Aiden arrives home by himself, walking into the living room to find Kayla cuddled up to me, fast asleep. He stares at us, taking in the unusual scene, and I wait for him to rush over and grab her away.
‘How’s Nicole doing?’ I ask, checking the time. He’s been gone for five hours. That can’t be good.
He doesn’t try to take Kayla but flops onto the sofa, a different man from the one who left this house earlier. ‘Not very well. They can’t work out what’s going on. It’s not her appendix, and they couldn’t scan her today so they’re hoping they can do it tomorrow. She told me to come home.’
I gesture to Kayla. ‘She was so upset that you both weren’t here, but I managed to calm her down eventually. It took a long time but I was able to distract her and then we played for ages. I didn’t know what to do for her dinner, so I made her boiled egg and toasted soldiers. It’s what Mum always told me I used to like as a toddler.’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘And she actually ate it? She never eats eggs.’
‘Not all of it but she did okay. Sorry she’s not in bed. I didn’t want to wake her by transferring her upstairs.’
‘It’s okay. I’ll carry her up in a minute.’ He buries his head in his hands. ‘What if it’s something they can’t cure?’
‘Don’t think like that, Aiden. They’ll get to the bottom of it and whatever it is, they’ll give her the treatment she needs.’
He stares at me, his expression unreadable, and I prepare myself for an attack.
‘You’re right.’ Standing up he leans down to extract Kayla from my arms.
As he carries her off, it occurs to me that Aiden is being civil to me. All the anger seems to have dissipated like air from a burst balloon. I wouldn’t go so far as to say there is warmth there, but something has definitely changed.
‘Can I do anything?’ I ask when he comes back downstairs.
‘No. I’m used to being on my own. Kayla and I will manage until Nicole’s back home and feeling well again.’ He glances at me, then stares at the floor. ‘Thanks for helping, though.’
‘You don’t have to thank me, she’s—’ I stop myself before I say something that will remind Aiden that he doesn’t want me around.
‘It’s late and I’m tired,’ he says, ‘and it feels a bit weird you being here. It did earlier too, but now it’s even… stranger.’
Standing up, I tell him I understand. I’m desperate to ask him when I can see Kayla again, but now is not the time. This is progress, I tell myself. Don’t push it.
‘How’s Jackie?’ Aiden asks, his question coming from nowhere. Aiden always liked Mum, so I shouldn’t be too surprised that he’s asking after her.
‘She’s… doing as well as it’s possible given her dementia.’
His eyes widen. ‘Oh, I had no idea. After you left, I tried to talk to her, to see if she knew where you were, but she wouldn’t answer. And she never returned my calls. And then suddenly her house was up for sale.’
Despite the awkwardness of our situation, I find myself telling Aiden all about Mum. How there was a final incident where she nearly set her house on fire and wasn’t safe to live on her own any more. How the doctors were quite surprised because she was only in her mid-sixties, and because it escalated so quickly. ‘She was in hospital for a while and then she lived with me for around a year until I had to… well, she went into a home just for respite care but they recommended that she stay there.’
‘You mean you gave up on her, just like you did on your daughter.’
His anger has resurfaced; I should have known it would.
‘No, it wasn’t like that. I had to work and I was struggling to look after her. I—’
‘And she didn’t ask about Kayla? About your husband?’
‘She was in hospital for so long, and I just made excuses, and then she just… seemed to forget about you. Forget that I had a family. I’m not proud of this, Aiden, and I tried to talk to her at times but then she’d forget again.’
He doesn’t say anything, once more becoming impossible to read. It used to be that I could tell what he was feeling; now he seems just as numb as I am, except when Kayla and Nicole are around. It’s time for me to go home; I’m just going to make things worse by staying here any longer.
Aiden sees me to the door, and I step out into the night.
‘I won’t let you take my daughter away from me,’ he says, pulling the door closed.
Someone is sitting on my doorstep when I get home. A small genderless figure covered up by a hooded top and loose jogging bottoms. Assuming it’s someone waiting for my downstairs neighbour, I give a small nod and fumble in my bag for my keys.
‘Miss, it’s me.’
I instantly recognise Maya’s voice and do a double take. ‘Maya! Are you okay?’
She stands up. ‘Sorry, I’ve been waiting here. You told me once you don’t really go out that much, so I assumed you’d be home eventually.’
‘You shouldn’t be out here alone at night.’
‘I had nowhere else to go. Everything’s just… a big mess.’
‘Come inside,’ I tell her. ‘We can talk properly in there.’
‘Thanks, miss.’
‘Maya, don’t you think it’s time you started calling me Eve?’
She laughs, but the sound dies abruptly in her mouth the second it’s uttered.
‘I’m sorry I missed my session yesterday,’ Maya says as soon as we’re inside my flat. ‘And for not returning your calls.’
‘I was really worried about you. It’s just not like you.’ I cross to the kitchen and fetch her a glass of water.
‘Thanks. I can’t believe you came to my house to see if I was okay. Teachers don’t normally do stuff like that, do they?’
‘Probably not, but this is a bit of a different situation. You’re pregnant, Maya, I’m just looking out for you.’
Her unblinking eyes stare at me, and it feels as if she’s reading far too much of me, seeing too deeply into my mind, even though I know that’s impossible. Paranoia. That’s what this is.
‘What did you say to my mum?’ she asks, staring at the floor.
