AS WAS MINA’S WAY, she didn’t stay angry for long, and was back to her usual self the day after their argument.
But not really her usual self, in Kiah’s estimation. Despite her denials, he knew something was going on with her, but she wasn’t confiding in him the way she normally would. It hurt him, but he’d learned his lesson and didn’t push. Hopefully, when she was ready, she’d let him in on whatever was bothering her.
“I haven’t had a chance to finish putting the training plans together, with all the consultations I’ve been doing,” she said to him and Miss Pearl that evening. “I hope you don’t mind if I stay on with you a little longer. Maybe just a couple more weeks?”
“Of course we don’t mind,” Miss Pearl replied, before Kiah even had a chance to open his mouth. “Stay as long as you like.”
“Like forever,” Charm said as she came into the room on silent, bare feet.
Miss Pearl narrowed her eyes. “I hope you weren’t eavesdropping on big people’s conversation, Charmaine.”
“No, Granny. I was coming down the hallway and heard you, that’s all.”
But Kiah thought she looked a little sheepish and decided he should talk to her about it later.
More important, he’d noticed shadows growing under Mina’s eyes, and especially with him, she was quieter even than before. Miss Pearl noticed, too, and asked if Kiah knew what was going on, but he had nothing to tell her.
Charm was on half-term holidays, almost wild with excitement about a camping trip she was going on with a group from school the next day. Miss Pearl was going, too, as a chaperone.
“You’re going to camp, Miss Pearl?” Mina asked, obviously surprised.
“No, child,” was the stout reply. “The youngsters will sleep in tents, and a couple of the mothers will, too, but there’s a nice little cottage, with a bed for me to sleep on. I think they only invite me because of my cooking.”
“That’s not true, Granny.” Charm sounded genuinely outraged at the suggestion. “You’re a lot of fun, too.”
Both Kiah and Mina were off for the day, and when Mina suggested they take Charm to the beach, he jumped at the chance. He knew how much Mina loved the ocean, and she’d resisted going since she’d been on St. Eustace.
It gave him further hope that she truly was on the mend, notwithstanding whatever was troubling her.
“Will your arm be okay in the sea, Auntie?” Charm asked with a little frown.
“In the hospital we use salt water to clean wounds,” Mina replied. “And although that’s sterile, not seawater, my arm will be fine. Mind you, I wasn’t planning on swimming anyway.”
With preteen logic and no hint of discretion, Charm asked, “So what’s the use of going to the beach, then?”
“To get some sun?”
That earned her one of Charm’s dry-as-dust looks, and Kiah stayed out of it, squelching both the urge to laugh and to suggest they do something else instead.
Mina had to make up her own mind, at her own pace.
When she came back out, dressed for their excursion, she was once more wearing a long-sleeved shirt, but it was light and gauzy, clearly showing the bikini top beneath.
Miss Pearl was fussing that she hadn’t known they were going to the beach that day.
“I would have fried up some chicken for you to take.”
“Don’t worry, Granny,” Kiah told her, stopping to give her a kiss as he went by. “We’ll grab something on the way.”
“Some foolishness, like fast food. It’s not good for you, you know.”
Probably trying to distract her, Mina asked, “Aren’t you coming with us, Miss Pearl?”
That earned her another dry look for the morning.
“Child, my last swimsuit rotted away to nothing about twenty years ago, and I have no intention of replacing it. Kiah, make sure you take an umbrella, and Charm, did you put on sunscreen?”
“Yes, Granny.”
Miss Pearl gave Mina the same searching look. “Have you?”
“Yes, ma’am,” was the meek reply, and Kiah had to turn away so neither of them saw his grin.
The beach at Rickard’s Cove was packed with both locals and tourists, but they found a spot not too far from the water to put down their beach mats and hoist their umbrella. As Mina settled in under the shade, Charm was already shucking her sundress in preparation for running down to the water.
Kiah sat next to Mina, watching as Charm was diverted from her dip by some school friends calling her name. In an instant, she went from eager child to jaded preteen, joining the little gaggle of girls on the sand. The little cadre chatted and giggled, eyeing some boys who were also huddled together a little way away.
