It’s taken me by surprise how much I’ve come to enjoy tutoring Justin Foley. I still stand by the fact that he doesn’t need extra help, that he’s one of those kids who could get the highest grades with no revision whatsoever. But if his father wants to splash out on these sessions, and Justin actually wants them, who am I to argue?
Besides, it’s just another thing to take me away from having to face Aiden after I told him I didn’t think I could go through with adoption. At this time, I’d said, because I didn’t want to rule anything out for the future. After all, how do any of us know how we’re going to feel about something given a bit of time? Things alter. People change.
Case in point: Alex Foley. Over the last few weeks, we’ve taken to chatting for a while after I tutor Justin, and he’s gone up in my estimation. He somehow seems more human. Less frustrating. There’s something about being in a person’s home that can make you warm to them and see a side of them you can’t glimpse from short interactions. In fact, I’ve learned things about him that shed light on his overbearing manner, almost make it understandable.
He’s the head of a giant hedge fund company, and with that title comes huge responsibility for people’s money, and for his employers. As well as this, he’s a single father, bringing up Justin alone since his ex-wife moved to Paris for work. ‘She does visit Justin whenever she can,’ he explained, ‘but it means all the day-to-day care is down to me. I won’t get help, though. I’m determined to raise my son myself.’ What’s not to admire about that?
This evening, Justin seems distracted, his eyes darting to the huge Roman numeral clock on the kitchen wall every couple of minutes. I call it a kitchen but this room – which our whole house could fit inside – is more of an everything room. It has a sofa and TV, a dining table, and everything most people have spread throughout their homes. Considering Alex Foley’s job, though, this place isn’t too extravagant. ‘You wouldn’t believe this, but I don’t really care about money,’ he’d told me the first time I came here. ‘They’re so bloody right when they say it doesn’t necessarily bring you happiness.’
‘Justin, are you okay?’ I ask. It’s not like him to be so unfocused.
‘Yeah, miss. It’s just… well, I’m meeting this girl this evening. And I’m a bit nervous.’
I can’t help but smile. ‘What exactly is making you nervous?’
‘Because she’s beautiful, miss. Everyone’s after her and I’m lucky she even looked at me. D’you know how many followers she’s got on Instagram?’
Although I’m tempted, now is not the time to preach to him about the hazards of social media. Besides, for a sixteen-year-old, Justin seems to have his head firmly screwed on, something I believe is partly down to his dad.
‘She’s lucky too,’ I say. ‘Don’t forget that.’ And I mean it. It’s easy to see that Justin is growing into a handsome young man, but he’s also a decent human being. He’s never in any trouble at school, and he’s polite and friendly to everyone. A credit to his dad, even if I didn’t want to acknowledge that in the beginning.
Justin beams, his cheeks turning puce. ‘Thanks, miss.’
‘I’ll tell you what – how about we finish up now? You’ve worked hard for weeks, so I don’t think losing ten minutes will make any difference. You can go and get ready.’
‘Thanks, miss.’ He gathers up his things and strides out of the room. It’s then that I notice Alex hovering in the doorway. He pats Justin on the shoulder then heads over to me.
‘We really appreciate all you’re doing,’ he says. ‘You’re really good with the students. You seem to care about them as people, not just as learners, if that makes any sense?’
‘Teaching’s not the easiest job in the world, so I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t genuinely care.’
‘I’m guessing a lot of people do it for other reasons though. Maybe they just want the long holidays.’
‘No one I’ve ever met went into it for that reason.’
Alex chuckles. ‘That’s what’s refreshing about you, Eve. You’re not afraid to disagree with me. To tell it like it is. Most people I’m around go along with whatever I say. I could be arguing that the earth is flat and they’ll jump to agree.’
‘Well, some people really do believe it is flat,’ I say, packing up my pencil case.
Again, he laughs, and I’m surprised to find it pleases me that he finds me funny.
‘Will you stay and have coffee?’ he asks. ‘Seeing as you’ve finished a bit early?’
Although I’m flattered by his invitation and pleased that he wants to spend time talking to me, I should get home to Aiden. I can’t keep avoiding him; we need to address our future, and the fact that it will probably be a childless one.
‘Maybe another time?’ I offer. Weeks ago, I would have given a simple no thank you, and once again I’m caught off guard by the fact that I actually want to spend time talking to Alex.
‘Please?’ he asks. ‘I find it very hard to de-stress after work, and it’s nice to be able to chat with someone. I’ll even stretch to some biscuits. How does that sound? Come on, surely I can tempt you with a Bourbon?’
Even though I should stand firm with my offer to postpone, I find myself saying yes. Another half hour can’t hurt, and Aiden will still be at work for a few hours at least.
