Aiden opens the door with no hint of a smile, no warmth whatsoever on his face. He stares at me for a moment before finally speaking. ‘You’d better come in, then.’ His words are mechanical and forced, as if he has promised Nicole he will be on his best behaviour for her sake. It’s me, I want to say. The woman you once loved.
Stepping inside, I’m not prepared for the feeling that overwhelms me: I am out of my depth here, somewhere I don’t belong and have no right to be. Then I hear Kayla’s giggles coming from upstairs; a reminder that I need to see this through.
The house smells of citrus, and I notice patches of water on the hallway floor where someone must have recently mopped. ‘Shall I take my shoes off?’ I ask Aiden, and he gives a slight nod. Some things never change.
Aiden gestures for me to head into the first room off the hall – a small but light and airy living room. Some of Kayla’s toys are scattered across the floor, yet somehow the room doesn’t look messy, just full of life. It’s funny how much warmer a home can feel with children living in it.
‘Nicole’s just changing Kayla’s clothes,’ Aiden mumbles. ‘She managed to pour water all over herself.’
‘What was she doing?’ I ask, praying we can keep this small talk going, and that he won’t retreat.
‘Drinking from her cup. She’s generally fine holding it but she dropped it. Anyway, does it matter?’
I hold up my hand. ‘No, I was just showing an interest, nothing more. I’m not here to analyse how you parent.’
‘No, you lost the right to do that a long time ago. Anyway, it’s how Nicole and I parent. We’re in this together, whether you like it or not.’ His voice is barely more than a whisper.
Aiden’s hostility saddens me. This is not the man I remember, no matter what’s happened. He was always a fair and kind person, someone willing to try and see all sides of a situation. Not for the first time, it hits me that what I did has changed so many people’s lives.
‘I’m not here to argue. I just want what’s best for Kayla.’
‘Just because Nicole—’
‘Hi, Eve, thanks for coming. I didn’t hear the doorbell.’ Nicole stands in the living room doorway, clutching Kayla’s hand. She turns to her. ‘Kayla, do you remember my friend who we saw in the park the other day? Eve.’
Kayla nods shyly, then grabs onto Nicole’s leg. In her other hand she’s holding a cream-coloured bunny. ‘Can I play, Mummy?’
Hearing Kayla address Nicole this way makes me feel sick, but I force a smile.
‘Of course you can. It’s lunchtime soon, though, okay?’ Nicole gently ruffles Kayla’s hair, and a deep pang of envy runs through my body.
I watch as Kayla sits on the floor and rummages through her toys, oblivious to me. I was stupid to think there might be some sort of invisible link between us that would show her who I am without anyone even telling her. She still has no idea. I could be anyone. I thought just being in her presence would be enough, but as each second passes it’s clear that it won’t be.
‘Has Aiden offered you something to drink?’ Nicole asks, walking over to him and patting his arm.
‘I’m sure he was just about to,’ I say, and Nicole laughs. How ironic that this stranger is making me feel more comfortable than the man I used to know every inch of? ‘Just water, thanks.’
‘It’s buffet food for lunch. Bits and pieces like sausage rolls, sandwiches, that kind of thing. I thought I could do a roast but Kayla’s been a bit clingy the last couple of days, so I haven’t had a chance to get organised. Plus, I’m not feeling too great. Nothing serious, just exhausted I think.’
‘That’s because you’re doing so much,’ Aiden says. ‘Kayla and I really appreciate it, though.’
He’s said this for my benefit, but I brush it off. Aiden doesn’t have to like me; I’m here now in his house and this is the first step, no matter how awkward it feels.
‘Right,’ Nicole says, ‘Aiden, can you come and help me get the food ready and Eve can play with Kayla for a minute?’
My heart races. Are they really going to leave me alone with Kayla?
Aiden stares at Nicole and doesn’t say anything. He’s trying to communicate silently with her, to tell her he doesn’t want this. But before he can protest, she grabs his arm and leads him off to the kitchen, telling Kayla that I will play with her while she gets lunch ready.
