table was still lit, so she sat there to make out her grocery list. Even though a lot of food had been brought in from women in their Amish community, they were running low on a few items. She would ask Leon to stop at the grocery store on his way home from work tomorrow afternoon. That way, Susanna wouldn’t have to go anywhere, leaving her free to concentrate on cleaning Mom and Dad’s house, as well as taking care of her children’s needs.
Tears stung Susanna’s eyes, nearly blinding her vision. She wasn’t sure she could even enter the daadihaus. So many memories awaited her there. Susanna almost choked on the sob rising in her throat. If only Mom and Dad hadn’t gone to town the day of their accident, they’d be in their cozy little house right now.
The following morning, while the children colored pictures in the kitchen, Susanna sat in the living room, holding a Bible in her lap. She’d read a few verses and was meditating on them when she heard a buggy pull in.
A short time later a knock sounded at the door. Susanna was surprised to see her friend Frieda on the porch.
“I brought you two loaves of banana bread and a dozen chocolate cupcakes.” Frieda handed the plastic containers to her.
Susanna already had a pantry full of goodies that other people had brought over, but she smiled and said, “Danki, Frieda.”
“I have a few hours before I need to be home,” Frieda said. “Is there anything you need help with?”
“Actually, there is. Would you be willing to stay here with the kinner long enough for me to go over to the daadihaus and do some cleaning?”
“I wouldn’t mind doing that, but is it really necessary for you to clean your parents’ house today?” Frieda placed her hand on Susanna’s arm. “You look mied, and you’ve been through a lot these last few days. Don’t you think you ought to rest up?”
“I have to admit I am tired, but cleaning the daadihaus is something I feel compelled to do.”
“All right then, I’ll stay and watch the children, but please don’t overdo.”
“I won’t. I promised Leon last night that I’d take it easy.” Susanna gave her belly a pat. “He’s worried the boppli might come too early.”
“Your husband has a right to be concerned. I’ve known you since we were teenagers, and you’ve always been a worker. But you do tend to push yourself too hard at times.” Frieda rested both hands on her hips. “It might be better if you stay here and rest and let me do the cleaning.”
Susanna shook her head briskly. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s my place to do it.”
“Okay, but if you’re not back in two hours, I’ll come and get you.” Her friend gave a small laugh. “I don’t mean to sound bossy, but I can’t help but worry.”
“I’ll be fine.” Susanna poked her head into the living room, where the children were playing. “I’m going over to the daadihaus, but Frieda is here and she’ll be staying with you till I get back.”
“Okay, Mama.” Ervin looked up from the book he was reading. Jerry and Lydia said nothing, so engrossed were they with their toys.
Susanna returned to the kitchen and stepped up to Frieda. “If the kinner don’t cooperate with you, tell them they won’t get to eat any of those delicious-looking cupcakes you brought over.”
Frieda shook her head. “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
Susanna slipped on her everyday work apron and went out the back door.
The minute Susanna entered the daadihaus, a cold chill swept over her body. Dad’s favorite over-stuffed chair sat empty, as did her mother’s rocking chair.
Susanna’s throat felt so swollen she could barely swallow as she lowered herself into Mom’s chair and pushed her feet against the floor to get the rocker moving. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Oh Mama, I miss you so much. I doubt that the ache in my heart will ever go away.
Susanna continued to rock, visualizing her parents here in this cozy room, drinking coffee and talking about their day. Are they doing something similar in heaven today? she wondered.
Susanna hadn’t thought much about heaven until someone she knew passed away. While some people believed their good works would get them to heaven, her church district taught that only those who accepted Christ as their Savior would go to heaven when they died. Susanna’s parents had professed to be Christians, putting their whole faith and trust in God’s Son and acknowledging Him as their Lord and Savior. She had every confidence that Mom and Dad were in heaven right now. Susanna just wished her parents could be here instead, so she could tell them how much she loved them. Her heart longed for them to be alive and to be here for many more years to come. She had never dreamed her parents’ lives would end so early.
All alone in their living room, Susanna clutched her work apron and cried. I feel so burdened with sorrow, Lord. Life is too short. Please give me joy again. Her eyes remained closed as she wiped at the tears. The realization that Mom and Dad would never be coming back was a heavy burden for Susanna’s broken heart to bear.
