CHAPTER 17

 

I am totally numb by the time Jed collapses on top of me, his body still shaking from his climax. He took his time, extending the last bit as much as possible. His face was laced with an expression of total ecstasy until he got lost in the heights of his lust. Luckily about halfway through, he neither noticed that I had totally stopped moving, nor the few stray tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

“Boy, that was amazing.” A small sigh follows his mumbled words. His heated breath warms the nape of my neck before he covers my shoulder with soft kisses. “You see, honeybun. This can be fun after all.”

I battle the nausea and the tears. The feeling of being totally dirty and worthless is stronger than ever—at least before, I fought for my body. Now that bastard actually believes I’m having a good time.

The thought sends a shudder down my spine and I suppress a small sob. My insides wince in total agony when I try to move, yet worse than the physical pain is the throbbing ache in my heart. There’s nothing left of my self-esteem—I am totally despicable.

“Can Hallie use the bathroom now?” I whisper, hoping he doesn’t break his word again.

He rolls on his back. “Sure. I have some things I’ve got to do around the house, but will be close by if you need anything.” His head points toward the closet on the right. “There are towels in there and you may want to put a sheet on the mattress. I’ll spray some disinfectant on there. Hopefully, that’ll get rid of the smell.”

Since I’m still naked, I don’t want to give him another eyeful of my body. I pull the covers closer around me when he slides out of the bed.

“What about some clothes? It’s freezing up there in that room.”

He glances at me. “You’ll have to earn those later. For now, all she gets is a bath and a dry place to sleep.”

I turn my head, sick at the thought of being his willing sex toy just to get the smallest of things for Hallie and myself. At some point, this whole ordeal might prove too much. All of a sudden, I have a craving for the razor blade, but I would rather have my head cut off than ask Jed about it.

He brings Hallie downstairs and ushers her into the bathroom. I follow with a couple of towels after getting redressed. At least he had been gentle and there are no bruises on me, though I’m sore when I walk and my stomach is cramping.

I fill the tub with water. It burns my fingertips when I check the temperature. With a small hiss, I withdraw my hand before turning the cold lever to full. I scratch the reddened spots with my nails. The dull pain gives me a quick but short-lived buzz.

“Are you okay?” comes Hallie’s small voice from the toilet. She is wrapped in a towel and watches me with huge puffy eyes. Her lips are bleeding and swollen.

I stare at her. What do I answer to that? Jed just forced me to share my body with him, an act that should only be reserved for couples to demonstrate their ultimate love for each other. It is supposed to be a wonderful experience to bring them closer together and at some point during their joint journey in life, it should produce a child as a decisive sign of their union.

Yet for me, sex has never been about love. It was forced on me from the start, and now, I even have to pretend I like it to prevent Hallie from getting hurt. No matter what I do, it is what it is, and there’s no need to scare her or make her feel guilty.

“I’m fine,” I say, giving my words an extra firmness to make them convincing.

Her soft eyes fill with tears. “But—”

“Don’t go there, Hallie. It’s alright, really.”

My gaze drops so she won’t notice the distress on my face. My statement is followed by pressing silence. I add bath gel to the water and recheck the temperature.

“All set. You can get in.”

She bites her lip despite the blood. “Don’t you want to go first?”

No matter how hard I would scrub my skin, it won’t make me feel better. “You go ahead.” I grimace when I look at her matted hair. “You need it more than me.”

For five days, she has been in captivity and has not even been allowed once to wash her hands or sprinkle water on her face. They made her lie in her own urine, but at least they kept her food and water intake to a minimum to avoid her soiling herself too often.

Her face cringes when she slides into the water. “Ouch, that burns. Must be the cuts.”

I take the sponge and soak it up before squeezing the water over her shoulders. With a sigh, she leans back, almost disappearing under the mountain of soft foam.

“I never appreciated a bath so much.” Her eyes cut into me. “It will get worse, won’t it?”

I shrug. “Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. I have no clue what Jed’s plans are for you, but I hope that as long as I play along, he’ll leave you alone.”

She can’t hold my gaze. “Why do you do it?”

When I frown, she continues. “I mean, we hardly know each other. You don’t owe me anything, so why do you allow him to touch you? Why not just save your own skin?”

I play with the sponge in my hand. “I’m already damaged, so why should I put you through the same ordeal? No matter what I do, I’ll never get my virginity back. I’m always gonna be the second-hand girl who’s dirty on the inside.”

She stares at me. “You know that’s not true.”