Not too long ago, she’d have been nagging him to come into the water with her, or to play with her in the sand.
He sighed. “She’s growing up so fast.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Mina agreed. “I still have a hard time believing she’s almost a teenager. Time has flown.”
“She’s so smart. I keep hoping she’ll give up on the idea of going into show business and become a doctor.”
Mina laughed softly. “Medicine is a calling, and you know it. Remember some of the people we went to school with, who were studying to be doctors only because their parents wanted them to? They were mostly miserable and lost. You don’t want that for Charm.”
“No.”
But there was a melancholy weight on his heart. Nothing to do with thoughts of Charm’s future, which he was sure would be bright, no matter what she decided to do.
As so often happened, Mina seemed able to read his mind.
“Karlene would be so proud of her and of the job you’re doing, Kiah.”
“I like to think so,” he replied. “But I wish she were here to raise Charm herself.”
Mina’s hand was cool against his shoulder, her fingers squeezing gently.
“I know you do.”
When he laid his cheek against her hand, she sighed and squeezed again.
Mina was quiet for a moment, and Kiah turned to watch Charm and her friends. The boys were setting up to play cricket on the grassy stretch between the sand and the parking lot, and the girls were watching them, all giggles and sassy smiles.
Lord, it was too soon for that particular can of worms to be opened, in Kiah’s opinion. Just the thought made his stomach curdle. When it came to his niece, he definitely wasn’t ready to deal with the boyfriend-girlfriend thing just yet.
Yet, said a little voice in the back of his head, at that age weren’t you secretly pining for the very woman sitting next to you?
That may be true, but he really didn’t want to think about it right now. Not with the sensation of her hand on his shoulder, the gentle sound of her breathing reaching his ear, even over all the ambient noise.
A group of four young women strolled by, and Kiah, still lost in his thoughts, hardly noticed, until Mina sighed and said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be that age again, but with all the knowledge we have now? Before all the failures of life piled up on us, and everything seems so much harder?”
She sounded so pensive he sat up straighter and turned so he could see her face.
“What failures, Mina?”
“Oh, like my marriage, my career, my life.” She smiled slightly and lifted one shoulder in an abbreviated shrug. “Stuff like that.”
His rush of emotion was visceral, almost too much to handle. Tenderness, anger, worry, all tangled up together and froze his vocal cords for a moment. When he could finally find his voice, he asked, “How can you classify your life as a failure?”
She waved her hand, as though trying to brush his words away, but still replied, “I know I’ve done some good, professionally, but in my personal life, I’ve failed. I let my dreams fade away instead of fighting for them, and let Warren dictate what I could and couldn’t have. I fell into the trap of trying to be the perfect doctor and the perfect wife and didn’t really spend the time to think about where I’d end up.”
“What did you want and didn’t get?”
He was almost afraid to hear her answer. Somehow already knew what she’d say.
“I wanted a more balanced life, with time to spend doing things other than working and networking. More time outdoors or traveling. And...”
She looked away, out over the ocean, as though no longer willing to face him.
“And what, sweet girl?”
“I wanted a family.”
Mina spoke so softly he shouldn’t have been able to hear her, but he did anyway, and the words ripped through him. Strange to think it was something they’d never talked about over all the years of exchanging confidences, something she’d never mentioned and he’d never asked.
With hindsight, Kiah realized he’d probably been dreading hearing she was pregnant with Warren’s child, hence his reticence.
Was it horrible to be glad it had never happened, even if only because Mina could make a clean break from the worm without the constant tie of being the mother to his children?
But that wasn’t what she needed to hear right now, and he knew it.
“You can still have a family, Mina. You’re still young.”
It shouldn’t hurt so much to say it, but his chest literally ached as the words left his mouth.
She shook her head, trying to smile although her lips trembled a little. “It feels as though it is too late. I don’t know if I ever want to marry again, and I’m still trying to come to terms with getting along without my hand, and figuring out what the future holds, career-wise. By the time I sort those things out...”
He wished he could tell her it would all work out, that he would make it work out for her, but that would be a lie. Instead, he said, “You’re getting there, I can see the changes already. Take it one day at a time. See where things go. But if you want a family, I know you’ll make it happen. That’s always been your biggest strength—your determination, and the drive to get whatever it is you set your mind to.”