‘Great,’ Alex says. ‘Let me get that coffee on.’
I’m far too relaxed here, sitting on the sofa with my legs tucked under me, as if I’m at Sophie’s rather than the father of one of my students. Is it possible that I’ve come to think of Alex as a friend without realising it?
‘So, who is Eve Conway?’ he asks, looking at me intently.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Teachers always seem like people who give up their whole lives for their calling. I just wondered who you are beyond what you do. There’s so much more to you, isn’t there?’
Is there more to me? All I feel like is a woman who keeps losing babies. A woman who will end up childless. What more is there to me?
‘I like your question,’ I say. ‘And I wish I had a good answer for it. I’m just not sure I even know who I am beyond being a teacher.’
‘Oh, come on,’ he says. ‘You’re a beautiful young woman – there’s got to be so much more to you. In fact, I’m willing to bet there is, and you’ve probably worked out by now that I’m the type of man who only bets on things I can win.’
But I’ve stopped listening after he called me beautiful. It was thrown into the statement so casually, as if it was an indisputable fact, not just someone’s opinion. Why does this warm my insides? I’m a married woman with a husband who loves her – a compliment from another man shouldn’t make me feel this way. I need to fight back against these pointless and dangerous feelings. Show him I’m far from perfect.
‘I’ll tell you who I am,’ I say. ‘I’m a woman who can’t have a baby. There you go, that’s me.’
I’ve shocked him. He doesn’t know what to say. ‘Oh, I—’
‘Even if I’m lucky enough to fall pregnant, I always miscarry, and there’s no point in doing IVF because even if it works, I’ll probably still lose the baby. I don’t think I could put myself through that again. I think I’m done with it. I don’t know, though. It’s all up in the air.’ The words spill from my mouth in a hurry, and I realise I’ve been desperate to say them out loud.
Alex grabs my hand. ‘Okay. Well, firstly I think that’s extremely brave of you to talk about. And secondly, I think you could do with a drink.’
The reason I keep talking is because Alex is listening. Really listening. We’re alone in the house now; Justin has left to meet his girlfriend, and I’m sharing thoughts I’ve never before dared to give voice to.
‘But you love your husband, and it sounds like he loves you. Why do you feel you can’t be honest about adoption?’ Alex asks.
‘Because it’s almost like a smack in the face for him. He was adopted, so what does it say when his own wife won’t even consider it?’
‘He’ll understand.’
Alex can’t know this, yet he speaks with such authority. I start to laugh.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘Are you always so self-assured?’
‘I have to be. I wouldn’t be where I am today without having confidence. I’m not arrogant, though. Please don’t think that.’
‘I don’t.’ I laugh again. ‘I did find you annoying to begin with, though.’
His eyes widen. ‘Annoying? Not sure I’ve ever been called that before. But I can see why. I did harass you a bit about tutoring Justin, didn’t I?’
‘Just a bit.’
‘I’m sorry. If you don’t ask, you don’t get, though.’
What must it be like to be Alex Foley? To assume that everything will always go your way. I ask him this.
‘How else do you get what you want? Life’s too short to sit by and wait for things to happen. You have to grab every opportunity you can. Grab it by the balls!’
I burst into laughter, and it feels so good. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to do this. ‘Thanks for making me laugh,’ I say.
Alex smiles. ‘I aim to please,’ he says. ‘Admit it, I’ve taken your mind off everything, haven’t I?’
‘Yes. Somehow, weirdly, you have.’
He gets up from the chair he’s sitting on and walks across to me, sitting beside me on the sofa. Then he is leaning forward, pushing my hair back from my face and whispering into my ear that I’m beautiful.
I jolt backwards. ‘I have to go.’ I try to stand but he gently pushes me backwards, leaning onto me, his weight against me, his mouth finding mine.
‘No,’ I say, but maybe it’s not loud enough because he’s not stopping. ‘No!’ Louder this time, but he’s still not stopping, and instead he’s lifting my skirt, pulling down my tights, his hands creeping up my legs. I freeze. Did I make him think I wanted this? What have I done?
‘Get off me, Alex, just stop.’ I lash out, thump his back, kick my legs as hard as I can, but he doesn’t say a word as he treats my body as if it belongs to him, as if he can do what he likes, as if I want him to.
I scream, but it doesn’t sound loud enough; it’s not enough to stop him. I can feel him against me now, and then he’s shoving himself inside me, ignoring my screams, perhaps even enjoying them.
Through a waterfall of tears, I bite down on his shoulder as hard as I can, taste his salty skin, try to inflict enough pain on him to make him stop, but it doesn’t work. There is nothing I can do, no way to slip from under his weight. I am powerless.
My whole body freezes and I am forced to endure this for as long as Alex Foley wants it to last.