With no tutoring sessions booked in, I’m free to replay the events of yesterday; how distraught Kayla was when it dawned on her that Aiden and Nicole weren’t there. ‘I want Mummy!’ she’d cried repeatedly. Followed by, ‘Where’s Daddy?’ Her sadness almost broke me, and all I wanted to do was hold her tightly and comfort her. I kept my distance, though, instead distracting her with silly faces and funny games. But in Kayla’s mind, and in her heart, Nicole is her mother. It was just through sheer tiredness that she happened to fall asleep on me.
This is what I think about as I clear away paperwork and make a half-hearted attempt at tidying the flat. As I strip the sheets off the bed, I wonder why Maya left without saying anything.
I send Nicole a text message to see how she is, but even after an hour there is no reply.
Jamie FaceTimes as I sit down to eat breakfast, his unshaven face filling the screen so I can’t help but notice the large dark circles under his eyes.
‘How’s your mum?’ I ask.
He shakes his head. ‘Not too good. She’s not speaking very well, slurring her words and stuttering, but the doctors have said that’s to be expected after a stroke.’
‘I’m so sorry, Jamie. That’s definitely what it was, then?’
‘Yeah, looks like it.’ He flicks his eyes to the ceiling. ‘It’s so weird. I mean, you know your parents are getting older and things could happen but when it actually does it’s still a shock. It’s bloody awful.’
Now is the time to tell him I understand this, that I live with it every day. Perhaps explaining about Mum will bring us closer together. Maybe that is what I want. But then how do I tell him about Kayla? About who I really am. It’s such a huge thing to withhold. And where will it lead?
‘My mum’s in a care home,’ I say. This is safe ground, this is all I have to tell him for the moment, and maybe sharing my story will help him in some way. ‘She lived with me for a while until I just couldn’t manage any more. I couldn’t keep her safe no matter what I did. She kept disappearing and putting herself in danger. It broke me to do it but it was the safest thing.’
On my phone screen, Jamie’s eyes widen. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I had no idea.’ There is no accusation there, no why didn’t you mention this before? and I’m grateful for this.
‘It makes you realise, doesn’t it?’ he continues, ‘that we never know what’s about to happen to us in the next minute. I need to start living my life more. What’s it they say? Carpe diem. Seize the day or something like that.’
‘Actually, I think it means pluck the day, but that doesn’t sound as good, does it?’
Jamie laughs. ‘Trust you to know that. I can tell you’re an English teacher.’
Maybe he does understand me a tiny bit. For these last three months he must have been paying attention, even while I deliberately wasn’t.
‘Seize does sound better,’ he says. ‘And that’s what I’m going to do. When I get back let’s do something different. Go somewhere we’ve never been. Have a real experience. Together.’
I don’t hesitate this time. ‘I’d like that.’
‘Let me think of something we can do, then,’ Jamie says. He’s clearly perked up in the last couple of minutes, and even the dark circles underlining his eyes appear to have shrunk. ‘Anyway, I’d better go. Dad wants to go for a walk while Mum’s sleeping. I’ll probably drive back home tomorrow, or the day after. One of my sisters is on her way from France, and she can stay for as long as necessary. God help Mum! Amy’s a complete nightmare and will be more trouble than she is help.’ He lets out a deep breath which turns into a whistle. ‘I wish I could stay up here longer, but there’s nobody to cover at work this week. I’ll text you later, okay?’
Once he’s gone, I call Aiden. Even though he won’t like it, I have to check how Nicole is. And it worries me that she hasn’t replied to my message. He answers just as I’m about to give up.
‘Eve,’ he says, ‘I can’t talk now.’
‘I was just calling to see how Nicole is?’
In the background a scream erupts, and Aiden muffles the phone.
‘Is that Kayla? What’s going on?’
‘I said I can’t talk right now,’ he hisses.
‘Is Kayla okay?’
‘She’s fine. She’s just upset. She wants Nicole and doesn’t understand why she’s not here.’
‘So she’s still in hospital?’
‘Yes, and I was supposed to be at work over an hour ago.’
‘I’ll come over and help,’ I say, already standing up to gather my things. ‘Traffic shouldn’t be too bad now, so I can be there in about forty minutes.’
‘No. No way. We’ll manage.’