The grandfather clock chimed, and Susanna opened her eyes. She’d come here to do some cleaning, and if she didn’t get busy, it would soon be time to head back to her house. She couldn’t expect her friend to stay and watch the children all day. Frieda had her own things to care for at home.
Susanna stopped rocking and stood. She would start with the kitchen.
Sunday morning, Susanna woke up to the sound of noisy children running down the hall. No doubt they were eager for breakfast.
Groaning, she pulled herself out of bed. Fixing the morning meal seemed like drudgery today, but the thought of going to church was even worse. Susanna would have to either put on a fake smile or deal with people asking how she was doing and offering sympathies for her loss. It might seem odd, but too much sympathy made her feel worse. Even talking about her parents’ death was painful.
I wish it wasn’t Sunday. I’d like to skip the service and just stay home today. Susanna rubbed the sleep from her eyes. But I need to set a positive example as a Christian to my family and friends, like my folks did for so many years.
After slipping into her robe and slippers, Susanna made her way to the kitchen. When she stepped inside, she was greeted by four eager faces.
“Can we have pannekuche for breakfast?” Ervin asked. “Sorry, Son, but I don’t have time to make pancakes this morning. You can have your choice of cold cereal, and there’s some banana bread left.”
Ervin heaved a sigh. “Okay.”
“Okay,” the other children repeated.
Susanna glanced out the kitchen window and saw Leon heading for the house. His horse, Barney, was already hitched to the buggy and waiting at the hitching rail.
Susanna opened a cupboard door and took out two boxes of cereal. She placed them on the table, along with a bottle of milk. She’d begun to put slices of banana bread on a plate when Leon came into the house.
“How’s everyone doing this morning?” He went around the table and patted each of the children’s heads.
“Good, Daadi.” Lydia looked up at him and grinned. “Good, Daadi,” Jerry and Ervin repeated.
Leon looked over at Susanna. “You look mied. Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine.” Susanna turned away to get the bowls and silverware. No way would she mention in the children’s presence anything about the dream she’d had last night that had left her feeling drained. In the dream she’d gone next door to the daadihaus and found it completely empty. Nothing remained to remind Susanna that her parents had ever lived close by, not even a teaspoon.
“I’ll go wash up, and then we should eat and get changed into our church clothes,” Leon said.
Church was the last place Susanna wanted to be today, but she would force herself to go.
By the time church was halfway over, Susanna’s back had begun to hurt. Since Lydia had whispered that she needed to use the restroom, Susanna took the child’s hand and slipped quietly out of Deacon Beiler’s barn.
When they entered the house, she was relieved to see that no one was lined up outside the bathroom door. While Lydia stepped inside, Susanna went to the kitchen for a drink of water.
After taking a paper cup from the stack on the counter, she turned on the faucet and filled it with cold water. Susanna was glad most of the Amish homes in their area had indoor plumbing. A trip to the outhouse would not be fun—especially during the cold winter months.
She’d finished her drink and was about to check on Lydia when Frieda entered the kitchen. “How are you doing this morning?” her friend asked.
“A little sore from sitting on the hard bench.” Susanna reached around and rubbed the small of her back. “Guess I should have brought a cushion to sit on this morning.”
“I’m sure there are a few throw pillows on the sofa in the living room. I don’t think Sally would mind if you borrowed one to sit on during the remainder of church.”
“I’ll be okay.”
Frieda reached out and touched Susanna’s arm. “Did you look in the mirror this morning?”
“Of course. I had to make sure my hair was put up okay and that my head covering was on straight.”
Frieda pursed her lips. “There are dark circles under your eyes. I suspect you’re not sleeping well. Is the boppli kicking, or is your grief keeping you awake at night?”
“I’m still grieving.” Susanna shook her head. “Don’t see how I’m supposed to move on with my life as if nothing’s changed.”
“Nobody expects you to pretend you didn’t lose your parents. But you shouldn’t dwell on it, Susanna. Your family needs you—more than ever right now—and you ought to look for some things to feel joyful about.”
Susanna crossed her arms over her chest. Frieda has no right to be saying such things to me. She hasn’t lost a parent, so she doesn’t understand.
Susanna felt relief when Lydia came out of the bathroom. “I’m ready to go back to church now.” The child looked up at Susanna and smiled.
“Jah, we need to return.” Susanna clasped her daughter’s hand and headed out the door.
