Hope is such a fickle friend. At the slightest bit of resistance to its desires, it starts to lose steam. It allows doubt, insecurities, and fear to talk above it. It’s only because of the tenacious labors of determination that hope will keep burning, even if flickering like a candle in front of an open window during a storm.
Right now, that little flame of hope burning in my chest is fighting to stay alive in one hell of a storm.
All fifteen people we made formal offers to for the top five executive positions in our charity organization shot us down. Politely and regretfully, but they still shot us down. A couple were able to give us referrals to people they thought would be better suited for the jobs. They shot us down too. Nineteen people in total, thus far.
I’m not surprised. I knew in my gut this would happen. I knew people wouldn’t want to uproot their lives and turn away from their current responsibilities to take on those of running a multi-million-dollar charity organization.
And now that we’ve run out of people we know and trust who we thought would have been up for the challenges, we have to take our search public. And because we couldn’t fill a single executive position with someone we know, that means every single employee, from top to bottom, will be strangers.
I don’t normally like the freezing cold, but taking walks with Aura in the woods has been helping to keep my hope burning so I don’t succumb to the fears I have swirling around in my head that this is going to fail before we even launch it, like most businesses and organizations do.
We have a lot of deer in the area and the bucks normally shed their antlers in January, sometimes into early February. Since the snow melted, we’ve been finding a bunch of antlers. The first time we found two about twenty yards apart. The next walk we took, we found three more in another section of woods. We canvas a new piece of the property every time we come out for a walk, and we have found twelve antlers so far.
After an hour of walking around the woods, my bones are chilled through, so we head back to the house with Aura carrying a very large five-point antler in her mouth and I’m carrying two more. As I’m about to step up onto the deck, one of the glass doors opens and I freeze in my tracks.
“Hello, young wolf.”
“Sparrow.”
She smiles as she walks out onto the deck with a beautiful, bright red blanket with a blue, white, and black geometric pattern wrapped around her shoulders. She walks down the steps, and when she’s standing in front of me, she takes the blanket off and wraps it around my shoulders, then wraps me in her arms.
In the warmth and safety of her embrace, the tears I’ve fought so hard to keep inside finally break free. I drop the antlers and wrap my arms around her, burying my face in her shoulder while I freely cry, allowing myself to feel the storm raging inside me in its entirety. While she holds me, she rubs my back and sweetly hums a calming song of no words, only the sounds of her heart and spirit. It seeps inside me, filling me with warmth, thawing my chilled bones and giving new life and strength to my battered flame of hope.
After several minutes, my tears stop, my breathing normalizes, and I feel fatigued and tired, like I could just fall asleep right now and have the best rest I’ve had in months. Sparrow gently lifts my head off of her shoulder, brushes her thumbs over my cheeks, and kisses me on the forehead.
“Why are you here?”
“To give you this blanket.” She smiles as she grips the edges and tugs it tighter around my shoulders. “When Awenasa asked Mother Crow to make a blanket for Angelique Romano, I sensed that you too needed a blanket.”
I release a small sobbing sort of laugh as my eyes fill with fresh tears and my jaw trembles. I clear my throat, and ask, “You flew all the way from Cherokee to give me this blanket?”
“Not exactly. But I would have flown here just to give you this blanket even if I didn’t have another reason. You once wrapped me in a blanket to snuff out a fire so I would not be consumed and perish.” She places her hand on the center of my chest. “And now I am wrapping you in a blanket so the cold winds of disappointment and fear don’t snuff out your internal fire.”
“Thank you. I’ve been doing my best to stay positive and not lose hope. I mean,” I laugh and shake my head, “I don’t even like the cold, but I’ve been taking walks with Aura every day, obsessively canvasing the woods looking for deer antlers because, for whatever reason, it seems to calm me.”
“The deer is trying to speak to you, young wolf.” Sparrow bends down and picks up the antlers I had dropped. She hands me one, and while admiring the other, she explains, “A deer shed is a gift and a reminder that one should not be complacent, even if one dwells in green pastures. It’s okay to look to the horizon and explore new terrain. In leaving your comfort zone, you find regeneration and new growth, just as deer shed their antlers and grow them back in the spring. A deer does not need their antlers in winter. In fact, they become a burden.” She holds the antler up. “Which is often how they lose them in the first place. In the winter, food is scarce and more difficult to find. While they’re nosing through stiff tree branches, icy snow, and dry leaves, looking for something to eat, the antlers get caught up and fall off. It’s in the spring, when they need to go to battle with other bucks to win and defend their mates that they need their antlers.” She holds the antler up again. “You need to shed your antlers. You need to find peace and comfort in exploring the unknown. You’re defending up here,” she places two fingers on my right temple, “but you have nothing to defend against, so you’re getting tangled in the branches. Just let them go.”
