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Ted walked up to the house and didn’t know if he should knock, walk in, or just turn around and leave. He’d like to say that Sarah was his life. That she meant everything to him, only he couldn’t. These past three months, hell, the last ten years, he thought he had it all. A wife, the woman he always loved, a daughter, a home, and his career. What more could a man want, right?
Ted couldn’t speak for other men, but he needed more. He needed a woman that could support him in his career, and he needed a woman that set his soul on fire. At one time, that woman was Sarah. Only now, too much had changed. It wasn’t her fault. It was his. He buried himself in his career to forget. He kept himself busy in his career so that he didn’t need to face her. He kept himself busy doing anything but being the husband he should have been. Why? Because he could never forgive himself for being the selfish bastard he was. He could never forgive himself for staying in the shadows watching Sarah raise their son. He could never forgive himself for not being the man she needed.
Admittedly, he was at fault, not her. Sarah had been nothing but any man’s dream wife and mother of his children. To many things stood between them and there were to many regrets to count. His therapist told him that he needed to let go of the past, because it could not be changed, and he needed to focus on the present. Ted couldn’t do that.
Ted had hurt Sarah when he turned her away before and he cursed himself for that, but when he was given the opportunity to have her again, he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t walk away, and he cursed himself for being that selfish bastard again. Now it was time to stop being the selfish bastard. Now it was time to make it right and he knew this time he was finally being the better man. He looked down at the papers in his hand and took a deep breath as he opened the front door of a house he’d always been a stranger in.
Ted moved into the living room and, without looking around, he moved to the kitchen. When he looked out the sliding doors, he saw her standing on the porch. She still took his breath away. She was an incredibly beautiful woman. Always was and age didn’t change that, it only enhanced her beauty. He took a moment for the selfish bastard inside of him and stared at her curves, her long brownish hair, and he remembered days when he owned every inch of her body. Days where he couldn’t get enough of having her under him, over him, and anywhere he could have her.
The knowledge that he’d been the only man to own her body that way was intoxicating. That alone was part of the reason he held on for so long. She saved herself. She never in the eighteen plus years they were apart, allowed another man to touch her in the way he had. NO ONE! That had the beast inside of him wanting to take her again, right there on the porch. But then, that was him being the bastard he was. Now, it was time to be the man Sarah thought he was. Now was the time to show her how much he really loved her.
Ted walked out on to the porch and said, “Sarah,”
When Sarah turned to look at him, his knees nearly gave way at the pain he saw in her beautiful green eyes. She knew. She knew they were over.
Ted moved to her, took her in his arms, and held her for just a moment before he said the words that would break her heart, again. Damn, how he hated himself right now, but one day he hoped she would see that he was setting her free because he loved her too much to keep hurting her. He loved her too much to not let her go, so she could find the man that truly deserved her. He loved her, but he couldn’t keep her anymore. He needed to set her free, so she had a chance at finding her happily ever after. She would always be in his heart, but he would never be able to choose her over his career. That was his first love and would probably be the only thing that would ever truly own his heart.
Ted let her cry in his arms, and he held her to him until she no longer cried. Then he spoke from his heart.
“Sarah, I’ll always love you. There would never be a more perfect woman than you, but we can’t keep lying to each other. We just aren’t what we need to be happy. You and me, we just don’t belong together.” Ted moved so he could tip her face up to meet his eyes. “No one ever held my heart and no one else ever will, but you know I’m not good enough for you. You deserve someone who is willing to give you everything. I am not that man.”
********
Sarah knew when Ted wrapped his arms around her that it was over. She knew as soon as he called to talk that he was giving up on her, again.
Sarah only wanted to know what was wrong with her that made him keep giving up on her. What was it that made her not enough for him?
She moved into his arms and cried. She cried for the son she lost, the daughter who was losing her father, and for herself. She was losing the only man she ever loved.
When Ted pulled her back to look at her and spoke, she heard his words, but she didn’t understand. “Why Ted? Why are you not that man? You told me you loved me, you told me that I was the only woman for you and now, again, you push me away. Why am I not enough for you? What is wrong with me?”
She pulled away from him as though he was burning her, and she let him watch her back as she turned to hide the tears from him. Tears that she knew she’d hide from the world once he left, once Bella came home. She would not let them see that he broke her one more time.
She felt him move up behind her and he said, “Damn it, Sarah! It’s not you, it’s always been me. I couldn’t stop myself the night I met you, from approaching you, even though I knew I was going to have to lie to you. I couldn’t stop myself from watching you raise our son, and I sure as hell couldn’t stop myself from protecting you when my job put you in danger.”
Ted placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. Sarah tried to school her hurt, but she knew she was failing when she saw his face.
He reached up and placed his hand on her cheek and brushed the tears off with his thumb, then hung his head as he spoke, “You have given me the world, Sarah. You have done everything you could for me. The only thing you can’t do,” He tipped his head up and looked her in the eyes as he said, “is change who I am. I’m a cop, Sarah. I’ve always wanted to be a cop, and you need me to be more. You need me to be more for you, for Bella, but I can’t. I want you to be here for me and not wonder when I’ll be home, or if I’ll be home. I want you to support me in my career only, you can’t because I will always put my career first.”
