I’m early. It’s not even half past nine yet but I couldn’t wait any longer. I would have come here at five a.m. if I’d thought the park would be open at that hour. There are already a handful of people here – mothers with toddlers, most of them glued to their phones, pausing for air while their children run around freely. These women would never have left their babies. None of them would have done such a despicable thing.
The only entrance to the park is a small red gate, and I keep my gaze fixed on it, desperate to see my daughter appear.
What will my first words be? As I sit there, I imagine all kinds of scenarios, even though it’s impossible to predict what might actually happen. I know nothing about young children – she is a toddler now – so there is no way to foresee the conversation we will have.
It’s nearly half past ten by the time they arrive. I see Nicole first, opening the gate as she clutches Kayla’s hand. She spots me and gives a small wave, but Kayla doesn’t notice the gesture and tries to pull Nicole over to the swings. Nicole bends down to her and points in my direction, explaining something to Kayla that I have no way of hearing. It is a bizarre scene to experience: my daughter with the woman who has been her mother for over a year. And here I am – an outsider.
Standing up, I head across to them, forcing a confidence I don’t feel in any part of my body. Kayla is my daughter. Kayla is my daughter. No matter what happens, no one can change that. Not ever. The mantra plays through my head, fuelling me with the power to see this through.
‘Hi.’
Nicole looks up, confusion on her face. ‘Eve, hi! This is a nice surprise.’ She raises her eyebrows, and I immediately know what she’s silently telling me: Play along with it. I’ve got it all worked out.
‘Yeah, I, um, I just thought I’d have a walk and enjoy the sun.’
She leans down and wraps her arms around me. ‘Well, it’s nice to see you.’ She leans down to my daughter. ‘Kayla, honey, this is my friend, Eve.’
Kayla squints up at me and then slowly brings her hand up in a half wave. She doesn’t smile but eyes me suspiciously. Her eyes are dark now, just like mine. They were still blue when I left, the colour undecided as with all newborn babies.
It takes all my willpower not to grab her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. ‘Hi, Kayla, it’s nice to meet you.’ As soon as I’ve said this, I curse myself; I’m sure this isn’t the way to talk to a toddler. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but this is far harder than I imagined.
‘Swing, Mummy,’ Kayla says, ignoring me and pointing across the playground.
Despite Nicole warning me that Kayla addresses her this way, the pain of hearing it for myself, straight from my daughter’s mouth, cripples me.
‘Okay,’ Nicole is saying. ‘Can you play on the small climbing frame for a second, and I’ll be right over?’
Kayla nods and heads off, seemingly happy to play independently. She must be a confident child, and that’s all thanks to Aiden and Nicole.
‘Sorry,’ Nicole says as soon as Kayla’s out of earshot. ‘I just thought it would be easier to let it seem that we just bumped into each other, otherwise Kayla will go home and tell Aiden everything. She might only be two and a half but she’s a little chatterbox, that one.’ She pauses. ‘I have to admit this has been really difficult, and it’s hard for me to know exactly what to do. I did try talking to Aiden again last night but he really wouldn’t listen. In fact, he’s completely shut down. He won’t even entertain having a conversation about this, even though it’s so important.’ She stares at Kayla. ‘I can only think that this is bringing up all kinds of unresolved feelings for him, and he’s just not able to see what’s best for Kayla.’
Even though I’m trying to take in these words, I can’t tear my eyes from Kayla. I’m confused by what Nicole’s saying; does she mean that Aiden still has feelings for me? I can’t let her think that I’m any kind of threat. ‘I’m sure the only feeling Aiden has towards me is anger about me leaving. Please don’t think that there’s anything else. Things move on. I doubt either of us are the same people we were two years ago.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ Nicole says, ‘I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You’re right, things change and I’m completely secure in our relationship.’ Her face lights up as she turns to Kayla again. ‘All that matters is this one. She’s such a beautiful little girl. And I don’t just mean on the outside. She’s also the kindest, most gentle child you could meet. We’re so proud of her.’ Nicole’s eyes widen. ‘Oh, sorry – this is weird, isn’t it? I’m going on and on about Kayla and she’s your daughter.’
‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. As much as it hurts, I have to be rational about this, and not let my emotions control me.
Nicole pats my hand. ‘It’s just so hard because… well, not being genetically related to Kayla doesn’t stop her being a huge part of my life. And I really do love her to pieces.’ She continues watching Kayla before turning back to me. ‘Take Aiden, for example. He was adopted yet Pete and Marie are his parents, pure and simple.’
‘I know. He couldn’t have asked for a more loving mother and father. Nicole, can I confide in you?’ The words are out before I’m sure of what I’m doing.
She moves closer to me and places her hand on my arm. ‘Yes, of course. I know that might sound weird given our situation – and because you don’t really know me – but ultimately we’re all here for Kayla, aren’t we?’
