CHAPTER 11

 

After three days in the closed psychiatric ward, I am released back into the general population. My cutting is not ruled a suicide attempt this time since I didn’t cut as deep, but my relapse still promises me plenty of additional sessions with Dr. Malcolm. Overall, it’s a total drag, and for the first time, I doubt that the short relief I felt was actually worth it.

Finn had disappeared from the face of the earth which causes further distress, especially since Luke is also miffed that I used his knife to harm myself. His long lecture is literally drowned by my tears when I turn into a sobbing mess on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Luke, I don’t know what has gotten into me.”

“Hey.” He strokes my back. “I shouldn’t have been so careless, but I really thought we were past this cutting business.”

A fist clenches my heart at the disappointment oozing from his voice. “If it hadn’t been for the book—”

It’s a lame excuse and doesn’t persuade him. “It has to stop, Kels, or you’ll never get out of this place.”

My eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”

He doesn’t respond but stretches out in the grass, turning his face to the sun with his eyes closed. We are back under our usual tree in the garden. It is a beautiful afternoon with record high temperatures for Maine. A light breeze is cool, but otherwise, it’s a perfect day for the beach. I’m sure he is less than thrilled at being stuck here with me instead of spending time with Rhonda or his friends.

“Luke, is there something you’re not telling me?” I try again while my fingers comb through the long grass.

“I overheard your mom and my dad talking and they think you should stay longer at the hospital.”

I take in a sharp breath. “Can they do that?”

He rolls on his stomach and finds my eyes. “Probably. Androscoggin County has a small law community and my dad is real chummy with all the judges. I’m sure he could get another court order signed if he tried.”

Tears pool in my eyes. “I don’t want to stay here. Please, you have to talk to them.”

“Truthfully, I’m not sure if I disagree with them. You did get better for a while when you were trying.”

My head is spinning and I fall on my back, staring into the sky. A few puffy clouds are scattered throughout, drifting softly toward the sun. One reminds me of a dragon who could carry me away, another of a dog snout which makes me shudder. For a second, Roxy’s teeth flash in my mind as they tore into Jed’s skin. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I close my eyes, trying to clear my mind but fail. Luke is right. I am still a loose cannon and will probably end up dead by Christmas if I don’t finally accept some help. It’s just so hard and painful, having to deal with those inner demons.

“Can I still think about whether I want to stay or not?”

He plays with the stem of a dandelion. “For how long?”

It’s not a decision I’m prepared to make without some further advice. “I want to talk to Finn and see what he thinks.”

In the hopes of changing the subject, my finger begins to draw the outline of the dragon cloud in the air.

“That might be a problem. Finn is in jail at the moment.”

My head snaps up. “WHAT!” There must be some type of mistake. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” His eyes avoid me. “My dad is representing him. He and a friend beat someone up.”

I stare at him, my fingers massaging the bridge of my nose as pain spreads rapidly across my forehead. “Who?” I can’t believe Finn could be so reckless—he must be looking at some serious prison time.

Luke ignores the question and observes another dandelion like it is the most interesting plant in the world. “Did you know that these are actually edible?”

I couldn’t care less about the nutritional value of flowers. “Who did he beat up, Luke?”

His face twists into a grimace. “Jed. He was really mad about the book, so he and this guy jumped him the night after he found out you cut yourself.”

A groan runs across my lips, the guilt eating at me. “Please tell me he didn’t.” I can’t bear the thought that Finn could go to prison because he tried to protect me.

Luke’s fingers stroke the back of my hand. “I’m sorry. Hopefully, he won’t have to do much time since the DA is really after his friend who works for this big drug dealer.”

Tears drop into the long grass, the desperation crushing my chest. First, Luke got into trouble with the law after I was rescued, now Finn, and if he squeals on one of Tyrone’s men, there might be additional repercussions. Yet the one who really deserves to be locked up instead of walking around without a worry is Jed—he, of all people, seems untouchable. It’s unfair, but what is worse is that every time I confide my feelings to anyone, they pick my battles and end up in harm’s way.

“Can you tell Finn I’m sorry?” I sob. “I feel so terrible about this.”

“He just wants what’s best for you. I’m sure he’d also agree that you should stay here until you’re better.”

“You think?”

His eyes soften. “We all love you, Kels, and just want you to be alright. Don’t make your mom go to court again. It’s not fair on her.”

Just agreeing to stay and get with the program might really be the best under the circumstances. “Okay, and I promise I’ll work even harder this time.”

“That’s my sis.” He tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “You’ll see, things will be so much better afterward.”

All of a sudden, I have the urge to get back to my room and sulk. This whole situation is royally screwed up and I am the one who is to blame the most—but the worst is that I will not get a chance to apologize to Finn, even if he should not have risked everything for me. Beating up Jed was really stupid.

