Nearly three months have passed since Kayla was taken. We don’t speak of her as missing; that doesn’t accurately describe what she is. All the evidence points to Nicole having taken her, especially as no one has seen her since.
At first questions were raised: how is it possible that a child can be taken from her childminder so easily in broad daylight? I feel sorry for Amy – a young woman who’d only just set up her own business – because I know she blames herself. It wasn’t her fault, though. Kayla saw someone she knew and ran to her. We know it was a woman, and that she had on a denim jacket like the one Nicole had been wearing all summer – and by the time Amy knew what was going on it was too late. They were gone.
Aiden and I are convinced it was Nicole, even though the police can’t track her down. How can people just disappear from the face of the earth? Especially in a world with such advanced technology. Yet that seems to be what’s happened. At least it gives us hope that Kayla is safe. Neither of us can bring ourselves to believe that Nicole would harm her, although the possibility constantly hangs in the air – a huge question mark, a darkness that has become our constant companion.
The emails haven’t stopped, and now there are also silent phone calls, so I know that Kayla’s disappearance is unrelated. This at least brings a minuscule amount of relief.
In the beginning I threw questions at Aiden: why would Nicole take her when she was living with you anyway? What was going on in your relationship that she would do this?
It took him a while to open up to me, but then he finally admitted that Nicole had been acting strangely since I showed up. She’d become cold towards him, as if there was something weighing her down. He was too consumed with keeping Kayla from me to pay enough attention to it, though, and now it’s too late. I told him that she’d said something similar about him, that time when she came to my flat and confided in me that she and Aiden weren’t getting along.
‘There’s something else,’ he told me. ‘Nicole was the one who smashed your car up. I’m so sorry, but I didn’t tell you because I wanted to protect her. I should have known she was on the edge.’ At least that puzzle has been answered.
Even though it’s been so many weeks since Kayla was taken, Aiden is only now beginning to trust me again. Slowly. He barely spoke to me to start with, but then he must have come to realise that I am the only person who shares the same love for Kayla that he does, in spite of my time away from her. It probably helped that he was with me when she was taken, so he’ll know it’s not possible that I was involved. I try not to think about that. Instead, I have gradually started allowing myself to enjoy being close to him again, despite the constant anxiety and sadness of our missing girl.
‘Are you sure you’re okay with Sophie coming over?’ Aiden asks me now. ‘I know things aren’t good between you.’
That’s an understatement. Even in Kayla’s absence, Sophie still can’t bring herself to forgive me for anything. This has just given her more ammunition, and she’s tried to convince Aiden that I am the one who took Kayla.
‘Think about it,’ she’d said to him, ‘you and Nicole had told her to stay away from you all and then suddenly Kayla’s missing. Look what she’s done before. I wouldn’t put anything past her.’
I forgive Sophie for this, though. ‘She’s done so much to try and help find Kayla,’ I tell Aiden now. ‘It’s only right that we both thank her.’
He joins me where I stand, staring through the kitchen doors at the garden Kayla loves to play in, and places his arm across my shoulder. The feel of him is strange: not quite right but not wrong either, a no man’s land.
‘You have every right to be in this house. You’re Kayla’s mother. And it was never really Nicole’s place. She might have chosen furniture and decided where to put things, but I always paid the mortgage by myself. I never asked her for a penny.’
‘Well, she was looking after Kayla, wasn’t she? She couldn’t work.’ Even after what she’s done, I try not to automatically attack Nicole and assume the worst of her. After all, there are always reasons we do what we do, even if others can’t understand them.
The doorbell rings, and my stomach lurches. I stay where I am while Aiden goes to answer, preparing myself to face a firing squad.
Aiden’s voice drifts from the hall. ‘Thanks for coming, Soph.’
Then Sophie’s. ‘You don’t have to thank me. I’m just so sorry this is happening to you.’ There’s a pause and the sound of rustling, as if they are hugging. ‘After everything you’ve already been through.’ Another pause. ‘Is she here then?’
She. I’m not someone who deserves to be called by name.
‘I hope you know what you’re doing, Aiden. I can’t say I like it, but I guess I understand.’
‘We’re just Kayla’s parents, sticking together to try to get our girl back. There’s no need to read any more into it. Anyway, Eve’s in the kitchen, come through.’
Here we go. I put on a smile and wait to face, yet again, the woman who was my closest friend.
It’s more of a shock seeing Sophie now, after only three months, than it was after those two years. She’s still dressed smartly, with full hair and make-up, yet there’s something different about her. I stare at her, trying to work out what it is, but I can’t place it. ‘Hi, Sophie.’ Do I hug her? Shake her hand? In the end I keep my arms by my side and do neither, because she’s staying by the door, as far away from me as possible.
‘Eve. You look well. I don’t know how when it’s your daughter who’s missing. I mean, look at Aiden, he’s a mess – no offence – but then I suppose you’re used to not having her around.’ No-nonsense Sophie. Straight to the point.
Aiden jumps to my defence. ‘Sophie, that’s not necessary. Eve’s suffering just as much as I am. She’s just holding it together better. Don’t have a go at her.’
I have to hold it together for your sake, Aiden, because I owe that to you. I won’t let you see me fall apart when you need me to be strong.
Sophie holds up her hands. ‘Okay, okay, I’m sorry. The past doesn’t matter anyway now, does it? We just need to focus on finding Kayla.’ She steps forward into the kitchen. ‘What’s the latest?’