“My wives have been trying to tell me similar, but I’m having a really hard time with it. I have no doubt Awenasa has been asking the spirits to move me so I can finally hear what they’ve been saying for weeks.” I look at the antler in my hand and release a small laugh. “Twelve antlers and I still wasn’t properly receiving the message.”
Sparrow lightly pinches my chin with a loving smile. “Because you’re a wolf by nature trust in others is of the utmost importance to you. Having to put trust in someone you don’t know is very difficult for you and it takes time for a person to earn your trust. It is no surprise to me or anyone else that you would be struggling with the idea of hiring a stranger to run an organization that is so close to your heart and spirit. That is why the deer has come into your life – to help ease you into acceptance. The deer is tender, yet strong. Accept the medicine it’s offering and find peace in your spirit.”
Despite my jacket and the warm blanket Sparrow wrapped around me, my entire body shivers. She smiles and rubs my arms.
“Come, young wolf. Come out of the cold and warm up. I brought someone I want you to meet.”
When we walk into the kitchen and informal dining room, only Awenasa is sitting at the table with a pot of tea and a few mugs. Her eyes dart between the deer antlers we’re all holding before looking in my eyes with a knowing sort of smile.
I feel my cheeks blush as I hold the antler up, saying, “Deer medicine.”
Looking relieved, she stands up and gives me a soft, lingering kiss on my lips. She then strips me of my blanket and winter gear – hat, jacket, gloves, then wraps the blanket around my shoulders again.
“Sit and have a cup of tea to warm up.”
The three of us sit down together, and after my wife pours us a cup of tea, I wrap my cold hands around the mug and inhale the steam as deeply as I can.
“That smells amazing.”
I take a sampling sip to see how hot it is, then take a larger sip, then a few more.
“Do you like my new blanket?”
My wife smiles over the rim of her mug, and after swallowing, she softly says, “Yes, it’s beautiful. What do you plan to do with all of your deer antlers, my love?”
“Well, I think I’ll definitely have to make a dance stick with one and do a dance tribute to deer spirit. Maybe Maddi would like to make something to add to her regalia since the deer is one of her totems. And,” I look at Sparrow, “I want to do something for you for coming all this way to give me a blanket and for teaching me about deer medicine. You can have first pick. Aura and I found twelve and they’re all pretty gorgeous. We found a pair of eight-point sheds yesterday. They’re massive. What can I make for you?”
“I think a smudge feather fan with an antler handle to use at the grand opening of the cultural center would be perfect.” She holds her hands only about four inches apart. “A small antler, and just the end. You can use the points for something else.”
“That should be fun to learn how to make. So, uh, who am I supposed to be meeting?”
“A dear friend of mine from the Cherokee Nation in Oklahoma. I’ll allow her to tell you her own journey. Word has spread about the organization you’re starting, so she called me to learn more. After praying on it, she decided she is ready for a change, if you feel like she’s a good fit for what you’re trying to accomplish.”
I can hear the chatter and giggles of the babies in the living room, so I know without asking that Sparrow’s friend is there – with the rest of my wives and babies. It’s the perfect setting for a first impression – seeing how she gets along with my family. After taking the last gulp of my tea, I stand up and take Awenasa’s hand and motion for Aura to follow us.
When we come into the living room, our babies are sitting on the area rug with Sparrow’s friend, playing with an assortment of toys, and my wives are sitting on the half of the sectional sofa closest to them. The woman looks to be in her early to mid-forties, at most, has long, dark brown hair reaching the middle of her back, and is of average build. She’s dressed in jeans with a blue and white plaid flannel over a white tee shirt and just socks on her feet – her black casual slip-ons are next to the coffee table. She looks comfortable and at home sitting in our living room while playing with our children, all of whom are enjoying having her attention.
As Aura walks in ahead of us to give love to the babies, I notice that Sparrow’s friend barely flinches. She just rocks back slightly to give her room and her eyes widen as she releases a small laugh.
“You are much larger in person than I expected, but you’re just as beautiful as the pictures and videos I’ve seen.”
Without hesitation, she pets Aura’s head, and Aura turns into her hand to sniff it, then noses her arm and shoulder. After she has memorized her scent, she walks around to sit behind Aiden and Kai, who are laying in little chairs that cradle them and can gently swing or bounce them. At the moment, their chairs are stationary and they’re moving their little arms around while they watch their siblings play.
Sparrow’s friend stands up, and with a kind smile, she offers her hand to me to shake. “Hello, Kayla. I am Wendy Mora. It is a pleasure to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you as well. Have you had lunch?”
“We had tea and cookies while we waited for you to finish your walk.”