‘How? Nicole’s mum is away and your parents are in Scotland. Sophie’s at work, so who else is there?’
‘I do have other friends, Eve.’
‘Can they come right now?’
Silence.
‘Right, I’m leaving now.’ I hang up before he can say another word; I’m not going to miss this opportunity.
Aiden scowls as he opens the door. Thankfully, Kayla is clinging to his leg so he stays quiet and lets me in. In her other hand she clutches her bunny.
‘Hi, Kayla, I’m here to look after you for a little bit while your daddy goes to work.’
She stares at me and nods. ‘My mummy’s in hop-sit-al,’ she says, and I can’t help but smile at her pronunciation.
Crouching down to her level, I take her hand. ‘Yes, she is. And the doctors are making her all better so she can come home very soon to be with you.’
I stand up again and face Aiden. ‘Is there any news?’
‘Her scan’s in an hour, so hopefully they’ll know more then.’ He ruffles Kayla’s hair. ‘We need to brush this, don’t we?’
‘I can do that,’ I say, but Aiden has already turned away, leading Kayla into the kitchen.
Following them inside and closing the front door behind me, I notice the mess and clutter that has spread through the house since Nicole hasn’t been here; a sure sign that he needs her around.
In the kitchen, Aiden brushes Kayla’s hair. She’s still got hold of her bunny and she strokes its ears. ‘This is Flopsy,’ she says, holding it up to me. ‘Mummy got her for me.’
I lean forward and take a close look. ‘She’s lovely, I wonder if she wants some breakfast?’
Kayla’s eyes light up. ‘Yippee! Let’s make it.’ She points to a small toy kitchen in the corner of the room. I didn’t notice it the last time I was here, although that’s hardly surprising when I felt so overwhelmed in this house. Somehow today it feels different, as if I might actually fit in here. It’s too early to assume I can just slot into Kayla’s life, though, but for now I will live in this moment.
‘Kayla,’ Aiden says, ‘can you find Flopsy’s hat? I think it’s in your room.’ He puts down her hairbrush, and she rushes off.
‘Just so you know,’ he continues, turning to me, ‘I’m not happy about this at all. But all I can think about right now is Nicole so…’
‘Kayla will be fine with me, Aiden. Just like she was the other night.’
‘This doesn’t change anything,’ he says, gathering his wallet and keys and stuffing them into his pocket.
‘You don’t have to be so angry with me all the time, Aiden. Can’t we just try to move forward?’ I whisper this because I can hear Kayla thundering down the stairs.
He ignores me. ‘This won’t be for long. Nicole will be fine and then—’
‘Daddy! Got it!’ Kayla flies into the room, waving a small yellow hat above her head. She fumbles around trying to place it on the bunny, but it continually slides off.
‘Let me help,’ I say, and Kayla nods.
‘Bye, sweetheart,’ Aiden says, kissing her forehead.
And then he is gone, and I am alone with my daughter. Nobody watching over us.
It feels like only minutes have passed before Aiden is opening the front door and calling Kayla’s name. His face drops when I appear in the hallway alone.
‘We’re playing hide and seek,’ I explain. ‘Kayla’s hiding in the kitchen.’
He nods and peels off his jacket, dumping it on the shoe cabinet instead of hanging it on a hook. In his haste to get to the kitchen he doesn’t notice it drop to the floor.
‘She’s fine, Aiden. Everything’s been fine,’ I say to his back. I don’t tell him that I also found time to tidy the house. As distraught as he is, perhaps he will never notice.
Kayla squeals when she realises Aiden is home, and I loiter in the hallway to give them a moment together. I’m grateful that the two of them have such a strong bond, that he has given her a good life in spite of me.
I stay where I am and close my eyes, allowing the sound of laughter to wrap around me, to lift me up. I know this serenity will only last a moment.
Kayla rushes into the hallway, snapping me back to the present. ‘Eve, Eve, Daddy’s home!’
‘Yes, that’s good, isn’t it?’
She nods and grabs my hand, shocking me with how tiny and soft her own hand feels. I’m not used to this. The only children I have anything to do with are my students, all of whom are years older than Kayla. ‘Come and see my daddy!’
In the kitchen, Aiden is rooting through the fridge, while Kayla runs through the open back door into the garden. ‘I visited Nicole in my lunch break so I could come straight home to Kayla.’
