‘She’s beautiful. Such a doll. She looks just like you, Eve.’
Aiden’s mother is standing over Kayla’s cot, gazing down at her with a smile that’s ready to burst from her face. This is the first time she’s met Kayla and all she’s done since she arrived is gawp at her, repeatedly telling me how much she is my doppelganger. It’s bizarre how much people love to comment on who a baby looks like, as if it is a huge shock that they could actually resemble their parents. Still, I’m grateful that Marie and Pete are here.
‘And she definitely has Aiden’s ears, don’t you think? His were exactly the same when he was little. Sticking out just ever so slightly! So cute!’ She guffaws and reaches down to stroke Kayla’s cheek.
Don’t wake her up! I need her to keep sleeping.
Marie’s attachment to her granddaughter was immediate – an unbreakable bond – yet here I am still waiting for love to overwhelm me.
At least for the next week I will have company, and perhaps that will help me to feel normal again. Maybe Marie will be able to comfort Kayla where I can’t.
Marie finally turns away from Kayla and looks me up and down. ‘Are you okay, Eve? You look exhausted. You know, you must rest while Pete and I are here. We may have only brought Aiden home when he was seven months old, but I can imagine how hard these early days are. Anyway, we’re here to help and do whatever you need us to do.’ She reaches out her arms, and I turn away, pretending I haven’t noticed. I can’t bear to be hugged by anyone.
‘Thank you, Marie. We’re so grateful for your help.’ I need Marie to think I have everything under control, that everything is normal. Thankfully, I managed to clean the house before they arrived, even though it meant leaving Kayla to scream in her bouncer. Keeping her close to me, where she could see me, made no difference. It never does.
‘Where’s my little angel, then?’ Pete’s voice booms into the room, and in her cot Kayla stirs.
‘Shhh, keep your voice down, she’s asleep!’ Marie tuts.
‘Oops, sorry. I’m just excited to see her.’ Pete steps into the room. ‘Ah, there she is – sleeping beauty. So angelic, isn’t she?’
Yes, because she’s asleep. Wait until she wakes up and then you will see a different baby.
Pete embraces me. ‘Lovely to see you, Eve. Sorry we couldn’t come sooner. Marie’s been champing at the bit to get here. Driving me crazy!’
Marie slaps him gently on the arm. ‘Of course I’ve been desperate to see Kayla. She’s my first grandchild.’
And last from us, I almost say. Definitely the last.
Pete winks at me. ‘Don’t expect to see your baby for the next week, love!’
His words lift me up, release me. What’s wrong with me? Most new mothers would be terrified of their newborn baby being whisked off by their mother-in-law, yet I am already desperate for Marie to take over with Kayla.
‘Although you do look like you could do with some rest,’ Pete adds.
Marie nods. ‘She does. Tell you what, how about when Aiden gets home from work the two of you go out for dinner by yourselves? We’ll watch Kayla and put her to bed. Oh, I know you don’t want to leave her but it will do you the world of good, so I won’t take no for an answer.’ She smiles, satisfied that she’s got everything all planned out.
I pretend to mull this over, to be struggling with saying yes. ‘Well, okay, I guess it couldn’t hurt for an hour or two. If you’re sure?’
‘Take as long as you need. All you have to do is show us where everything is and we’ll be fine. Stay out all night if you want to.’
‘This feels weird, doesn’t it?’ Aiden says, lifting his glass of wine and staring at it as if he’s unsure what to do with it. ‘I keep turning to see where Kayla is.’ He takes a sip. ‘It’s nice to be out for a change, though, isn’t it?’
He has no idea just how true that is for me. I feel like I can breathe again as the tension drains from my body. Now, for a couple of hours at least, only Aiden and I exist. ‘How’s work?’ I ask. I have to steer him off the subject of Kayla. ‘Sorry I never have a chance to ask you properly.’
‘It’s a bit stressful at the moment. The restructuring means everything’s up in the air and it’s creating a lot of uncertainty. I know I’ll be okay, but I feel bad for everyone who won’t be.’