“Maybe we can get to know each other while we fix lunch?”
“That sounds great.”
My wives pick up all of the babies, and we all walk into the kitchen and informal dining room. While Aura lounges out in front of the glass doors, Awenasa and Sam place Aiden and Kai in a bassinet next to the dining room table so we can keep an eye on them. Montana and Eerin wiggle to get out of Symone and Shannon’s arms, so they set them down, and they clumsily crawl over to sit in front of Aura with a couple of toys in their hands.
“Eat, Mom!”
I tickle Helaku’s tummy, and he giggles and hides in Madison’s neck.
“Do you want to help cook or play with your siblings?”
“Play.”
Madison and Jaime set him and Malana down with Montana and Eerin, and Aura’s tail wags a couple of times as she holds her head up a bit higher. I have come to understand the body language as pride and happiness in having all of the babies to look after.
While I’m waiting my turn to wash my hands, I ask Wendy, “Do you have any food allergies or dislikes of certain foods?”
“No allergies. And the only food I have a strong dislike for is green olives.”
I snap my fingers. “Well, darn. I guess we can’t have olive loaf sandwiches.” Wendy laughs as I make a dramatic face of disgust and shake my head. “I agree with you on green olives. I like black olives. But the green ones. Yuck. Although, Dana makes a really incredible tapenade, and it has green olives in it. I couldn’t believe it when she told me.”
“I’m sorry, who’s Dana?”
“Oh, she’s a good friend and the owner and head chef of The Firepit. It’s a restaurant in town we bought with her as silent partners when we found out the owners wanted to sell and retire in Florida. We’ll take you before you leave town. The food is amazing and Hayley, she’s the architect for the cultural centers, she redid the whole place. It’s gorgeous. Oh, wait, I forgot to ask how long you’re in town.”
With a small laugh, because I’m kind of rambling, Awenasa places a hand on my back, and tells me, “They’ll be staying with us for a week.”
“Nice. We’ll definitely get to The Firepit at least once then. And we’ll get dessert from Sweet Bites. It’s a cute bakery that opened in September. The stuff is amazing. Valentina and her dad Enrico opened it together. They’re super nice. And…” I blush as I catch the look of amusement on my wives faces. “And I’m getting sidetracked. Sorry. I like food.” All of them laugh, including Wendy. “Anyway, I guess we should talk more about you.”
“What would you like to know?”
“I guess we can start with what you do now.”
“I’m the director of elder services for my county within the Cherokee Nation. I usually work between sixty to eighty hours a week overseeing a couple dozen employees, from administrative workers to nurses and caregivers, as well as a host of volunteers. We provide a number of services from wellness checks, deliver groceries and other essentials, and drive the elders to their doctor’s appointments or to the store.”
“That’s important work. And it sounds like you’re very involved with your community. Do you enjoy it?”
“Very much. I’ve been working in elder services since high school, so they’ve all become like family to me. Many of them are family.”
While cutting some sweet potatoes into long wedges, Awenasa asks, “What’s something about it that you don’t like?”
“Oh, that’s a loaded question.” Wendy looks around at my wives working on various preparations for lunch, and asks, “While I try to answer that, is there something I can do to help with lunch?”
“Sure.” Awenasa grabs a block of white cheddar cheese and sets it in front of her, then sets a sack of green apples in front of me. “Kayla, can you get a couple of cutting boards and knives? We need the cheese cut in slices, maybe a quarter inch or so, and the apples need to be peeled, cored and sliced.” She palms one of the apples to gauge its size. “Probably cut it in eighths.”
“Okay.”
After I grab the cutting boards and knives, Wendy cuts and peels the wax coating off of the cheese, while I start peeling apples. After she has cut a few slices, she begins to answer Awenasa’s question.
“Aside from some limitations on what we can do to help, or all of the hoops we have to jump through sometimes to give the help needed, I think the only negative aspect of what I do is that I can’t do it all. Even with working ten to thirteen hours a day, five to six days a week, there’s still so much to do.”
While not in the exact same words, that’s the way Jess feels about what she does. Jess has been working with various charity organizations since she was in high school. And Wendy has been working in elder services since high school and has at least fifteen to twenty years on Jess. But Jess has worked in organizations with people that come into her life for brief periods of time. The people Wendy helps are in her community. They’re friends and family.
“Why do you want to leave?” She looks at me a little confused. “I mean, you love what you do and it sounds like you’re surrounded by loved ones all the time. Why are you considering leaving all of that behind to help a bunch of strangers? People you likely won’t get to directly interact with, or long enough to develop that level of connection like you can with the elders in your immediate community. And is there someone to fill in the gap when you leave?”