While Aiden fills her in, I put the food together. It’s only a buffet lunch, just like Nicole provided that first time I was invited here. It seemed pointless cooking a big meal; neither Aiden nor I have much of an appetite.
‘I still keep leaving messages on her voicemail every few days, and on Facebook, but she never responds,’ Sophie says while we sit down to force ourselves to eat.
‘No, she’s too clever for that,’ Aiden says. ‘She won’t use her phone or social media because then the police would be able to trace her.’
Sophie nods. ‘Well, the only good thing in all of this is that Nicole loves that little girl. She’d never hurt her.’ She reaches for Aiden’s hand and takes hold of it. I try to ignore the gesture and focus on what she’s just said. She is right, and this is exactly what’s kept me from losing my mind.
‘But she has hurt her, hasn’t she?’ Aiden says. ‘She’s taken her away from me.’ He stares at his plate of food. ‘If Nicole thinks that’s not hurting Kayla, then she’s deluding herself.’
‘I know,’ Sophie agrees. ‘And clearly she’s not in her right state of mind to do something like this, but what do you think tipped her over the edge?’
Aiden’s eyes are on me; I know it even without looking. ‘I don’t know,’ he says, ‘maybe she just… felt threatened.’
Sophie glances at me. ‘By Eve? What do you mean?’
‘If you’re suggesting she thought I was trying to get Aiden back then that’s ridiculous,’ I protest. ‘He hated the sight of me, and Nicole knew that.’
Sophie rolls her eyes. ‘Well, what if she comes back? Changes her mind and realises she’s done something wrong by taking Kayla. This is what she’d come back to.’ She flaps her arms around.
‘There’s nothing going on with us. There wasn’t then and there still isn’t now,’ I insist.
‘But you’re here. And when was the last time you went back to your flat?’ Sophie says.
I ignore her. There are many reasons I don’t want to go back to my flat. In absence of a response, Sophie turns to Aiden. ‘I think you’re making a mistake.’
I try to remain calm. ‘Sophie, I sleep in the spare room. Every night.’
She ignores me. ‘Aiden, I told you this was a bad idea. Maybe you do sleep in different rooms, but only the two of you know that. To the outside world it looks like you’ve shacked up together.’
I stand up. I’m not going to take this abuse from anyone, even Sophie. ‘I’ll be here for as long as Aiden needs me to be. Kayla is our daughter and, like it or not, Sophie, we’re in this together. I walked out on them once, I’m not doing it again. They need me – more than ever.’
Without giving her a chance to respond, I leave the room and rush upstairs to the spare room, closing the door behind me so I can’t hear what they’re saying. I don’t want to know what words Sophie uses when she urges Aiden to cut me out of his life. The fact that my friendship with Sophie is over is already cemented in my head; I don’t need any more proof.
Later, when we’re alone, Aiden tells me that I didn’t have to leave. We’ve just eaten dinner, both of us pushing food around our plates before giving up and leaving it untouched, and now we sit on the sofa with enough space for two people to fit between us.
‘I wanted to give you time with Sophie,’ I say. ‘Besides, I was clearly distracting her and this was meant to be about Kayla. Not that anything does any good. Why haven’t we found her yet, Aiden? I feel like I’m not doing anywhere near enough to get her back.’ Tears splatter onto the velvet cushion I’m clutching.
Aiden nods. ‘I know exactly what you mean. How can we just sit here while she’s gone? It’s not right, Eve. Nothing about this is right. I feel like for all these months we’ve been going full speed to find her and now it seems like there’s nothing left to do. Like the momentum’s been lost. Everything feels like it’s just… stopped.’
I move closer to him, placing my hand on his arm. ‘This is the worst pain imaginable, isn’t it? But we have to keep it together and focus on the one positive thing. Kayla loves Nicole, so even though you’re not there, it won’t be as bad as it could have been if a stranger had taken her. Nicole will probably be telling her some story about you having to work loads or something, or that they’re on a fun holiday. She won’t want to see Kayla upset.’
He forces a smile. ‘I want to believe that. I just can’t say anything for sure any more. You think you know someone, and then…’
‘I know.’ I pause. There’s something I’ve needed to know and now is the time to ask. ‘Aiden, do you blame me for Nicole taking Kayla? If I’d never come back then she wouldn’t have done this and you’d all still be together. Happy.’
Aiden is emphatic in his response. ‘No, of course I don’t because whatever Nicole’s reasons, she made the choice to take Kayla. That’s down to her alone. She could have talked to me, told me how she was feeling. There were so many different choices she could have made.’
Just like I could have done things differently, too. Only sometimes it’s not that easy. ‘Thank you. I needed to hear that.’
Aiden studies my face. ‘You carry around enough guilt, don’t you? Anyway, it’s me who needs to thank you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been here right now. Believe it or not, you’re actually getting me through this.’ There are tears in his eyes as he speaks, something I’d never seen until Nicole took Kayla.
When he reaches for my hand I let him, and we sit in silence as minutes tick by, taking us further away from Kayla but closer to each other. It feels as though something monumental is about to happen between us; I’ve slept here more often than not over the last few months but have never sensed anything like this.
Without any words, Aiden pulls me towards him, and I let him, even though I probably shouldn’t. Our lives are already complicated enough – surely this won’t help. Yet it doesn’t feel wrong when he presses his lips to mine and we find each other for the first time since long before Kayla was born.
Afterwards, when Aiden’s finally sleeping beside me, I stare at him and wonder how any good will come out of what we’ve just done.