Sarah looked away from his face and said, “So it is me. I’m not enough to make you want to put your family first. I failed.”
“No, Sarah, you have never failed. We both just want something different. I want to do what I love doing and you want to love me and our family. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we just don’t fit together. You were right to call me out after Trae was shot. You were right, everything you said to me that day, when you told me to get out, was the truth. I see life as black and white. You, Sarah, you deserve all the colors of the rainbow. I just am not the man to give them to you.”
Sarah stood there and remembered that day. She was so angry, and she lost her temper with him, and for once spoke out everything she was feeling. She had tried to not lose her temper, but Ted had pushed all her buttons that day in the hospital trying to question Arianna and Rod.
The fight started as Ted was rambling on and on to her about the corruption in the world and that he needed to make things right, he needed to find the truth, the justice. Sarah remembered thinking he was so blind. The argument they had was one like no other, and now she feared those words she spoke would always haunt her, for they changed the course of their lives.
Ted argued with her at their house, after leaving the hospital, and said, “Sarah, you don’t understand. I took an oath to uphold the law. How am I any better if I turn a blind eye? How am I any better than those criminals that I put behind bars? You just don't get it.”
“No, Ted, it’s you that don’t get it. You don’t get the fact that our friends need our support. You turned your back on them. When Miranda was faced with her father, the man who molested her her whole life, you walked in and let him walk away. Even though he was in the process of trying to rape her again. Had Rod not walked in, the man would have succeeded. You acted as though the man did nothing wrong.”
“You mean he allegedly molested Miranda. You can’t accuse someone who isn’t here to defend themselves. Making accusations without any real evidence is what leads the corrupt to keep running free. I thought you understood that. I thought you understood what I wanted from life.”
Sarah was enraged, “I do understand, Ted. I understand that you see life as black and white. Only there are an array of colors to see as well. If you can’t open your eyes and see the colors of the world, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful, then how can you call yourself a man living a life? You just don’t get it, do you?”
Ted ran his hand down his face in frustration. “I understand everything perfectly, Sarah. Do you think I like the fact that corruption is what led to Taryn’s attacker getting off scot free? Do you think that I like the fact that they got away with attacking her? Do you think I like the fact that the corruption and the drug ring, all the things I fought against, took me away from my son? Do you think I like the fact that all the corruption took me away from seeing him grow up? I lost a lifetime. I lost my son.”
“No, Ted. You want to blame corruption for that. If that’s what makes you feel better and lets you sleep at night, then go ahead and believe it, but damn it, that was your decision, Ted. Yours! You walked away from me. Actually, you pushed me away from you. I raised our son. I’m the one who was there, day in and day out, taking care of him, worrying about him. You came in after his death and thought you could make things right again. Sweep me up into your arms, marry me, give me another child, and everything would be okay. But in here, Ted,” Sarah struck her chest hard, “in here, I am broken. I lost my son. But not because of corruption, no, I lost him because he was the man who had a heart, a soul, a dedication to his country, and he protected his brothers in arms. In here, I lost the only man I ever loved when he pushed me out of his life. In here, Ted, I fear that I’ll never be enough for that man, that he’ll never want just me.”
Sarah continued yelling at him, as she couldn’t stop herself. She was so angry with him, and had been for so long.
“You, Ted. You made the decision to move forward without me. You made the decision to not fight for me. To not fight for your son. Now, you’re doing it all over again. You have driven me out of your life once again, by closing off the man that you once were. The man that I fell in love with. You closed off, Ted, not corruption. Corruption is always going to be here. You need to make a decision. Do you want to live life in living color or do you want to stay living in black and white? There is no room in my life for just black and white, Ted. Even if that means I have to walk away. Even if I have to leave the only man that I ever loved and live alone once again. I will do that because I want what is best for our daughter. I want what is best for me. I deserve better. Ted, you deserve better. Are you going to continue to choose your career over your family, your friends, and over the truth?”
When Ted didn’t answer her that day, she told him to pack a bag and leave until he figured out what he wanted from her, from life, and for his future. Now looking at him, and seeing his eyes, she realized he did that. He searched his soul and she lost. She lost everything, again.
“So that’s it, Ted? You choose your career over your family and now I have to figure it out again. Alone. You tell me you love me, but if you truly loved me, you wouldn’t leave me, Ted. You wouldn’t leave your daughter. You’d fight for us.”
Ted shook his head, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here, for whatever you both need.”
Sarah looked at him and her tears left her once again. “You just won’t be here, physically.”
“No, Sarah. I won’t be here physically. I bought a place outside of Wellsprings. I’m going to move there and start over. I filed for divorce and the papers are inside. The house is yours. It’s always been yours. I’m giving you more than enough spousal support and child support. Everything here is yours. I’m only keeping enough to afford my mortgage and bills. The rest of what I have is yours and Bella’s.”
Sarah shook her head, “So, money, Ted. You’re giving us money instead of giving us what we really need, you. Your love. Your heart.”
Ted shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, Sarah. I truly am. I just,” Ted let the words hang in the air. There was nothing left to say, nothing he could say, nothing he could do. It was done.