“I don’t want to leave. I feel called to leave. And yes, I can be replaced.” She pauses for a few moments while she arranges the cheese on her cutting board to make room to cut the rest of the block. “I was doing exactly this when I heard about the organization you’re starting. I was making lunch with family and friends. Lucas Braveheart, my predecessor, had heard about it from a friend on the Cheyenne River Reservation, who had heard about it from a friend on the Standing Rock Reservation. While Lucas told us what he knew, and everyone discussed what you all had done in Owens Valley, I felt a stirring in my spirit, a restlessness that made me feel detached from the moment, from my home. It was as if the news had cut a cord that had been holding me in place, and I was suddenly slowly drifting away. The dysphoria stuck with me for days, so I decided to call Sparrow. I had actually hoped the conversation would put me at ease and ground my spirit again. I had too much work to do within my community to wonder what the Johann family was planning next.”
“How do you feel right now? Are you still hoping there’s a bit of information you don’t know yet that might ground your spirit to Oklahoma? Or are you really interested in being a part of the work we want to do?”
Wendy smiles at me as she sets her knife aside now that she has finished slicing the block of cheddar cheese. “I would not be standing in your kitchen, if I was not ready to embrace a new path. When I boarded that airplane to meet Sparrow here, it was the first time in two weeks I had felt balanced. Even if after this week you don’t feel like I am a good fit for your organization, I can go home a bit more at peace with myself, knowing I did what I was supposed to do.”
Since I have finished peeling, coring, and slicing the apples Awenasa had given me, she sets a shallow pie plate down next to my cutting board that Symone had prepared with a crust and an herb seasoned cream cheese filling.
“Can you alternate the apples and cheese on top? Like a spiral, starting on the outside. Let them slightly overlap.”
“It’s not as pretty when I do it, but sure.”
Wendy moves her cutting board loaded with the sliced cheese closer to me, and I get to work carefully layering apple, cheese, apple, cheese, in concentric circles till I reach the center. The center has a little hole that an entire slice of apple or cheese can’t fit to fill, so I put one apple slice in like a pin, and Awenasa laughs.
“What’s wrong with that?”
Instead of answering with words, she carefully pulls the apple slice out, cuts a third off, then places the small chunk in the hole, perfectly filling it without the apple standing two inches above the rest of the tart.
“Ah, yeah, that definitely looks better.”
With a small laugh, she grips my chin and gives me a kiss on my lips. “Put it on a baking sheet and put it in the oven, please.”
“Okay.”
While I turn to grab a baking sheet, Awenasa addresses Wendy. “Since you heard about our organization through the grapevine, do you have any questions for us?”
“I have many questions. One of the biggest questions I have is what support staff or resources will be available to know the legal ins and outs of the services offered? For example, the micro-farms. Some municipalities require building permits and inspectors have to survey the land to make sure a farm would be safe, in terms of rain runoff or unground powerlines or gas lines. Some states and counties require you to pay livestock taxes over a certain number of animals. If the organization will be open to applicants from anywhere in the country, that’s a lot of laws and regulations to try to research before an application can be approved.”
Looking and sounding impressed, Madison answers, “Excellent question. We’ll have access to some databases that help with quick references for certain things. But we’re also going to have an entire legal team that will research everything else. Certain projects will require the legal team to work very closely with the services teams for the entire process, start to finish. They’ll take care of all permits, local fees, and applications for the initial start-up. Once a project is complete, recipients will be responsible for the upkeep, including annual taxes and fees. We have hired two lawyers so far with several years of experience working with charity organizations. We’re still looking for a few more lawyers with specific backgrounds, but the legal department will be very well staffed. And every employee will take regular compliance training on various laws, regulations, codes of conduct, and sensitivity training.”
“That’s great to hear. The legal process of trying to help someone can be very daunting and time consuming.”
Madison agrees, then asks Wendy, “What about the organization are you the most excited about?”
“The community driven focus on the programs and services you want to offer. Creating a community with meaningful relationships where people care about each other and support each other – that’s very important to me. And even though I probably won’t get to experience that on a personal level like I do now, I like the idea of helping others obtain what I have spent my whole life building back home. The grant program for entrepreneurs is very exciting and quite unique as well. In elder services, our main focus is to make sure the elders are able to live out their retirement as comfortably as possible. Our jobs are mostly about maintenance. What you’re doing is about growth and creation.”
The more we talk to Wendy, I more I realize how similar we are, in terms of being challenged to step outside of our comfort zones. It helps that Sparrow knows her, and I know Sparrow would not recommend or introduce someone to me she didn’t think I could trust. But I guess that might be part of the tenderness of the deer that she mentioned. Sparrow’s relationship with Wendy makes this conversation a bit easier and more comfortable than I was expecting the first interview to go after we post job listings online.