Her aggressive tone is one I don’t recognise coming from her. My stomach lurches, forcing me to get ready for an attack. ‘I only said you hadn’t been feeling well during our last session, so I was worried about you.’
‘Really? That’s it? You didn’t say anything else?’
‘Maya, what’s going on?’
‘My parents know,’ she says, standing up and walking towards the window. I haven’t yet had a chance to pull the blinds down and the street light casts an orange glow onto her skin.
‘I’m sorry to hear that. I promise you it didn’t come from me, though. I’d never do that, Maya, it’s not my business to discuss with anyone.’
‘Well, somehow they know. And it seems a coincidence that it was straight after your visit.’ She turns to face me.
‘Did they say it was me who told them?’
She shrugs, turning away once more. ‘No, but only because they were too angry to care about where the info came from. Too busy having a go at me.’
I recall the conversation I had with Maya’s mother yesterday; nothing she said suggested she would be the type of parent who would turn against her daughter for getting pregnant at eighteen. She only came across as kind and loving, someone who would never let her children down. Have I misread the situation? It wouldn’t be the first time my instinct has let me down.
I head over to the window and ask her to look at me. ‘I’m so sorry that’s happened. Who else knew and could have told them? Could it have been Connor?’ The argument they had in the street plays through my mind; clearly something isn’t right between the two of them.
‘He would never do that,’ she says, still staring out of the window.
I shrug; this time I have truth on my side. ‘Then I don’t know what to suggest. It’s possible your mum just worked it out. Mothers often have an intuition about their children.’
‘You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?’
The floor shifts beneath me and I feel my knees buckle, fear threading through my veins. ‘What does that mean?’
‘Who the hell are you?’ she says. ‘Are you even a real teacher?’
‘Of course I am. Maya, what are you talking about?’ But I know exactly what she means.
‘You told my mum you have a daughter.’ She gestures around the flat. ‘Where is she then? Where’s this daughter? You don’t have one, do you?’
For over two years I’ve known this moment would come; a time when I’d be caught out and someone would confront me with the lie that I am. Yet despite this, I am unprepared, speechless and struggling to breathe.
I cross to the sofa and sink into it, closing my eyes for a moment. It would be easier to pile another lie on top of the one I’m already living and tell Maya it was a niece I was talking about, not a daughter, but I’m not going to deny Kayla any longer. ‘Sit down, please,’ I tell Maya, my voice firm and resolute. I have to take back control of this situation.
She must sense something has shifted because she does as I ask and joins me on the sofa.
‘I do have a daughter. Her name is Kayla and she’s two and a half.’
Maya’s mouth drops. I don’t think she expected me to open up so easily. ‘I don’t understand,’ she says. ‘Where is she?’
And that’s when I tell her. Everything except the part that I will never speak aloud to anyone. There are tears sliding down Maya’s cheeks by the time I’ve finished; a reaction I haven’t anticipated.
‘I never even thought about that happening,’ she says. ‘It must have been horrible. I can’t even…’ She swipes at her eyes and shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry I made you… talk about this.’
‘I hadn’t meant to blurt it out to your mum,’ I explain. ‘I think it just came out because Kayla’s right here in my head all the time, and I know I’ve got a fight ahead of me.’
‘I hope you get her back,’ she says, and for a few minutes the two of us sit in silence.
I have no idea what thoughts are coursing through her head, but she’s still here, she’s not leaving, so I comfort myself with that.
‘Talking to you has really helped,’ she says after a while. ‘Thank you.’
‘Maya, my life isn’t yours. I had problems after having my baby, but that doesn’t mean you will.’
She nods. ‘I know you’re right. I think I just needed to weigh everything up from all angles. It’s good to do that, right? Before making such an important decision.’
‘Of course.’
‘I can’t believe this is happening. I had my life all figured out. Uni, travelling, career. What’s happened to me?’
I grab her hand. ‘I wish I had an answer for you. I’m sorry you’re going through all this, but you will work it out and do what’s right for you. Things always turn out okay in the end, even though it might not feel as though they will.’
‘Do they?’ She stares at me with her wide, dark eyes. ‘Isn’t that only in books? I don’t think I believe in happy endings any more, miss. My parents hate me and I’m constantly fighting with my boyfriend. I don’t even feel connected to my friends any more. They’re not pregnant. They’re living their lives while I’m throwing up every day. I can’t do this any more!’
I tell her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do and let her cry onto my shoulder. Is this what it’s like having a daughter, I think as I try to stop her shaking. And soon enough, I will do this for Kayla whenever she needs me.
Eventually Maya’s sobbing subsides and she begins to calm down. I ask her if she’s ready to go back home, and she shakes her head.
‘No way. I can’t face them. And I can’t go to Connor’s either.’
My offer comes without any internal debate, because I know what it’s like to feel so isolated, for there to be no one you can turn to. ‘You can stay here tonight. I’ll make my bed up for you with fresh sheets, and I’ll sleep on the sofa.’
‘Thank you. You don’t have to do that,’ she says.
‘Have a break from everything tonight. You’ll be able to face things in the morning and nothing will seem as bad as it does now.’
Maya nods, and I leave to go and sort my bedroom out for her.
In the morning, I knock on my bedroom door and ask Maya if she’d like some breakfast.
There’s no answer, and when I gently push open the door, I see that she’s gone, the bed neatly made.
And no sign that she was ever here.