‘Are you still attracted to me?’ Aiden asks.
I’m half asleep, my mind frazzled from being up all night with Kayla’s cluster feeding, so perhaps I’ve only imagined that he’s asked me this. Perhaps I should have expected it; I haven’t let him anywhere near me for so long now.
‘Of course I am.’ But am I? I no longer know, and even if I was, it would be impossible to let him anywhere near me. Not since I’ve become this other person; a hollow shell of myself. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I just don’t… you know, before Kayla was born, I was worried something might happen to her if we did anything, and now I’m just so tired all the time.’
He grabs my hand. ‘I know. You’re doing such an amazing job, all day every day on your own. I should try to do more to help. Give you a break.’
‘You’re already doing everything you can. You have to work.’
Aiden leans over me and peers at Kayla, who, miraculously, is fast asleep in her crib. ‘Look at her though. Look at the beautiful being we created.’
My throat dries up and no words come out. I need to agree with him, smile and tell him she’s the most amazing thing that could have happened to us. But nothing comes.
Thankfully, Aiden’s phone rings and I’m relieved to hear it’s his work, calling him in for an emergency meeting.
‘Sorry,’ he says, ‘I thought I’d be able to watch her while you have a shower.’
I muster the biggest smile I can manage. ‘It’s fine, I can pop her in the bouncer so she can see me. She’ll be happy then.’
‘See. Supermum. I told you that you’re amazing.’ Aiden jumps out of bed and throws on a jumper and jeans.
And when he leaves the house, I stand at the window in my pyjamas and watch him drive away, helpless to stop panic and anxiety flood through me.
The rest of the day is okay. I manage. Kayla sleeps a fair amount, and I even doze off myself while she’s napping. The house is fairly clean and tidy, and, somehow, a kind of peace envelops me. Maybe this will be okay after all. I allow myself to hope, but then it happens.
The text comes right in the middle of this hope, shattering my world to a thousand pieces.