As much as I want this, as soon as they leave the room, I am far out of my comfort zone. This should come naturally to me, yet I have no idea how to talk to Kayla, how to be around her.
I move across to her, where she is engrossed in playing with her doll’s house, and sit on the floor beside her. ‘That’s a lovely house,’ I begin.
She doesn’t look at me but nods. ‘Mummy got it for me. For my birthday.’
Although I have nothing to compare it to, it strikes me that she speaks remarkably well for a two-and-a-half-year-old.
‘Well, it’s very special. I bet your little dolls love living in it. I’d love to live in a house like that.’
Again she nods, picking up one of her figures and handing it to me. ‘That’s Lucy.’ She holds the doll out. ‘You can have her.’
‘Oh, can I? Thank you very much!’
‘You’re welcome!’
Pride for this little girl fills me up. In those first three months of her life, I could feel nothing, yet now I am flooded with emotions – with love – for my little girl.
We play quietly for a few minutes. My conversational skills have escaped me as my mind tries to absorb that I’m finally with my girl, doing something normal, that any mum would do.
‘Mummy!’ Kayla suddenly says, and for the briefest of moments I actually believe she is speaking to me. Then she is standing up and running to Nicole who is framed in the doorway, watching us.
‘Lunch is ready!’ she says, scooping Kayla into her arms.
It’s clear that none of us really knows what to say as we sit around the table picking at our food. Thankfully, Kayla provides us with distraction and fills the room with her toddler chatter. Before now I have never been an envious person, but witnessing the interaction between my daughter and Nicole consumes me with grief.
Aiden pushes his food around his plate, hardly touching it. Several times I notice Nicole glaring at him, but he cannot bring himself to look at me, or make any attempt to speak to me.
‘I just need to help Kayla on the toilet,’ Nicole announces suddenly. ‘Aiden, you can come and help.’ It’s not hard to guess what she’s doing; she is planning to instruct Aiden to be more civil to me. Nicole promises they won’t be long, and then the three of them head upstairs.
Left alone, my head begins to pound, so I reach into my bag for some paracetamol. I take two, but I doubt they will do anything to relieve the painful throbbing.
Minutes tick by and if it wasn’t for the dull rumbling of voices floating downstairs, it would feel as though I am alone in this strange house. A home that isn’t mine but should be. The lunch on the table is still yet to be finished, and I stare at the dark pink lipstick mark on Nicole’s glass of water.
‘Sorry about that,’ Nicole says a few minutes later, taking me by surprise. Aiden and Kayla follow behind, and we resume eating as though there’s been no interruption.
If Nicole has indeed spoken to Aiden about going easier on me then it’s made no difference and the next hour passes painfully slowly. I try to focus on Kayla, but the whole time she’s either clambering onto Nicole’s nap or begging Aiden to swing her up in the air.
‘It’s time for your nap now, young lady,’ Nicole says once we’ve finished our food. She turns to me. ‘And then the three of us can talk.’
Aiden grunts something, and again Nicole serves him with another scowl before whisking Kayla upstairs.
‘I know this must make you feel very uncomfortable,’ I say to Aiden. ‘But I’m not going away. I want to be in her life and nothing’s going to stop that.’
Aiden stares at me. ‘And have you stopped – just for one second – to consider how this is going to work? Do you think we can just suddenly say, “Hey, Kayla, Eve is actually your mum. Surprise!”’
‘No, of course not!’
‘What then? You tell me how this can possibly work!’
‘I… don’t know exactly. Maybe we can get a counsellor involved or something? To help us work out the best way forward?’
‘There is no way any of this can be good for Kayla. No way!’ He’s raising his voice now, forgetting to keep it low so that we’re not overheard.