When they entered the barn, scripture reading was over and Bishop Zook had begun preaching. Susanna took a seat, and the minute she sat down, she regretted not having brought out a pillow. Well, she wasn’t going back in for one, so she’d just have to endure.
The bishop’s sermon was taken from Psalm 126. When he read the fifth verse, about sowing in tears and reaping in joy, Susanna thought about her mother and how she’d enjoyed tending her garden. But because Susanna’s parents had died before planting season, this year there would be no garden behind the daadihaus.
Maybe I should plant their garden, she told herself. I bet if Mom was here, she would like that. Who knows—maybe she’ll look down from heaven and see her nice garden.
The following evening, after Leon got home from work, Susanna asked if he would till the small patch of ground where her mother had previously planted her vegetable garden. Leon graciously agreed and got to work on it right away.
Susanna spread a blanket on the grass so she and the children could sit and watch the proceedings. After only a few minutes, Jerry and Lydia jumped up and ran off to play in a different area of the yard.
“How come Daed’s diggin’ up the dirt by Grandpa and Grandma’s house?” Ervin asked, scooching closer to Susanna.
“He’s preparing it for the garden to be planted,” she responded.
The boy’s brows furrowed. “If Grandma and Grandpa are up in heaven, how they gonna plant a gaarde?”
“They won’t be planting this garden, Son. I’ll be planting the seeds and taking care of it in honor of them.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it would be my small way of showing respect for my parents.” Her tone softened. “I’ve loved and admired them for setting a good Christian example for all of us.”
Ervin nodded and rested his hands upon the blanket. “Can I help?”
“Of course.” Susanna glanced across the yard where her two younger children were playing. “Lydia and Jerry can also help, if they want to.”
Ervin tipped his head to one side. “How are they gonna help? They’re too little to plant a gaarde.”
“Once the rows are ready for planting, I’ll let them drop in some of the seeds.” She patted his shoulder. “You can help me with most of the work though.”
Her son’s eyes brightened. “When can we start?”
“If your daed finishes all the tilling today and gets the dirt raked smoothly, we should be able to make our rows and start planting tomorrow morning.”
“Okay, this is gonna be fun! I’d better go tell Jerry and Lydia about the plans we’ve made.” Grinning widely, he skipped off in the direction of his siblings.
Susanna was pleased with his eagerness to help. As Ervin grew older, he might not always think planting a garden was fun.
The next morning, after Leon left for work, Susanna hurried to do the dishes and get her laundry hung outside. Once that was done, she called for the children to come join her behind the daadihaus.
“This morning I am going to plant seeds in Grandma and Grandpa’s garden,” she explained. “Ervin has said he would like to help. How about you, Lydia? Do you want to plant seeds that will grow into Grandpa and Grandma’s favorite vegetables?”
Lydia bobbed her head. “Can Jerry help too?”
“Certainly.” Susanna held up a plastic bag filled with several packets of seeds. She opened the sack and held it in front of Jerry. “Reach inside and pull out a packet of seeds. It will be the one you can help me plant.”
Jerry reached in and pulled out a package of seeds. Pointing to the picture of corn on the front, he grinned up at Susanna and said, “Welschkann.”
She nodded. “Jah. They are corn seeds.”
Jerry held on to his packet while Lydia chose one from the bag. “Baahn!”
“Right. The seeds in the package you chose are beans.”
Next, Ervin reached into the plastic sack. He squinted at the packet and wrinkled his nose. “Reddiche. They make me garbse.”
“Some radishes can be a bit strong, but these are mild ones, so I don’t think they will make you burp.”
Lydia giggled and pointed at Ervin. “You sound funny when you garbse.”
“Do not.” He pointed a finger back at her. “You smack your lips when you eat.”
“Uh-uh.” Lydia shook her head vigorously.
Susanna held up her hand. “Okay, you two, that’s enough. If you want to help plant Grandma and Grandpa’s garden, then you need to learn to get along.”
“Sorry.” Ervin looked at Lydia.
“Me too,” she responded.
“All right now, I want all of you to watch as I get this garden ready for planting.” Susanna took the hoe and mounded up the dirt to make the first row. Then she took the tip of her hand shovel and pulled it along the dirt to make a small trench. While Susanna looked back at the finished row, she remembered her parents working on this plot of ground. Dad, in his tattered straw hat, was bent over raking out any rocks he could find. Mom, wearing one of her stained frocks and in her black garden clogs she liked to wear, would be right with him, raking too, and they’d be chatting or joking with each other while they worked.