Her lips quirked. “According to Warren, no man in his right mind would want a washed-up surgeon with a disgusting stump and no prospects.”
Kiah couldn’t stop the curse that rolled from his lips, and the anger that overtook him too swiftly to be fully contained. Reining it in took every ounce of his control, and it was still vibrating under his skin when he replied.
“I don’t want to hear anything that jackass had to say, and you need to put it out of your mind, too. You’re the most beautiful human being I know, inside and out. Any man with a lick of sense would grovel at your feet if he thought it would give him a chance with you.”
Even me.
Her lips parted, as though she would reply, but instead, she looked around and said, “I think I want to go for a swim after all. Come with me?”
Surprised by the sudden end to their conversation, and knowing how self-conscious she was about her missing hand, he immediately agreed. And pride, along with another emotion he couldn’t—or wouldn’t—name overwhelmed him, as he watched her unbutton and take off her blouse, and then walk, head up, back straight, down to the water.
“Auntie!” Charm came loping over, a huge grin on her face. “You’re going into the sea?”
“Yep,” Mina answered. “You coming?”
“Last one in is a rotten egg,” Kiah shouted, running past them, too full of joy at Mina taking this huge step not to let some of it out.
And he roared with laughter at their twin cries of “Not fair!”
Once she’d made up her mind to stop hiding her arm, it felt as though a weight had lifted off her chest.
She’d told herself, over and over, that she was fine.
Healed.
Back to the way she’d been before the accident.
But it had been a lie.
Now she knew she’d never be that person again. Accepted that reality. Working again had helped to show her how much she still had to offer. And Kiah’s words, said in a way that brooked no argument, made her really think about how much she’d allowed Warren’s hateful words to affect her self-esteem. With the light of truth and anger in his eyes, Kiah had illuminated the self-serving lies her ex had spewed so as to make what he was doing seem logical.
The confidence Kiah always had in her, his assertion of faith that she’d get her life back on track, meant more to her than he could ever know. He always knew exactly what she needed to bolster her self-confidence, and let her know she could be, and do, whatever she put her mind to.
Revealing herself fully had taken that assurance to another level.
Sure, there were some people who stared, and Charm had no problem telling them her friends had asked about Mina’s lack of a hand, and even wondered how she could still be a doctor.
“I told them that you use your head, and your other hand, to make people well again,” she said, not even realizing the profundity of her comment. “You don’t have to be perfect to do whatever it is you want to, right, Auntie?”
“You got it, kiddo.”
Charm’s surety in her abilities warmed her heart, and seeing the pride on Kiah’s face made it all the sweeter.
And she couldn’t avoid thinking about Kiah’s avowal that there was still time, and a chance, to have the family she wanted. He’d sounded so certain she could make it work, if that was what she decided to do.
She wished she could help him get past his own antipathy toward parenthood. From seeing him with Charm, she knew he was already a wonderful father, and although she knew how much he feared being the type of parent his mother was, she knew he never would be.
It wasn’t that she felt everyone had the same urge or desire to procreate that she did, but she couldn’t help wondering if old fears, rather than logic and true desires, might be the source of his decision.
That night, exhausted from the sun and the soporific effects of the seawater, was the first in many she slept deeply, unaffected by her arm.
But the next day the pains were back, and it took every ounce of concentration she had, to get through the workday without incident.
The missing hand alternatively burned and itched, driving her to distraction.
Part of the problem, she knew, was that her stress levels were through the roof. The physical therapist had warned her that might happen, but she hadn’t paid much attention, especially when the pains hadn’t come back during her depression.
She still hadn’t given Dr. Hamilton an answer, and the timeframe he’d set was running out. And her unerring desire for Kiah had resisted every effort she made to lock it away.
Until she sorted those things out, she’d have to find some other way of handling the pain.
That evening the household was in uproar as Charm whirred around, trying to pack everything, including the kitchen sink, it seemed, to take camping.
