The self we mistrust, the self we fail to embrace, is the self of our own fundamental being, the self of our own emptiness, the self that has no stake in the relative images of self that arise. But nor do we truly embrace the relative images and relative experiences of self. Consequently we are in a limbo. Something within mistrusts them as well—knowing that, at some level, we are conning and being conned. To truly embrace them would be to allow them their emptiness, to relieve these images of the necessity of an independent existence on the plane of identification and projection—that plane on which we solidify and project our ideas of self into the world, and on which the world feeds us back our own projections, so that our understanding now relies on that mirror world.
“Self-reliance” here means that we have our own gyroscope of truth that is neither egoic nor cultural; and that we are willing to sacrifice our favorite self-ideations on its behalf. As we return or release to empty ground, to essential or empty self, there is a gradual release of reliance on the separative or projected self. This process is kindly supported by the abundant opportunities life offers for the humiliation of the projected self. Humiliation is the process by which the self is again reduced to its ground, to its humus—the rich source of nourishment of what is truly human. This sacred, or life-giving humiliation, though its ministrations may be extremely uncomfortable, is, in fact, none other than love itself; an opportunity to re-embrace. If we trust in this continual exposure to the complete insubstantiality of our own being; if we can allow ourselves to rely on that already empty self, already without strategy and without pretense, then all other images of self are forgotten. There is already accord with the way things are.
There is also, of course, abusive humiliation, when another sets out to deliberately crush our spirit and our ego for abusive ends. I am not talking about abusive humiliation here. That is violence against the human spirit, creating a toxic shame that is a disservice to our growth. I am talking about the humiliation brought about by our own foolishness coming up against the nature of life, which allows for a nontoxic and natural sense of shame, the organic process that causes us to pause long enough to let in and digest uncomfortable truths about ourselves.
Sometimes it is a gross humiliation, as when our foolish or shameful behavior brings about a loss of respect or reputation in the eyes of others or of ourselves. But there is also a subtle, or essential, humiliation, which comes about each time we realize the foolishness or the emptiness of our egoic conceits, demands, and expectations; or when we realize, with growing self-awareness, how incessantly we separate ourselves from the truth or we betray or distort the natural gracefulness of our being. This subtler humiliation, this awareness of missing the mark, is indicative of a growing spiritual understanding; and, above all, of a willingness to stand in the humiliation of our falsehoods, little and great, and to be scoured by grace—in which even self-judgment returns to tenderness.
There is still a third humiliation. It is not the humiliation of the foolish ego. It is simply the scouring and dissolving, and the returning to the roots of our emptiness, when we undergo great suffering—not neurotic or egotistical suffering, but the simple, genuine suffering of the heart as it enters into the inevitable love-dance with death at the heart of life; the simple, legitimate effacement that all impermanence, duality, and suffering bring to the ego; the constant ruination of dreams that we, our loved ones—that anything we love—will remain the way we wish.
Once we have learned to embrace all of these humiliations, rather than to resist them, we find that all things conspire to the growth and the nurturance of our souls, and to the largeness of our hearts. As our dreams are humiliated and released into a prior emptiness and completeness, we find ourselves standing on the only reliable foundation for our true and natural ease.