Smiling, Susanna looked over at her children. I don’t want to take things for granted in this life. She stepped up to her son. “We’ll let Jerry go first.” She took the packet of corn seeds from him and tore off the end. Then Susanna poured a few seeds in Jerry’s little hand and put some in her own hand as well. “Watch what I do, Son, and then you do the same with the seeds I gave you.” She dropped corn seeds into the trench she’d made, making sure to space them several inches apart.
“Now it’s your turn, Jerry.” She guided her young son as he dropped his seeds in the places she pointed to. They kept going until the whole row had been planted and covered lightly with the loose garden soil. When they finished, Susanna told Lydia it was time to do the bean seeds.
Susanna helped her daughter through the process, and then it was Ervin’s turn. He’d apparently been watching how his siblings had done it, for he zipped down the row, dropping radish seeds into the dirt like a pro. He even covered them with just the right amount of dirt.
Susanna wished her parents could be here to watch their grandchildren’s enthusiasm about the garden. She was sure they would have been quite pleased.
Unexpected tears began to flow, dribbling down Susanna’s cheeks. Remembering the Bible verse about sowing in tears, Susanna wondered if she would ever reap anything that would bring her joy again.
Susanna reached up high to water the hanging basket of red fuchsias. She’d bought it to put out on the front porch of the daadihaus. Her mother had liked them and seemed content in having the pretty flowers every year. Dad usually was the one who would buy her the fuchsias. They enjoyed sitting on their glider and watching the hummingbirds come feed on the sugar water from the feeders.
More memories came to mind, overwhelming Susanna, until she heard the thudding of feet on the steps behind her. Drying her eyes, she opened her arms to her children.
“Mama, come see. Come see!” Ervin gave Susanna’s apron a tug.
Susanna set her mending aside. “What do you want me to see?”
“The reddiche are growing. Come out to the garden and see for yourself.”
They headed around the back of the daadihaus to the big patch of dirt. It had been twelve days since she and Ervin planted the radish seeds, so it was about the right time for the radish leaves to pop out of the ground. Susanna never expected him to get so excited over a root vegetable he didn’t even like that well. But Ervin’s eagerness propelled her forward.
Ervin got there quicker than Susanna, though, because he ran all the way. “See, Mama. See right there.” He pointed to the green leaves poking out of the ground. “Them is my reddiche, jah?”
“Yes, Son, they surely are. It won’t be long till we can pull them out of the dirt and bring them in the house to wash and eat.”
Ervin knelt down by the row and almost touched one. “How long?”
“About a month, I’d say, depending on how well we feed and water them.”
Ervin wrinkled his nose, but then his expression changed as he leaned close to one of the tiny green-leafed plants. “I get to eat the first reddich we pick, okay?” He spoke in a bubbly tone.
Susanna nodded. “I’m fine with it.”
He clapped his hands, hopped up and down, then turned and started to walk away.
“Where are you going?” she called out to him.
Ervin stopped walking and turned to face her. “To get the hose. I’m gonna water my reddich plants.”
“That’s fine, but don’t give them too much water. Just sprinkle lightly. We don’t want the other seeds in the garden to wash up out of the soil before they have a chance to germinate.”
“I’ll be careful, and I’m gonna water the rest of the garden too, so Lydia and Jerry’s seeds will grow.”
Susanna chuckled. She’d never imagined her son would be so excited about growing radishes. She could hardly wait to see Lydia’s and Jerry’s reactions once their seeds turned into plants.
Susanna felt the baby kick, and she placed her hands on her stomach. A sense of joy flooded her soul as she thought about the new life that would join her family soon. Although she still missed her parents, and always would, Susanna found comfort in knowing God had blessed her and Leon with their special children.
Ervin slid the hose over near the fringe of the garden and ran back to turn on the water. The nozzle squirted with pressure and sent some soil flying. The stream didn’t mess up any of their plantings however.
Susanna remained silent nearby, just to oversee things while her son got busy with his task.
Ervin picked up the hose and began to gently spray over the area, making the soil darken with the needed moisture.
She smiled as she continued to watch. From this moment on, I’m going to focus on the joy my kinner and husband bring to me and look to the future, just as Mom and Dad would want me to do.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
PSALM 126:5