“Charmaine, stop.” Miss Pearl’s sternest voice only moderately slowed the little girl down. “Pick one of those toys to take with you and put the rest back in your room.”
By the time Miss Pearl and Charm were being picked up, Mina had a headache to go with the phantom pains, but she kissed them both goodbye, and stood at the gate to wave until the SUV had turned the corner.
“Wow,” Kiah said, slinging his arm over her shoulders and turning her back toward the house. “Let’s not do that again anytime soon.”
Mina chuckled weakly, just wanting to sit down and enjoy some peace and quiet, although she didn’t know how much enjoyment she’d get out of anything tonight.
“Charm’s just excited to go on her first camping trip,” she said, and even she could hear the weariness in her own voice.
Kiah led her over to the sofa and gently pushed at her shoulders, so she sat.
“You want a cup of tea? Something to drink?”
Concern was patent on his face, those dark watchful eyes trying to divine what was happening with her, and, before she could stop them, tears filled her eyes and overflowed onto her cheeks.
Kiah knelt down in front of her to cup her cheeks.
“Sweet girl. Tell me what’s wrong. Please. Let me help you, if I can.”
That made her laugh through her tears, but there was a hysterical edge to her mirth.
Kiah used his thumbs to rub at her cheeks, then got up and sat on the couch beside her. When he reached out and pulled her onto his lap, she didn’t resist, wanting the closeness, even if it wasn’t as close as she wanted to get. Burying her face in his neck, she let his warmth seep into her, fill her.
“What is it, Mina?”
“Phantom pains.” It came out as a low moan. Somehow being here like this with him made the sensation increase. “It burns and itches.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” The anguish in his tone was clear. “What can I do to make it better?”
“Get me my hand back?”
She was trying to joke, to lighten the mood, but his arms tightened around her, and his chest shuddered when he inhaled.
“If I could, I would, sweet girl. You must know that?”
It sounded like he was about to cry, too, and she couldn’t bear it.
“I’ll be okay, Kiah. It’ll pass.”
“I know an acupuncturist, but I doubt she’s still open at this hour. Damn it, Mina, why didn’t you say something earlier?”
Even though he sounded angry, it was the caring she heard in his voice.
“I was trying to handle it myself,” she said.
His chest rose and fell on a sigh. “You know that as long as I’m around, you never have to face anything alone, don’t you?”
“I do.” She sighed in turn. “But sometimes I need to do things for myself. I can’t lean on you for everything.”
He didn’t reply, but there was something about his stillness that made her raise her head to search his face. His expression was intent, and somehow the way he was gazing at her made her heart rate pick up, and the ever-present need flower bigger, and hotter, in her core.
“You can, you know,” he said quietly. “Any-and everything. No matter how little, or big, or off the wall. I’ve always got you, sweet girl.”
It took everything she had inside not to let her gaze drop to his mouth, not to tell him how much she wanted him to kiss her and make love to her. Something inside her whispered that would make everything right, but she knew better than to trust that voice. Besides, Kiah didn’t think of her that way, and the thought of his rejection was too much to bear.
So, instead, she snuggled her face back into his neck, inhaling the warm, sexy scent of him, even as she tried to ignore the desire flowing like liquid fire through her veins. There was no place she’d rather be than in his arms, so she shifted a little closer on his lap, craving additional contact.
Then it sank into her brain what she was feeling snugged up against her thigh and, for a brief, glorious moment, she thought his erection was a sign he wanted her, too. Her heart rate soared, and she tightened her grip on his waist. But even as she felt him pull her in a bit more, sanity returned.
The right thing to do would be to ignore it, leave it alone, but Mina felt compelled to comment anyway. After all, they’d been calling each other out over stupid or embarrassing stuff for years. Why buck the trend now? Besides, laughing about it hopefully would get her back on an even keel.
“You really have been going through a drought, haven’t you?” she murmured, bumping his crotch gently with her thigh, so there was no mistaking her meaning.
She expected a chuckle, or a witty riposte, not the silence that followed her comment, or the restless movement of his hands on her back, which felt suspiciously like a caress.
Eventually, Kiah inhaled deeply, then replied, “My sexual drought has nothing to do with it, sweet girl. That’s all for you.”