I stare at her, the woman who it should be easy to dislike, and all I can sense from her is genuine warmth. It’s true that I don’t know her, but my instinct is telling me that she’s okay. That I can trust her. ‘The truth is,’ I begin, ‘that I’ve been longing for this moment and, now that it’s here, I really don’t know what to say to Kayla. I don’t know how to be around her.’ I turn to watch Kayla, who is now busy moving giant counting balls from one side of a bar to the other. ‘I thought it would all come naturally, that maybe she’d sense something about me, but there’s nothing, is there? There’s no bond, nothing to make me stand out to her in any way. I had no idea how hard this would be.’
Nicole nods, as if she completely understands what I’m explaining. ‘Is that what you wanted to happen? For her to know you’re her mum without anyone having to say anything?’
I consider her question. ‘Not exactly. I wasn’t expecting the impossible, just for… I don’t know, for her to smile at me or something.’
Nicole reaches for my hand. ‘Look, I totally get how difficult this must be for you. Actually, difficult is not the word, is it? It’s an impossible situation. Just try to remember that she’s two and a half. We’ve tried to bring her up to be careful around strangers, so that’s probably why she wasn’t over-friendly with you. Please don’t think it means anything.’
‘You’re right. I need to accept that this will take a lot of time and nothing’s going to come easily. That’s okay. After what I did, I don’t expect anything else. I suppose it just shocked me, that’s all.’
‘Kids take a while to get used to people, and this is the first time she’s seen you. The more you see Kayla, the more you’ll have a chance to bond.’
‘Yes. That’s what I want more than anything.’
Nicole turns back to check on Kayla, but she doesn’t need to. I have been watching her the whole time. She is safe. ‘We’ll just have to understand how Aiden feels. Today I just wanted you to have the chance to see her properly, but I can’t keep lying to him or keeping things from him. You’ll have to give this time. I will try to talk to him again, though.’
‘Thanks, Nicole. I don’t want anything to come between you two, so don’t push it too much. I’m happy to keep trying to get through to him myself.’
She bites her lip. ‘You could. I don’t know, though. Is that a good idea? Maybe it’s best if you leave it to me?’
I tell her she’s probably right just as Kayla runs over to us.
‘Mummy, the swing!’
Even though Kayla is speaking to Nicole, I crouch down to her level. ‘How about I push you?’ I offer.
Kayla stares at me for what seems like minutes before shaking her head. ‘No. I want Mummy.’ She rushes forward to Nicole and throws her arms around her.
Her words tear me to pieces, and it’s all I can do to pull myself to standing again. Over Kayla’s head, Nicole mouths I’m sorry. I shake my head and hope she knows I’m trying to tell her that it’s not her fault.
‘Come on, then,’ Nicole says to Kayla, and I watch as they head off to the swings, hand in hand. Mother and daughter.
Even though I feel like an intruder spying on someone else’s life, I won’t give up. I can’t. Not when there’s so much at stake. I’ve come this far, and nothing will make me run from my daughter now.
‘What the hell?’
His voice echoes through the park, and I know immediately who it is.
I turn, and Aiden is striding over to me. Even from this distance I can tell his cheeks are flushed. A pang of familiarity stings me, a blurring of the past and present as I recall how easily his skin reddens.
‘Get away from her,’ he shouts again.
Standing up, I glance over at Nicole and Kayla, neither of whom have noticed Aiden appear. It’s busy and noisy enough here to mask his shouts too, and I’m grateful that Kayla hasn’t heard him.
‘Keep your voice down,’ I say. ‘Please.’
‘Why should I? What the hell are you doing here, Eve?’
Before I can answer, Kayla rushes over to us, wrapping her arms around Aiden’s legs. ‘Daddy!’
‘Hey, bunny,’ he says, scooping her up. He turns to Nicole, his voice softer now. ‘What’s going on?’
Nicole reaches for his arm. ‘I, um—’
‘I just turned up here, hoping to see you all.’ The lie comes easily; I can’t cause trouble for Nicole after what she’s done for me.
Aiden stares at me; there will be a multitude of things he wants to say to me, most of them probably accusations, but he is mindful of Kayla hearing what must be kept between adults.
‘Why don’t we go home?’ Nicole says before Aiden can speak. ‘I’ll tell you what, Kayla – let’s get the Play-Doh out and we can make some cupcakes.’
‘Yay!’ Kayla says, reaching out her arms for Nicole. Aiden passes her over and hangs back while Nicole and Kayla head off.
‘You can’t do this,’ he hisses now that he has free rein to let me know what he thinks. ‘You have no right.’
‘I just wanted to see her, Aiden. I swear to you I haven’t said anything.’
‘Did you think Nicole wouldn’t know who you are? She’s seen photos of you, Eve. If she’d noticed you here she would have taken Kayla away immediately.’
‘Why are you acting as if I’m a danger to her, Aiden?’
‘But that’s the problem, isn’t it, Eve? That’s exactly what you are and we both know it.’