‘How’s she doing?’
‘Tired and in a lot of pain. We have to wait for her results, but she’s going to be all right, I know it.’
I nod. ‘I’m happy to hear that. Look, I’ll get going now and leave you to it. Unless you need me for anything?’
He shrugs and doesn’t look up. ‘I suppose you can stay for some food. If you’re hungry.’
I try to contain my surprise. ‘Are you sure? I don’t want to get in the way.’
‘Stay or don’t stay. Whichever.’
This is as good as I’m going to get from him. ‘I will, then. Thanks.’
He frowns. ‘Judging by the contents of this fridge, it will have to be spag bol.’
I tell him this sounds good, and he snorts.
‘Really? You never used to like it. You always said that any kind of pasta is dull.’
‘Well, maybe I’m a different person now.’ I wish I could make him see that.
He raises his eyes. ‘I’ll just put Kayla to bed first.’
‘Can I do it?’ The second I ask I know it’s a mistake, that I’m pushing him too far, too soon.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. What will Kayla think if I let some stranger put her to bed when her dad’s right here?’
I stare at him, smarting from his cruelty, even though I understand it. ‘I’m not a stranger, Aiden.’ My voice is a whisper, despite Kayla being at the back of the garden, too far away to hear us.
Watching our daughter from the window, he ignores me again. ‘I really don’t need this,’ he mutters to himself.
‘What about if I just came upstairs with you? I’d love to see her proper bedtime routine.’ My heart thuds in my chest; I’m desperate for him to agree, to let me in just a fraction.
Seconds fly by without any response from Aiden, until eventually he heads to the door and calls out. ‘Come on, Kayla, it’s bedtime now and Eve’s going to help us.’
Kayla runs to the door and jumps into Aiden’s arms. ‘Can she read me a story? I want The Gruffalo.’
Aiden raises his eyebrows, clearly as surprised as I am. ‘Yes, of course,’ he says, heading out of the kitchen with our daughter in his arms.
Later, once Kayla’s asleep, we sit down to eat. To start with, Aiden’s frosty silence makes it a bizarre experience: we are two people who can’t speak to each other sharing a meal together. But by the time we’ve finished, it feels as though Aiden has warmed to me – even if only a fraction – and we find ourselves discussing friends we used to know. Laughing even. As if time has erased itself.
‘Hi.’
I turn and Nicole is standing in the doorway.
Aiden’s cheeks redden, and he quickly stands, stumbling over his words. ‘Nic, are you okay? What’s happened? You’re supposed to be in the hospital.’ He rushes over to her and gently hugs her.
‘I discharged myself. I couldn’t stand to be in that place for another second.’ She turns from Aiden to me. ‘I’m guessing Aiden needed you to babysit? Thank you so much for helping, Eve. I really appreciate it.’
Aiden frowns. ‘But you need to wait for your results. I can’t believe they let you leave.’
Nicole explains that she had to sign a form to state that she was leaving against the doctor’s recommendation. ‘It’s just to cover themselves. I’ll be fine.’ She turns to me. ‘Is someone going to get me some food, then?’ She tries to laugh but it obviously hurts her stomach.
‘You need to sit down,’ Aiden says. ‘There’s no spaghetti left but I’ll get you something else.’
‘I was only joking, I’m not actually hungry. Stop fussing.’
I need to explain my presence here to Nicole, even though nothing about her suggests she is jumping to any wrong conclusions. ‘I came over this morning to watch Kayla so Aiden could go to work. He didn’t want me to but he was desperate.’
Aiden takes Nicole’s hand. ‘She’s right. I didn’t have much choice.’
‘I’m glad you could come,’ Nicole says. ‘It’s the right thing for Kayla.’
‘She’s missed you so much,’ Aiden says, kissing Nicole’s forehead.
Nicole nods. ‘I’ll have to spoil her tomorrow. Take her somewhere nice.’
‘You’re not going anywhere until we find out what’s wrong,’ Aiden says. ‘I’m taking the day off work so I can look after both of you.’
‘Let’s just see how I feel in the morning.’
I tell them both I need to get back to my flat. ‘I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to come home, Nicole. Please let me know if I can help with anything.’
‘Thank you so much, Eve.’
Neither of them sees me to the door, and as I walk away I can’t help but feel disappointed that Nicole came home early.