This is news to me. How can I not be aware of something so important going on with Aiden? My anxiety has overwhelmed me so much that I haven’t paused for even a second to listen to what Aiden has been telling me.
‘I’m sorry, I know you told me, I just—’
‘Hey, it’s fine. You’ve been busy with Kayla, and I know it’s all-consuming at the moment.’
Yes, but it’s not the endless cycle of changing nappies, feeding and winding – it’s the fact that I can’t seem to love my daughter. I wish I could tell Aiden this, put it out there once and for all and share my truth. But I can’t do that to him; he is happy and I won’t strip that from him. ‘It’s no excuse for not listening to you,’ I say.
He takes my hand. ‘Listen, you’ve given me Kayla, the most amazing gift I could ask for, so I’m not going to moan about you not listening when I drone on about work.’
Our food comes, and I savour every mouthful of my risotto, relishing the fact that I can eat without being interrupted, without having to hurry. I don’t want this evening to end. I want us to be the people we were before we wanted to be parents.
Then my phone rings, shattering the peace in my mind. I leave it in my bag, try to buy myself a few moments to think of an excuse for not answering.
Opposite me, Aiden is frowning. ‘Aren’t you going to get that?’
‘No, this is our special night.’
‘It could be your mum, though.’
He’s right. I at least need to check to see. I reach into my bag, but thankfully the phone stops ringing. I check it, the broken screen still clear enough to read. My stomach plummets when I see that number again. ‘It’s not Mum,’ I say. ‘Just one of those nuisance numbers.’
‘So annoying,’ Aiden says, focusing on his food once again.
And now I need to do the same, as difficult as it is. ‘I’ve had an idea,’ I say, leaning forward. ‘Why don’t we go away, just for a couple of nights? It doesn’t have to be anywhere too far. It would be nice to get out of London for a change, wouldn’t it?’
Aiden’s eyes widen. ‘I don’t know… Kayla’s a bit young, don’t you think? And she’s still not a great sleeper. It might be a bit difficult doing all the night feeds away from home.’
‘Actually, I meant just the two of us. Your mum and dad could babysit – they’d love that. I mean, Marie practically forced us out tonight, didn’t she? I think she would love any chance she could get to have Kayla on her own.’
I wait for Aiden to smile, but it doesn’t come. Instead, a frown appears on his forehead. He’s supposed to look happy, relieved that I’ve suggested this. He’s not meant to be staring at me as if I’m trying to convince him to give Kayla away to the people at the next table.
‘I don’t know, Eve. Leaving her for a couple of hours when she’s asleep at night is a bit different from going away for a few days. We can’t – she’s too young. What if she freaks out and thinks we’ve abandoned her?’
And with his words I plummet to the ground. How stupid I’ve been to hope that just for a short space of time I could escape. ‘You’re right,’ I say, fighting back not tears but rage. ‘We can’t leave her. I don’t know what I was thinking.’
Before Aiden says anything else, I excuse myself to go to the toilets, rushing into a cubicle where I slam my fists against the wall. I stare at the toilet and imagine smashing my head against it until there is nothing left of me and no more pain left to feel.
‘Are you okay?’ Aiden asks when I get back to the table. ‘I was about to send out a search party.’
‘I just felt a bit nauseous,’ I explain. ‘Better now, though.’
‘Good. Maybe your food was a bit off? Ha, if I didn’t know any better I’d wonder if it was morning sickness, but, well…’
I’m grateful that he doesn’t finish this thought. I don’t need him to remind me that for so long now I’ve been too exhausted for any kind of intimacy.
‘Shall we get dessert?’ I’m not hungry but neither am I ready to go home yet. I need this moment to last as long as possible.
‘Never say no to dessert,’ Aiden says, grinning. How quickly he’s able to move on from anything negative in our lives. How does he not see that everything is falling apart?
I’ve bought us some more time here in this restaurant, but the minutes tick by loudly in my head; a constant reminder that this time will soon be over.
On the way home, while Aiden drives the short distance to our house, I close my eyes and pray that I never have to wake up.