The sponge is chucked into the water as the anger seethes under the surface like a bubbling volcano. The fact that I was “broken in” and no longer in the “new” category has always bothered me the most. “It’s what I know. My boyfriend broke up with me because he felt that someone like me shouldn’t be picky. His exact words: ‘Someone who’s been tapped should be ready at all times, or they’ll dry up and no one wants them anymore.’”

She rolls her eyes. “That guy is just a jerk. You shouldn’t listen to him. What you did for me today was heroic. I’ll be forever in your debt.”

“Forget it. You’d do the same if you were in my position.”

It’s something I have to believe to carry on and she doesn’t counter. Instead, she dunks to get her hair wet. I get the shampoo bottle off the shelf. After lathering twice, I get the brush to comb out the rest of the knots.

“So how did they snatch you?”

New anger flares up at her stupidity to get herself kidnapped and she winces when I tear on her hair too hard.

“I was on my way to a friend’s house to spend the school vacation with her and her family in Vermont. They have a cabin up there and I was even gonna go skiing. I always wanted to do that. It was a present for my sixteenth birthday.” Her voice trembles slightly as she tells her story.

I’m surprised that she would spend the holidays away from her sister. In therapy, she had always stressed how close they are. “And Donna just lets you go away over Christmas?”

She avoids my eyes. “She’s a nurse and has to work over the holidays this year, so my friend’s parents thought it would be a nice treat. I don’t know if I told the group, but it’s my birthday the day after Christmas.”

I reach for her hand. “I’m so sorry, Hallie.” Hopefully, half the state is already searching for her. “Maybe the police will find us before then and it’ll be all good.”

She shakes her head, the tears now spilling from her eyes like a waterfall. “Jed put a gun to my head and made me call my friend’s parents to tell them that my sister got sick and I couldn’t go after all. Yet she thinks I’m gone with them, so there isn’t even anyone looking for us.”

My jaw almost drops, but I try to stay calm. If no one filed a missing-person report, we’re screwed. Hopefully, at least Luke caught on that my letter was nothing more than a bunch of crap.

“So did you see Jed’s friend?”

“No.” She uses the sponge to scrape the dirt from underneath her fingernails. “Jed pulled me into the back of a van and I never saw the driver. Since I got here, he’s also the only one who checks on me. I never even heard his friend’s voice.”

So this is another dead end. I had hoped that Napoleon wouldn’t be as careful around her and she could help me to finally lift the secret. All this must have been well planned, probably already since I first started those therapy sessions in Portland. Who could have known that the few hours of respite away from the hospital would turn into a new nightmare?

Fifteen minutes later, Hallie is all cleaned up with damp hair, wrapped tightly in a towel. I eye her dirty underwear, not sure what to put on her.

“Wait here.”

I walk out into the living room, looking for Jed. He is outside, chopping wood, and I watch him through the window. Dressed only in a tank top and a pair of jeans despite the cold, his body glistens with sweat as he raises his arms with the axe in his hands. His muscles flex with every blow he takes. I can’t help but think that most women would probably find him hot. Yet I only see his ability to hurt someone with all that strength. There is nothing attractive about him.

I knock on the window and he looks up, waving. He grabs a towel off a small rack next to the chopping block and wipes his hands and face before turning toward the house. I mark the spot where he disappears from my vision. If Hallie and I ever make it outside, it will be important to stay hidden from his prying eyes while finding an escape route.

“What do you need, honeybun?”

“Hallie’s clothes are all dirty. I need something else.”

He puckers his lips, his eyes on my disheveled appearance. “I tell you what. Since you haven’t had your bath yet, let me really spoil you.”

“Jed, please.” I can’t hold his gaze. “We just had sex.”

He pulls me into his arms and squeezes my butt. “Yeah, but everything in this world costs something. Do we have a deal?”

I nod against his shoulder, my stomach queasy. I’m upset that I won’t even have a minute of privacy. In hindsight, I should have taken Hallie up on her offer and had my bath first.

“Okay, let me see if I can find her some clothes.”

He strokes my back before releasing me and I return to the bathroom in total defeat. If he continues like this, I’ll be a nervous wreck by tomorrow.

He soon joins us and hands Hallie a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. “You can get dressed upstairs. I got the room ready.”

Hallie hesitates, staring at me with tears in her eyes. “Please, I don’t want to be up there alone and be tied up again. Can’t I stay down here with Kelsey?”

A small chuckle runs over his lips before his arm slides around my waist. “Kelsey is my girlfriend, so it’s different for her.”

I almost choke on his words. How can he even think for one second that we are a couple? He is totally delusional.