 

~~~~

 

Fate is finally kind and I get a chance to talk to Finn when he returns to the hospital a few days later. From the outset, he is in an awful mood, his face flushing when I confront him about Jed.

“I still don’t get why you just went ahead and beat him up without even talking to me. I could have told you that you’d get into trouble. Jed might be dumb, but he knows his way around the system.”

“He had it coming, Kelsey.” Finn is rummaging with the garbage cans, dragging them toward the large space out back behind the kitchen where the truck always picks them up. “Guys like him only understand one thing and that is a good punch in the mouth. Otherwise, they’ll never shut up.”

I glare at him—that is the dumbest argument I’ve heard in a long time. “Violence is never the answer, Finn. Jed won’t stop torturing me just because you beat him up. To the contrary. He’ll probably pull another stunt just to prove to you he can. Fighting him was totally pointless and look where it got you.”

His eyes are blazing. “I did what needed to be done and don’t regret it. Having that bastard bleed for a change felt great, even if I have to do some time. It’s a guy thing. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“It’s a guy thing?” I cannot keep the mocking from my voice. “Please, Finn, that’s ridiculous. How much prison time will you get for being tough?”

The steam is practically pouring from his nose. “You see, that’s exactly your problem. You allow people to beat up on you and then you feel all vulnerable and helpless, but instead of standing up for yourself, you feed on your misery and fault those who actually do something about it.”

I stomp my foot. “I never asked you to fight my battles. Beating up Jed was really immature and stupid.”

“Oh yeah.” His mouth curls into a sarcastic smirk. “But cutting yourself is a real mature way of handling things? You should listen to how hypocritical you sound.”

Tears roll down my cheeks—how can he be so mean all of a sudden? He used to cut himself and knows it’s an addiction which is hard to beat. “I thought you of all people would understand me, but I guess I was wrong. You don’t give a rat’s ass about my pain and what I’m going through.”

He runs his fingers through his thick waves with a sigh. “Look, if you’re so unhappy, do something about it, but stop waiting around for someone else to save you.” His intense eyes burn into my skull. “Move away and start fresh, or find Jed and cut off his balls—anything—but stop being such a crybaby. We all have a lot of shit to deal with and your whining is getting on my nerves.”

I glare at him in disbelief. He just turned into the same patronizing asshole as Luke when he yelled at me after my alleged suicide attempt. I want to push past him, but he blocks my way.

“Please, Kelsey, I didn’t want to fight. Not today.”

He reaches for my hand, but I pull away, my whole body shaking with anger and disappointment. I can’t even stand looking at him while the tears keep spilling from my eyes. He will never know how much his words sliced into my soul.

“I’ll be locked up for four months.” His voice is rough and laced with despair. “With good time, I should be out by Christmas. I promise I’ll contact you then and we’ll talk without the pressure we are both under at the moment.”

I raise my head and find his eyes. “Don’t bother. As far as I’m concerned, I never want to see you again.”

His mouth contorts like someone just punched him in his stomach, but he gets out of my way when I take a step forward. I run right past him and up to my room, falling onto the bed while heavy sobs battle my body. The tears keep flowing and flowing until I have a bad hiccup and am barely able to breathe through my nose. I hate him, the way I hate everyone else—I am more than a fricking crybaby. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve earned the right to be miserable.

 

~~~~

 

When Luke finds me a few hours later, I’m still in shambles, feeling absolute pity for myself. The fight with Finn upset me more than I want to admit, but I am convinced that I was right and he was wrong. I don’t understand how he could just blow up the way he did after everything I confided in him.

My face is buried in the pillow when Luke lowers himself on the bed next to me.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” I grumble. “You were right about Finn all along. He’s a conceited and selfish bastard.”

Luke sighs. “There’s something I have to tell you and you won’t like it.”

I roll on my side and look at him sullenly. “Not sure if I’m ready for any more bad news today.”

His eyes squeeze shut; it is something that will make me angry. “Finn actually didn’t beat up Jed with his friend, but with me.”

“WHAT!”

He grimaces. “When it first happened, Jed ran to the cops and swore it was me. We were wearing ski masks, but I had no alibi, and with my track record, the police were going to arrest me. A friend of my dad’s tipped us off, so Finn decided to step up to the plate and turn himself in. He knew the cops were after his friend for the longest, so he implicated him to get them off my back. If he hadn’t done that, I could forget going to law school.”

I lie still while the truth settles in. Finn must be under an unbearable pressure. “Who was his friend?”

“Some guy called Marcel Brown. He’s a real big fish in the Portland drug gangs and I don’t have a clue how Finn even knows him. Apparently, the feds have been after him for years, but never had anything on him until Finn pointed the finger.”

My stomach turns to knots. Marcel will kill Finn for this, and if he doesn’t get the chance, Tyrone will do the deed as soon as Finn gets out of jail. “What happened to him?”

Luke leans back in his chair. “Surprisingly, not much. He hired some hotshot lawyer from Portland who was even better than my dad, and since it was his first offense, he plea bargained the charge down to a misdemeanor and ninety days’ jail.” He shakes his head with a small sigh. “I still don’t know why this guy stayed quiet. He could’ve easily taken this to trial, and if he had won, I would’ve been screwed since the cops would’ve started to investigate again. Finn must have had something on him. He really came through for me.”

I watch Luke through hooded eyes. “Marcel is really dangerous and I’m sure he’ll make Finn pay for lying to the cops about him.”

No wonder Finn was so worried—this stunt was even more reckless than beating up Jed. The thought of Finn and Marcel being together at the Androscoggin County Jail terrifies me and I feel awful about our fight. He should have told me about my brother’s involvement.

I massage the bridge of my nose. “I have a bad headache and honestly need some time to digest this.”

“I totally understand but wanted to tell you the truth about Finn so you won’t be mad at him anymore.”

I’m still upset about his hurtful words, but I would like to clear things up. “Could you tell him to come by tomorrow so we can talk?”

“As far as I know, he’s going in right after his finals in the morning. His exams are the only reason the judge let him out in the first place. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait until after you leave the hospital.”

I will have to make this work—there’s no way I want to be in here when Finn gets out of jail. Hopefully, he’ll still want to talk to me after I told him I never wanted to see him again. My heart gives me a good knock on the head with a bat. I brought this on myself. For the next few months, I really need to get my act together and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.