‘Neither is denying I’m her mother, keeping the truth about who she is from her. That’s not—’
A scream from upstairs cuts me off. It’s Kayla – something’s happened. Jumping from my seat, I rush into the hallway, heading for the stairs, not caring that it’s Aiden’s house. He follows behind me, trying his best to get past me.
Nicole is sitting at the top of the stairs, doubled over, clutching her stomach. Not Kayla then. Kayla is okay at least. But Nicole needs help.
Aiden finally gets past me and flies up the stairs, kneeling in front of Nicole. ‘Are you okay? What’s happened?’
She looks up at him, her eyes wide and frightened, and even from further down the stairs I can see the tears sliding down her cheeks. ‘Something’s wrong… my stomach… it hurts so much.’
‘Let me help you downstairs.’ Aiden gently guides her down to the living room, and Nicole collapses on the floor, clutching her stomach.
‘You need to get her to the hospital,’ I say.
Flustered, Aiden reaches for his mobile. ‘I’ll call an ambulance.’
‘No,’ Nicole manages to say, ‘I don’t need an ambulance.’
I lean down beside her. ‘Nicole, has this happened before? Do you know what it could be?’
She shakes her head.
‘I think you really need to get to A&E. I would take you but I didn’t drive here today.’
Nicole lifts her head and turns to Aiden. ‘Can you take me?’
‘Of course, but what about Kayla? I’ll go and wake her up.’
‘No, Aiden.’ Nicole turns to me. ‘Can you stay here with her?’
Even though she’s talking to me now, it takes me a moment to register what she’s asking, what it means.
‘Yes, I… of course I can.’
‘No way,’ Aiden chimes in. ‘We can’t leave Kayla here with Eve. That’s insane!’
Nicole gasps. ‘We’re not waking her up to drag her to the hospital. I could be there for hours! Eve will be okay looking after her.’
Aiden stares at me before turning his attention back to Nicole, writhing around on the floor. ‘No. I’ll call your mum,’ he says. ‘She’ll come.’
Nicole’s skin turns paler by the second, and she lets out a groan. ‘It will take her too long to get here. And I think she’s out today. Please, Aiden, can we just go? Now!’
‘Kayla will be fine,’ I say. ‘When she wakes up, I’ll just tell her you’ll be back soon and we’re going to have some fun and play some games. She’ll be fine, Aiden.’
‘She doesn’t even know you! You’re a stranger to her!’
‘Aiden, please.’ Nicole’s voice is strained. ‘I need to go now!’
Helping Nicole up, Aiden finally acquiesces. ‘You’ll need to keep checking on her as the baby monitor’s broken.’ He’s talking to me but refuses to look in my direction. ‘Her room’s the first on the right at the top of the stairs. I’ll call from the hospital and tell you where everything is. She’ll need a snack when she wakes up.’ He shakes his head. ‘I don’t bloody like this.’
‘Aiden, please!’ Nicole pleads. ‘We need to go now, it’s getting worse.’
When they’ve gone, leaving me alone with Kayla in their house, despite hoping that Nicole will be okay, I can’t help but marvel at how fate has once again conspired to bring me closer to my daughter.
I leave it half an hour before I check on Kayla, and in that time I don’t move from the sofa. It feels like a violation to walk around their house, to take in their belongings and form a picture of how they live, especially when Nicole is in hospital. And she is the reason I’m here, after all. She is the one who has helped me. I pray that she’ll be okay.
Standing by her door, I listen to the sounds of Kayla’s steady breathing. The blinds are down in her room, so I can only make out her outline, but being here with her fills me with warmth. It is so different from the last time I would have watched her sleeping. I didn’t think I could love you then, Kayla, but now I know that there is no way I can’t. No way in hell will I let you go again.
Instead of going back downstairs, I close her door again and sit at the top of the stairs, close enough that I will hear when she awakes.
It’s another hour before she does, and when I go in to get her up, explaining where Aiden and Nicole are, she bursts into tears.
‘Mummy!’ she screams. ‘I want my mummy!’