With her head lowered, Hallie follows him. I empty the tub and rinse it out before filling it again. The water has reached about the halfway mark when he returns. A vanilla-scented candle is in his hand, and soft flute music drifts through the door even after he closes it. Maybe this is his idea of romantic ambience.

“Come on, hop into the tub.”

I feel self-conscious all of a sudden. “Can you turn around while I get undressed?”

He laughs. “Honeybun, I’ve seen you naked a hundred times before, so don’t be a prude.”

His words stab like a dagger into my heart. What he doesn’t realize is that none of those times have ever been my choice. It is still something I struggle to accept.

“Come on, let me get that for you,” he says when I begin to fiddle with the button of my shirt.

He takes his time, unhooking every single button with agonizing slowness. When he is finished, his hands linger on my breasts before moving down, stroking my belly. His finger draws circles around my bellybutton.

“God, honeybun, you’re beautiful. Your skin is flawless and you’re just so soft.”

I search his face, but to my surprise, there is no desire, just the same longing I noticed last night. Yet his facial expression changes when he peels me out of my shirt and unhooks my bra. The burning need in his eyes causes my chest to tighten.

With a low growl, he spins around. “Get in that tub before I change my mind and take you right here on the bathroom floor.”

He doesn’t have to ask twice. I slide off my pants and panties and immerse myself in the water, the foam hiding me from sight. The warmth is an instant relief to the aching tension that is clenching every muscle in my body. The thought that his hands will be all over me again is unbearable.

I tilt my head back and close my eyes, wanting to forget that I’m not alone at my own home for just one minute. The scent from the candle lingers in the air and mixes with the almond fragrance of the bath gel. The music is lulling my senses. I exhale, totally relishing the moment. I have always loved taking a bath—it was the only way to find some relief other than cutting.

When I reopen my eyes, Jed is seated on the toilet. He stares at me with glowing eyes. When he clears his throat, I know my time is up.

“Let me scrub your back, honeybun.”

I rise just far enough to keep my body below my waist hidden by the suds. He warms his hands by scooping up some water before squirting soap on his palms and rubbing them together. Slowly, he applies the gel to my back in a rotating motion. Despite his gentleness, the touch resonates painfully throughout my body.

“Stand up,” he demands when he reaches my lower back.

His voice is hoarse and laced with craving, making my heart thump in my throat. I would give anything for him to stop. Yet I have no choice but oblige. If I refuse, he will either turn violent or take it out on Hallie.

He lathers my legs and the tears begin to roll as soon as he reaches my thighs. I bite my lip hard to prevent the sobs from ratting me out. Yet, at some point, I can’t prevent a shudder running through me, leaving goosebumps all over my body.

“Turn around, honeybun.”

I do what I’m told and meet his eyes while he is looking up at me. The tears are still rolling down my cheeks. I feel so exposed and helpless. Since he knows I am truly rejecting him, he’ll probably punish me.

“You aren’t enjoying this at all, are you, honeybun?”

I don’t respond and lower my gaze. “If you really want us to work, Jed, you have to give me time.”

He stands up and cups my head into his hand, softly kissing my forehead. “I can’t promise I’ll be patient for long, but for right now, I’ll give you some space.”

To my amazement, he leaves the bathroom. I sink back underwater. Trying to relax, I close my eyes again, but in my mind, his hands are still all over me, forcing intimacy against my will. I shift and try to get comfortable, but the feeling persists.

When my teeth chatter after the water has cooled down, I give up and begin to rub soap all over me. Shudders battle my body with every scrubbing motion. Even after I rinse myself off three times, the dirty feeling sticks to my skin like superglue.

As I wrap myself in the thick towel, my eyes fall onto the candle. With a sigh, I pick it up and hold it over my arm. Slowly, I allow the hot wax to drizzle onto the fresh cuts from last night that have hardly formed a scab, breathing deeply in and out as the pain crawls toward my shoulder. My hand shakes when the pain intensifies, but I keep pouring the wax onto my skin. I can’t get enough of the sudden buzz that calms my frayed nerves.

When there is nothing left to give me comfort, I extinguish the flame with my fingertips, digging my incisor teeth into the sore flesh to prolong the high. After the pain subsides, I run into the bedroom and slam the door shut. As I hide under the covers, my whole body shakes from my sobs. I weep until my tears dry up.

Exhaustion is finally merciful by releasing me into a deep slumber, yet my nightmares are just around the corner. It seems that there is nothing I can do these days to escape my inner demons.